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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think you would still have had kids...

439 replies

Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 20:58

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

OP posts:
padsi1975 · 28/01/2022 23:03

I just don't know. I was very lonely and adrift before I had them. I think if my life had been fuller and I'd had closer relationships with others, perhaps I wouldn't have had children. Impossible to know. I love them very much and that aching emptiness is gone for now. I worry about it returning as they grow up and leave. I do HATE the drudge, there is simply nothing enjoyable or rewarding about that. The one thing that would really make me reconsider if I had my time over again is the worry that comes with parenting. I find it a very difficult burden to bear. Worse, I think it will never go away. I hate the loss of peace of mind. That would make me seriously reconsider my choices. I think you are very lucky in that you sound very happy and fulfilled. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!!!

Daphneadonis · 28/01/2022 23:03

Waifwafer
Waifwafer
"For those that said they didn't feel maternal before having kids... What made you have them if you didn't feel maternal? Just curious!"

Dh wanted. Curiosity. Had no idea though, sort of took the plunge, so glad I did now.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/01/2022 23:06

Yes - I can’t imagine not having had ours.
I never found any of the stages - from newborn to teens - particularly hard, either.

ShinyPikachu · 28/01/2022 23:07

I love my kids to bits but right now one is going through a rebellious teen phase and the other has "suspected by professionals but not properly diagnosed yet" ASD plus major anxiety issues. They were the easiest kids ever as babies, toddlers and pre-teen children and I wish I hadn't felt as confident as I did then about how easy parenting had been for me.

Right now is absolute hell and I feel like I don't have a life any more as I always have to be here to deal with younger DC. They've been at school for a total of 2.5 days since term started 3 weeks ago and every day they go in I just sit and wait for the phone call to pick them up. My life is in limbo in a way as I can't do anything during the day in case I need to go collect them from school. I also can't leave them home alone as they have admitted to thoughts of self harm and suicide, although haven't acted on either thankfully. The school are actually amazing and supportive but they can't do anything to make them stay when they want to come home. It's a year since we were referred to CAMHS and we're still waiting for a proper diagnosis but we are starting to get help from elsewhere, and we have spoken regularly to a psychologist through CAMHS who wishes they could bump us up the list but we are sadly not the worst case that they're dealing with right now apparently.

Soakitup37 · 28/01/2022 23:08

I’m 1of 7 and I’m from an even bigger family… there has been a baby or young child in my life since I was born one close relative or another and I knew I wanted kids. Loads of them. To the point that it was my biggest goal in life. I wasn’t fussy about travelling the world although I’ve done a fair bit and I don’t care for big cars or expensive hobbies- kids was my thing.

Life didn’t turn out that way, I have a son from a previous marriage - he is with is dad 50% of the time and in the past 6 years I’ve had the “luxury” of a child free life 50% of the time and it’s not been all that exciting. I’ve been on girly holidays, dated freely and done pretty much anything I would do child free, and it’s brilliantly liberating! Saying yes to trips and socials and anything else that isn’t catering to either being child friendly or with children in mind full stop.

But the thing I’ve felt all the way through no matter how glam the event, hot the date or exotic the location, I didn’t feel like it was the peak of my enjoyment of life. It was the same before I had my son, I would love life and what I was experiencing but I felt something missing. With my son in my experiences less glam more messy and more hard work, I feel that contentment.

Parenting is hard and it’s the love you have that makes it worth while. I don’t think you can possibly give a comparable feeling for the love you have for your own child. So it makes sense you can find it hard to know how you feel about having them.

Being child free by choice is a decision I fully respect from anyone and would never try and convince someone otherwise; but in my experience you can’t make that decision on comparing how others feel about having children- as no two experience of motherhood are the same.

Sceptre86 · 28/01/2022 23:10

I've always wanted them and am glad I've had them. My pregnancies are largely good but the last trimester everything that can go wrong does. The birth and a few months afterwards I struggle with my own health. I'm back to normal health wise after 3 months. No lasting health complications. We have no family support though and it is tiring and relentless but they have a good routine and I enjoy being a mum more than anything. I will always worry about them though and that takes its toll.

Could I have lived a happy life without kids, yes I think so.

MissVictoriaPlum · 28/01/2022 23:11

Absolutely yes. I didn't enjoy the baby part but I have enjoyed everything from pre-schooler onwards. I wish I had had more but it's too late now Smile

Imissmoominmama · 28/01/2022 23:11

One birth child and two adopted children. I wouldn’t have missed a thing with any of them, even though sometimes it’s been hard.

HairyScaryMonster · 28/01/2022 23:11

I put no, because having them had impacted mine and DH's mental health. My eldest is being assessed for additional needs and fighting with the system is draining. I think I'd much rather be an involved aunty.

MojoJojo71 · 28/01/2022 23:11

Babies are pretty easy. Parenting them as they grow up is really, really fucking hard and it’s never ending. My son actually made me laugh the other day by saying ‘you thought it was a good idea to have a baby didn’t you mum but I bet you never thought you’d end up with a 25 year old man sleeping on your sofa’

I wouldn’t be without them though, although it’s undoubtedly a challenge I just can’t imagine not being a mother.

Thirtytimesround · 28/01/2022 23:12

It’s the most intense and tiring and exhilarating and terrifying and blissful and infuriating and joyful and stressful and hilarious and exhausting thing. It changes your psyche and soul (and body) forever.

I adored it. It’s the most fun I ever had. I feel chills just thinking about how it might all never have been.

isitnewyearyet · 28/01/2022 23:13

What a brilliant thread topic. Thanks op! X

MondeoFan · 28/01/2022 23:14

Of course my mind hasn't changed

whatkatydid2013 · 28/01/2022 23:15

Waifwafer
“For those that said they didn't feel maternal before having kids... What made you have them if you didn't feel maternal? Just curious!“

I spent some of my 20s actively not wanting kids and thinking I never wanted them. Then I got married and our friends got married and some of them had kids and we were spending lots of time with couples with kids and my OH started getting keen on the idea. Somewhere along the way I became ambivalent and then started to think about what if we don’t have any and might I regret it. I was about your age when that thinking started and for me I eventually decided I’d like to try and it would happen or it wouldn’t & if it didn’t that would be ok. We had our first daughter 18 months after we decided to start trying following a miscarriage picked up at the dating scan with first pregnancy. We have a 5 & 7 year old now.
Sometimes it’s really hard work and I feel like I’m making a mess of things but a lot of the time I really love being a mum. I love watching the kids learn new things and tell me about what they’ve been doing and playing games with them or going exploring with them and seeing the world through their eyes. If I hadn’t managed to fall pregnant or we had decided not to have children I’m sure we’d still have a happy life and have a great time doing more travelling & volunteering. We’d certainly have a lot more disposable income as we would have stayed in a smaller house that wasn’t in a great area for schools and have almost paid off the mortgage by now. I think you can have a happy, fulfilling, wonderful life without or with children but once you have them and are happy you naturally wouldn’t want to swap for a different happy life without them.

RowanAlong · 28/01/2022 23:17

I would do it all again. Motherhood’s certainly tough, but from a personal growth perspective, it’s been the making of me, and I learn from my children every day.

Tiredtiredtired100 · 28/01/2022 23:21

Yes. But I wanted kids and always knew that. I do think the newborn stage is a shock to most people though. I remember my sister visiting when my DS was newborn and recognising the terror she had over how relentless it was, but for me (actually experiencing it) it was just a blur and I wasn’t bothered. My sister now seems much more convinced she’s going to wait a few years to have kids and enjoy being child free a little longer.

NEUserNamesNotTakenJeez · 28/01/2022 23:21

I had my kids young (19). It was so hard as I became a single mother unexpectedly. Plus PTSD, social anxiety, depression. BUT the kids fixed me because I forced myself to take them out daily etc. They gave me a reason to live... Equally though... I struggle with other people's kids. I wish all kids were brought up in a loving home and taught how to be civil from day dot. Some kids are vile. And their parents don't give a crap. And I'm super protective of my babies (12 & 14) and find it hard to step back. I've been at other parents doorsteps because their little darlings were dragged up so think they can be bullies. Then months of sleepless nights worrying. There was a period where every time my youngest went out, some little Ahole had started with him and his friends. My nerves were shot. I know it's part of growing up but why tf should it be. Children should be cherished and taught to be civil, unfortunately so many aren't. Sorry to rant, I adore being a mother and have a great bond with my kids... Its just the stress and worry is soul destroying some days.

HomeSw33tHome · 28/01/2022 23:23

I never got the pangs of desperately wanting a child. I just knew that when I pictured my life at 40-50-60, I had a family in that picture. So working backwards, I had to do something to make that happen!

Same!

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 28/01/2022 23:23

Absolutely, 100%.
They have been the joy and delight of my life. They're adults now and still amazing.

Skybubble · 28/01/2022 23:24

No, seemed a good idea 42 years ago but 3 children later I realise it's time I won't get back for myself.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 28/01/2022 23:28

Yes I would but I wish I’d realised I could do it my way rather than fall into traditional roles earlier. I didn’t have any influences in my life of mums who were career women so it all became very traditional until younger dc were 3 and I didn’t feel like I knew who I was anymore. Now I work full time and dh and I split household and parenting in a way that works for us. I’ve accepted I’m seen as a lazy mum and he’s the hero dad. Parenting the way we do it is good. Although dd3 has been Googling sex on YouTube so need to deal with that in the morning. That I could do without!

MeredithGreyishblue · 28/01/2022 23:31

It's better than I expected! I wasn't maternal. I wasn't earth mother. I certainly wasn't fabulous other people's children and I'm still not!
But mine are brilliant! I love them a bit more every year!

augustusglupe · 28/01/2022 23:31

Yes, without a doubt.
I have a grown up DD and my only regret in life is that I didn't have more children.

HeidiHaus · 28/01/2022 23:32

I can't unimagine my kids either but if I had known one of mine would struggle so much with their MH I might have thought twice.
I was young(ish) and pretty naive and didn't ever seriously consider the realities of a child with such needs. Much as I love them it's very, very hard and I live in a constant state of anxiety even now they are grown.
My advice to anybody who is unsure would be to remain child free.

ScrumptiousBears · 28/01/2022 23:36

I'm not sure I would have. I was probably too old and didn't know my parter for long enough in the rush to have them.