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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Breastfeeding in a popular coffeeshop

344 replies

Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 17:34

Ok - so I am entirely prepared to be told IBU and precious. Don't hold back - be my sounding board please MN. I've recently complained to a popular coffeeshop about this incident but I wanted to check here what others think.

I have a ebf five month old baby and a toddler under 2. I tend to spend all day out and about as it's just so much easier than being couped up in the house. Recently I was in a shopping centre - toddler ds was asleep in the pram and baby dd was in the sling and was making it known quite clearly that she needed fed. I was near a popular coffeeshop, which had two tables available - other cafes were all full. As I got in the queue others joined behind me and bagged the free tables - one man put his coat and bag on one and the other had her husband go and sit there. I accept that I could have turned around and spoken to them but this felt a bit confrontational and felt awkward.

When I got to the barista I explained the situation and said I needed to feed my baby and that was really the only reason I was buying a coffee - essentially to 'purchase' a table. The man apologised politely and said there was nothing he could do but I could get a takeaway coffee and sit on a bench. I know many new mums find feeding in public a hugely anxiety inducing issue and I totally understand why. It's extremely stressful having a baby scream at you while you try to latch in a discrete way.

As luck would have it, someone finished up at this point and left - so I did have a table. However, surely it's not just bf mothers inconvenienced by this kind of dog eat dog system where first come first served is not abided by? Those with mobility issues must find it similarly stressful when people behind them rudely nab a table and avoid eye contact with those ahead in the queue.

The coffeeshop in question responded to my message with a token of goodwill of 3 free coffees. So... aibu? Could they have handled this better? Should I pursue it further? Or is three free coffees a sufficient response to this issue?

OP posts:

Heyahun · 28/01/2022 10:30

tbh I would have just sat down and fed the baby first and then bought soemthing after

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/01/2022 10:33

should I pursue it further?

Pursue WHAT further? The fact that you couldn't bag a table, so you want to moan that other people could?

They gave you free coffee. What more do you want?

DoTheMerengue · 28/01/2022 10:34

I understand your annoyance at losing out on the table. However, I do think you’re being unreasonable. I also don’t think it’s the job of the barista in these circumstances to turf people off tables or weigh up who has a greater moral claim to a seat.

babyjellyfish · 28/01/2022 10:58

Should I pursue it further? Or is three free coffees a sufficient response to this issue?

I think three free coffees is an excellent outcome, OP!

Which coffee shop was this, out of interest?

pastypirate · 28/01/2022 11:04

3 free coffees is great!

I think it's a cultural problem rather than the coffee shop staff problem.

It would be great if staff tried to pre empt seating needs for some customers but they are busy making coffees. Might be worth raising it with the chain though as an idea

Flickflak · 28/01/2022 11:28

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/01/2022 11:33

Really? It’s first come first served, sure there were other places.

It wasn’t first come first served though - the people bagging the tables came in after the Op.

whatkatydid2013 · 28/01/2022 11:35

I think bagging a table and then going and joining a long queue to buy drinks is rude. In the past have been known to just go and sit with someone I’ve seen do it and take the last table as I am paying and say I’ll happily move as soon as another table frees up or the person they’ve sent to the queue arrives. On every occasion I’ve done it I’ve been gone before the person in the queue arrives. Not much coffee shop can do but you could always be politely assertive and just take a seat

MabelsApron · 28/01/2022 12:32

I too am surprised - thought MN would be all over an opportunity to say that mothers should get priority for things.

YABU, OP, sorry (and I say that as a single adult). I also don't buy that you weren't trying to get the barista to chuck someone off their table - why raise it otherwise?

LaChanticleer · 28/01/2022 12:47

As I got in the queue others joined behind me and bagged the free tables - one man put his coat and bag on one and the other had her husband go and sit there. I accept that I could have turned around and spoken to them but this felt a bit confrontational and felt awkward.

@Caramelnipple I'm going to go against majority opinion here and say that I think this kind of "table-bagging" is a bit unpleasant in a crowded café. I understand your frustration about it, although I don't think the barista could do much. If it's not table service then many customers behave a bit dog-eats-dog.

It makes having a nice break in a café for an adult on their own a bit unpleasant sometimes - basically, yes, those people in pairs or groups are jumping the queue.

But that is not a popular opinion.

Colderthanever · 28/01/2022 14:04

@Flickflak

I think the 3 free coffees is exceedingly generous, what do you mean pursue it further?

Yes I’m not sure about that, it does read like the op tried to play the breastfeeding card then decided as she’d got three free coffees she might be able to get compensation. I’m hopeful it’s just poorly written though.

LovesColourGreen · 28/01/2022 14:18

yabu, I really do sympathise with you as it would be uncomfortable for you and your children to be forced to sit outside on a cold bench in the middle of winter to bf your baby but unfortunately it is a first come first served unless you go to a place where you can book a table. It's just the nature of coffee shops. That said, if I had just taken a table while I waited for my partner to buy our coffees and noticed/overheard you in the queue, I would have offered my table to you and tried to find somewhere else for us - but this can't be expected of people :(

RealBecca · 28/01/2022 14:33

I voted yabu because you are in principal but actually for your circumstance o think it would have been reasonable to expect the barista to tell the person behind that its first come first served and as you've bought your drink first you are entitled to the table that someone behind you chucked their stuff on to reserve.

LaChanticleer · 28/01/2022 14:55

behind that its first come first served and as you've bought your drink first you are entitled to the table that someone behind you chucked their stuff on to reserve

Yes, this "first come first, served" thing is odd, if people think that it justifies them being behind someone in the queue, but before that person for finding a table. IYSWIM

First come, first served should be applied to both the queue for coffee and then the queue for finding a table.

Sedai · 28/01/2022 15:07

Yabu. If you were with your partner/husband, would you be against them getting a table while you queue and order or vice versa? I think the coffee shop have been really generous and the barista sounded understanding and did all they could to accommodate you. I don't know what more you would want them to do.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 28/01/2022 15:14

Could you not have put a bag and coat on a seat ?

People might have heart conditions, long covid, mobility issues etc that mean they need to sit down whilst their wife queues
If I take my dad out he has to sit down as he can only walk a couple hundred meters at a time, we spend a lot of money popping into pubs and coffee shops !

If you need to be out and about all day you need to have places you know will be fail safe breastfeeding spots. Quiet corner of a park, soft play etc

Mollymalone11 · 28/01/2022 15:49

YABU and entitled. If I’m going for coffee with a friend I say oh you sit down and I’ll go get the coffees. If you were queuing for a coffee and you had your coffee ordered before then then they didn’t skip the queue. What is a family of 5 came in? Are you honestly saying you expect both parent and 3 kids to all queue up to order? The norm is everyone it’s down and one orders rather than all clogging up the serving station. You are not more important just because you’re breastfeeding. There was clearly space to sit on the bench.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 28/01/2022 15:55

I speak as someone who EBF 2 children for a long time. I think you are wrong. Feeding our children doesn't give us a right to a table another paying customer is sitting at. Take it as a life lesson- next time bagsy your own table if it's busy.

Yay for free coffee though.

Sharrowgirl · 28/01/2022 15:56

The rights and wrongs of bagging a table before you’ve got your food/drink has been debated since the dawn of human life

LaChanticleer · 28/01/2022 16:19

If I’m going for coffee with a friend I say oh you sit down and I’ll go get the coffees.

What people don't think about is how a person on her own gets shoved aside in this scenario. People are jumping the queue for a table.

Mollymalone11 · 28/01/2022 16:27

@LaChanticleer I’ve been the person on my own many times and honestly this has never bothered me.

Again if you’re getting a coffee as a family are you saying all children and parents must queue for the coffee and can’t sit down until they’ve all queued up to the counter.

amusedbush · 28/01/2022 16:46

If I’m going for coffee with a friend I say oh you sit down and I’ll go get the coffees.

I do the same. For all I know, every person ahead of me in the queue is ordering coffee to take away.

PinkSyCo · 28/01/2022 17:01

This is exactly the kind of ‘story’ the DM would be all over. Practice your sad face OP and I’m sure you could earn a bit of money from them to go with the free coffee you blagged.

gorseinon28 · 28/01/2022 17:14

Someone sitting there makes sense (who may not be able to stand without discomfort or pain), not reasonable to place a coat to get a table.

Nothing really more I think that could be done though other than what the barista did.

DiddyHeck · 28/01/2022 17:47

@PinkSyCo

This is exactly the kind of ‘story’ the DM would be all over. Practice your sad face OP and I’m sure you could earn a bit of money from them to go with the free coffee you blagged.

This thread's been done to death, dug up, brushed off and done to absolute death again over the years. I'm not sure even the DM are that desperate!

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