MIL and the grandchild allergy

[HappyHen17]

I’m sure I’m not being unreasonable but as this has been going on for over a year and is causing extensive stress, I thought I’d put it to the masses to ask AIBU? Our son has a peanut allergy, not a life or death one but an uncomfortable hives, swollen lips and itchy one if in contact, he is 4. My MIL loves to feed wild animals in her garden and feeds them peanuts that are all over the kitchen and garden. We have said that our child can’t visit until she has no peanuts, she refuses to move them and says she could box some and he should not touch the ones outside. It’s now got to the point where he’s upset about not visiting and we’ll have to stop our other son from visiting as it seems unfair. AIBU? YABU we just mange it or YANBU are we right to keep the allergic son away!

Just to clarify it is possible to grow out of allergies, three family members including myself have, two were very serious but I have also developed new allergies in my 30s.

As a mum with a child with a serious peanut allergy this has made me really annoyed. How dare she be so rude, you just can't take risks with peanuts, what if one day your sons allergy suddenly worsened as allergies can? I'd be refusing access until the peanuts were out of the house. Xx

My father's allergy he developed when he was 63 - he died of it aged 64 - super rare - and he had other health issues - very few people die of allergies each year, but if we didn't take them seriously it could be more.

Keep him away until she can learn to behave herself and even then I wouldn't trust her.

My ex partner's mother didn't believe in allergies and used to feed ds food with nut warnings on - as did his father - and he ended up in hospital.

It's not worth the risk. Some people are too stupid to comprehend how allergies work and the steps you need to take to avoid the allergen.

@nocoolnamesleft

Nut allergies have an annoying tendency to get worse with repeated exposure. And 4 is too young to reliably not touch stuff. So you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

this. Its very sad but if you can't trust her then he can't visit.

Bit of a drip feed there OP by stating she hoped he grew out of it and only explaining posts later that he has already grown out of one allergy.

I wouldn't risk visiting however you need to teach your son the dangers of his allergy as well - and explain why he cannot visit - because their are peanuts in the house.

Just meet her elsewhere if you want to.

She sounds like an arsehole.
My son is 2 and has an anaphylactic egg allergy; any family who will look after him are given a training epi pen to practice with in case he inadvertently comes into contact with any egg. No one cooks or eats anything with egg in around him and I prepare and send all of his snacks and meals wherever he goes.
None of our family have any issue with this and if they want to give him any other foods, they always text to check first. Happily, they value his life over having eggs for a few hours - his allergy has only gotten worse since the first bout of anaphylaxis 18 months ago, so no one would ever take a chance around him. It's really not worth the risk when it comes to children and allergies, I'd keep him away.

OP just seen your updates and she's effectively made the decision to keep the wild garden visitors over protecting her grandson. So be it but she'd be getting an earful if she dares to complain about not seeing her son and grandson!

@RockerTheQuokka l don’t think it’s really a drip feed as it’s a different allergy. I have never grown out of my peanut allergy. But l did grow out of my orange, avocado and dairy allergy. In contrast my stoned fruit allergy only started about 10 years ago. It’s not possible to say if he will grow out of it or even if it might go away then come back

I’m not sure of your MIL’s age, education experience etc but many do not grasp the potential dangers of such an allergy.

It’s passed them by, allergies like this ‘didn’t exist’ when they brought their children up.

In your shoes I’d be very very cautious about visits - possibly looking for alternative places.

Perhaps start talking to her about epi pens, how to respond etc. That you don’t want exposure in case of an attack/allergies getting worse.

All the best with this.

I can empathise.
My teenage DS has multiple food allergies of varying severity and some of our relations "don't believe" in them, so we've had a few issues over the years.
It sounds like your MIL might have a similar problem in understanding the situation as my relative actually. My DS has non IgE mediated allergies to egg and dairy but things have improved as he has grown up and he can tolerate small amounts if cooked. So we aren't anywhere near as obsessive about checking for those these days - a biscuit with a bit of skimmed milk powder in won't do any harm once in a while. However, he is anaphylactic to tree nuts and some legumes including peanuts. Our relatives just can't grasp the difference so I have had to resort to making DS treat all his allergies equally at their house and he refuses anything with any milk or egg in too. It's unfair on him really, but it is safe, as they can't understand the difference.
It sounds like your MIL is the same and can't understand how your DS has outgrown one allergy and is unlikely to outgrow another. Until you said that I was thinking you were being a bit unfair, as there are possibly other ways to handle the situation. But it almost sounds like she is actively trying to expose your DS to peanuts as she thinks it will "cure" his allergy. If that is indeed the case, I don't think you have any alternative other than to refuse to visit. I hope she sees sense eventually. We've made some progress with our relatives over tge years but I still don't think they realky "get it".

@NorthSouthcatlady Well I think it is - the older generation don't know much about allergies as they simply weren't as prevalent some years ago.

If a child has grown out of one, it may easily be assumed (as it sounds like the MIL has done) they will grow out of the other.

Regardless OP needs to keep child safe and start teaching him the dangers of peanuts to him.

@RockerTheQuokka l disagree. I’m in my 40’s, my mum in her 70’s knows and my grandmother knew (she’s now dead but if she wasn’t, then she would be over 100 years old). Assumptions shouldn’t be made about potentially life threatening reactions to things

@NorthSouthcatlady You disagree with the scientific fact that the prevalence of allergies has increased?

www.narf.org.uk/the-allergy-explosion

My adult son has had severe peanut allergy since he was 1. It commonly gets more severe over time. Since age 7, he's sensitive to airborne peanut . He doesn't need to eat or touch a peanut; just being in the same room triggers the reaction.

Please, please don't let DS inside MIL's house full of dropped peanuts, peanut dust etc.. IF his airway closes she is the last person to recognise it or know what to do. I would not let either boy visit MIL's house at all. If she wants to see them, she must come to you.

In my son's childhood, it was a continual struggle impressing the risk on other adults who hadn't a clue about peanut allergy. You just have to be really hardnosed about it and put your foot down.

I would not let either boy to MIL's house. If she wants to see them, she must come to you.

You have to get tough and be an advocate for your child. My son is anaphylactic to dairy and that includes contact. Anyone coming into my hands is sent to the bathroom to wash their hands, and noone was allowed to kiss my child, except to drop a kiss on the top of the head. We do what we can to keep our children safe. You have to develop a thick skin to cope with people who refuse to understand the situation and put appropriate boundaries in place. No visits to her house, and if she comes to yours I would make sure she at least washes he hands before interacting with your child. Yes, your child will have to learn not to accept food that he doesn't know the ingredients of, he will have to learn to read ingredients lists for any trace of his allergen, he will have to learn quickly to keep himself safe, and if it comes to it, he will have to learn to carry his own medication one day-but you are the gatekeeper at the moment, and it is perfectly fine to go full on mama bear! 🌺 For you-you got this!

We carried epi pens after our toddler DS had a reaction to peanut butter. He undertook a peanut challenge at around five and whilst still allergic we knew traces would not kill him and it was a big relief all round.
Anyway - the point I wanted to make (like others on here) was to all those people who think that the child needs to get used to them being around, or to those parents who moan about nut free school rules.
We had relatives who pushed back too. They couldn't seem to understand that having peanuts in the house was comparable to us to there being sharp knives, machetes or loaded guns lying around. But he's got to learn for himself not to touch them! Er... No!
Twats.

I think there is a generation that don’t appreciate the implications of allergies- stick to your guns!

My DM struggled to accept that DC couldn’t have nut products in lunch boxes ( my DC love nuts) - my answer is I’m relieved I don’t have to deal with the allergies, so can keep the nuts for home!

She's an idiot. If one of my dgc had a peanut allergy I wouldn't have peanuts in the house again. And don't let your other dc visit either

She’s being unreasonable - would she rather not see her grandchild or worse see them suffer as she won’t change the wild bird food? Her loss

I find this so bizarre because neither badgers nor birds NEED peanuts. As others have said you can easily get peanut free bird food. Such a minor compromise required on your MIL’s part!

Can I just add that epi pens are in no way an easy fix, and only hold you together until you get to hospital, and you actually have to "recover" from using an epi pen.

It is a huge assault on the body.

Lots of people can be lulled into a false sense of security by having one to hand (I mean friends and relatives, not close family). They think they can push it, and if the worst happens, they just give the shot.

I would not leave this grandmother in charge of an epi pen.

Well I think it is - the older generation don't know much about allergies as they simply weren't as prevalent some years ago.

True and not true. When I was a child several decades ago, there was a significant number of children who died because they ‘choked on a peanut’. Everyone knew you had to be careful with peanuts and kids but it wasn’t appreciated that it was an allergy. What we now know is an anaphylactic reaction, back then was ‘choking on a peanut’ and was pretty common. I don’t think there would be many people in my generation that didn’t directly know a child who died. Medicine wasn’t great then tbh. Weirdly, even though it was common for kids to ‘choke on a peanut’ everyone still had them. I also can’t recall a gathering in my youth where there were not peanuts but they were ‘adults only food’.

I do think it’s correct that allergies in general are more prevalent now though. I recall at my kids birthday parties, it was rare that a kid didn’t have an allergy to something, it had seemed to become the norm rather than the exception. That’s not just going off one kid but several, over different schools etc.

My DSis has a similar allergy (not anaphylaxis) and at 45 she still has it. No worse but no better. And it's real! She accidentally had a mouthful of a dish with peanuts in 2 years ago and reacted as your DS does. I would be avoiding anyone who doesn't 'believe' in allergies if my child had an allergy like yours.

[quote RockerTheQuokka]Bit of a drip feed there OP by stating she hoped he grew out of it and only explaining posts later that he has already grown out of one allergy.

I wouldn't risk visiting however you need to teach your son the dangers of his allergy as well - and explain why he cannot visit - because their are peanuts in the house.

Just meet her elsewhere if you want to.