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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think you would still have had kids...

439 replies

Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 20:58

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

OP posts:
Toloveandtowork · 28/01/2022 23:41

I'd have had just one instead of two. My two don't get on so as well as the relentless drudgery and responsibility, it's not a good atmosphere at home a lot of the time.
Very little joy, plenty of suffering.
On top of that, I miss very much feeling like, and actually being a free spirit. It can feel like they 'own' me.
I'm also of the opinion that nature never intended for intense motherhood to carry on for 18 plus years. It's unnatural to give yourself up for that long.
But maybe if I'd had only one, I'd feel differently.

flashy44 · 28/01/2022 23:42

I knew i always wanted children,i had four by the time i was 26.I love them so much and anything i do is always centered around them ,thats just how i am.We are all very close.I actually wish id had at least two more.My home is always buzzing with them and their families,my gcs are loved even more than them if thats possible.
That said it was very hard work bringing them up,the endless feeds ,nappy changes broken sleep, and school runs,school activities to be taken too,then the stress around exams,the stomach churning wait for the results,the neverever ending worry when they are at uni,
Sorry fot waffling so much im tired and ready for bed,but in a nut shell it was all worth it

Merrz · 28/01/2022 23:44

Hmm not sure. Was unsure whether I wanted kids and was definitely not a kiddie person. But my husband wanted. The intense love you feel and need to care for and protect your own child is quite incredible and I would never say I wish I didn't have my children, it's like they bring so much purpose and reason to my life I didn't know I was missing. However, it is hard, very hard at times and it completely changes everything. Your day to day life obviously but also your outlook on life, your priorities, your relationships, work, everything. And I actually really liked my pre kids life and I miss it a lot!

ArabellaDinosaur · 28/01/2022 23:45

Yes in a heartbeat they are beyond amazing and I put myself through hell on earth to get them.......but my God is it hard, so, so hard. I'm also happy with just one....quitting whilst I'm ahead!

I agree with the poster who said more people should just admit that they don't want them. That is fine more than fine, we need to be far more accepting of that, you cannot, cannot go into something this hard and all encompassing without being 100% it isn't fair on you or a prospective child.

Sofiegiraffe · 28/01/2022 23:45

100% yes I would. Raising my DD (now 15) as a single mum has been the hardest yet most rewarding experience in so many ways. I now get to do it all over again with DD2 (9 months). I can't wait Grin

CleanUpTime · 28/01/2022 23:47

I have 1 dc and my answer is 100% yes.
They are at an age where they are fun loving kind funny!!! I love having them around. I love how they are out of the baby stage and I can see the person they are becoming

I love being a mum to my little only one....

Now if i had more than 1 that may be different Grin

Moonandstar5 · 28/01/2022 23:47

@poppaloo sorry you’ve had to go through this. Just know that you’re doing the best you can. That’s what I tell myself Confused motherhood has been really painful and real and I also feel a lot of responsibility and pain. I still would have my son but my God it really makes me wonder whether I should have been a mum and that I’m not cut out for this stuff. He’s only 3 so I guess he’s still young. But then I think will it ever get better sometimes. And then I think we’ll everything happens for a reason. (In my case it’s Gods plan) so I must accept the challenge and keep going and keep striving and trying to heal. It’s so hard my god. Especially with generational trauma for me.

Herewegoagain84 · 28/01/2022 23:49

It’s a hard one - I definitely felt like you at that stage. I still don’t like other people’s children but adore my own. It’s is incredibly tough, but I think what comes with it is this completely new and deep insight into the actual meaning of life, and it’s cyclical nature. And the absolute lengths you’d go on this earth for another person (which can’t be compared to love for DH etc). I found it deepens your experience and magnifies 1000x every feeling you may have had, good and bad.

PrettyBluebells · 28/01/2022 23:55

I adore my children, I don't regret having them BUT I know them now and that's a huge factor. I was never maternal and I'm still not, I had them at 34 and 38, getting pg at 33 was an accident but I knew instantly I wanted to keep the baby, they're 20 and 16 now. Being a mother doesn't define me and I know my life would've been just as enjoyable without dc, it'd just be a different enjoyable. My sister has no dc and has had a great life with no regrets about not having any and as we're very alike them I figure I'd have been happy too.

Chillyallday · 29/01/2022 00:04

Absolutely I would still have them. The baby years are hard and I mean HARD. Sleep deprivation is horrendous. But omg the love when you see your baby for the first time and literally that relationship just grows and gets stronger over the years. The life with kids is stressful, intense and busy but oh my goodness so full of love, fun and laughs. My child free life might have been fun but now I look back a lot of it seems quite empty and selfish.

However saying all that - you should do what’s right for you. A baby is forever and if it’s not for you - fine! Don’t have a child that will be resented.

Ickle37 · 29/01/2022 00:05

Every thing above. At 32 , god i was badgered to settle down and have kids. No way.
37... tick tock... met my husband, I pregnant a year later. Been delighted ever since. Live your life and listen to your body and dont feel pressure. But children are so fun more than they are a pain xx

LuckyWithMyLot · 29/01/2022 00:22

I 100% would have, but I'm happiest when around DS and being his mum provides me with pure joy.

I think I'm lucky that it does come naturally to me and can imagine it would be difficult if it didn't.

There are tough times but the happy / exhilarating/ proud / funny / loving moments more than make up for them.

Teenagehorrorbag · 29/01/2022 00:26

I always expected to have children and left it a bit late, lucky to have two lovely IVF teenagers! Pre-kids I had a great social life in my 20s and early 30s, and a great career. Met DH later than I had hoped but if I hadn't I would have had kids alone.

But I can't say I ever felt broody - I just knew I wanted a family one day. I put it off as long as I could......Grin! But looking back now - I feel so blessed every day to have them, and dread them leaving home now as they have been my main focus in life for so long! The way you love them is like nothing else ever!

It hasn't always been easy. One has additional needs and was quite challenging through the toddler/primary school years. Neither really takes after me so sometimes I get frustrated that they don't always see things the way I do. Now they are teenagers who knows what's around the corner....Grin.

I know I would have been devastated if I had never had them as I always knew I wanted a family one day. I would have made sure I had children - through adoption, as a single Mum, whatever. Luckily I was financially able to have choices, but am SO glad I was eventually able to do it as part of a stable couple! But for anyone who doesn't want children - I think that's a totally valid life choice too. And I totally agree with PPs - children should be wanted! If parents regret having them that must be the saddest thing .......for all concerned!

0palescent · 29/01/2022 00:35

No, I really don't think I would do it again if I had my time over. I find it endlessly worrying, and I feel I'd have been happier/less anxious childfree.

BubblinTrouble · 29/01/2022 00:39

No I wouldn’t. I did it because I didn’t want to feel left out. I thought I’d love my baby and it’d make it all worth it. I hate that I now can’t work because she’s teething for months at a time and always sent home. I hate that I don’t sleep and can’t exercise because my time is kept catching up on work. I love my job so it’s so hard to step away. I love my baby but I wouldn’t do it again if I knew what I know now.

PotatoGoblins · 29/01/2022 00:40

100% would still have had my DCs…but I would have had them a little later on. I had 3 DCs under 5 by the time I turned 25 (I married very young).
I’m now 27, separated, trying to navigate single parenting, working and studying and it’s exhausting. I wish I’d have got the studying done at 18/early 20’s, established a career and then had DCs. I dare say my marriage probably would have lasted the distance if we’d have had the DCs later or at least spread them out a bit more!

Aphrodite31 · 29/01/2022 00:44

If I'd have known how lovely and easy I'd have had 10 more.

TedMullins · 29/01/2022 00:49

For another viewpoint, I don’t want kids and have never envisaged them in my future even from when I was a kid myself. It’s not a choice for me - I have a deep, intrinsic desire NOT to have them the same as people who want them have a deep desire to have them.

However, now I’m nearly 33 I think about it a lot - not so much thinking about having them, as I still don’t want them - but wondering if one day I’ll suddenly get that biological urge people talk about and what to do with it if I did. It helps that most of my friends are childfree - I only know one person with a kid - some don’t want kids, some are undecided and others do but are single. As I get older I’ve become more aware of how I feel because having kids is coming up in conversation more and more.

I’ve seen what happens when it goes wrong. My dad and his mother have been NC for over 30 years. She had a failed abortion and used to tell him all the time she wished it had worked. She certainly didn’t feel any love for him once he arrived. She said the day he cut contact was the biggest relief of her life because she never wanted to be a mother. She’s a very extreme example but it simply isn’t true that nobody regrets their kids or wishes them out of existence.

I’m actually really worried about getting that biological urge because I’m certain that if I followed it and had a kid, I’d hate parenthood and regret it. I’ve got a dog and even that’s too much for me sometimes - I’ve also got chronic fatigue and sometimes I need to sleep all day. Thankfully dog is lazy and sleeps with me, but I physically can’t stay awake when I have extreme fatigue spells. I don’t think I could handle the demands of a baby, while still trying to have some semblance of a life. I find living alone, having a dog and WFH exhausting enough, having a kid would absolutely destroy me. I struggle to eat properly and keep up with household chores as it is, I’ve genuinely no idea how people manage to do all this AND have children.

I think if the urge does descend I’ll have to ignore it. It would be a massive mistake for me to become a parent. I’m actually scared of my hormones trying to change my mind, I really hope it doesn’t happen.

DefaultParent · 29/01/2022 00:52

Yes definitely but I'd have waited longer and bought a bigger house first whilst I could work full time without childcare costs.

Getupoffthesofa · 29/01/2022 00:54

I was desperate for children, out of my mind with desire for then, so much so that I ended up going it alone. So, no, I wouldn’t redo my life without them: They are the centre of my world. I love them and I love being a mother .

Lucimaya · 29/01/2022 00:59

Yes I definitely would have.

Maybe it's different if you can have a fulfilled and active life without them, which I'm not sure would have happened with me. I'd be bored and probably lonely. It's easy to say in retrospect though.

Now there is only her and I left, I'm so glad and feel fortunate to have her.

Strokethefurrywall · 29/01/2022 01:02

Definitely don’t do it @TedMullins - you can’t worry about the what ifs.

Having children is NOT the be all and end all no matter what society has drummed into women for millennia. You matter as much as now as you would with children, only I fear you would lose yourself if you had a child.

If the biological urge isn’t there, don’t for a second doubt it. You don’t need to have a baby because you’re a woman and have a uterus.

I had kids because I had a biological need. Utterly unexplainable. But just as I had the urge to have them, now I’ve had them I have zero biological urge to have anymore. Like the flick of a switch which just shows you how fickle biological urge is.

I’m hoping there comes a time where women aren’t pressured by society to feel like they should have children - procreation is not all we’re good for! 🙂

Sunnytwobridges · 29/01/2022 01:05

I love my DD but nope, I wouldn't have had any children. I'm seriously introverted and I don't like to be obligated to anyone or have anyone dependent on me. I feel like I missed out on things and a lot of freedom becoming a parent. I think MAYBE if I had her at an older age I would feel differently - I could've had time to do more but I went from college to being a parent and didnt' get a chance to live the child-free life at all.

HaveringWavering · 29/01/2022 01:12

Yes. I was not hugely maternal but I love being a Mum to my son

Do not forget that “kids” plural is not compulsory. A lot of people find two or more is when it gets really hard work. One child works very well for us and is a good balance if you are worried about how much life will change as a parent.

I also have a very hands-on husband whose parenting style complements mine very well. I might have felt differently if not sharing parenthood with someone like him. I certainly never contemplated going it alone when single through all my thirties and do not regret that for a moment.

sweetbutapshyco · 29/01/2022 01:13

yes, absolutely yes. I had a hard, high risk pregnancy and very difficult first few years but I will do it again in a heart beat as it has give me my beautiful, kind and the sweetest daughter ever. I don't know what I did to deserve her. She is a better daughter than I am as a mum. I wish I was like her to my mum. No way I am going to change that. And despite all the difficulties, I want to do it again.