MIL and the grandchild allergy

[HappyHen17]

I’m sure I’m not being unreasonable but as this has been going on for over a year and is causing extensive stress, I thought I’d put it to the masses to ask AIBU? Our son has a peanut allergy, not a life or death one but an uncomfortable hives, swollen lips and itchy one if in contact, he is 4. My MIL loves to feed wild animals in her garden and feeds them peanuts that are all over the kitchen and garden. We have said that our child can’t visit until she has no peanuts, she refuses to move them and says she could box some and he should not touch the ones outside. It’s now got to the point where he’s upset about not visiting and we’ll have to stop our other son from visiting as it seems unfair. AIBU? YABU we just mange it or YANBU are we right to keep the allergic son away!

My birds prefer suet mealworm pellets, peanuts aren't essential

Haven't RTFT OP but please be aware that any IGE allergy (and his signs are IGE) can cause Anaphylaxis and be life threatening. This is true even if previous reactions have been mild. If he doesn't have epi pens, I'd be demanding them and he should always carry 2.

YANBU about the peanuts, it's ridiculous she's putting him at risk like that.

Im sorry she is ridiculous. I have a teenage nephew with the allergy to peanuts. I have one cupboard he's not allowed in. And when he is coming over I make sure no one has had any nuts out and even so I wipe everything done before. I cannot imagine being unwilling to help a 4 year old grandchild!

Your son’s allergy could get worse. Allergic reaction is horrible, as you say.
A child’s health and safety takes priority over birds. There must be lots of peanut free bird foods available.

@nocoolnamesleft

Nut allergies have an annoying tendency to get worse with repeated exposure. And 4 is too young to reliably not touch stuff. So you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

My DS1 who is now 18 has multiple nut allergies, his presented as hives when he was younger and quite quickly progressed into him going into anaphylactic shock after exposure at an after-school cooking club when he was in Y3. The school swore blind no nuts were in the kitchen, but a parent helper quietly informed me that the kitchen was not a nut-free environment. In hospital the Doctor explained that reactions get progressively worse, so you really need to be careful.

The problem with allergies is that often parents whose children are allergy free sometimes do not understand the seriousness. I never stopped DS from going to friends parties, but it was always stressful for me making sure to check everything he ate. Kids are so resilient, he understood his allergy from quite a young age and he knew not to eat anything he was given without checking with us first. He didn’t even complain when I asked his teachers to not allow him chocolates or sweets bought in by other students. But it is a lifelong issue and even now it breaks my heart to see him analysing the ingredients list of everything he eats.

So OP, the only one being unreasonable here is your MIL, even if she puts the nuts away traces will remain. My son can always tell is there are nuts in a room, he doesn’t have a severe reaction but enough of one to make him uncomfortable. Keep your son well away, it’s not worth the risk.

@LuckyWithMyLot

Haven't RTFT OP but please be aware that any IGE allergy (and his signs are IGE) can cause Anaphylaxis and be life threatening. This is true even if previous reactions have been mild. If he doesn't have epi pens, I'd be demanding them and he should always carry 2.

YANBU about the peanuts, it's ridiculous she's putting him at risk like that.

You don't have to demand EpiPens. You can just ask for them.

You don't have to demand EpiPens. You can just ask for them.

Sometimes you have to demand them. Our consultant wrote a letter to our GP asking him to make the prescriprion and the GP refused as in his non-expert opinion DS didn't need them! They wouldn't listen to us so we had to call the hospital and a stern call from the allergy clinic soon put an end to that but this was the same GP who, when I told him during an appointment that DS had allergies scoffed 'oh for goodness sake who told you that?'.

Em well the reaction was what first gave it away followed by confirmed testing at the hospital allergy clinic!

@Peoniesandpeaches

Can’t say I would want someone who gives that little of a crap about my child’s welfare around them.

Yup. She's chosen birds over her own grandchild, the weirdo. She doesn't get to see him imo. Who knows if the next reaction could be a really bad one?

I'm sorry OP I can't imagine how stressful this is. Your MIL is basically refusing to make a very small adjustment to her life in order to keep your son safe. I would not let him visit and would make the reason crystal clear.

@furblesocks Sadly, sometimes it is about making a fuss. Our NHS allergist didn't prescribe epi pens despite my son having 14 IGE allergies (including nuts, dairy and sesame). We had to go private and, only then after a prescription, would the NHS provide the epi pens.

Many parents assume their children don't need epi pens just because they haven't been prescribed by the NHS.

The problem with allergies is that often parents whose children are allergy free sometimes do not understand the seriousness

This is very true. I've literally had conversations: 'Oh no, there are absolutely no nuts in those cakes. Well, peanuts in this and almonds in that.'