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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding in a popular coffeeshop

344 replies

Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 17:34

Ok - so I am entirely prepared to be told IBU and precious. Don't hold back - be my sounding board please MN. I've recently complained to a popular coffeeshop about this incident but I wanted to check here what others think.

I have a ebf five month old baby and a toddler under 2. I tend to spend all day out and about as it's just so much easier than being couped up in the house. Recently I was in a shopping centre - toddler ds was asleep in the pram and baby dd was in the sling and was making it known quite clearly that she needed fed. I was near a popular coffeeshop, which had two tables available - other cafes were all full. As I got in the queue others joined behind me and bagged the free tables - one man put his coat and bag on one and the other had her husband go and sit there. I accept that I could have turned around and spoken to them but this felt a bit confrontational and felt awkward.

When I got to the barista I explained the situation and said I needed to feed my baby and that was really the only reason I was buying a coffee - essentially to 'purchase' a table. The man apologised politely and said there was nothing he could do but I could get a takeaway coffee and sit on a bench. I know many new mums find feeding in public a hugely anxiety inducing issue and I totally understand why. It's extremely stressful having a baby scream at you while you try to latch in a discrete way.

As luck would have it, someone finished up at this point and left - so I did have a table. However, surely it's not just bf mothers inconvenienced by this kind of dog eat dog system where first come first served is not abided by? Those with mobility issues must find it similarly stressful when people behind them rudely nab a table and avoid eye contact with those ahead in the queue.

The coffeeshop in question responded to my message with a token of goodwill of 3 free coffees. So... aibu? Could they have handled this better? Should I pursue it further? Or is three free coffees a sufficient response to this issue?

OP posts:
BertieQueen · 27/01/2022 17:58

Can’t believe you actually told the barista that you were only buying a coffee so you could sit down and use their facilities and expected him to move people for you.
What gives you more right just because you are breastfeeding other genuine customers who most probably bought more then just a coffee?

Yabu - massively so.

Somethingsnappy · 27/01/2022 17:59

I don't like the system either OP, of 'reserving' a table before you've bought anything, so that people ahead of you in the queue lose out. It really annoys me too, but I guess it is what it is, if that really is the accepted way of doing things. I guess PP are right though, that there wasn't much the staff could do at that point. If I had been working there, I'd have tried to find you a chair or something. It's awful when you know your baby is hungry and you start feeling stressed about logistics Flowers

BurntO · 27/01/2022 17:59

You said it yourself, some people get takeaway coffee, being in a queue doesn’t mean you need or want a table. I won’t even join a queue if I think there’s a chance I won’t get a seat tbh and I wouldn’t join the queue with OH for example as the queues tend to be crowded so I would find a table and sit down. The coffee shop doesn’t owe you anything and your attitude is very entitled

MistyFrequencies · 27/01/2022 18:00

YABU and very precious. And yes, I BF multiple babies, so I do understand from that perspective.

sadpapercourtesan · 27/01/2022 18:00

You have my sympathy, but you are being unreasonable I'm afraid. You didn't have any more right to a table than anyone else. You could have got a take out and found a bench to feed on - we've all had to at some point!

ShirleyPhallus · 27/01/2022 18:01

I’m 100% in support of women breastfeeding and think it’s a fantastic thing to do, plus being out and about with 2 little ones is tough

But kicking off at a cafe because other customers have taken the tables and using breastfeeding as your excuse is really poor form and makes all the legitimate complaints look weaker

PurpleCarpets · 27/01/2022 18:02

@Caramelnipple

My point is I was on my own and couldn't go nab a seat - it's hardly first come first served. I just think it's very rude to go grab a table when someone ahead of you quite clearly needs one.
This is bonkers. What system do you propose? If they said that no member of a group can sit at a table until they all have their order in their hands (and even if people obeyed that) you would have a lot of people milling around in the queue and you'd still have no idea of whether there would be a table available once you got to the front and got served.

I mean you could have a system where you phoned ahead for a reservation. I can recommend tea at the Ritz Grin

BurntO · 27/01/2022 18:02

It’s embarrassing that you even told the barista you were “only” buying a drink for a table and wanted them to…what? Clear a table for you? From customers who are actually there to enjoy their food and drink and enjoy their time there?

Soontobe60 · 27/01/2022 18:02

@Caramelnipple

My point is I was on my own and couldn't go nab a seat - it's hardly first come first served. I just think it's very rude to go grab a table when someone ahead of you quite clearly needs one.
I always put the pram next to the table, plonk my changing bag on the table and grab a high chair then place my order 🤣🤣🤣
MsSquiz · 27/01/2022 18:03

@Caramelnipple

My point is I was on my own and couldn't go nab a seat - it's hardly first come first served. I just think it's very rude to go grab a table when someone ahead of you quite clearly needs one.
@Caramelnipple how would other customers know you need a table? You could've been getting a takeaway coffee or picking up a quick snack.

No one is automatically entitled to a table in a coffee shop. I'm sure if your partner had been with you, you would've claimed a table with the pram and baby while he queued for your drinks - would that have been fair to people in front of your partner in the queue?

Cillmantain · 27/01/2022 18:03

YABU.
You are no more entitled to a table than anyone else.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 27/01/2022 18:03

The thing is, there is no hard and fast rule in most cafes.

Some occasionally have a sign up that say tables are for customers who have already purchased something, but most don't.

The reason for that, as far as I know, is so they don't have whole families or groups queueing up together, blocking the path or deterring others from joining what looks like a long queue. getting in the way etc.

It's really common to nab a table with a coat, bag, scarf, husband or something while you queue.

Also, it is not obvious that the reason your baby was crying was because they needed fed. That is obvious to you, but not to everyone else. Could have been cranky, dirty nappy, teething etc. And it isn't obvious to anyone behind you in the queue that you were 'in more need' of a table than them. For all they knew you may have had a partner/husband/friend sitting at a table.

Moonbabysmum · 27/01/2022 18:04

Firstly, your baby was in a sling - you didn't need to sit down at a cafe to feed - half the point of slings is that you can bf wherever (fairground rides, boats, buses, supermarkets to name a few for me). If you haven't tried it, then try to learn how. Its revolutionising!

Secondly, you could bagsy as much as anyone else.

Thirdly, there were benches elsewhere you could have used.

I appreciate (having a similar age gap myself) that it's nice to sit and make the most of toddler nap with a cuppa and a relaxed feed, but I certainly don't think it's something you can demand.

BabyInTheJungle · 27/01/2022 18:05

I totally understand why you'd be stressed and annoyed by this but I don't think there's anything else the cafe could have done.

I never used to bagsy a table for this reason but over the years I've started to... Dog eat dog world out there!

Cotswoldmama · 27/01/2022 18:05

You need to sit yourself down at a table as soon as you get there. Spread your stuff out and then join the queue. Or sit down and feed your child and then queue up after. No one would tell you you couldn't breastfeed because you hadn't bought a drink yet. I don't work in a cafe but somewhere similar we have a policy to support breastfeeding mum's. I think many big chains do too.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 27/01/2022 18:05

And, the fact that you needed to breastfeed your baby makes no real difference. You don't have anymore right to the seats than anyone else. You do have a right to feed your baby wherever they need fed, but that doesn't involve removing paying customers from their seats.

DappledThings · 27/01/2022 18:08

Firstly, your baby was in a sling - you didn't need to sit down at a cafe to feed - half the point of slings is that you can bf wherever (fairground rides, boats, buses, supermarkets to name a few for me). If you haven't tried it, then try to learn how. Its revolutionising!
Not the point of the thread I know but I tried this once and never again. I was a big sling wearer and breastfeeder but couldn't work out how to combine both. None of the clothes I had would allow for a boob to come out of the top and the waist of the sling prevented clothing being lifted. Plus I couldn't figure out the baby's head could be at the right angle.

I am very impressed by anyone feeding in the sling!

Theluggage15 · 27/01/2022 18:10

You explained the situation to the barista? What exactly did you expect him to do? Can’t believe you got 3 free coffees and are thinking of taking it further.

TrashyPanda · 27/01/2022 18:10

@Caramelnipple

My point is I was on my own and couldn't go nab a seat - it's hardly first come first served. I just think it's very rude to go grab a table when someone ahead of you quite clearly needs one.
You do not know the needs of other people in the shop/queue/outside wondering if they should go in.

Just like they can’t tell that you would like to sit down at a table (because you didn’t actually need a table. It’s not like a person on crutches needing a seat on a bus). For all they know, you want a take-away.

Stop presuming that you have priority over other people.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 27/01/2022 18:11

@DappledThings

Firstly, your baby was in a sling - you didn't need to sit down at a cafe to feed - half the point of slings is that you can bf wherever (fairground rides, boats, buses, supermarkets to name a few for me). If you haven't tried it, then try to learn how. Its revolutionising! Not the point of the thread I know but I tried this once and never again. I was a big sling wearer and breastfeeder but couldn't work out how to combine both. None of the clothes I had would allow for a boob to come out of the top and the waist of the sling prevented clothing being lifted. Plus I couldn't figure out the baby's head could be at the right angle.

I am very impressed by anyone feeding in the sling!

For future reference, the only way I could do it was with a breastfeeding top which sort of opened around the boob area with a hidden compartment. And secondly, baby can feed upright! They don't need to lay to one side....feels well weird though.
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 27/01/2022 18:11

No way is OP ever coming back to this thread is she?

MonicaGellerCleans · 27/01/2022 18:12

I'm sorry OP but you do come across as a bit 'princessy'. I don't know what grounds you thought you had to complain to the company's head office?

PurplePansy05 · 27/01/2022 18:12

As a bf mother myself who feeds in cafes occasionally (although generally feeding in public isn't my top favourite), I think you're totally unreasonable for a) complaining to the shop and b) asking whether to take it further once they offered you three free coffees as a gesture of goodwill (!!!). That's just CF. It's nobody's fault that you couldn't grab yourself a seat, such is life. Next time take a friend/partner so they can grab a seat or buy you a drink if you know you will be out for a while and need comfortable space for bf. I've been in your shoes and ended up bf in my car before continuing my day out. That's another option.

Somethingsnappy · 27/01/2022 18:12

Next time just plonk yourself down at the table where the coat is! And say 'sorry, I was before you in the queue' when they return. Grin

rwalker · 27/01/2022 18:13

TBH I think you have a cheek taking the vouchers

Way up there in the entitled league