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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and the grandchild allergy

136 replies

HappyHen17 · 27/01/2022 23:09

I’m sure I’m not being unreasonable but as this has been going on for over a year and is causing extensive stress, I thought I’d put it to the masses to ask AIBU? Our son has a peanut allergy, not a life or death one but an uncomfortable hives, swollen lips and itchy one if in contact, he is 4. My MIL loves to feed wild animals in her garden and feeds them peanuts that are all over the kitchen and garden. We have said that our child can’t visit until she has no peanuts, she refuses to move them and says she could box some and he should not touch the ones outside. It’s now got to the point where he’s upset about not visiting and we’ll have to stop our other son from visiting as it seems unfair. AIBU? YABU we just mange it or YANBU are we right to keep the allergic son away!

OP posts:
OnceuponaRainbow18 · 28/01/2022 11:45

I would meet her out somewhere like a playground, or ask her to store them in a garden shed and outside only- could be a compromise so they aren’t in the house?

Or, tell you you won’t go over and she can see the squirrels as much as she pleases

FeedMeSantiago · 28/01/2022 11:47

He's allergic to peanuts. She leaves peanuts around her kitchen and on her lawn.
Your DS can never go to her house. Nor would I take his siblings. She can moan all she wants.

This!

I wouldn't trust her to go anywhere near either DC without very strict supervision. The problem with allergy denial twats is that you can't trust them not to:

A) sneak the child an allergen to 'prove' they aren't allergic
B) to take care not to bring unsuitable foods etc. with them on a picnic for example
C) to react appropriately if the child does have an allergic reaction

Sadly I know this from experience of a school friend who has a lot of allergies and intolerances, including some common ones and some rarer ones and is frequently disbelieved.

Toanewstart22 · 28/01/2022 11:48

@HairyScaryMonster

I'd buy her a box with a well fitting lid for them to go in in the house, at 4 he won't pick them up from the garden. If she won't swap or keep them contained, then you have a problem.
Wtf

You’d do this for someone who doesn’t give a damn about your son’s allergy?

ButWhereDidTheWindComeFrom · 28/01/2022 11:49

@HappyHen17

Thanks everyone, sorry for the delay I have a poorly baby on my hands! Glad I'm not being unreasonable! She is fully aware of nut allergies and has been told in no uncertain terms by DH about the risks and that it has got worse in the last two years. She has been asked outright by our son why she has them and she says he needs to grow out of the allergy hopefully. She has them in open wicker baskets on the side and many fall out and on the floor-the house is untidy-they are all over the garden as they are for badgers too so they are low and high level. Our son is quite sensible and will always ask but as people say, you never know if an allergy may suddenly get worse which terrifies me. She seldom comes to ours-she makes no effort and moans we don't see her, her health/weight means park meeting is out of the question as she can't walk very far. It's so sad and frustrating, I cannot fathom how she chooses the and over him but she claims that they are her life. 🤬
i got as far as this before I had to comment.

She does not get to decide he has to grow out of his allergy. That is something for his bidy and his allergy specialist. very few children grow out of a peanut allergy. Mine is 12 and at the ages of 7 and 10 he had blood tests to see if he was a candidate for growing out of his peanut allergy as they can find out due to certain componets in the blood. he is never EVER going to be a candidate for growing out of his allergy. His allergy responses to his annual skin prick tests are not only getting mroe severe he is now showing he is allergic to other things- including of all things, water. Now try explaining to fuckwits out there that an actual allergy to WATER is a thing, and not made up. .

I would never allow my child to go anywhere near someone so fucking arrogant and disrespectful as your MIL. I am so so so sorry you have to deal with this.

KatharinaRosalie · 28/01/2022 11:49

@HairyScaryMonster

I'd buy her a box with a well fitting lid for them to go in in the house, at 4 he won't pick them up from the garden. If she won't swap or keep them contained, then you have a problem.
OP says that DS has a reaction if in contact. He would definitely be in contact when playing in the garden where there are peanuts scattered all over.
ButWhereDidTheWindComeFrom · 28/01/2022 11:51

I was so angry that my typos have become rather epic.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 28/01/2022 11:51

@KatharinaRosalie

Well they don’t have to go in garden

KatharinaRosalie · 28/01/2022 12:00

[quote OnceuponaRainbow18]@KatharinaRosalie

Well they don’t have to go in garden[/quote]
Sure they can also not touch anything in the house just in case there have been nut pieces scattered around or tracked in, but it's not very practical, if the much easier solution would be for MIL to buy nut-free bird food.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/01/2022 12:04

Your MIL has zero respect for you, her son or your children.

You need to stop your DC going to her house. Sounds gross anyway.

If she's too fat and lazy to come and visit or enjoy a trip to the park then that's her choice. You don't get to 'grow out' of an allergy like that. Is she an idiot? Or does she know better than thousands of qualified healthcare professionals?

Just tell her she is welcome to come to you but that your DC will no longer be going to hers. And stick to it.

MaudieandMe · 28/01/2022 12:05

Does she do Facebook/social media? Maybe ask if she's heard of Gransnet? You could tell her it's a great resource for grandparents etc.

If she posted about her grandson not being allowed to visit because of 'made up' allergies, she'd get her arse handed to her by folk of her own generation!

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2022 12:06

I have looked up what badgers eat. Instead of nuts, she could put out dog or cat food, veg like carrots, some cooked potato. I would advise her this as an option to replace all nuts. If she cannot, you have to stick to phone calls only. She can’t be trusted and is truly clueless.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2022 12:07

[quote OnceuponaRainbow18]@KatharinaRosalie

Well they don’t have to go in garden[/quote]
So where do they go? The house isn’t safe either.

Saskatcha · 28/01/2022 12:15

My daughter has a food allergy and my mil is an absolute pain with it. She dabbles with not saying able to eat the food either, then she eats it, then she bangs on constantly about giving DD things which may contain traces in it and saying that she’s done it with x it before by accident and DD didn’t react. She insists on ordering from the allergen menus in restaurants and then moaning that the food is dry. Then telling us how nice the allergen menu is wherever we’ve said that we won’t go as there is no separate preparation area. DD is a teenager now and doesn’t like seeing her grandmother anymore. Really sad but it’s a combination of attention seeking and trying to make us look like we are unreasonable all the time I reckon. We are many years in now and you have my sympathies!

Saskatcha · 28/01/2022 12:16

Saying she’s not able to eat that should say. So angry at the thought of the whole thing that my post was a nonsensically rant!

gogohm · 28/01/2022 12:18

If they are for the birds, does she have a shed to keep things in, then the compromise is she keeps them in a sealed tub there and refills it outside.

HikingforScenery · 28/01/2022 12:18

She’s made her choice about how she lives her life in her home. If you think it’s right for you to stop your other DS from vitiating, that’s your choice to make.

FourChimneys · 28/01/2022 12:20

I have some experience with this due to a similarly allergic child. Both sets of grandparents were scrupulous so their houses were safe. Such an easy thing to do to keep a child safe, and alive, given that allergies can worsen.

Original poster
HappyHen17 · 28/01/2022 12:21

Thanks everyone. She doesn't not believe in allergies, his milk allergy wasn't an issue but that had no impact on her-he's now grown out of that so maybe that's why she's hoping but it's been 2 and a half years now!!

OP posts:
LadyCleathStuart · 28/01/2022 12:22

OP my DS has a peanut allergy and you are right to be concerned as we were told by our consultant that repeated exposure can lead to more severe reactions.

When our DS was first diagnosed we had similar struggles with grandparents and had to keep DS away until they took it seriously, which they eventually did.

NorthSouthcatlady · 28/01/2022 12:24

She’s really out of order! I’m allergic to peanut and it can be life threading for some -as other people have said further exposures can worsen the response. Either she doesn’t think he’s allergic so you’re lying and / or exaggerating OR she doesn’t care. I would give her a wide berth and wouldn’t go to her house

LittleOwl153 · 28/01/2022 12:32

I would say no visits by any of your children to her house - and DH goes if he has to and makes a point of 'decontaminating' when he gets home.

You 4yr old should not be treated like this. His grandmother does not care about his health. Allergy kids already get enough of a hard time having to have separate food at parties etc and yet it is ok for is grandmother to blame him and not be prepared to consider keeping him safe?
I think you have to stop all kids going as she is just going to keep up the pressure for the 4yr old to go, and it will inevitably cause issues between the kids as they get older. Stop it now - let her choose the level of interation with the kids in other places - and let this become normal. Granny's house isn't safe as all the kids need to know.

Holly60 · 28/01/2022 12:39

I personally think the biggest issue is the fact that your MIL thinks so little of the wellbeing of your child. If we had a similar scenario in my family, my DS or DD would only have to say ‘mum DGC has been diagnosed with a peanut allergy’ and peanuts would be forever banished from my home.

Yes DGC would need to be taught to avoid peanuts when out and about but my home would be a peanut free zone.

My children and their partners can trust that I follow their wishes to the letter whenever I look after their children. This is how it should be.

Honeyroar · 28/01/2022 12:41

She sounds like an ignorant old bat who thinks she knows better than everyone else! There is no compromise on something like this. She can either start taking this seriously or not see her grandkids. It’s 100% her choice. Perhaps take her out with them once a fortnight? To a park or café. Neutral ground, or bring her back to your house?

2020nymph · 28/01/2022 12:45

@HunkyPunk

Only a matter of time before he’s offered a snickers and no matter how careful you think the school are I can assure you they all swap and share food.

You wouldn’t be able to get a Snickers bar past the gates, in any of the Primary schools I’ve ever had anything to do with!

Preschool and both primary schools had a strict no nuts policy. It was enforced too.

hollyivysaurus · 28/01/2022 12:47

YANBU! My child is allergic and MIL had the allergen at a buffet once having forgot. I was really cross but we were scrupulous in making sure no one mixed spoons or anything - she has never, ever done that again though! I wouldn’t allow my child to visit in the circumstances you’ve described.