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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think you would still have had kids...

439 replies

Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 20:58

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

OP posts:
MamaSquealus · 29/01/2022 01:19

I didn't feel maternal before I had my LO...I sort of liked the idea of being a mum, but only for really trivial, superficial reasons. For a little while after I met DH and before I got pregnant with DS, especially since we also had a miscarriage, I felt like I really did want to be a mum...but in hindsight I think that was really just the absolute shock and trauma of having a miscarriage when I didn't even know I was pregnant and was on the pill.
Anyway, then I got pregnant with DS, and spent the whole pregnancy super ill, scared, and 99.9% sure I'd be a shit mum, and constantly fearing that I didn't really want him and that I'd made a massive mistake...but then he was pulled out of my belly on the operating table, and the second I heard him screaming his angry little face off, I knew I loved him more than life, and that he was my world and would be for the rest of my existence. It was the most insane thing I've ever experienced, like I turned into a completely different person in a split second. I absolutely love motherhood. It is hard, but it's incredible, and he makes me so happy! Hopefully we can start trying for another this year 🤞

TedMullins · 29/01/2022 01:23

@Strokethefurrywall

Definitely don’t do it *@TedMullins* - you can’t worry about the what ifs.

Having children is NOT the be all and end all no matter what society has drummed into women for millennia. You matter as much as now as you would with children, only I fear you would lose yourself if you had a child.

If the biological urge isn’t there, don’t for a second doubt it. You don’t need to have a baby because you’re a woman and have a uterus.

I had kids because I had a biological need. Utterly unexplainable. But just as I had the urge to have them, now I’ve had them I have zero biological urge to have anymore. Like the flick of a switch which just shows you how fickle biological urge is.

I’m hoping there comes a time where women aren’t pressured by society to feel like they should have children - procreation is not all we’re good for! 🙂

Thank you - I totally agree, other life paths are available and just as valid and society needs to catch up with this!

I’m definitely not planning on it, just worried in case the biological clock suddenly makes an appearance and tries to trip me up. I’m not feeling any pressure though. thankfully my parents feel similarly about being grandparents to how I do about having kids!

RobotValkyrie · 29/01/2022 01:28

To me, it all comes down to how your understand happiness. Happiness is NOT the same as money, comfort, easy, pain free, fun, etc.

I personally find happiness in

  • achieving goals I set for myself
  • building meaningful relationships
  • savouring all what life has to offer

Kids do tick these boxes. They come with a cost, but then again everything does. Before kids I had an all-consuming career which also ticked these boxes at the time, but also came with costs. It's a matter of balance. And what stage of life you're at.

What I want most is agency. Kids do impinge on my freedom, that's true, and that's my biggest "regret". But I would have regretted more not having had the freedom to have kids when I wanted to.
In fact, my mind was made the day I realised my old career was impinging on my sense of freedom, by preventing me from having kids. Not sure if that makes sense... But it's all a matter of values and priorities. And I value life above everything else. So, growing a new life? Hell yeah, bring it on!
I like myself being creative, and that's the ultimate creative act. Also, I like to understand things, and there's no better way to understand something than actually doing it.

Who cares if it's not easy? Easy is for the weak, lazy and/or cowardly Wink

Nothing wrong with choosing not to have kids, obviously, just make sure your life is not boring, and meaningful to you. You do you.

Crikeycroc · 29/01/2022 01:41

If I had known how hard the newborn stage would be before I got pregnant I would definitely not have chosen to have a child. Now I have a gorgeous, intelligent, funny, curious toddler YES. A thousand times over. As soon as she reached 9 months and started sleeping 11 hours overnight I was so much happier. I would have another in a heartbeat if they weren’t so hard to start with.

However, it took having a child to realise how much spare time I actually had pre baby. I wish I had been more productive and organised with my time now I am cramming every home renovation project into nap time.

Kgutdfn · 29/01/2022 01:45

I never wanted children until I was around 38. I had my baby at age 40 and my DD is the best thing I have ever done. It's so different when the baby is yours. The whole journey has been amazing. I just wish I knew how wonderful it is so I would have had time for more.

Booklover3 · 29/01/2022 01:46

Mostly yes… nights like these where my 8 year old is still awake at 1:30am because she just will not go to sleep I do wonder what life would have been like if I had not.

Musttryharder2021 · 29/01/2022 01:56

@Getupoffthesofa

I was desperate for children, out of my mind with desire for then, so much so that I ended up going it alone. So, no, I wouldn’t redo my life without them: They are the centre of my world. I love them and I love being a mother .
@Getupoffthesofa

Single mother by choice here too. I also became quite desperate by the end of my late 30s and was feeling deep resentment of all the time I'd given to men/pointless relationships in the past and to end up in the situation I was in (late 30s and childless). I think for those of us who have had to go it alone, it really made me even more determined in my decision to try my best and make it happen. I think if it hadn't happened, I'd feel a deep sense of regret and bitterness

cocktailclub · 29/01/2022 02:42

I really love them. But if I had to do it all again? Probably not.

Derelicthome · 29/01/2022 03:41

100% Yes I would

Flutterflybutterby · 29/01/2022 03:47

100% yes! I was unsure about kids before I had them. Now I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude every day, they amaze me, I can't even imagine my life without them. They bring me more joy than anything else in the world, and my life was pretty great before kids.

AutomaticMoon · 29/01/2022 03:54

I have Tokophobia which really breaks my heart but I just couldn’t do the giving birth part.

Coffeeonmytoffee · 29/01/2022 03:56

They’re all teenagers and they make me laugh so much. I love the relationship they have together - they stood on the stairs recently for over an hour laughing about things which had happened in school. They’re great, funny, kind people. Being a mother is something I’ve only ever enjoyed. The crap bits don’t last long in the grand scheme of things and even they weren’t so bad.
New babies you breast feed until they pass out full of milk are adorable. Screaming toddlers who are hilariously unreasonable. So many funny things happen. Making a baby laugh or a toddler being excited for something new is just fabulous.
It’s a rollercoaster but then you have these almost adult people who you want to spend time with and no one really talks about how great that is. My now almost 18yo son used to cry when he was 2 every time we got in the car because I wouldn’t let him drive - never not funny.

Chasingaftermidnight · 29/01/2022 05:00

I would absolutely still have children but if I could go back I would do some other things differently.

I’d pursue a more flexible, family friendly career and have a job it’s easy to do part-time.

I wouldn’t have a dog. I got him pre-children and a dog on top of work and parenting is just too much.

CounsellorTroi · 29/01/2022 06:28

I wanted children, went through loads of IVF but it never happened. Now I feel relieved I didn’t. Not just because of the state of the planet but at 60, having got to know myself better, I’m really not sure I’d have been cut out for it. I’m an introvert and I like peace and quiet. My life is really good now.

MimiDaisy11 · 29/01/2022 06:38

I have a 7 month old so I only know about being a parent to a baby. In some ways it’s hard but it’s also not as hard as I thought in others. Of course it’s luck on what temperament your baby has. I really like being a mum and it’s so fascinating seeing him develop and discover things. His laugh is so sweet too. I don’t agree with only going ahead with it if you’re certain, mainly because if I went through life like that I wouldn’t do anything. Though of course it must be hard to live with if you regret having kids.

Spitspotsput · 29/01/2022 07:00

YABU my dd is delight. She gave me the strength to leave my abusive H and gives me a reason to keep going every day.

Kilopapadelta · 29/01/2022 07:04

I would always want my DD if I had my time again. I just feel like we are meant to walk the earth together. She’s so funny and makes me laugh everyday, but of course it can be very challenging at times.
I would do this again to have her, but I wish the circumstances were different.
Me and her father split when I was pregnant and I find him very hard work which takes the shine off things for me.
I have vowed to myself I’ll never have another child, as one is enough and there are no guarantees that the relationship will survive the challenge of parenthood which is sad but true for many.
Good for you for really considering the reality of things.

MimiDaisy11 · 29/01/2022 07:09

My now almost 18yo son used to cry when he was 2 every time we got in the car because I wouldn’t let him drive - never not funny
😂

shouldistop · 29/01/2022 07:11

Yes, I love being a mum Smile I have 2 boys, 5 & 1.

CandyMan89 · 29/01/2022 07:14

Absolutely!! No two days are the same. It can be so very tiring but when they give me cuddles, it really makes it all worthwhile. I love them soo much and feel fortunate to be a Mummy.

Fanx · 29/01/2022 07:28

@CounsellorTroi

I wanted children, went through loads of IVF but it never happened. Now I feel relieved I didn’t. Not just because of the state of the planet but at 60, having got to know myself better, I’m really not sure I’d have been cut out for it. I’m an introvert and I like peace and quiet. My life is really good now.
@CounsellorTroi Do you think your desire at the time to have children was driven by hormones or societal expectations? Did you suspect being introverted at the time but suppressed those feelings? It's good that you're happy with the way things have turned out.
canlkeepthispen · 29/01/2022 07:32

No probably not.
Or if I did I would only have one.
I really struggle with how tying motherhood is.

Roselilly36 · 29/01/2022 07:32

It has made my life having my two DS’. They are adults now, 21mths between then. I love being their mum. They are loving, caring young men. I am so proud of them both. Best thing DH & I ever did having them. No regrets whatsoever.

SartresSoul · 29/01/2022 07:35

I wouldn’t be the same person without them so it’s difficult to say. I was on a bad track before my eldest was born and being pregnant completely turned my life around. He inspired me a lot and motivated me to do better so I did my degree, post grad and masters and now just think I’m a fairly decent person all round. I was an arsehole before I had children. I’ve also had spells of depression where, had I not had children, I wouldn’t have got out of bed. They gave me a reason to keep going so I suppose I owe my life to them really.

Original poster
Waifwafer · 29/01/2022 07:38

Just reading through the responses now. Some of them brought a tear to my eye. It's so nice to see so many varied responses without judgement. Thanks all!

OP posts:
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