Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School "lost" my vulnerable ADHD/ODD son today!

367 replies

3Daddy31982 · 28/01/2022 20:13

Head was nice to me. That in itself isn't normal. She said XXXX played a game with us today. I was a bit lost. Turns out they'd lost him for quite some time. He'd hidden in cupboard. Other child told us they'd been out shouting his name. Class children were also searching for him!

He has ehcp and meant to have a one to one. I've previously not been happy with TAs not watching him.

He also came out in huge sobbing tears.

When he'd calmed down he told us noone found him. He didn't want to go to assembly and they'd said he had to. He said he was on his own! Which he must have been if they didn't know where he was.

Gut feeling is he isn't safe at this school. Felt that way since Sept when my Dad went to pick third child up and saw him solo and unwatched.

OP posts:
Foxyloxy1plus1 · 29/01/2022 12:44

17 hours is nowhere near full time 1-1. Assuming a morning is three hours and an afternoon, two hours, that would only cover three days and a bit. I imagine the school is trying to use the cover for lesson time and that is presumably, what has been agreed when the EHCP was put in place

Ask for an emergency review of the EHCP if you feel it’s no longer adequate.

Sowhatifiam · 29/01/2022 12:47

There's also 2 male registered paedophiles in our small town

Seriously? There are male registered paedophiles all over the bloody place. Did the school leave him in a park? Did they fail to put him on a coach and leave him alone in town?

Your son will need to attend assembly. There is no opting out of that. I recognise the ODD (I am teachign someone with it at the moment and it is very, very difficult to deal with but the bottom line is that there is an expecation he does everything that everyone else does).

Yes, he should have a TA. But the situation at the moment is that many, many staff are in and out with covid and there simply isn't enough staff to go round. I would expect the school to communicate this to you but if he has wandered off when the teacher was looking the other way what do you expect them to do? There are 29 other children in the class, sometimes a teacher will have to speak with those children too. They found him as quickly as they could (and he clearly didn't respond when called in the first instance) and I am sure did what they could to comfort him when they found him.

I would calm down and ask to speak to the head about what happened. If you go in all guns blazing, you won't help the situation. He possibly needs extra support and some revision to his ECHP so aim to look at that and what can be done to ensure that it never happens again. I am sure the school are well aware that what happened was unacceptable and will do everything they can to make sure it doesn't happen again. Focus on how they intend to address the issue rather than what happened.

covilha · 29/01/2022 12:54

Further to comments that only those with a child with sen should comment. Well, I do have a child with sen. I value his safety and wish him to understand how to keep himself safe, that is why I made those comments on my initial post

2reefsin30knots · 29/01/2022 12:57

He's in Y2 and not engaging well with school in general:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4456199-Any-Year-2-Teachers-Would-you-expect-a-childs-2-books-from-Sept-to-be-empty

affairsofdragons · 29/01/2022 12:59

@MabelsApron

Another thread that makes me feel genuinely amazed that there’s anyone left that’s prepared to work in a school.
Yep. Schools can't win, no matter how dedicated and hard-working the staff.
IWentAwayIStayedAway · 29/01/2022 13:13

Raise acomplaint. Where was his TA

PupInAPram · 29/01/2022 13:29

@IWentAwayIStayedAway

Raise acomplaint. Where was his TA
He doesn't have a TA for every hour of school, only 17 hours. How about approach the school in a positive way to to work out how home and school can discourage the child from hiding and ignoring staff when they called out to him?
BluebellsGreenbells · 29/01/2022 13:33

Staff are entitled to a break, which they take during assembly. I assume they didn’t get their break that day, I doubt it’s not the first break they’ve missed. He was hiding. He knew what he was doing. They didn’t leave him alone, he chose to hide. Take some responsibility. Staff are human too.

Benjispruce5 · 29/01/2022 13:38

HE DOES NOT HAVE A FULL TIME TA.

hunder · 29/01/2022 13:38

No one, not even a 1:1 TA can keep there eyes on a child constantly. Your child was safe inside the school.
Work with the school to help your child realise that their actions were not safe. It sounds like assembly was a trigger? If your child is finding some aspects of school difficult it is important they have appropriate ways of sharing this with adults.

heartonthetyne · 29/01/2022 13:42

@Benjispruce5

HE DOES NOT HAVE A FULL TIME TA.
Yeah the OP isn't going to come back is s/he?
Benjispruce5 · 29/01/2022 13:43

I have a child in class 2 that often chooses assembly time to have a meltdown. She has no 1:1 as that funding hasn’t come through yet. She is not the only child with SEN in the class.There is no TA at assembly time. I can’t leave her alone so I have to send the rest of the class into assembly and ask another member of staff to watch 60 in assembly instead of 30. This is daily school stuff. If you want better staffed schools and funding for full time 1:1s, I do hope you don’t vote Conservative.

trunktoes · 29/01/2022 13:44

These parents who pass blame onto everyone else and don't address the behaviours of their kids ... what's going to happen when he's out in the big wide world and Mummy has no influence anymore? He needs to be told that hiding is unacceptable blaming the school instead of addressing his behaviour will do no good in the long run

HashtagSexy · 29/01/2022 13:52

This happened to my son when he was in reception class. He was scared to see the guest that was coming in to talk to the class, so when they all filed out to the hall, he was able to walk straight out of the doors and onto the field that links to the juniors, where he promptly got lost and sat in their willow maze, sobbing for an hour. Head also gave out as a "goodness, Tommy played such a game with us today!"

I think I was so stunned that I just wanted to get my frightened little boy home. The next day I asked them for a meeting. Three days later, I'd had time to become so outraged about it that I absolutely ripped their heads off in the meeting and told them I was reporting the breach of safeguarding to ofsted and the local authority.

Toasterandjam · 29/01/2022 13:56

Wow thats disgraceful OP. A friends kid managed to escape from primary and turned up at home and he hasn't any additional needs. She didn't make a fuss but I would've. That's awful for your son. Don't blame you not sending him back esp if you don't feel he's been safe for some time, trust your instincts and definitely complain. Thank goodness he's OK.

DolphinFC · 29/01/2022 14:00

I'm sure the school will be quite happy if you don't send him back.

Win win.

Spikeyball · 29/01/2022 14:04

"He needs to be told that hiding is unacceptable blaming the school instead of addressing his behaviour will do no good in the long run"

It is better to find out why he is hiding. Some children do this when they are not coping. 'Discipline' in this situation does not sort the problem out.

Spikeyball · 29/01/2022 14:06

"I'm sure the school will be quite happy if you don't send him back.

Win win."

Yes I get you would prefer children with disabilities not be in your child's school.

DolphinFC · 29/01/2022 14:10

It's unreasonable parents that are the problem.

trunktoes · 29/01/2022 14:11

@Spikeyball but neither will not addressing the behaviour with her son. I agree they need to look into the issue with assembly but he needs to be made aware of what is acceptable behaviour wise. It sounds like the OP is just blaming the school but not accepting that her son has a part to play in this. I do worry about how kids with parents like this are going to manage when they are older.

Spikeyball · 29/01/2022 14:14

A child with 17 hours 1:1 on an ehcp has significant needs. That is a lot of hours. People need to remember that.

DolphinFC · 29/01/2022 14:16

[quote trunktoes]@Spikeyball but neither will not addressing the behaviour with her son. I agree they need to look into the issue with assembly but he needs to be made aware of what is acceptable behaviour wise. It sounds like the OP is just blaming the school but not accepting that her son has a part to play in this. I do worry about how kids with parents like this are going to manage when they are older.[/quote]
They will continue to blame other people as the situation gets worse and heads towards permanent exclusion.

Spikeyball · 29/01/2022 14:23

trunktoes if a child is hiding or running off because they are anxious then all the tellings off in the world won't stop the behaviour.

Krakenchorus · 29/01/2022 14:27

OP has not been back to say how old the child is? Couldn't see it, anyway.

No school, no nanny, no childminder, no special educational setting, no babysitter, no parent is going to watch a child every second for hours on end. You don't do that when your child is at home, OP. If your child wanted to escape your home and run down the street, he could do that. The older he gets, the more likely that is to happen if he wishes it.

Your child was not unsafe. He wasn't supervised (because he ran away and hid), but he wasn't in physical danger in that cupboard, either. Frustrated, scared, angry, lonely, sad, confused... sure. But unsafe? Not really.

Your OP left out a lot of relevant detail. I am sorry for your ds that he went through that. I am sorry for the teachers and TAs, who must have been frantic. There should certainly be a review of his needs and whether they can be met in this setting.

But the overdramatic claims of the school failing him are not going to help anyone. Go in and calmly find out what they feel is necessary going forward and whether they can provide it.

kittensinthekitchen · 29/01/2022 14:28

@trunktoes

These parents who pass blame onto everyone else and don't address the behaviours of their kids ... what's going to happen when he's out in the big wide world and Mummy has no influence anymore? He needs to be told that hiding is unacceptable blaming the school instead of addressing his behaviour will do no good in the long run
He has diagnosed medical conditions which impact behaviour and decision making. Do you think all additional needs could be solved by parents just realising their kids needs to manage in the world?

What a crappy attitude you have.

Swipe left for the next trending thread