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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is dh ?

411 replies

P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 08:35

We live in a seaside town and I commute into London 4-5 days a week. My commute - door to door - is approx 4-4.5hrs round trip due to me recently working the other side of London (not sure how long this is sustainable but that's besides the point I'm trying to make). My work day is long and I work hard for our family. DH works 3.5days during week days 30mins drive away.

I have two dc aged 15&9 (not dh's) who I share custody of with their dad. On days I'm in London I walk to station at 6:30am from our house. It is a 15-20min walk. DH will keep the car and kindly helps with school runs on days I have my dc. The studio I work in is open on a Saturday so i work on the Saturdays I don't have my children EOW and take a day off during the week to do school runs and collect my children at normal pick up times. So DH will help with school run two days max per week.

The Saturday I work (which is today - I'm on the train now) I ask DH for a lift. I get a later train at 8:07am so not super early and DH thinks this is unfair. I have said to him that I am happy to drive myself to station and take the key to London and drive it back tonight. He feels this means I am strong arming him into making him give me a lift when it is his day off and he could be sleeping. He said it is ridiculous I will keep him from using the car all day on an Saturday to avoid doing a 15-20min walk to station.

Aibu at feeling so upset at his lack of consideration towards me when I am working my arse off to support our family which includes doing a hellish commute ? When he has 3.5days off a week, works much shorter hours and I am the breadwinner.

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 29/01/2022 16:20

But I don't get why he can't use public transport on those two Saturdays/ month. Is it really dreadful where you live?

Is this a more general issue you have? That he works part-time but doesn't necessarily take on more of the household stuff?

GnusSitOnCanoes · 29/01/2022 16:36

The answers here are batshit. In your scenario and with your commute, there is no way my DH wouldn’t take me. I don’t think I’d even have to ask. He would see it as a small thing that would make my life a little easier, and would do it without thinking.

The man has three days off a week. He can lie-in another day. Hmm

Classicblunder · 29/01/2022 16:52

Does DH's comfort really trump me shaving 30-40mins off my commute once a fortnight when he has 3.5days a week to lie in / nap etc ?

Unless your car is actually a teleporter, it's not 30-40 mins, it's 20-30 - it would presumably take 5 mins to drive so the difference between driving and walking is 10-15 mins X 2. If you need to allow some time for traffic, it could be less.

NuffSaidSam · 29/01/2022 16:57

Also he could pick you up in the evening, so it's actually only 10/15 minutes you'd be saving.

Although, I understand how even 10 minutes matters when you work long hours, but that's why you should get a second car key, not why he should drive you/be without the car.

BriocheForBreakfast · 29/01/2022 16:59

I think YANBU. He's a lazybones and can't have it both ways. Either you get the car and he gets a lie-in or he gets off his backside (he's got a much easier week compared to yours) and takes you to the station. FGS it's only every other week and he could go back to bed afterwards. Also he still has 3 days a fortnight to have a lie-in. He's not very supportive is he?

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 16:59

@Classicblunder

Does DH's comfort really trump me shaving 30-40mins off my commute once a fortnight when he has 3.5days a week to lie in / nap etc ?

Unless your car is actually a teleporter, it's not 30-40 mins, it's 20-30 - it would presumably take 5 mins to drive so the difference between driving and walking is 10-15 mins X 2. If you need to allow some time for traffic, it could be less.

That is a fair point. However it is still 30mins off a massive commute
OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 17:05

@CheshireChat

But I don't get why he can't use public transport on those two Saturdays/ month. Is it really dreadful where you live?

Is this a more general issue you have? That he works part-time but doesn't necessarily take on more of the household stuff?

Public transport is fine. Bus stop at top of road, he has a bike, two legs, train station about 18mins walk away 😂
OP posts:
Jengnr · 29/01/2022 17:27

I can’t believe the replies you’re getting here. Of course take the car if he’s too lazy and selfish to do something really tiny to make your life easier once a fortnight.

And yes, the two car key thing is definitely the way forward but I’d let him figure that out and facilitate it. He has the car all the time, it’s totally within his gift to sort. Usually when men are the higher earners the wives do all the thinking - you’re getting both jobs with nobody bothering to help you ever. Fuck that.

Birdkin · 29/01/2022 17:30

YANBU if it’s such a short walk why can’t he just walk to the station to pick up the car if he needs it?

FlippityFlippityFlop · 29/01/2022 17:57

YANBU - I can't fathom some of the replies saying you are!

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 29/01/2022 17:57

Yes i can't believe that if people on here had six child and work free days to themselves a fortnight, they wouldn't help their harder working OH on one of these days at 8am for five minutes because their lie in is more important.

I don't think it's just about a lie-in.

You've chosen to work a Saturday which is his day off. If you want to work weekends and work somewhere that's a huge commute away, it shouldn't be his job to facilitate that IMO.

pradavilla · 29/01/2022 18:08

I wouldn't be happy getting up to give u a lift when it's walkable. Maybe if it was absolutely chucking it down. Just get another key cut and u can take car he can walk and pick it up later if he needs it.

Wanttobehappy123 · 29/01/2022 18:14

I definitely think you are not being unreasonable. It’s reasonable to expect him to drop you to the station once a fortnight when your life is so busy and working commute so long. He should be jumping at the chance so make your life that little bit easier and marriage should be about putting yourself out for the other person and acts of kindness to each other. He is being selfish

Crazycrazylady · 29/01/2022 18:19

Op
You seem determined to ignore the most obvious solution which is getting another key cut. It's seems almost as if you want to play the Martyr?
I really enjoy my weekend lie in, If it was 9 or 10 I wouldn't bat an eye lid but id hate having to give it up when a second key is such a simple solution and I think having the family car tied up for the day is unnecessary
Why are you insisting on being so difficult about this?

CandyMan89 · 29/01/2022 18:22

Hes awful! I work nights and finish at 6am. Two of my colleagues, one which lives less than a 5 min drive from work, husbands pick them up and take them home! 6am!

user1493494961 · 29/01/2022 18:25

Yabu.

Hb12 · 29/01/2022 18:38

FFS, how is she ignoring the key cutting answer? She's acknowledged it about 100 times!

andweallsingalong · 29/01/2022 18:38

On paper him dropping you off would have been nice but I think the bit about him going out with his mates last night changes it a bit. I wouldn't want to get up early after a night out and it makes sense that he went out with them on the Friday night when you couldn't as working the next day.

I also wouldn't want to be without the car all day on a Saturday so I couldn't just take off with the kids if I felt like it.

So neither of you are being unreasonable, you need a better solution - get a key cut, a second car, a bike or???? Whatever you're both happy with.

BadNomad · 29/01/2022 19:09

Just take the car. If he's awake he can come with you to drive it back (then collect you after if he's not a selfish nob). If he's sleeping then he's not using the car and can just use public transport twice a month ffs. You'd think he has no legs.

Casmama · 29/01/2022 19:11

I think your dh is being lazy and selfish and I can understand you feeling hurt and annoyed.
I also think he should be the one to organise the second key as he has more time to do it and then has the choice of whether to drop you off or walk down later and get the car.

It's about being a team and feeling like he will put in a little bit of effort to make your life a little easier when you are carrying a much heavier load.

I also think lots of posters need to increase their expectations of a partner

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 19:25

@Crazycrazylady

Op You seem determined to ignore the most obvious solution which is getting another key cut. It's seems almost as if you want to play the Martyr? I really enjoy my weekend lie in, If it was 9 or 10 I wouldn't bat an eye lid but id hate having to give it up when a second key is such a simple solution and I think having the family car tied up for the day is unnecessary Why are you insisting on being so difficult about this?
If you read the thread all the way through - I know there are a lot of comments - then you will see i have absolutely not ignored the suggestion of getting another key cut.
OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 19:26

@Hb12

FFS, how is she ignoring the key cutting answer? She's acknowledged it about 100 times!
Thank you !
OP posts:
saraclara · 29/01/2022 19:27

Jeeze, 271 responses when the answer is just 'get a second key'.

Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 19:32

@saraclara

Jeeze, 271 responses when the answer is just 'get a second key'.
Maybe if you read the thread properly then you will see this is a solution but not the problem.
OP posts:
Original poster
P4nicSt4tions · 29/01/2022 20:17

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

Yes i can't believe that if people on here had six child and work free days to themselves a fortnight, they wouldn't help their harder working OH on one of these days at 8am for five minutes because their lie in is more important.

I don't think it's just about a lie-in.

You've chosen to work a Saturday which is his day off. If you want to work weekends and work somewhere that's a huge commute away, it shouldn't be his job to facilitate that IMO.

It literally is just about a lie in. Read the thread
OP posts: