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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and the grandchild allergy

136 replies

HappyHen17 · 27/01/2022 23:09

I’m sure I’m not being unreasonable but as this has been going on for over a year and is causing extensive stress, I thought I’d put it to the masses to ask AIBU? Our son has a peanut allergy, not a life or death one but an uncomfortable hives, swollen lips and itchy one if in contact, he is 4. My MIL loves to feed wild animals in her garden and feeds them peanuts that are all over the kitchen and garden. We have said that our child can’t visit until she has no peanuts, she refuses to move them and says she could box some and he should not touch the ones outside. It’s now got to the point where he’s upset about not visiting and we’ll have to stop our other son from visiting as it seems unfair. AIBU? YABU we just mange it or YANBU are we right to keep the allergic son away!

OP posts:
marpelier · 28/01/2022 08:26

I've never had a child at a primary school that banned nuts. Only pre-school. Is that common?

marpelier · 28/01/2022 08:27

I didn;t understand the kitchen counter bit either - why is it strewn with peanuts? Seems odd

Toanewstart22 · 28/01/2022 08:27

I can’t get my head around this

No brainer

Your MIL has proved that she really isn’t all that bothered about seeing her grandchildren

So that’s the long and short of it. Move on. Stake in the ground

decemberrainydays · 28/01/2022 08:29

@marpelier

I've never had a child at a primary school that banned nuts. Only pre-school. Is that common?
My kids' primary school and high school both ban all nuts. The primary school also bans sesame. I assume it's pretty much universal due to how common but allergies are and how dangerous they are.

I think his grandmother is a safeguarding risk to your children - she is actively doing something she has been told is potentially life threatening to him. How else can you interpret that?

Alldressedup · 28/01/2022 08:30

I agree with a PP that this seems to be her saying she doesn’t ‘believe’ in the allergy and is making her point in this passive aggressive manner.
I get this from my in-laws about all the ‘new’ diagnoses now and how there weren’t any of these things in their day. This includes mental health issues, autism, adhd etc. Er no, there weren’t as many because they were either put away in an institution or they were dead!

Ponoka7 · 28/01/2022 08:30

It's easy enough to keep the peanuts contained inside and then he doesn't touch the ones in the garden. My GD is a young four, but would be able to follow that. A lot of places, including her school has mushrooms growing and the children know not to touch them. Her compromise is a good one, but I agree that she could easily not use peanuts, or only up high if for squirrels.
Our whole family have gone milk free when my GC who can't have milk is around, as a show if solidarity. It's what you do.

decemberrainydays · 28/01/2022 08:31

NUT allergies, not but allergies 🤣

BreatheAndFocus · 28/01/2022 08:32

She either doesn’t understand allergies, doesn’t believe in them - or can’t be arsed to put herself out for her own grandchild. I wouldn’t discuss it. I’d explain, and then if she refused to comply or show any concern, I simply wouldn’t visit.

Your DC could meet her elsewhere, but I’d always be watching to make sure she didn’t slip some peanuts in somewhere to prove a point. Her reaction is just weird.

LumosSolem · 28/01/2022 08:37

I cannot imagine being so disrespectful of anyone to not comply with very simple as reasonable requests to protect their health- I wouldn't be so disrespectful to a complete stranger never mind my own child/grandchild.

Because that's what it is, complete disrespect and disregard for his welfare. I really wouldn't want anything to do with her OP, she sounds really unpleasant.

MooSakah · 28/01/2022 08:41

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Yanbu. If it was an essential activity for her to be around peanuts (say it was the only food she could eat or making something peanut related was her only source of income) then maybe you could compromise. But it's such a minor easy thing for her to change, its completely bizarre she is digging her heels in and prioritising something that could harm her grandchild over seeing him
I agree with this. It's presumably not essential for her to have peanuts in the house.
Totalwasteofpaper · 28/01/2022 08:43

@RB68

you shouldn't put peanits in bird food anyway as they contain vitK and if you have RATS it acts as an antidote to the poisons

She is being ridiculous - its perfectly possible to buy mixes with no peanuts. FFS she is prioritising the birds over her grandchild.

With allergies the more contact the worse they get too till one day its epipen territory and A&E visits

Yep

Buy no peanut mix bird food.

Unless she is the president of a peanut butter company she doesn't need peanut in her house.

Meet her in a cafe if you must but don't go to the house.

forlornlorna · 28/01/2022 08:48

Op I'd be livid with my mil if she was as flippant as this!!!!

My dd has a severe nut allergy. Like your child at first it was hives and itching. Until one day she was kissed by her dsis who'd eaten a cereal bar. And she ended up in anaphylactic shock. She's now contact allergic so can't even touch a nut.We carry epi pens everywhere. You have no idea how each exposure will pan out.

At primary they had bird feeders with nuts. My dd knows not to touch nuts. What she didn't realise is the nuts that fall on the flour and then get trampled on, I knew nothing of the bird feeders. This didn't end well.

I just can't get my head around your mil behaviour. Basically she's saying feeding the bloody birds is more important than her grandchild!!!

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/01/2022 08:48

I wouldn't even bother meeting her outside the house tbh because she sounds like a dick.

You also sound way too accommodating as you are still sending the other child which understandably makes your 4 year old upset they feel they are being penalised and punished.
Neither child would be going and your DH needs to tell her this and get involved. It's his mother and his child.

Chocolateis1ofyour5aday · 28/01/2022 08:50

If you've pointed out to her that her grandson has a peanut allergy and she's not prepared to keep him safe and accommodate "no nut rule" in her house then the consequence is that you won't visit and she can only come to you or meet somewhere else. Sounds like she doesn't "believe" in allergies? My SIL was like this until an episode of impressive projectile vomiting on her new carpet by my DS with a dairy allergy Hmm

EmpressSuiko · 28/01/2022 08:59

You are not being unreasonable, nut and peanut allergies can get worse, I now need epi pens as exposure can kill me, you need to keep your child safe and she needs to understand the serious implications of having nuts in her house.
My parents refuse to buy nuts now as they want to keep me safe and I don’t keep any in my own house.

HotPenguin · 28/01/2022 09:08

YANBU but you shouldn't send your other child there either imo as it isn't fair on the one with an allergy to miss out. Does your MIL understand how serious this is? Don't take risks with a peanut allergy.

busyeatingbiscuits · 28/01/2022 09:18

Sounds like MIL is really going out of her way to find bird food that has peanuts in it and to leave it all lying around?

What's the backstory? Does she not believe in allergies? Does she think she can expose your DS to peanuts and "prove" that you're making it up/exaggerating?

Whatever the reason, she's choosing to make her home too risky for your DS to visit, so I wouldn't be going there at all.

Sneezesthrice · 28/01/2022 09:22

Have you explained to her that it can happen with each exposure and reaction he increases his risk of a full anaphylactic reaction?

It’s a weird dominance flex from her. She’s so concerned with ‘my house my rules’ she is happy to see your child in pain and discomfort with hives etc.

I’m a grandparent and if one of my grandsons had a reaction to nuts of any kind that was unpleasant, I’d have no issue not using them in the bird feeders, because I love my grandsons and I want the best for them.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 28/01/2022 09:23

When you say laying around all over the place what do you actually mean? It would be odd to have loose peanuts scattered around the kitchen, if they're in a tub in a cupboard surely that's ok? It's cold enough not to go in the garden either. Maybe he could give her a gift of some bird food they can use together?

PicaK · 28/01/2022 09:29

She is refusing to accommodate as she is in a battle about control with you.
Stupid woman.
Your DH needs to take the lead.
Buy a massive sack of sunflower seeds.
Deliver them with the message about no peanuts or no visits.
If you make it clear that you realise you are asking her to change something in her home. And that you're genuinely sorry to have to do that. But that for health reasons you need to prioritise your son.
I mean there is a big difference there to saying do that, do this. Which did you go for.

Original poster
HappyHen17 · 28/01/2022 09:36

Thanks everyone, sorry for the delay I have a poorly baby on my hands! Glad I'm not being unreasonable! She is fully aware of nut allergies and has been told in no uncertain terms by DH about the risks and that it has got worse in the last two years. She has been asked outright by our son why she has them and she says he needs to grow out of the allergy hopefully. She has them in open wicker baskets on the side and many fall out and on the floor-the house is untidy-they are all over the garden as they are for badgers too so they are low and high level. Our son is quite sensible and will always ask but as people say, you never know if an allergy may suddenly get worse which terrifies me. She seldom comes to ours-she makes no effort and moans we don't see her, her health/weight means park meeting is out of the question as she can't walk very far. It's so sad and frustrating, I cannot fathom how she chooses the and over him but she claims that they are her life. 🤬

OP posts:
WetLookKnitwear · 28/01/2022 09:40

That’s it then. She doesn’t really believe in allergies and she’d rather feed the rats than see the QC… let her crack on.

WetLookKnitwear · 28/01/2022 09:40

GC not QC. Hi autocorrect.

wonderstuff · 28/01/2022 09:41

My father developed what seemed a non serious allergy, on his third exposure he died of anaphylactis. Allergy deaths are incredibly rare, and he was terribly unlucky, but they need to be taken seriously as repeated exposure can lead to more serious reactions. YANBU at all and MiL is being an arse.

Clymene · 28/01/2022 09:43

I'm sorry, that must be very hurtful but I think she sounds like she has mental health issues. I think you're absolutely right not to take your children round there. And I would stop visiting altogether. Don't make your child with an allergy feel like he's being punished

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