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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding in a popular coffeeshop

344 replies

Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 17:34

Ok - so I am entirely prepared to be told IBU and precious. Don't hold back - be my sounding board please MN. I've recently complained to a popular coffeeshop about this incident but I wanted to check here what others think.

I have a ebf five month old baby and a toddler under 2. I tend to spend all day out and about as it's just so much easier than being couped up in the house. Recently I was in a shopping centre - toddler ds was asleep in the pram and baby dd was in the sling and was making it known quite clearly that she needed fed. I was near a popular coffeeshop, which had two tables available - other cafes were all full. As I got in the queue others joined behind me and bagged the free tables - one man put his coat and bag on one and the other had her husband go and sit there. I accept that I could have turned around and spoken to them but this felt a bit confrontational and felt awkward.

When I got to the barista I explained the situation and said I needed to feed my baby and that was really the only reason I was buying a coffee - essentially to 'purchase' a table. The man apologised politely and said there was nothing he could do but I could get a takeaway coffee and sit on a bench. I know many new mums find feeding in public a hugely anxiety inducing issue and I totally understand why. It's extremely stressful having a baby scream at you while you try to latch in a discrete way.

As luck would have it, someone finished up at this point and left - so I did have a table. However, surely it's not just bf mothers inconvenienced by this kind of dog eat dog system where first come first served is not abided by? Those with mobility issues must find it similarly stressful when people behind them rudely nab a table and avoid eye contact with those ahead in the queue.

The coffeeshop in question responded to my message with a token of goodwill of 3 free coffees. So... aibu? Could they have handled this better? Should I pursue it further? Or is three free coffees a sufficient response to this issue?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 27/01/2022 18:44

I wish people would stop lambasting OP about the free coffee

She raised the issue with the barista, the coffee shop gave her some free coffee vouchers. Nice gesture & no big deal.

You can disagree with her without calling her entitled or a CF

AncrenneWisse · 27/01/2022 18:44

You got a table and 3 free coffees. What’s not to like?

Topseyt · 27/01/2022 18:44

If I am out at a coffee shop with my mother she sits at the table while I get the food and the coffees. She is a wheelchair or mobility scooter user and the queuing areas in cafés are not ideal for those unless the café is virtually empty at the time.

So, we bag a table before I go to buy. We have to.

Thatsplentyjack · 27/01/2022 18:45

Yes it's annoying, I've had the exact same thing happen a few times, but yes you are being ridiculous.
Next time go bag the table first with a jacket and a bag or leave the pram at a table.

Jubaju · 27/01/2022 18:45

Bit of a clickbait thread title 🤷🏼‍♀️

Not a breastfeeding issue at all - it’s a queuing issue. YABU, suck it up.

Katieandthekids · 27/01/2022 18:47

You are a mum not a goddess. Got no more right to those tables than anyone else. And this is from an ebf mum with 2 two years old toddlers so I know it's stressful sometimes

MooSakah · 27/01/2022 18:49

It's annoying whoever you are but I understand why they do it. Your babies have shit all to do with it though.

downtonupton · 27/01/2022 18:50

this so rarely happens that I completely disagree with the popular opinion. I hate when people grab a table then go and queue. I find it very selfish and when someone is alone they can't do that.

I see it as no different from that car that nips into the parking space you are about to manoeuvre in to... in fact I had an occasion at a car park there was quite a queue to get in and because of the design of the carpark you could see spaces further round but you were stuck behind manoeuvring cars - the queue was longer than the spaces available.

Families behind me were sending people from their car to go and reserve a parking space by standing in it. Not something I was able to do as I was only with my two kids. TBH I was outraged.

And another time in a museum cafe with my parents we were about to go and sit down when a woman sent her toddlers over to go and nab the table we were about to sit at. The queue for the cafe was long and they hadn't even decide what to order yet so started to discuss it. I pointed out that we were about to sit there with the stuff we had just bought... 'oh but we have kids we need a table' - Yes you need a table in 10 minutes when you have queued, ordered and got your order. I am with pensioners who need a seat now! Really made me angry.

So OP no, you are not being unreasonable

PonyPatter44 · 27/01/2022 18:50

I went to a brilliant place in York where they had signs all over the place saying that table bagsying was strictly forbidden, and to get your food before you sat down. They had staff who would actually go up to people who had no food in front of them, and tell them to move! Some ghastly braying family sent their teenage kids to the upstairs seating area to bag seats, and my DP came upstairs and promptly sat next to the kid, who looked horrified. He tried to say something about the seats being taken, and DP said bluntly, "yes they are, I'm sitting in this one and my girlfriend is sitting in that one". Kid just sputtered a bit, and when the rest of his ghastly braying family finally arrived with the food, and brayed in dismay over not having seats ("and we TOLD you to save seats, Jeremy!"), DP just eyeballed them until they shut up. It was very satisfying.

MooSakah · 27/01/2022 18:52

And you pointed out you didn’t even really want a coffee just to use their table so why do you get priority over someone who actually wants the coffee.

ferneytorro · 27/01/2022 18:53

Be creative, put your coat/changing bag on the table.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/01/2022 18:53

This is normally something that divides mners fairly evenly, with the balance usually in favour of yanbu for saying it should be first come (ie first in the queue) first served with a table.

You’ve been really unlucky to get such a strong yabu!

For what it’s worth I agree with you. Not about bfing exactly - although it would be lovely if we lived in a society where people made way for a bfing mother. But it’s just basically unfair if people can nab a table from behind others.

Of course you could have put your coat etc on the table the same as the man but I guess you thought that was incredibly cheeky - which it is!

BookGinnyisbetter · 27/01/2022 18:55

I'm more shocked you've conned free coffee out of a shop!!

Original poster
Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 18:55

Thank you @downtonupton! I'm glad you understand! I suppose I agree with those who say bf is a red herring here - I suppose it really is about queue etiquette and I'm afraid I still think it's rude to nip for a table when others are ahead in the queue. If that makes me precious so be it.

OP posts:
MooSakah · 27/01/2022 18:56

@BookGinnyisbetter

I'm more shocked you've conned free coffee out of a shop!!
3 free coffees she doesn't even want but will get 3 free sits at a table I guess
Adatwistscientist · 27/01/2022 18:56

There should be baby centers in every town with clean changing tables, feeding areas, facilities for heating up bottles etc. Then this wouldn't be an issue.

AdultingInTheCountryside · 27/01/2022 18:57

LOL you should’ve put your stuff on the table first. Can’t believe you’re complaining tbh.

DiddyHeck · 27/01/2022 18:58

When your kids are old enough to go and wait at the table, I've no doubt you'll be doing this too OP. Otherwise you'll be stood there with a tray of food and drink and two hungry kids, looking rather foolish that you've managed to purchase lunch without checking there was somewhere available to eat it.

HauntedPencil · 27/01/2022 18:59

If you are talking about a costa/Starbucks type place I always ensure I have a table before I sit down - I'd leave a bag or coat or park the pram up and then join the queue. This is what absolutely everyone does - sometimes it's so busy you know you won't get a table and I just don't bother queuing then I'm afraid.

EL1984 · 27/01/2022 19:00

Sorry this happened to you it sounds really stressful and will no doubt put you off going out and about more often. If I had seen you I would have offered my table up but a lot of people either don't notice those in need or are a bit selfish.
Xx

MrsAvocet · 27/01/2022 19:00

Not read the whole thread but I think I agree with the majority.
I suspect that had you had another adult, or even a significantly older child with you, you would also have bagged a table before queuing - it's a pretty common thing to do and I susorct most of us have done it at some point.
I was on crutches for several months recently and if I could get a seat and send DS or DH to the queue then I always did. Sometimes people would be considerate to me if there was a shortage of tables, sometimes they weren't. It was nice when people were thoughtful of course, but I had no more right to a table, even though I might legitimately have been able to say I had a greater need than some other customers. But who is too adjudicate? Who would get a single remaining table out of say, a mum with a baby and toddler, a middle aged woman on crutches, or a frail elderly couple? And of course people do have problems you can't see. My leg is still very painful even thiugh I no longer use crutches but I will sit down asap on any occasion. I expect people just think I'm selfish now I no longer have a cast or crutches, but actually I'm still struggling.
Lots of people have problems of some kind. Cafes get busy. Sometimes people help, sometimes they don't. That's just life I'm afraid.

StCharlotte · 27/01/2022 19:00

@Caramelnipple

Thank you *@downtonupton*! I'm glad you understand! I suppose I agree with those who say bf is a red herring here - I suppose it really is about queue etiquette and I'm afraid I still think it's rude to nip for a table when others are ahead in the queue. If that makes me precious so be it.
I can totally see your point actually and it's one of life's situations that makes me a bit anxious. However your argument was with the other customers who were being cf's not the staff at all. So enjoy your three free coffees Smile
PurpleCarpets · 27/01/2022 19:02

@Caramelnipple

Thank you *@downtonupton*! I'm glad you understand! I suppose I agree with those who say bf is a red herring here - I suppose it really is about queue etiquette and I'm afraid I still think it's rude to nip for a table when others are ahead in the queue. If that makes me precious so be it.
Your preferred system is mad though. Why would someone queue up for their lunch, be handed it over the counter, pay for it, only to find that there is no seat for them to sit down at and eat it? What do you do, stand in the corner with plate in one hand, fork in the other? My participation in the food negotiations is conditional upon my having a table! (And I'm usually on my own.)
Catkin8 · 27/01/2022 19:03

OP I've no idea why you're getting such a hard time. I agree that it's rude to bagsy a table before you've even been served. It could leave someone at the front of the queue with nowhere to sit and consume the food/drink they've just paid for.

Somethingsnappy · 27/01/2022 19:03

@Adatwistscientist

There should be baby centers in every town with clean changing tables, feeding areas, facilities for heating up bottles etc. Then this wouldn't be an issue.
Yes, absolutely! Mother Care used to provide this Sad
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