School "lost" my vulnerable ADHD/ODD son today!

[3Daddy31982]

Head was nice to me. That in itself isn't normal. She said XXXX played a game with us today. I was a bit lost. Turns out they'd lost him for quite some time. He'd hidden in cupboard. Other child told us they'd been out shouting his name. Class children were also searching for him!

He has ehcp and meant to have a one to one. I've previously not been happy with TAs not watching him.

He also came out in huge sobbing tears.

When he'd calmed down he told us noone found him. He didn't want to go to assembly and they'd said he had to. He said he was on his own! Which he must have been if they didn't know where he was.

Gut feeling is he isn't safe at this school. Felt that way since Sept when my Dad went to pick third child up and saw him solo and unwatched.

"They will continue to blame other people as the situation gets worse and heads towards permanent exclusion."

With an ehcp and permanent exclusion they will probably to be able to get ( especially with a parent who knows the law) very special educational provision. It will cost the LA a fortune. Much cheaper and better for everyone to have looked at the reasons behind the problems in the first place.

He hid in a cupboard because he quite clearly doesn’t want to go to assembly. (Which I don’t blame a child with additional needs, some can cope, some can’t, he is obviously one that can’t, if he has 1-1 during assembly time then she should stay with him in the classroom and do an activity he likes, or take him to the outdoor area and he shouldn’t be made to go, I would figure this would be a common sense approach)

@kittensinthekitchen
Similarly, do you think the school can possibly live to parents’ frankly unrealistic expectations? SEN or not, I find many parents’ attitude unbearable. Even in the best of times, even in a “perfect” school, a pupil can’t be treated like the only individual on the planet. “My poor child!” “Complain!” is almost always the only reaction to any kind of incident. Please, people, go work and/or volunteer in one of your local schools, see the reality of it and come back to this thread.

I have a child with sen and used to be a teacher. I find the attitude of some teachers unbearable. I also thought that when I was teaching.

[quote newchance2]@kittensinthekitchen
Similarly, do you think the school can possibly live to parents’ frankly unrealistic expectations? SEN or not, I find many parents’ attitude unbearable. Even in the best of times, even in a “perfect” school, a pupil can’t be treated like the only individual on the planet. “My poor child!” “Complain!” is almost always the only reaction to any kind of incident. Please, people, go work and/or volunteer in one of your local schools, see the reality of it and come back to this thread.[/quote]
You don't know what the OPs expectations are, or any other parent you've generalised about, as they haven't come back to the thread to give information.

You made a very clear, very generalised statement suggesting that incidents like this occur because of parents not addressing children's behaviour. That's not only insulting, but it's also inaccurate. Incidents that occur in school involving pupils with additional needs typical occur because of something in that time or environment that have triggered the child there and then. Yes, parents can work with the school and with the child to learn adaptive strategies, but, similarly there are lots of incidents that occur in school that would or could have been handled better.
If you meant this parent and not the "these parents" that you said, then fair enough, if you know more about this incident than the OP has included in their comments.
If you did mean "these parents", then people like you who generalise and judge without the full picture are part of the problem, and not the solution.

@Spikeyball
And what would be this attitude in OP’s situation be from the feacher? The fact that the child was asked to attend assembly? First of all, what would happen if we never ask SEN children to go out of their comfort zone? Never prepare them to live in the real world, or follow the rules of the mainstream school? Never ask them to sit during an intervention. Never ask them to stop playing with this particular toy car. What if we never ask ANY child to do anything that’s uncomfortable to them? It’s all still a speculation, but OP’s child could react to anything this way, having ODD. Assembly or not. One step forward, two steps back. Things happen! Do you think the school staff have a hidden agenda to cause a deliberate distress to this particular child? “Find the reasons for behaviour “, “individual approach” - I agree wholeheartedly, but it’s a PROCESS, and the opportunity for “individual approach” are extremely extremely extremely limited in short staffed, underfunded schools where this mystical God like person, 1to1 TA, will do the magic of nothing adverse every happen!

@kittensinthekitchen
We do know.
We know she expects someone to have their eyes on her child at all times despite the fact he’s only entitled to 17 hours 1:1 time

What will your plan be if you remove him from this school? There won't be another school ready and willing to take him probably for months.

@kittensinthekitchen
It’s wasn’t me who commented about parents’ responsibility, even though in SOME cases I find that it could be the case. The most benign example is not to teach their children some personal responsibility for their own possessions. Because the teacher can drop everything and go search for this particular very special glove, while the class is left unattended. Parents usually see red: “the school doesn’t look after my child! They lose things every day! They can’t properly supervise children not losing their clothes!”

Oh he was just hiding in a cupboard in the classroom. I thought you meant he had managed to leave the school grounds or something. Phew.

"First of all, what would happen if we never ask SEN children to go out of their comfort zone? Never prepare them to live in the real world, or follow the rules of the mainstream school?"

Do you use the real world phrase in relation to children with physical disabilities? Children should be supported to become as independent as they can be. The real world phrase is awful.

[quote AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]@kittensinthekitchen
We do know.
We know she expects someone to have their eyes on her child at all times despite the fact he’s only entitled to 17 hours 1:1 time[/quote]
That rather depends on what the EHCP says, though, doesn't it? If he's mentioned to have 1:1 support for transitions, for instance - which is quite common for children with ASD - then this shouldn't have happened. And even if it isn't defined, if they knew he didn't want to go to assembly - which is highly likely - then someone should have been keeping an eye on him anyway.

I think if a child is trying to avoid assembly by hiding in a cupboard it is probably worth considering if it is actually something they need to do. I know a child who used to hide in a particular place to avoid going in the school dining room. The school insisted they went. It ended up in chairs being kicked over and the child being restrained because they were trying to run out again. Thankfully they are now in a school where they are not forced into a big noisy dining room.

What if he's avoiding PE?

The "real world" is sometimes valid, sometimes not.

One child I am aware of always had to be first in the queue at primary school so they let me. Didn't work out well when he walked up to the bus queue when he was older.

I think if a child is trying to avoid assembly by hiding in a cupboard it is probably worth considering if it is actually something they need to do. I know a child who used to hide in a particular place to avoid going in the school dining room. The school insisted they went. It ended up in chairs being kicked over and the child being restrained because they were trying to run out again. Thankfully they are now in a school where they are not forced into a big noisy dining room.

@Spikeyball how is that child ever going to
Cope when he's older?

@Spikeyball
Who talks about specific physical disabilities? We are talking about a child, who has additional needs and requires adjustments. This child, however, can attend the mainstream school and has certain goals to achieve in order, like you said, to gain certain level of independence. This is my impression from this post/thread. I understand your example about the noisy environment. But let’s not paint everything with the same brush. We don’t know if OP’s child indeed suffers from acute sensitivity to noise.

I think if a child is trying to avoid assembly by hiding in a cupboard it is probably worth considering if it is actually something they need to do

Sure. But there are only so many staff to go around. And one child who won't attend needs one adult to supervise them whereas the school can manage, say, 10 adults and 300 + children in the school hall. He has 1 to 1 funding but it is not full time so maybe a revision of the times the 1 to 1 works might help (although whether that particular 1 to 1 is able to change his/her hours is another issue, potentially leaving said child with no one to help whilst someone else is recruited. This has an impact not only on the child but on the rest of the class when attention is diverted away from the class as a whole to manage the one child.

All this is exacerbated by the current situation with covid.

So many unanswered questions and possibly drama. We have one who is watched constantly but can run faster than us and at times hides. Doesn't mean we are negligent or the child is unsafe.

Adults aren't required to be in school assemblies or school dining rooms. They may with the right support in time (years) cope better with busier environments or they may not. As adults with a disability they will be entitled to reasonable adjustments.

@Spikeyball you don't think there are similar things we have to attend as adults?

There is nothing adults have to attend. There are things adults may be expected to attend but some adults ( like my son) will probably not go them. Some people will learn to cope with some events in time ie manage a formal predictable service but not something more informal. Telling a child you must go to assembly because everyone has to and telling them off for not coping with it, isn't going to work.

@Spikeyball adults are always in our assemblies. The head can’t supervise the whole school.

My son ran off when he was a toddler, I turned my back for a second when I was putting my scarf on. My DH was also there. Luckily a nice lady found him and brought him back. I was really upset but also know that it happens to lots of people. No one blamed me at the time. I think you are being too harsh on the school. It sounds like you don’t like the school though, so you should remove him.

"But there are only so many staff to go around"

Yes I get the staffing issue. I think the OP should be discussing the hiding incident with the school to work out how and why it happened and how to move forward from it including if the ehcp needs an early review.