To be reluctant to be a Godparent to a child about to be adopted

[LoveMyPiano]

I have previously posted about the situation with my neighbour/friend (younger than my own daughter), who - after a lengthy process - is about to lose her daughter, after the baby has spent nearly 7 months in Foster Care (starting after her birth). Earlier this month, a Final Order was made by the Court and she will be placed with an adoptive family, in the next month or so I think.

A concession (amongst others that have been made) is that she can be Christened (not sure how that will work wrt to her name after adoption), and, at the last minute (...) I have been asked to be Godmother.

In view of the adoption proceess, I am not really sure of how my being Gp would work, or have any relevance whatsoever in her future life. I AM prepared to do it for my "friend", as I feel so very very sad for her, and she does need all the support she can get.

But I am not sure of the wisom of it, and how that is affeced also by her being Roman Catholic (and I am pretty much agnostic, Methodiist at a push and Buddhist by preference.... not that ANY of that will come into it); I would hate to just pay lip service to it - but really do wish that I had not been asked.

(My daughter's Godparents have been 100% hands off, I am sorry to say.)

I would welcome any thoughts, suggestions, opinions....
(Oh yes, it so last minute that the Christening [Baptism?] is on Sunday...) Help?

OP you sound so incredibly kind and thoughtful, you are carefully working your way through this. I wonder if it would help to simply act with loving kindness, as that is surely the simplest tenet of all religions .
It would not then feel hypocritical to be a Godparent, your heartfelt desire to help another person ( what a tragic thing for her to experience) is the important thing here.
It will help your friend feel that at least in this instance, she has done the “right thing” . In the future this may be comforting, it may also be comforting to her child as she grows up.

Please just do it for your friend. This is one of the last things she can do for her child; just support her.

I’m an adoptive mum; it will probably mean nothing going forward, but it will mean the world to her right now.

Yes, this is my understanding of being a godparent in the Catholic faith. I'm not even very religious but I've always known that in my family, if you're asked to be a godparent, the parents are asking you on the understanding that should anything happen to them, they would wish for you to take on the care for their child. Bit awkward for me as I'm a Godmother but I don't know the Godfather, we only met at the church. Do you think we'd have to live together or would he get her EOW, lot of travelling as he lives 200 miles away.

I would do it as a kindness to the mother (and I despise all religions and don't really approve of religious naming ceremonies).
It's a symbolic ceremony that in this context is giving her some comfort, which she will need, and it will do no harm whatsoever to the child. It's no skin off your nose, and though some people might say that the mother is a terrible person and shouldn't be 'pandered to' by allowing this ceremony to take place, they can fuck off.
I would also be inclined to get a small gift for the child (my go-to baby gift is usually a poetry anthology) or at least a card with a message along the lines of 'good luck for the future, you are loved'.

I’d just do it. It’s a simple thing to do for the mum answer nice memory for her to keep.

Realistically you’ll probably never here anything of the child again and I doubt the christening will have any massive long term implications for the baby or adoptive family,

So it’s mainly for the mum isn’t it..

You say about trying to extricate yourself from the situation. Do you even want to be so involved with this persons life ongoing ( the mum).

@Wreath21the gift is a great idea. Something small the baby can keep and be told about when they are older.

I would do it. It's a rite of passage, normally a 'starting life' rite but in this particular circumstance it's a 'letting go and saying goodbye' rite. Perhaps since there isn't a particular ritual for this traumatic transition your friend is instead turning to another tradition which holds the parents and baby together in a special sacred moment. I don't think you need to overthink the religious side of things.

@Yika

I would do it. It's a rite of passage, normally a 'starting life' rite but in this particular circumstance it's a 'letting go and saying goodbye' rite. Perhaps since there isn't a particular ritual for this traumatic transition your friend is instead turning to another tradition which holds the parents and baby together in a special sacred moment. I don't think you need to overthink the religious side of things.

This.

You have the chance to make the unbearable just a tiny bit less shit for your friend. This will have no repercussions for you. But she will have had a ceremony that means something to her, and that will leave a memory that will comfort her.

I honestly don't believe that this is worthy of the sort of overthinking that you're giving it.

@MooSakah

Ask if you're still allowed to be a godparent given you are a Buddhist?

Not sure i would do this as she will probably say yes and youll have to find another excuse with it being horribly clear that you're trying to do so

@2holibobssofar

If she’s catholic, the god parent would be required to be catholic, as you are assuming the role of ensuring and supporting her spiritual education. Also, usually, taking her in should her parents die. Which you won’t be able to do if she’s being adopted, so maybe the priest is letting this slide if he knows she’s being adopted.

Apparently, they'll accept other denominations as 'Christian witnesses' or something.

@LoveMyPiano

Hm - yes, some food for thought. I DO wish she had not put me in the position to be honest - BUT, in it's simplest form, it is a way to be of some support - but I do question the "wisdom" when I consider the religious aspect of it (Methodist upbringing, but not really faithful to it as as soon as I could escape) and that it might be an issue for baby herself in future years - both positively and negatively, although MY small part is hardly the be-all and end-all, I know that.

I do think that everything is trumped by the fact she will be adopted soon, and yet this is what presents the quandry, for me at least.
I have been trying to extricate myself from this since 2020, and have obviously failed. I do want to treat it with the seriousness it warrants, hence looking for some thoughts from you all.

(My own borther was adopted "out" of our "family", and his name was very much changed. No-one even told me about him for nearly 30 years.... But maybe things are different these days.)

I will not be outed from this...... No-one connected goes on Mumsnet.

You cant possibly know that no one connected goes on mumsnet....................

I don't know your approach to things. If it were me, then I would speak with the mother and hopefully then together with the priest, to see if the ceremony can be worded sensitively for all parties in recognition of the adoption. Making the ceremony closer to wishing the baby well on its new path, and sending it away under God's protection, would mean you aren't lying in a church and it's actively meaningful for all. They might all hate the idea and kick you off godparents duty of course, but that's what I'd do. I wish the little baby well, and a happy future for it.

Soooo much wisdom, and such a great help; thank you to all for offering experiences and advice. (And yes, I probably AM overthinking , I have a tendency to do that, but this situation is worthy of some thought, I would say.....)

I think, unless my own religious/other beliefs are questioned, I shall try to keep that part secondary to my wish to help my friend and, to an extent - if for this day only - her daughter. I do doubt very much that I will see her in the future, and my involvement in this occasion is of course, not intended to be a highlight, of anything much at all.

I am a great sentmentalist, so the ideas for noting things down for her are so nice - and I love the ideas for cards, notes, keepsakes and yes, an anthology of poetry. Although I am also not sure how much of these can be passed on to her, now, or at some future date. The adoption itself is creating a minefeld, and now this Baptism is another "complication", no matter how you look at it - and I am trying to see all points of view.

In the end, I do want to simply be supportive for the time it takes - and the future support I could offer is of course, not relevant, due to the adoption. I do think there is room in all of us to see other sides to things, which is how I have ended up with my wide view of beliefs, which I would never try to force on anyone, but which do make me broad-minded and adaptable.

I don't think my friend is strong in her faith, and I cannot judge her for that in the midst of everything else, can I?

If you are "Agnostic" and into Bhudism, you aren't a Christian and therefore you won't and can't be a "Godparent". It is a serious responsibility that, from the off, you cannot comply with, so you will have to tell her "no".

Im a god parent to someone who is catholic and i am not
No one ever asked me if i was or wasnt

@saraclara

You have the chance to make the unbearable just a tiny bit less shit for your friend. This will have no repercussions for you. But she will have had a ceremony that means something to her, and that will leave a memory that will comfort her.

I honestly don't believe that this is worthy of the sort of overthinking that you're giving it.

As I have said, I don't think I AM overthinking it - and I certainly had not considered it as deeply as some of the responses on here have promped me to. It is worthy of consideration, and I don't have anyone else to ask or who can give me advice about this. The thread has grown - and I am appreciative for all the views and advice. That does not mean I am over-thinking - and IF I am, i have my own personal reasons for doing so - but they are not the point. The advice about Baptisms - and hearing what people have to say is greatly welcomed.

I’m surprised at the number of people claiming to be atheist or even anti-Christian, and godparents. I don’t know how you can be so hypocritical.

@worriedatthemoment

Im a god parent to someone who is catholic and i am not No one ever asked me if i was or wasnt

Was there communion at the service/mass?

What a horribly sad situation. I would do it, even if you have to fake the belief. The christening will have no life implications but will presumably be recorded on file. The baby, when she grows up, will read about it one day and know that when her mother was going through a difficult time she had a friend with her.

@NatashaBedwouldbenice

I’m surprised at the number of people claiming to be atheist or even anti-Christian, and godparents. I don’t know how you can be so hypocritical.

Any more hypocritical than atheists and agnostics getting married in church? Or the guests who attend? Or the bridesmaids? It's what happens in a culturally Christian, but largely secular society.

@saraclara

You have the chance to make the unbearable just a tiny bit less shit for your friend. This will have no repercussions for you. But she will have had a ceremony that means something to her, and that will leave a memory that will comfort her.

I honestly don't believe that this is worthy of the sort of overthinking that you're giving it.

As a Catholic, my understanding of the Godparent role is to do your best to protect the soul of the child on behalf of the parent. Given the circumstances, to me, that would mean for the duration that the child is with their parent. It would be a beautiful gift that may give the mother some degree of closure that under her 'care' everything that she was able to do for her child was done.

@ancientgran

Yes, this is my understanding of being a godparent in the Catholic faith. I'm not even very religious but I've always known that in my family, if you're asked to be a godparent, the parents are asking you on the understanding that should anything happen to them, they would wish for you to take on the care for their child. Bit awkward for me as I'm a Godmother but I don't know the Godfather, we only met at the church. Do you think we'd have to live together or would he get her EOW, lot of travelling as he lives 200 miles away.

There's a comedy film about this isn't there?

@2holibobssofar

If she’s catholic, the god parent would be required to be catholic, as you are assuming the role of ensuring and supporting her spiritual education. Also, usually, taking her in should her parents die. Which you won’t be able to do if she’s being adopted, so maybe the priest is letting this slide if he knows she’s being adopted.

Only one God parent needs to be a Catholic. And being a godparent does not mean that you take on the child if the parents were unable to care for the child. It's about helping parents bring up The child according to the faith.

I think in the situation the baby needs as much love and support as possible. It is unlikely that you will be able to continue the support. But in the immediate moment it matters and will give so much.

The religious argument is an important one in the ordinary run of things. But this is a crisis moment. If you are able to give your love and support then that is a good thing. If that baby grows up and learns that there were people that wished it well and wanted everything to be ok, then that is a good thing.