MIL and the grandchild allergy

[HappyHen17]

I’m sure I’m not being unreasonable but as this has been going on for over a year and is causing extensive stress, I thought I’d put it to the masses to ask AIBU? Our son has a peanut allergy, not a life or death one but an uncomfortable hives, swollen lips and itchy one if in contact, he is 4. My MIL loves to feed wild animals in her garden and feeds them peanuts that are all over the kitchen and garden. We have said that our child can’t visit until she has no peanuts, she refuses to move them and says she could box some and he should not touch the ones outside. It’s now got to the point where he’s upset about not visiting and we’ll have to stop our other son from visiting as it seems unfair. AIBU? YABU we just mange it or YANBU are we right to keep the allergic son away!

It sounds like there is MH issues at play. We can't visit my sister because she is a hoarder. She is genuinely sad that she can't host her DNs and GDNs. In situations like this, though, I always think of the 12 year old who died on Christmas Day of a nut allergy. As soon as the Mother was told she phoned the GF who'd cooked dinner and asked 'what did you do to the food?'. She'd previously been LC with him. People who don't respect allergies need to accept the restrictions to their relative that will happen.

Awww she needs to grow out of that attitude.

She’s clearly made her choice OP. YANBU. He shouldn’t ever go there and it’s not fair sending one child and not the other.I’m a grown ass woman and I have coeliac, not an allergy (so bad reaction but not immediately deadly) and my friends, family and colleagues are all so considerate about it.

She’s unbelievable. Does she not care that if he accidentally ate one and you didn’t immediately see his reaction (one of you in the loo, maybe the other in another room with the baby, even if you’re careful to always be near him, this could happen) and her with her ‘eh, whatever’ attitude, he could die. The reason people do survive is with immediate medical attention.

That’s shocking.

He could pick up the proteins anywhere if she is not fastidious with the peanuts in her house.

I don’t think you can say it’s not a serious allergy it could become so at any point.

Kids with allergies have so many compromises :(

Does she really understand?

Tell her that every time you make a cup of tea or offer her biscuits how would she feel if there were a bottle of open bleach or rat poison on the table with her snacks. She just has to not touch them and it’s fine right?

she says he needs to grow out of the allergy hopefully.

You cannot ever leave your son alone with her. With this attitude, it is quite likely she will feed him peanuts the second you're not looking, as clearly she doesn't believe you and thinks you're over-reacting.

Her attitude is shocking and you're absolutely right to stick to your guns and stop sending your children over there.

The fact that she doesn't even seem to believe it's a genuine allergy means that if he did have a reaction under her watch, she wouldn't even know how to deal with it. So she can't be trusted.

A while ago I read a heartbreaking about a woman whose mother accidently killed her granddaughter by putting coconut oil in her hair at bedtime when she had her over at her home without mother's knowledge despite being told repeatedly that she had a severe allergy. When the little girl started to feel unwell, she didn't clock on that it was a reaction to the coconut and just left her to rest. The poor little girl must've been in so much pain as she passed away.

@HunkyPunk

Only a matter of time before he’s offered a snickers and no matter how careful you think the school are I can assure you they all swap and share food.

You wouldn’t be able to get a Snickers bar past the gates, in any of the Primary schools I’ve ever had anything to do with!

A girl i work with was happily telling me she just takes them out of the wrapper for her childs lunch box 🙄

She a selfish fool. Would it have to be a life or death allergy before she saw sense?! My little one is also allergic to nuts and no one in our family would behave like this, there's plenty of other things she can feed the wildlife. All of you keep away and if she wants to start putting you first she will. Your children will be upset but of you explain the truth it's the best way to help them understands, nana loves you and wants to see you but can't understand this allergy's situation properly so untill she does we can't go over. Ask her to do some allergy research or even speak to her own GP about it. Stupidity at its finest with people like this, I'd cut all ties I'd be so angry at someone behaving like this.

@HappyHen17 - I'm not sure why your doctor hasn't told you, but given the symptoms you describe, this is likely just a contact or two away from full anaphylaxis..

She can do what she likes, but YOU are quite right to keep him away.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? I know 3 families with extremely similar issues. Does the grandparent think that by forcing children into these situations, they'll be able to prove your just being precious?

There is no need whatsoever for her to have peanuts in her house or garden, she obviously doesn’t give a shit about her grandchild if she won’t do this.

He's allergic to peanuts. She leaves peanuts around her kitchen and on her lawn.
Your DS can never go to her house. Nor would I take his siblings. She can moan all she wants.

Peanut allergies at the level you describe tend to get worse over time not better. You don't want repeated exposures over time as that could result in it becoming anaphylactic level of allergy

We have peanut allergy in our family, similar level. No one has peanuts in their house at all. No peanut items are eaten in house nor eaten before visits. No one in our family who regularly see each other eats peanuts anymore. Would never put any on our lawn nor left around kitchen. Everything is meticulously to prevent cross Contamination. (It's easier not to have it around at all).

That's because we aren't monsters and don't want to see someone in painful itchy hives swollen lips feeling awful, when it's so easy to prevent that reaction. Your DM is a horrible selfish woman who I would keep DCs away from, since she cares so little for their health and life.

I don’t understand. Surely there are many options for the wildlife that don’t involve peanuts. It can’t be hard for her to just get something else. I’m guessing she’s just creating a rat problem really. Overall, she sounds a tad unbalanced.

What does your DH say about all of this?

Your son's allergy can get worse at any time and become life-threatening. My BIL has the same and as an adult has had a few reactions, each one more serious than the last. He cannot have nuts in the house full stop.

If she prefers birds to her grandson, leave her to it.

Also what does your DH say to his mother about her shitty attitude?

Every time she moans that you don't see her, repeat that all she has to do is to feed the sodding birds with something other than peanuts, and it is her decision not to that is keeping you away.

DH is beside himself, he has yelled and screamed, spoken calmly, explained yet still she won't budge. We have told he the no visits is her own doing but she says we should compromise by allowing the nuts in some capacity and we won't. Thanks everyone, after over a year I began to think we were being Unreasonable but you've made me feel better ❤️

YANBU. Allergies can get worse, and he could become seriously ill

That’s why when schools are aware they often ask that other kids dont have nuts in anything they bring in

As to his grandmother, what happens when she forgets to put the peanuts in the tin? What happens if he is playing in the garden, ignoring the nuts, but falls over into peanuts? Doesn’t she understand that touch can cause a allergic reaction

If she is not prepared to put her grandson first then she doesn’t deserve to have an6 contact with either of them and I would stop them going

Stick to your guns and just keep reminding her that this is her choice.

I would also stop your other DC from visiting so they can't cross-contaminate.

Only feed small quantities of peanuts at a time as if left for longer periods they can spoil and go mouldy which can cause respiratory infections in birds. As with all bird food make sure you clean up any mess under your bird feeders so you don’t attract rats and other.
When peanuts are growing and during storage, they are susceptible to mould, in particular the fungus Aspergillus Flavus, which grows between the skin and the kernel. The fungus releases a poisonous toxin called aflatoxin which is a carcinogen that is harmful to both humans and birds.
In birds the toxin can act quickly even at trace levels causing devastating side effects and eventually death. In the 1960s about 100,000 turkey poults died near London after eating peanut meal that was contaminated with aflatoxin.
You should always buy peanuts from a reputable bird food supplier and ensure they are guaranteed to be free from aflatoxin.
Store bird peanuts in a sealed container to prevent moisture getting in and keep them in a cool place. Throw away any peanuts that show signs of mould and thoroughly clean and dry the containers they are stored in before replacing with fresh food.
Fill your bird feeders with just enough peanuts that your garden birds will eat in a couple of days. And make sure you practise good hygiene by washing and disinfecting your feeders at least once a week.

Maybe she'll end up kill the birds with all the peanuts

YANBU at all. There is no way I’d allow my child in that house. Nut allergies have a horrible habit of getting worse as they get older, not better. She’s made her choice, she chooses her birds, over her grandson.

Huh?

He’s yelled and shouted and pleaded

And she still refuses to

Op is she even asking to see her GC becuae she doesn’t seem to give a hoot

I don't even believe that it's about any kind of birds. It would be so easy to simply swap to nut free bird food and she could still feed them, no problem.
As she keeps insisting on having nuts and saying DS needs to grow out of it, tells rather that she does not believe in allergies and is planning to test her theories.

I'd buy her a box with a well fitting lid for them to go in in the house, at 4 he won't pick them up from the garden. If she won't swap or keep them contained, then you have a problem.