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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think you would still have had kids...

439 replies

Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 20:58

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

OP posts:
ChoiceMummy · 29/01/2022 09:26

@Waifwafer

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

At your age, I thought the same and had also been told I wouldn't ever be a mum. Somewhere between that age and mid 30s, that changed extensively. Now, I'm the mother of a gorgeous child. Probably because I was older, I've embraced the life and love that we do activities together that mean something to my child, more than I value doing something solely for me. whereas younger I'd have resented it.
Leonberger · 29/01/2022 09:29

100% I would have had them.

My DC have made my life infinitely better.
I never really struggled too much with it though and have so far had ‘easy’ children.

Chely · 29/01/2022 09:32

Of course I would and we have 6 which most find bonkers. They can be pains in my arse but worth all the stress and battered body.

padsi1975 · 29/01/2022 10:30

@SomewhereOnlyIKnow

If I could go back I would have them, and I’d also have the child DH didn’t let me have . But I wish I’d known that they would leave home and not bother about me, they’d only contact me when they want something. That’s been the hardest thing to learn.
That's really sad. ☹️
Blueskies3 · 29/01/2022 10:52

My children are the best thing that ever happened to me. It really is a dream come true. It's hard and relentless. But it's beautiful. I only wish that I had got help for having PND.

Aria999 · 29/01/2022 12:48

@SomewhereOnlyIKnow

I think that, when a lot of people consider having a baby, they don’t consider that the child could be born with mental/physical disabilities that may stop you working/travelling and may consume the rest of your life.
I certainly did consider this, it was terrifying. But it's a chance you have to take if you want kids.
shrunkenhead · 29/01/2022 12:56

No. My body and mind were ruined. I love her to bits but sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off staying child-free.

Strokethefurrywall · 29/01/2022 13:40

I also think your life circumstances dictate whether you find parenting fulfilling or not.
If you’re struggling financially, or have a sub optimal support circle, it would be far easier to find parenting regretful because it brings into stark contrast lack of support or opportunity.

Not true for all of course, but it is far more likely being a parent is harder if you’re struggling emotionally or practically and unable to seek respite from the relentlessness of it.

Stookeen · 29/01/2022 13:56

That is entirely true, and your experience of parenting is hugely dependent on economic factors, support, whether you’re a single parent or in a supportive partnership, job type etc. We had one child late, when we were senior enough to work very flexibly and afford the childcare we needed because we had DS abroad. That, and the fact that he is healthy and NT, that he doesn’t have siblings, and that we’re both sharing the hands-on parenting goes some way to meaning that parenting is fulfilling rather than restricting.

Having said that — we did realise this in advance. It’s part of the reason we postponed parenthood. We couldn’t have had him, and wouldn’t have wanted to, as penniless postgrads.

Original poster
Waifwafer · 30/01/2022 08:04

@Strokethefurrywall

Definitely don’t do it *@TedMullins* - you can’t worry about the what ifs.

Having children is NOT the be all and end all no matter what society has drummed into women for millennia. You matter as much as now as you would with children, only I fear you would lose yourself if you had a child.

If the biological urge isn’t there, don’t for a second doubt it. You don’t need to have a baby because you’re a woman and have a uterus.

I had kids because I had a biological need. Utterly unexplainable. But just as I had the urge to have them, now I’ve had them I have zero biological urge to have anymore. Like the flick of a switch which just shows you how fickle biological urge is.

I’m hoping there comes a time where women aren’t pressured by society to feel like they should have children - procreation is not all we’re good for! 🙂

This is a brilliant post. Thank you!
OP posts:
Original poster
Waifwafer · 30/01/2022 08:07

@Sunnytwobridges

I love my DD but nope, I wouldn't have had any children. I'm seriously introverted and I don't like to be obligated to anyone or have anyone dependent on me. I feel like I missed out on things and a lot of freedom becoming a parent. I think MAYBE if I had her at an older age I would feel differently - I could've had time to do more but I went from college to being a parent and didnt' get a chance to live the child-free life at all.
Totally fine to feel that way. You still love your kids and no one needs to feel "sorry" for the kids after you have posted this. Don't listen to the PP that posted that comment!
OP posts:
Original poster
Waifwafer · 30/01/2022 08:13

@Twattergy

Yes I would, and I had no big urge to be a mum. My reason? The older I get, the less important and 'real' most things in life seem - material things, looks, jobs - the only genuinely real thing I've done is be a parent. Hard to explain but I feel as a human parenthood is a fundamental experience. I think it is really wise not to do it (more freedom, money, choices) but at the same time it is a human experience that, for me, I'm glad I've had the privilege to experience.
What about friendships, hugs, loving a pet, supporting charities, spending time with nieces and nephews and being a great listener? To me, these things are very real and just as valuable and fundamental to my personality than having children of my own. Ooo
OP posts:
Mummadeze · 30/01/2022 08:15

I wanted one girl and I was fortunate to have her. I can be a bit self centred but she makes me a better person. I didn’t really have a grip on my life before she came along but I am more balanced and more mature now. It might be an age thing but I am glad I had her. She is very loving and good company. We have had a lot of happy times together. It is a sense of fulfilment really that I haven’t had from anything else.

MissMollieO · 30/01/2022 08:15

@Waifwafer

If you feel like you don't want children then don't feel pressure by anyone or society to have them.

I was the opposite to you. I couldn't imagine life without having a baby and went through fertility treatment to have a child. Then when my son was born I deeply regretted my decision.
He was such hard work as a baby and cried constantly. I was so down and said on many many occasions if someone has shown or told me the reality of it I might not have been so keen.

Obviously now that has passed I love my son so much and wouldn't be without him however there are still days that in like wtf have I done !! It's the hardest job in the world and there no down time really.

You lose your freedom somewhat. I feel like all I do is work and then come home to my other job.

We have decided not to have anymore children as I don't want to go through that again.

So if you enjoy your life and freedom and doing as you please then don't feel
You must have children.

Original poster
Waifwafer · 30/01/2022 08:19

@SomewhereOnlyIKnow

I think that, when a lot of people consider having a baby, they don’t consider that the child could be born with mental/physical disabilities that may stop you working/travelling and may consume the rest of your life.
Sorry to keep quoting other people's posts, but this is something I think about every time I'm having a tiny wobble. I'm sure kids with additional needs are not loved and that the parents aren't happy... But in some cases it must be all-consuming and such hard work. Looking back at responses from such parents on this thread have confirmed this to a better degree.
OP posts:
EatYourVegetables · 30/01/2022 08:20

I live my children but I hate motherhood. It is incredibly difficult and relentless, completely undervalued by the society, and poised to ruin the women by the relentless pressure on their bodies, career, finances, and minds. No similar effects on men so goes completely unacknowledged.

WhoAre · 30/01/2022 08:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Juanbablo · 30/01/2022 08:24

Absolutely.

Original poster
Waifwafer · 30/01/2022 08:25

SORRY are loved and are happy!!!

OP posts:
mumsiedarlingrevolta · 30/01/2022 08:34

Morning @Waifwafer

I think yours is such an interesting question-I would definitely have, yes, but I also think I am wired to be very maternal. I always loved babies, always wanted children, always wanted to be a mother.
Somehow my innate, almost primal deeply rooted longings are validated by society but yours are somehow looked at sceptically.

You are soo much better off listening to your self-yes babies are hard. But so are children and my children are all in their early 20's and sometimes the mental load is heavier as they grow through teens etc and it is all consuming.

There are plenty of things you can do if you feel you want some sample of "mothering" which comes in many many shapes.
You could do volunteer work with children or animals or charity.

But I would say 100% listen to your feelings and live the life you and your DP choose.

So many people would have been better off having the courage of conviction to do the same!

Marikali · 30/01/2022 08:35

The absolute joy and light of my life. It has certainly not always been easy and I now find myself a single mother of 3 but they are the most wonderful decisions I ever made and I am so so glad of them.

LumosSolem · 30/01/2022 08:37

@Twattergy

Yes I would, and I had no big urge to be a mum. My reason? The older I get, the less important and 'real' most things in life seem - material things, looks, jobs - the only genuinely real thing I've done is be a parent. Hard to explain but I feel as a human parenthood is a fundamental experience. I think it is really wise not to do it (more freedom, money, choices) but at the same time it is a human experience that, for me, I'm glad I've had the privilege to experience.
I'm surprised this comment hasn't been pulled up on a bit more tbh. I'm really not one for being oversensitive, in deed it doesn't affect me at particularly as I do have DC, but I think it's a very insensitive comment on a site where there are many women struggling to conceive.

I'm sorry but to suggest that having children is 'fundamental' to the experience of being a human is bollocks too. I have two DC who I love dearly, I wouldn't change my decision to have them, but I'm also certain I could have had just as fulfilling a life without them. It's hard work with DC but I haven't found it excessively so. What has made it hard is having a link to my useless, abusive ex, who does the bare minimum for them. I wish I could change THAT- but I wouldn't change my DC 😁

OP if you don't want DC you can have a perfectly fulfilling and happy life- of course you can change your mind if you want to but being child free is the perfect choice for many people. Do what you need to do to enjoy your life. I think the greatest invention of all time is modern contraception which gives women so much more control over whether they have children or not and the size of the families they do have.

Original poster
Waifwafer · 30/01/2022 08:41

@mumsiedarlingrevolta Morning, and thanks for this brilliant advice! I actually work with children so I feel like I get my fair share of them during the working week. I also know that my DSIS will have kids and I'll be a brilliant Auntie. For those posting saying "I felt the same as you when I was your age and then I got to 37/38 and then suddenly wanted one and won't look back"...obviously I can't be 100% sure that this biological urge won't suddenly appear for me, but I actively hope it won't! DP is late 30s and he feels the same. Luckily we are on the same wavelength and hugely enjoy the life we have together, and with our friends and family.

OP posts:
KimmyKimdoo · 30/01/2022 08:52

Having my children is actually even better than I imagined. I love them endlessly, they are little rays of sunshine honestly. They make me smile, fill our house with giggles and silliness. They’re just a genuine pleasure to be with and I love them and spending my time with them more than anything in the world.

Comedycook · 30/01/2022 08:53

Probably not. The anxiety and worry is too much...and gets worse as they get older!