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Original poster

To be reluctant to be a Godparent to a child about to be adopted

373 replies

LoveMyPiano · 28/01/2022 18:32

I have previously posted about the situation with my neighbour/friend (younger than my own daughter), who - after a lengthy process - is about to lose her daughter, after the baby has spent nearly 7 months in Foster Care (starting after her birth). Earlier this month, a Final Order was made by the Court and she will be placed with an adoptive family, in the next month or so I think.

A concession (amongst others that have been made) is that she can be Christened (not sure how that will work wrt to her name after adoption), and, at the last minute (...) I have been asked to be Godmother.

In view of the adoption proceess, I am not really sure of how my being Gp would work, or have any relevance whatsoever in her future life. I AM prepared to do it for my "friend", as I feel so very very sad for her, and she does need all the support she can get.

But I am not sure of the wisom of it, and how that is affeced also by her being Roman Catholic (and I am pretty much agnostic, Methodiist at a push and Buddhist by preference.... not that ANY of that will come into it); I would hate to just pay lip service to it - but really do wish that I had not been asked.

(My daughter's Godparents have been 100% hands off, I am sorry to say.)

I would welcome any thoughts, suggestions, opinions....
(Oh yes, it so last minute that the Christening [Baptism?] is on Sunday...) Help?

OP posts:
LethargicActress · 28/01/2022 21:19

I’m quite surprised at how many people would support this baptism. I don’t think I’d want to agree in this position because it doesn’t seem fair to put that much religious symbolism on a child when you’re not going to give them the benefits of being part of that faith. I see these ceremonies as a way of welcoming a child into a faith and a community, not something that should be done to make a parent feel better whatever the sad circumstances.

RonCarlos · 28/01/2022 21:20

The thing is you can't be nominally Catholic in the church's eyes (they're just praying for you until you return Wink), so it's fine to be a godparent even if you don't practice.

Mayhemmumma · 28/01/2022 21:23

It might be nice in years to come if the child ever looks back and finds you, you can tell her stories and info about her mum, she might feel some sense of connection with you that means more than you can anticipate.
It's a heart not head decision, you can't say yes if you're deeply uncomfortable with it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/01/2022 21:23

@LethargicActress

I’m quite surprised at how many people would support this baptism. I don’t think I’d want to agree in this position because it doesn’t seem fair to put that much religious symbolism on a child when you’re not going to give them the benefits of being part of that faith. I see these ceremonies as a way of welcoming a child into a faith and a community, not something that should be done to make a parent feel better whatever the sad circumstances.
As a person of very strong faith, my mother has supported baptisms in similar (if not the same, admittedly) circumstances. She see's it as part of the family of the church and offering support to those who need it.

But then she cares about people.

Buttercup54321 · 28/01/2022 21:28

Arent the parents and Godparents supposed to make promises about how THEY will bring up the child? Surprised a vicar will agree to a Christening knowing the facts.

Olive19741205 · 28/01/2022 21:29

@2holibobssofar

At no point did I say it was a legal thing, but taking the children after the parents die (which would be written in the parent’s will and obviously thoroughly vetted by authorities before any legal decisions were made) is the intended purpose of being a godparent at a catholic baptism (alongside the removal of original sin from the child’s soul) but most people aren’t deeply religious and don’t understand this, hence all the comments saying it’s rubbish.
Yes, this is my understanding of being a godparent in the Catholic faith. I'm not even very religious but I've always known that in my family, if you're asked to be a godparent, the parents are asking you on the understanding that should anything happen to them, they would wish for you to take on the care for their child.
Blinkingheckythump · 28/01/2022 21:34

@IAmMyOwnWorstEnemy

(My own borther was adopted "out" of our "family", and his name was very much changed. No-one even told me about him for nearly 30 years.... But maybe things are different these days.)

Op, although it used to be the case, a baby's name is not allowed to be changed once adopted. I have a friend who has adopted a baby 4 years ago and she couldn't change her birth name. The baby had been in Foster care from birth.

This isn't completely correct. Firstly it's only they take the adoptive parents surname. Secondly if they child is young and has a unique name they do allow you to change the name (for example princess lulu would be changed, lily wouldn't) to help keep the birth family from locating the child
Mushypeasandchipstogo · 28/01/2022 21:34

If she is Catholic you DON’T have to be Catholic too!

Ilovelblue · 28/01/2022 21:39

I would do it to support your friend.

I have just been asked to be godmother to my friend's youngest child and he will be christened in a Catholic church. My friend knows I am not really religious (I suppose agnostic would best describe me) and I am certainly not a Catholic. She must think I am a fine and upstanding citizen though and that it's not all about the religion but also your attitude to life. I was very flattered to be asked and extremely taken aback if I am honest.

SD1978 · 28/01/2022 21:40

It's for your friend and not the baby- it will have no relevance to the babies life at all, but obviously means something to your friend.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 28/01/2022 21:43

Do it for your friend who is about to give up her baby. Its already such a difficult time for her.

karlakourt · 28/01/2022 21:44

Just do it

It means nothing. Im atheist and also godmother to my catholic friends baby

It's just a quick service. Seem pointless but it's her way of controlling something that happens in babys life

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/01/2022 21:45

@MooSakah

Ask if you're still allowed to be a godparent given you are a Buddhist?
You're not.

A godparent must be Christian (of course, people lie)

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/01/2022 21:46

@karlakourt

Just do it

It means nothing. Im atheist and also godmother to my catholic friends baby

It's just a quick service. Seem pointless but it's her way of controlling something that happens in babys life

Thanks - that's my faith and the faith of countless other devout Christians rubbished!
karlakourt · 28/01/2022 21:47

And a Christening has no legal consequence whatsoever

In all likelihood the child will never know they are even a christian or had a christening or a catholic

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 28/01/2022 21:48

Personally I would not agree to be a Godparent in this situation. As a previous poster suggested, children are only put up for adoption under extreme circumstances. It is only fair to the child to let her have a fresh start away from her mother. You can’t possibly agree to carry out your duties as a Godmother if you will have no contact with the child.

ButtonMoonLoon · 28/01/2022 21:49

Religion is one of the few things that birth parents have some rights and control over, both from a dedication point of view but also in expressing their wishes in terms of adoptive family finding.

Letterbox Contact is often set up with other birth family members- so if you wish to maintain a connection then this might be possible, subject to SS and the adoptive parents being in agreement.
Have you said yes or that you will consider her request and get back to her with a decision?

hivemindneeded · 28/01/2022 21:53

Lots of Godparents are hands off. It will mean a lot to your friend and it may well mean a lot to her daughter later in life, that there were people around in the beginning who made an effort for her. I would do it. I would also give your Goddaughter a few presents - a book and a soft toy, maybe a small piece of jewellery , that she can take with her when she is adopted.

karlakourt · 28/01/2022 21:53

@SchadenfreudePersonified

Well it doesn't rubbish your personal views. Sorry! Dont let a cynic like me annoy you.

But in this circumstance it means nothing and is a bit pointless but is a comfort to the mother so go along with it for her

Plenty of people agree to be GP and lie. Plenty of parents christen their kids for fake reasons

Cakeandcardio · 28/01/2022 21:54

Part of being baptised is that when you die you can go to heaven. Even if you don't believe this, it's what baptism is. Maybe the mum wants to give her child this?
OP, I think ultimately you have to decide if you want to support your friend in this way. It's about giving the mum a lovely memory of the daughter she will never see again and of giving an innocent baby a start in her birth mother's religion. Her adoptive parents may be Catholic or they may not. But it doesn't mean the child won't be once an adult. It might be important to her once she is old enough. If not, it won't much matter to her (if she believes, she will value it and if she doesn't she won't). You sound a kind and thoughtful person and the compassion you have shown this woman is more than some Catholics would. Good luck with your decision.

Notverygrownup · 28/01/2022 21:59

If you do go ahead, I wonder if something like this might be a nice Christening gift for the little one to take with her. I am sure at some stage she will wonder why she has been adopted and why her parents couldn't keep her. It might be a reassurance - or you might find it too personal/cheesy! Just a thought

www.wordsintothings.com/product/you-are-loved-you-are-valued-you-are-beautiful-bracelet/?attribute_color=Silver&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIx6L1lLjV9QIVkmDmCh0fZAdkEAQYAyABEgI22_D_BwE

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 28/01/2022 21:59

Buttercup54321 you really think the church should turn people away when they’re at their lowest? That’s an interesting view of Christianity.

Branleuse · 28/01/2022 22:06

Id do it. It will be symbolic for your friend. I wouldnt be able to reject her here. What an awful position for your friend

Barrawarra · 28/01/2022 22:19

I’d do it for your friend. It’s just a gesture. I’d imagine that most people agreeing to be godparents have no intention of setting a religious example for a child, none of those in my Irish catholic extended family do anyway. I see it as a cultural practice more than a religious one.

ancientgran · 28/01/2022 22:21

@Cakeandcardio

Part of being baptised is that when you die you can go to heaven. Even if you don't believe this, it's what baptism is. Maybe the mum wants to give her child this? OP, I think ultimately you have to decide if you want to support your friend in this way. It's about giving the mum a lovely memory of the daughter she will never see again and of giving an innocent baby a start in her birth mother's religion. Her adoptive parents may be Catholic or they may not. But it doesn't mean the child won't be once an adult. It might be important to her once she is old enough. If not, it won't much matter to her (if she believes, she will value it and if she doesn't she won't). You sound a kind and thoughtful person and the compassion you have shown this woman is more than some Catholics would. Good luck with your decision.
The concept of the unbaptised baby not going to heaven but to limbo was dropped by the Catholic church some years ago.