Do you think you would still have had kids...

[Waifwafer]

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

@AutomaticMoon

I have Tokophobia which really breaks my heart but I just couldn’t do the giving birth part.

Could you not have a C section with general if it’s really bad?

I adore my daughter and she is the most wonderful thing ever. But (and it’s a big but) being a mum is so restrictive (assuming I want to do the best by DD which I do now she is here). I had to cut work travel right back, turn down great job opportunities in exotic places and generally live a family oriented life. I knew this before having her but knowing is not the same as feeling. I’d have been more ME without a child.

I was never maternal but had two DC anyway, now 19 and 16. It's been the absolute best thing I've ever done. Although I waited and was with DH ten years before we decided to have DC1 as I knew parenthood would be a lot harder if I ever ended up a LP.
I absolutely never had them to look after me in old age, but as a nurse I have seen many lone older people without adult DC, and there comes a point where it becomes rather sad and difficult.

I'm not 100% sure. I had absolutely no idea how utterly all consuming and tiring it would be. The constant giving of oneself is really hard.

Yes I would but I’ve always wanted children.
It is hard work and relentless but the love I feel for them is like nothing else and they give a shape to my life I couldn’t get from anything else.
But you have to want them. Remaining childfree is a valid choice

Yes and I'd do it younger. Had mine at 36 and 39. I'd live a third but I'm too old at 40 I think.

Daughter absolutely adamant @36 it’s never going to happen, her stock answer is why should my innocent child clear up your mess. She has a wonderful life style, with boatloads of travel with no ties whatsoever, fabulous.

Yes I would, and I had no big urge to be a mum. My reason? The older I get, the less important and 'real' most things in life seem - material things, looks, jobs - the only genuinely real thing I've done is be a parent. Hard to explain but I feel as a human parenthood is a fundamental experience. I think it is really wise not to do it (more freedom, money, choices) but at the same time it is a human experience that, for me, I'm glad I've had the privilege to experience.

I would add to my comment above that I think circumstances play a huge part in how enjoyable it is. If my circumstances were different I wouldn't necessarily want children because the desire overrode everything else (if that makes sense).

I wish I'd had more. I love them so, so much.

I've had a very hard time adjusting to being a mother. Post natal depression and now going through some very hard times with my middle child. Being a mum is utterly heartbreaking at times. I'm wrecked. I look like shit. I'm not able to climb to the very top of the career ladder I'm on. I can't poo in peace. I can't eat in peace. I apparently can't conjour up a meal all 5 people will enthusiastically eat. I can't keep the socks paired. I can't get my laundry routine in sync with all the "very important things" they need to wear to school on any given day. My mental health is a distant memory. But these children, occasionally , take my breath away. It's just about enough to make me say I'd not undo it for all the tea in China. This opinion could change at any point of any given day.

I wouldn't change my three for the world, but they wouldn't be here us if I went back and changed who I was with. I never wanted children but was coerced into it by my ex. If I hadn't got sterilised I swear he would still be wanting more now. I know that makes me sound pathetic and back then I was. I will never forget with my third he wore me down until I gave in and when I was pregnant said "I change my mind you should get rid of it."

So yeah I wouldn't of had kids if I had been a stronger person.

@Fanx

Do you think your desire at the time to have children was driven by hormones or societal expectations? Did you suspect being introverted at the time but suppressed those feelings? It's good that you're happy with the way things have turned out

I think it was a bit of both. There was undoubtedly social/cultural conditioning at work. Finding that having them wasn’t going to be straightforward made me want them more I think. OTOH It may just be that I’ve adapted to life without children. We are shaped by our experiences, I’m not the person now that I would have been had I had children.

I didn’t have my children until my late thirties and enjoyed my child free years. However, now ten years later, my love for them is so intense, and I value my own mother so much, I am sad that the part of my life I had alone was so large that it reduced the proportion of my life I will have with my children, and also, that they will have with me around in their future. I feel like I exhausted time as a singleton that would have been more rewarding in the future as a grandparent.

Yes 100%. I was never the maternal type and didn't feel that instinctual longing for children that some women describe but I can't imagine life without my ds. I love being around him, he brings me such joy. Being a mother is heartbreaking at times but the love I have for him is so fierce and unconditional, I wouldn't change it for the world.

Being a parent is the best thing I've ever done. A wild ride, mixed with extreme happiness, frustration, anger, fear, guilt, anticipation, excitement, pride, awe, wonder, fascination, bewilderment, laughter, but (to coin a Moulin Rouge phrase) , most of all, Love. Overpowering, wonderful, deep, lasting , amazing, fulfilling, happiness-making love.

Worth all of it. They are big now and I just luffs them so much

I've got 2 kids, 6 and 3
Financially it's been a mare
It's wrecked us as a couple we are more like housemates who parent together
And it's bloody hard work

Neither of us have time for each other we both socialise separately and we sleep in separate rooms

I spend 90% of my life stressed 😩 it's not much fun

I HATE school holidays

No grandparents all passed away except for one very elderly frail one

I do love my kids but it's been a real struggle on a number of levels

My childminder is my saviour - she's amazing and gives me really good advice all the time and in the absence of my own mother is invaluable

I love the kids but I find being a mother hard work - I do my best but I constantly feel it's not enough just a nightmare

Having kids certainly hasn't made me more interesting in any respect, but it has made me a kinder person with more time for other people's struggles.

No, I don't think so. Not because I don't enjoy being a parent but the world out there scares me. I don't live in the nicest area and can't afford to move elsewhere, I'm not looking forward to the day DS is old enough to be going out and about without me if I'm honest!

It's 100% yes I would from me. I personally think all the tough bits are well worth it.

BUT I don't think the societal default should be to have kids - my sister and her DH are child free by choice and it is 100% the right thing for them. In fact I know several couples/people for whom this is true. These people often get asked about it and I think this choice should be more normalised.

If I could go back I would have them, and I’d also have the child DH didn’t let me have .
But I wish I’d known that they would leave home and not bother about me, they’d only contact me when they want something. That’s been the hardest thing to learn.

Yes

It's not easy but the love is fierce.

This sums it up perfectly. It's stressful at times but loves trumps everything.

I think like any relationship having a child teaches you so much - and some of those lessons are very, very hard. I wanted a child so much, had huge regrets for the first couple of years but never since that. I definitely wouldn't want another though. If you're not sure you want a child then I think remaining childless is an excellent choice because children are a huge challenge and stress in so many ways even when you really want them.

I think that, when a lot of people consider having a baby, they don’t consider that the child could be born with mental/physical disabilities that may stop you working/travelling and may consume the rest of your life.

I definitely would. Although I’d of tried sooner for DC2 as there’s a 4 year gap and I think if that gap had of been smaller, we’d of had a 4th.

Can’t imagine my life without my children.