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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think you would still have had kids...

439 replies

Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 20:58

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

OP posts:
Notfastjustfurious · 30/01/2022 09:05

No I wouldn't. And this isn't on them but I find it so very hard to make sure they are happy, kind, thoughtful, resilient, educated, healthy, fit, get enough sleep, do enough sport/music/outdoors activity, have friends etc etc etc while worrying about bullying, climate crisis, cost of living, weather warnings, covid,... . The responsibility of it all is crushing at times.

DowningStreetParty · 30/01/2022 10:20

It is incredibly difficult and relentless, completely undervalued by the society, and poised to ruin the women by the relentless pressure on their bodies, career, finances, and minds. No similar effects on men so goes completely unacknowledged.

This. I think motherhood could be a different experience in a less sexist and more equal in other ways society, but so far even here in the relatively liberal but very unequal UK it’s been extremely challenging. Society is geared up for men so still not enough accommodation for the common female experiences like fertility issues, pregnancy, motherhood, menopause, periods, being sexually assaulted or raped, domestic violence, it’s a long list with lifelong challenges.

Platinumclouds · 30/01/2022 10:24

Not a chance!!
The baby days were ok. Primary age were lovely. 12 on - hell on Earth and the worry never goes away no matter how old they get! It’s relentless.
If I could go back, I’d definitely remain child free.

DowningStreetParty · 30/01/2022 10:29

Motherhood opens your eyes to a lot of inequality that you and countless others are subjected to as mothers, and for no good reason. Right at the time you’re all vulnerable from having just had a baby or caring for your kids during their childhood years, when you have much less time or energy to advocate for yourself or your kids or those of others. You see all the huge problems in the world in a new way because you’ve produced people who are going to have to find their own way in it at some point without your help. It is a huge responsibility, against local and global forces most of us have zero control over. Some of which none of us can control.

It is very different out there from even just a generation ago. Inequality is growing, living standards are falling, climate change is gathering speed, cost of housing and living is rising, social behaviour and expectations are changing with social media, sexual behaviour is changing with porn everywhere, global political and economic challenges are increasingly extreme. Any of which are very challenging issues for society just on their own. Mothers naturally want to protect their kids from all that which is impossible, but doesn’t stop those constant feelings.

ReuT3 · 30/01/2022 10:37

Yanbu
I wish I'd had kids sooner. I feel i would have recovered quicker from parenting if i had one in my 20s than 30s. I feel i would be able to carry on with other ambitions sooner too. Now I'm in my mid 30s i feel like theres something wrong every day and i don't have time to address it. I have a 22m DD and i love her but i had a massive decision to make when deciding to have her as having her later would mean he was mentally ready for having a child but it meant that i couldn't go back to uni/college/school when i wanted to further my education in a subject id been looking forwards to all my life. Going later has its complications too as family are slowly getting older and needing help they wont be able to arrange so its DD or the subject i wanted for years. I feel that i am maternal though as I've been great with kids. I felt like i would have wasted my chance of motherhood if i didn't have any.

seekinglondonlife · 30/01/2022 10:37

Definitely do it again, but I would have had at least another 1. I have 3dc and they are all teens now, but I got so much pleasure out of them, even now they are such a joy to be around. My own DM thinks 'it makes you worry' because they still choose to come on holiday with us Hmm. I hope I will be able to be a very hands on grandparent down the line.

Youdoyoutoday · 30/01/2022 10:48

You don't have to have kids if you don't want to, you also do not need to justify this to anyone. Motherhood isn't for everyone and that's OK.

I have 2 and I feel blessed to have them. Yes it's tiring but I think I'm doing OK, I might not be the best mother in the world, but they are happy, healthy, polite, kind etc. I never at one point thought I don't want kids though, I always knew I wanted them.

liveforsummer · 30/01/2022 11:00

100% I'd have them again. Actually I wish I'd had a 3rd, that's my only regret. I've never found it especially hard and can't relate to the relentless comments at all. I've been a single parent for most of it but we've had so much fun, travelled all over had some brilliant adventures. The only problem is that I think I rely on them too much and I'm not sure what I'll do when they are grown and leave home, I don't really have a life outside of them. I do agree that things might be very different if I'd had a child with a condition that made all of that not possible. Of course I'd love them the same but not sure how I'd cope with the limits on our lifestyle if I'm honest.

BunsOfAnarchy · 30/01/2022 11:18

Yep still would. Even though kids suck and are expensive.
I am not maternal at all. But I love my DD in some really wild crazy psycho manner that I guess is just 'mother bear hormone' that's constantly on fire.
I hate kids otherwise. Always found them annoying and just pointless LOL.
My child is of course the world's most beautiful little shit ever.

I had DD at 31. I have a new DP since and i would consider another child.

Lampshading · 30/01/2022 11:22

Yes I would. However I also loved my life before having DS and had I not had him I don't think I'd have felt I was missing out or whatever, would have just been different.

HerRoyalHappiness · 30/01/2022 11:26

I was pregnant at 16 and a mum at 17.
I wouldn't chamge my now 13 year old DS1 for anything. He's the most amazing, kind, generous, caring, sweet, helpful and genuinely lovely kid I've ever known.
I'm disabled, and it has deteriorated over the last couple of years but he's taken it all in his stride and doesn't let it drag him down. He's proud of his mum.
DD and DS2 are a bit younger than he is (8 and 6) and while they're amazing in themselves, they're helpful, kind, considerate and do what they can to help around the house, they sometimes dont understand that mum can't do some things with them. DS1 is always there to step in and climb the climbing frame with them, push them on the swings when my wrists dislocate, crawl around the floor with them playing silly games, all so that they don't miss out on a happy childhood.
So no, I wouldn't change a thing. Had I waited until I was older I'd have been less able to care for them and wouldn't have been able to give them the memories that they have. And if I hadn't have had such a big gap between DS1 and DD, he wouldn't have been able to step in and play like he does with them.
I love my kids. They're my entire world and I'd never be without them.

Pineapples1980 · 30/01/2022 11:32

Yes 100% and I’d have had more (than just one) if I could.

LadyGAgain · 30/01/2022 21:38

[quote Waifwafer]@mumsiedarlingrevolta Morning, and thanks for this brilliant advice! I actually work with children so I feel like I get my fair share of them during the working week. I also know that my DSIS will have kids and I'll be a brilliant Auntie. For those posting saying "I felt the same as you when I was your age and then I got to 37/38 and then suddenly wanted one and won't look back"...obviously I can't be 100% sure that this biological urge won't suddenly appear for me, but I actively hope it won't! DP is late 30s and he feels the same. Luckily we are on the same wavelength and hugely enjoy the life we have together, and with our friends and family.[/quote]
Reading this has made me feel so happy for you!! Be happy OP!

entropynow · 30/01/2022 22:29

@AppleKatie

I was desperate for babies but the reality is nothing like you imagine beforehand!

People often say this. But for me having DC was exactly like I imagined before hand! I think it depends on the quality of your imagination tbh!

It depends on the children as well. Sometimes no-one can imagine.
ldontWanna · 30/01/2022 23:01

Yes I would.

If I'm honest, I hated the first 2/3 years and if you would've asked then it would've been a hell no. It sucked so much, I didn't even consider another until DD was about 8. For various reasons it won't happen and I do regret it a little bit, but it is what it is.

I'm lucky that now she's a pretty easy,happy, good kid which helps massively with the yes in my opinion.

Rebuildingconfidence · 30/01/2022 23:12

Yes I would even though it's the hardest thing I can imagine doing. The love, happiness and sheer joy are worth the pain and worry.

My children have made me a better person - kinder, more caring and humble. I felt like I had a second life after they arrived, the world can be so beautiful when you see it from the perspective of a child.

hulahooper2 · 30/01/2022 23:15

I wouldn’t be without my kids , they are my reason for living , I had no idea how much love I would have for them . Weve come through good and very bad times and they’ve have grown into lovely adults I love so much and am so proud of

Ginger1982 · 30/01/2022 23:21

@Twattergy

Yes I would, and I had no big urge to be a mum. My reason? The older I get, the less important and 'real' most things in life seem - material things, looks, jobs - the only genuinely real thing I've done is be a parent. Hard to explain but I feel as a human parenthood is a fundamental experience. I think it is really wise not to do it (more freedom, money, choices) but at the same time it is a human experience that, for me, I'm glad I've had the privilege to experience.
Well you live up to your username 🙄
HelloFrostyMorning · 30/01/2022 23:35

@Waifwafer

Nothing in the world would make me want a life without my 2 beautiful, perfect daughters. (Now mid 20s.) I know some people don't like to hear this, but having children made my life complete. I cannot imagine my life without them in it.

People talk about how they know sooooo many people who regret having children, but I see loneliness and emptiness and regret, in the eyes and the souls of half a dozen women I know who had no children. I believe there are more women who regret not having children, than there are who regret having them...

Yes it's not always easy, but then nothing good or great ever is. As a pp said on page 1, the love is fierce. I love my 2 girls with my heart and soul, and would literally die for them. There's no-one else in the world who I feel this way about. Not even DH.

Notimeforaname · 30/01/2022 23:44

Always knew I didn't want kids.
Partner feels the same. We're mid 30's.

Doesn't stop people wrecking our heads about it Hmm
It can be funny sometimes how wound up other people can get if you mention you enjoy a childfree life but at times it can be very annoying.

I adore children, I work with children every day and have dome for 17 years so I feel I have the best of both worlds Smile

OhWhyNot · 30/01/2022 23:55

Yes

Best thing that has happened to me nothing else comes close

I’m very maternal. I will love being a nanny

Musttryharder2021 · 31/01/2022 15:28

@Notimeforaname

Always knew I didn't want kids. Partner feels the same. We're mid 30's.

Doesn't stop people wrecking our heads about it Hmm
It can be funny sometimes how wound up other people can get if you mention you enjoy a childfree life but at times it can be very annoying.

I adore children, I work with children every day and have dome for 17 years so I feel I have the best of both worlds Smile

Working with (other people's children) really isn't the same as having your own. There's no comparison. You have a duty of care towards them. It's conditional. It's hard to see this when you don't have your own. This is coming from someone who had their child very late (late 30s).
ldontWanna · 31/01/2022 15:41

Working with (other people's children) really isn't the same as having your own. There's no comparison. You have a duty of care towards them. It's conditional. It's hard to see this when you don't have your own. This is coming from someone who had their child very late (late 30s).

Depends on the person doing the job. For some it's just a job. Some,however, actually love the kids they work with, they become theirs for the year(at least). They know their hopes and dreams,their fears and worries. They check they ate ,that everything is ok, know what they like and dislike, the little things and the big things. They worry about them and stay up late at night thinking of how to help them. They have a joke and a laugh,they hold them when they cry.That's on top of the educating and teaching that come with the job.

Is it exactly the same as having your own kid? No. Can it still be love and care and get quite close to it? Of course.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/01/2022 15:52

On the back of this, what should you do if your partner really wants a child and you are ambivalent?
So whilst you might want a child in some ways but you are aware of how hard and unfair parenting is on women I.e men can go about after with their bodies, mental and physical health intact, finances and earning potential unchanged etc

peachgreen · 31/01/2022 15:59

Honestly, I think this question is impossible to answer, because once you know your own child it's hard (and horrible!) to imagine them not being here. But what I will say is that having had my child, I know now that I could have been as happy if I hadn't had her, only in different way. So I absolutely understand why people would remain childfree.

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