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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding in a popular coffeeshop

344 replies

Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 17:34

Ok - so I am entirely prepared to be told IBU and precious. Don't hold back - be my sounding board please MN. I've recently complained to a popular coffeeshop about this incident but I wanted to check here what others think.

I have a ebf five month old baby and a toddler under 2. I tend to spend all day out and about as it's just so much easier than being couped up in the house. Recently I was in a shopping centre - toddler ds was asleep in the pram and baby dd was in the sling and was making it known quite clearly that she needed fed. I was near a popular coffeeshop, which had two tables available - other cafes were all full. As I got in the queue others joined behind me and bagged the free tables - one man put his coat and bag on one and the other had her husband go and sit there. I accept that I could have turned around and spoken to them but this felt a bit confrontational and felt awkward.

When I got to the barista I explained the situation and said I needed to feed my baby and that was really the only reason I was buying a coffee - essentially to 'purchase' a table. The man apologised politely and said there was nothing he could do but I could get a takeaway coffee and sit on a bench. I know many new mums find feeding in public a hugely anxiety inducing issue and I totally understand why. It's extremely stressful having a baby scream at you while you try to latch in a discrete way.

As luck would have it, someone finished up at this point and left - so I did have a table. However, surely it's not just bf mothers inconvenienced by this kind of dog eat dog system where first come first served is not abided by? Those with mobility issues must find it similarly stressful when people behind them rudely nab a table and avoid eye contact with those ahead in the queue.

The coffeeshop in question responded to my message with a token of goodwill of 3 free coffees. So... aibu? Could they have handled this better? Should I pursue it further? Or is three free coffees a sufficient response to this issue?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 27/01/2022 18:29

There is no harm at all in bagging a table before getting the drinks if you possibly can.

If I am in a coffee shop with my DDs or with DH the one of us will get a table and one will head off and get the coffees. Nothing wrong with it at all. Obviously if I am on my own then I may have to take my chances.

I know that having very young children with you does make things a bit more challenging, but it doesn't make you any more entitled to a table than any other paying customers. The fact that you are breastfeeding is irrelevant.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2022 18:30

You made breastfeeding an issue by putting it as the title and trying to get the coffee shop to give you a table because you needed to do it.

TrashyPanda · 27/01/2022 18:30

@Caramelnipple

I do think quite a few pp have misunderstood though - I didn't expect anyone to give up their table. I expected people to respect the fact that those ahead in the queue should have priority wrt tables.

And I've worked in hospitality - I would certainly have politely explained the situation to someone plonked at a table without buying anything.

And what would you have said if that person told you they were in end stage heart failure, so they weren’t moving? And then when you went to the person at the next table, they explained they had COPD.

Your expectations are out of line with how customers use coffee shops. Have you really never noticed this before? It’s completely the norm.

FTEngineerM · 27/01/2022 18:30

@Caramelnipple

My point is I was on my own and couldn't go nab a seat - it's hardly first come first served. I just think it's very rude to go grab a table when someone ahead of you quite clearly needs one.
How was it clear you needed a table?

Were you announcing to everyone that you must sit down with your two babies?

Was your 5 month old eloquently saying ‘oh mummy I would really enjoy a sippett of the titty’?

Obviously not..

EarringsandLipstick · 27/01/2022 18:31

@DysmalRadius

I don't think anyone has misunderstood you - they just don't agree that bagging a table is a problem in this scenario for a variety of reasons.
Some of us get it.

I think bagging a table if you're on your own & then queuing up is really cheeky.

I think the people doing it were acting selfishly.

However, I don't think OP or the cafe can reasonably do anything about it. It's just bad manners, they haven't broken the law

EarringsandLipstick · 27/01/2022 18:33

Sorry I realised I missed this

the other had her husband go and sit there

There's nothing wrong with this. The bagging the table if you're alone, I agree isn't on.

Allsorts1 · 27/01/2022 18:33

I think you’re lucky to have got three free coffees - they obviously have lovely customer service. So many coffee shops are mostly takeaway anyway - if it’s two people usually one of you would go and sit to save the table and the other goes and queues. If you’re one person and there is a shortage of tables, you sit down and claim the table - leave a few non valuables and then pop up to get coffee. This is just cafe strategy and not in my opinion “queue jumping”.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/01/2022 18:34

If you’re one person and there is a shortage of tables, you sit down and claim the table - leave a few non valuables and then pop up to get coffee. This is just cafe strategy and not in my opinion “queue jumping”.

That's incredibly cheeky.

Original poster
Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 18:34

Thanks @EarringsandLipstick. I actually laughed at @MajorCarolDanvers' comment. I certainly don't generally have a reputation for being a cf. Or a princess for that matter!

OP posts:
Allsorts1 · 27/01/2022 18:34

@EarringsandLipstick why is it cheeky when you’re on your own but not cheeky if there are two of you and one of you sits and the other queues? It’s the exact same thing? Why should someone on their own in a cafe be disadvantaged over two people in a cafe…

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/01/2022 18:35

I'm one of those people you see getting a table while my husband is in the queue. Busy places make me so anxious I avoid the queue whenever possible. What I want you to realise is that people get down before they order for many legitimate reasons. I can't believe you used this to get free coffee.

LightSpeeds · 27/01/2022 18:35

...one man put his coat and bag on one...

You should do this to secure a table...

StellaGibs · 27/01/2022 18:35

Ive got second hand embarrassment that you complained & they gave you freebies. Ridiculous. You can feed anywhere, you just chose not to. 🤷🏻‍♀️
I have been in the same predicament many a time but it didnt entitle me to anything. I would have fed them on a bench outside with a takeaway cup as suggested.

Original poster
Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 18:36

@EarringsandLipstick - so it's not ok to reserve a table if you're alone?

OP posts:
Cerridwen83 · 27/01/2022 18:37

How was it "clear" that you needed a table? For all they knew you were getting a takeaway coffee.

Xmasbaby11 · 27/01/2022 18:38

Honestly, being out all day with a toddler and a baby who bf on demand .. that is really, really hard! So I do really feel for you, but unfortunately this is going to happen if you are in a busy area. You really need to have a mental list of where you can duck into to feed if necessary. Or else try to get the baby in a routine so you give yourself time to set up somewhere before the feed.

I had a 2y age gap and when I was out with both of them, we went to quieter spacious cafes eg John Lewis. We did go out a lot and I more or less imposed a routine on her, fed her when I could, so I got ready before she demanded a feed. She was ff which may be easier for getting a routine, but I would have to faff around preparing and warming the bottle.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/01/2022 18:38

[quote Allsorts1]@EarringsandLipstick why is it cheeky when you’re on your own but not cheeky if there are two of you and one of you sits and the other queues? It’s the exact same thing? Why should someone on their own in a cafe be disadvantaged over two people in a cafe…[/quote]
Because it's just the way it is.

If you are on your own, you need to get your own drinks obviously then wait

Two people can decide who's going to queue and who sits.

SlashBeef · 27/01/2022 18:38

YABU and I get kinda pissed off when mothers act like this because it just reinforces some people's idea that breastfeeding mums are entitled and think highly of themselves. Gives us all a bad name.
You were no more in need than anyone else. You can feed your baby anywhere.

Cheekypeach · 27/01/2022 18:38

I think ‘bagging’ a table before even buying the coffee is bad manners as well OP. That’s the crux of the issue but I don’t think you’ve done yourself any favours by dragging breastfeeding into it, which always makes people roll their eyes.
You should’ve just done a ‘AIBU to say bagging tables before even buying a drink is out of order’ thread. I reckon you would’ve got better feedback.

justustwoandmoo · 27/01/2022 18:40

@Caramelnipple

My point is I was on my own and couldn't go nab a seat - it's hardly first come first served. I just think it's very rude to go grab a table when someone ahead of you quite clearly needs one.
I agree with you on this point. It is frustrating when people grab the tables but it's kinda the done thing I guess.

I think other posters assume you meant that you should have the table simply because you were breastfeeding. That wouldn't be fair.

Wendybyrdesmissingconscience · 27/01/2022 18:41

Sorry but breast feeding your baby doesn’t trump anyone else’s needs. How do you not know the couple who bagged the table may have been disabled, been tired, feeling unwell etc etc.

Thankfully 96% of poster agree you’re being unreasonable (and quite frankly entitled and ridiculous ).

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 27/01/2022 18:41

Table baggers are rude as rule but you didn’t have any more right to a seat because you were planning to breastfeed, than any other paying customer.

Puffflashpuffflashbang · 27/01/2022 18:42

Take it further?? How?? What on earth would you say? The barista wouldn't get me a table because they were full. You have no complaint. I can't believe they have given you free coffee Confused

EarringsandLipstick · 27/01/2022 18:42

[quote Caramelnipple]@EarringsandLipstick - so it's not ok to reserve a table if you're alone?[/quote]
That's my take on it! I think we are in the minority on this here though 😂

1AngelicFruitCake · 27/01/2022 18:43

I had a newborn and young toddler and would go out on my own but I knew it was a risk because I had no one to help me.
People are in their own world and wouldn’t be checking who needs a table.trouble is if they did that someone else would take it.
I think you need to accept there are drawbacks of going out on your own and it’s about thinking of ways around it or accepting it’s a challenge!