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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and the grandchild allergy

136 replies

HappyHen17 · 27/01/2022 23:09

I’m sure I’m not being unreasonable but as this has been going on for over a year and is causing extensive stress, I thought I’d put it to the masses to ask AIBU? Our son has a peanut allergy, not a life or death one but an uncomfortable hives, swollen lips and itchy one if in contact, he is 4. My MIL loves to feed wild animals in her garden and feeds them peanuts that are all over the kitchen and garden. We have said that our child can’t visit until she has no peanuts, she refuses to move them and says she could box some and he should not touch the ones outside. It’s now got to the point where he’s upset about not visiting and we’ll have to stop our other son from visiting as it seems unfair. AIBU? YABU we just mange it or YANBU are we right to keep the allergic son away!

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/01/2022 23:25

Yanbu. If it was an essential activity for her to be around peanuts (say it was the only food she could eat or making something peanut related was her only source of income) then maybe you could compromise. But it's such a minor easy thing for her to change, its completely bizarre she is digging her heels in and prioritising something that could harm her grandchild over seeing him

RB68 · 27/01/2022 23:27

you shouldn't put peanits in bird food anyway as they contain vitK and if you have RATS it acts as an antidote to the poisons

She is being ridiculous - its perfectly possible to buy mixes with no peanuts. FFS she is prioritising the birds over her grandchild.

With allergies the more contact the worse they get too till one day its epipen territory and A&E visits

HighlandPony · 27/01/2022 23:28

At four it’s probably a good time to be teaching him about his allergy and not to touch them. He will be going to school in a year I assume? Only a matter of time before he’s offered a snickers and no matter how careful you think the school are I can assure you they all swap and share food. A lick for a lick, a bite for a bite etc. Knowledge is power. He will need to know these things. I didn’t keep mine off the farm at that age. At any age actually. We did the “see that, that’s ratbait, eat it and die” thing.

Neolara · 27/01/2022 23:30

I think it depends how "all over the kitchen and garden" they actually are. If they are regularly scattered over the counter tops I wouldn't risk it. If she decants them carefully into a bird feeder outside and stores them carefully, cleaning up after her, it's probably ok. My dd is allergic to peanuts and we don't have them in the house and I would avoid anywhere they are freely available.

Frazzled50yrold · 27/01/2022 23:30

Surely you can't judge with any certainty how he'll react each time. My daughter has a Brazil nut allergy and her reactions aren't always consistent ie:I could never judge that her reaction would be minor. We feed birds with nuts and they're all kept outside in sealed containers so she can work around it.

namechangedforthisoneok · 27/01/2022 23:31

If she can't make the effort to keep the peanuts stashed away (or find an alternative ) then she is incredibly irresponsible and disrespectful.

Don't let your kids go round there!

nocoolnamesleft · 27/01/2022 23:32

Nut allergies have an annoying tendency to get worse with repeated exposure. And 4 is too young to reliably not touch stuff. So you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Louisa4987 · 27/01/2022 23:37

We have a similar issue in that my DD has a peanut allergy and we have relatives that like to feed the birds peanuts. I just don't let her in their gardens when we visit if there's peanuts out. Hers is quite a serious peanut allergy as well and we carry epipens for her. I had hoped that said relatives would stop feeding peanuts upon her diagnosis but some of them have and some haven't.
I would continue to visit but only when you are there to supervise.

TrashyPanda · 27/01/2022 23:38

Yes, you teach your child to avoid peanuts but the adults in his life need to know how to minimise risk and to actively do it!

Your MIL is being bloody stupid and particularly horrid. In fact, it’s like she is making a some sort of weird point. Fuck knows what it is, though.

Allergies are serious and need to be taken seriously.

Theunamedcat · 27/01/2022 23:46

Does she not believe in them? We had a relative that didn't believe in "special needs children" (she would literally do air quotes) apparently everyone makes them up like fucking unicorns turns out they do exist they just used to be locked away

Lillyhatesjaz · 27/01/2022 23:50

My DS is very allergic to peanuts and has an epipen. We don't have any trouble finding bird food with no peanuts in and don't allow peanuts in the house or eat them out of the house ourselves if we are going to be near him later.
Peanut allergy can get worse with subsequent exposure and small particles of nut can get in the air or on the floor and the oil can get onto kitchen surfaces I think you should keep your DS away from your MILS house while she continues to have peanuts

HunkyPunk · 27/01/2022 23:52

Only a matter of time before he’s offered a snickers and no matter how careful you think the school are I can assure you they all swap and share food.

You wouldn’t be able to get a Snickers bar past the gates, in any of the Primary schools I’ve ever had anything to do with!

erinaceus · 28/01/2022 00:03

If your son is upset at not seeing her, and she can't see your other son either, could you have her come over to yours or meet at some third location (a park?).

It won't be so many years before your son can manage himself well enough but in the mean time she is being unreasonable -- but to get around it you could meet elsewhere.

Peoniesandpeaches · 28/01/2022 00:11

Can’t say I would want someone who gives that little of a crap about my child’s welfare around them.

ImprobablePuffin · 28/01/2022 07:48

To me this is so odd that a grandparent would choose garden birds over their own grandchild.

I mean just get a peanut free bird feed, it's so simple.

dancinfeet · 28/01/2022 07:59

My DD is in her 20s and I still don’t have peanuts in my house in case she comes to visit (she has anaphylaxis if comes into contact with them).

billy1966 · 28/01/2022 08:08

She has stated her preference to have peanuts around her home, you must respect this OP.

The consequences of YOU respecting her choice is that you will no longer be going near her home with any of your children under any circumstances.

I would refuse to discuss this further.

She sounds deeply unpleasant or stupid, perhaps both.

But I would not have my children anywhere near a house where she clearly has such little understanding for such a reasonable request.

Do not discuss this further.
Hand it over to your husband and tell him you do not want to hear about it again.

Flickflak · 28/01/2022 08:12

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

DisforDarkChocolate · 28/01/2022 08:16

Allergies like this can develop into more serious reactions. I wouldn't visit either. You can feed the birds without using peanuts.

Sally872 · 28/01/2022 08:18

He has had mild reactions but this doesn't mean he won't have a more serious reaction. I would not have him around peanuts.

Gran has choices, different bird food. Or see child at your house or else where. If gram really doesn't care about the relationship then better your son becomes less attached now which is sad but I wouldn't be putting him at risk to see a gran who isn't bothered enough about seeing him to change her bird food.

Prescottdanni123 · 28/01/2022 08:22

YANBU. There are plenty of other alternates that she can use to feed the wildlife.

NoSquirrels · 28/01/2022 08:23

Prioritising wild animals over your own grandson is astonishing. YANBU.

As PPs have said, refuse to discuss it any more. Nobody visits her at her house.

BogRollBOGOF · 28/01/2022 08:24

DS1 had a similar level of reactions to milk, eggs and soya. He did not live in a milk/ eggs/ soya environment although we were strict about lable checking and cross-contamination with food.

Realistically you can't guarentee that places like school will be nut-free. Items such as cereal bars or pesto can easily be taken in accidentally with over-looked ingredients. Your son needs to be "trained" to check all foods and can't be complacent that an environment is nut-free. At 4, this is coming up in the near future.

As to MiL, it depends on how "all over the place" the nuts are. Most people would have a tub/ package in the kitchen and a patch of the garden where the feeding happens. Long-term a child will need to understand to avoid going into/ touching these areas. So for most people the presence of bird food can be managed without withdrawing the child (non-anphylactic reaction)
If she really is leaving nuts strewn around everywhere then that is a different matter, but that's unusual behaviour and not hygienic management of any foods.

If you do have to withdraw him from hers now, that should be a temporary measure to be reviewed as he matures and is better able to assess his environment.

LaBellina · 28/01/2022 08:25

It’s really not that hard to keep the peanuts in a box with a lid and put that box away when her grandchildren visit. Is her house a total mess? I wouldn’t let my children visit a grandparent that can’t even be bothered to do that little effort to keep them safe. Definitely YANBU.

ReadySteadyTwins · 28/01/2022 08:25

Why is the bird food scattered around her kitchen?

I mean, I get why it's strewn across the garden, but why exactly is bird food covering her kitchen? Peanuts or not, no one has kitchen counters permanently covered in bird food?

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