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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Breastfeeding in a popular coffeeshop

344 replies

Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 17:34

Ok - so I am entirely prepared to be told IBU and precious. Don't hold back - be my sounding board please MN. I've recently complained to a popular coffeeshop about this incident but I wanted to check here what others think.

I have a ebf five month old baby and a toddler under 2. I tend to spend all day out and about as it's just so much easier than being couped up in the house. Recently I was in a shopping centre - toddler ds was asleep in the pram and baby dd was in the sling and was making it known quite clearly that she needed fed. I was near a popular coffeeshop, which had two tables available - other cafes were all full. As I got in the queue others joined behind me and bagged the free tables - one man put his coat and bag on one and the other had her husband go and sit there. I accept that I could have turned around and spoken to them but this felt a bit confrontational and felt awkward.

When I got to the barista I explained the situation and said I needed to feed my baby and that was really the only reason I was buying a coffee - essentially to 'purchase' a table. The man apologised politely and said there was nothing he could do but I could get a takeaway coffee and sit on a bench. I know many new mums find feeding in public a hugely anxiety inducing issue and I totally understand why. It's extremely stressful having a baby scream at you while you try to latch in a discrete way.

As luck would have it, someone finished up at this point and left - so I did have a table. However, surely it's not just bf mothers inconvenienced by this kind of dog eat dog system where first come first served is not abided by? Those with mobility issues must find it similarly stressful when people behind them rudely nab a table and avoid eye contact with those ahead in the queue.

The coffeeshop in question responded to my message with a token of goodwill of 3 free coffees. So... aibu? Could they have handled this better? Should I pursue it further? Or is three free coffees a sufficient response to this issue?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2022 19:31

Some busy cafes I’ve been in have had a system where you can’t sit down until you’ve been to the counter. That meant very long queues full of people. It wasn’t much fun.

TonksInPurple · 27/01/2022 19:32

Some coffee shops have signs saying not to take a table until served if this one didn’t the. YABU I can on here fully prepared from your title to back you all the way, however had it been me working as an ex bf mum I’d have tried to help.

Original poster

Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 19:34

Happy to have helped @somethingsnappy. This thread is like a public service announcement to those averse to bagsying.

OP posts:

maryberryslayers · 27/01/2022 19:35

I'm also a breastfeeding mum and I genuinely don't get what your upset about or what you wanted them to do?

Surely it's common sense to grab a table before you queue? Then you know you've got one before you get drinks.

Next time go in, chuck a coat or changing bag on a chair and go and get your drinks!

Why would any one run the risk of having nowhere to sit once you've got a hot drink, it's not rude, it's normal and sensible.

BakewellGin1 · 27/01/2022 19:36

If we go for coffee and there is three of us then of course one of us gets a table whilst the other queues... Surely that is better then three in a queue.

If I go alone (when DS was younger) I would leave pram next to table and carry baby with me to order mainly as it was easier then manoeuvring around the cafe.

togymornottogym · 27/01/2022 19:37

At my local chain coffee shop they don't allow people to save tables when they're busy. I've seen lots of people try and then walk away when staff tell them not to. However, I've never seen anyone get to the front of the queue and there not be a table available. What's the point in someone being sat at a table for 10 minutes waiting for their drink when there's a customer with a drink who can't sit down. People come and go all the time and so the system does actually seem to work.

HauntedPencil · 27/01/2022 19:39

I honestly don't understand where the idea it's rude comes from - you've got there before people coming behind you so you've waited for that table longer - it's only an issue if someone hasn't done it. And the people behind you can't really tell as so many go for takeaway anyway.

HauntedPencil · 27/01/2022 19:40

@togymornottogym

It works if everyone does exactly the same thing one way or another - it's only when people have a mix of approach it causes issues so a sign being put up is perfectly fine.

ClaudiusTheGod · 27/01/2022 19:41

YABU for writing ‘needed fed’.

It’s ‘needed TO BE fed’.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2022 19:42

@ClaudiusTheGod

YABU for writing ‘needed fed’.

It’s ‘needed TO BE fed’.

This is a regional variation. It isn’t wrong.

cakeambush · 27/01/2022 19:42

The breastfeeding is totally irrelevant and I suspect you've gone into detail about it because you thought it entitled you to special treatment. For that YABU.

It is annoying when someone who joined the queue after you bags a table in this way, but I can't see how a cafe could stop them from doing it.

Sxxyfing · 27/01/2022 19:42

Next time, sit down and feed. If they come over and ask you to order, let them take your order and pay when you leave

merrymouse · 27/01/2022 19:43

@BakewellGin1

If we go for coffee and there is three of us then of course one of us gets a table whilst the other queues... Surely that is better then three in a queue.

If I go alone (when DS was younger) I would leave pram next to table and carry baby with me to order mainly as it was easier then manoeuvring around the cafe.

Yes, this is what I always did if I was alone, or I left a coat on a chair.

I don’t want to buy food to eat in unless I know I can sit down.

If a cafe wants to enforce a different rule, that is fine, and I will choose whether or not to use it.

Unless you know why everyone else is sitting in the cafe you really, really can’t assume your need is greater than theirs.

Cheekypeach · 27/01/2022 19:44

@Sxxyfing

Next time, sit down and feed. If they come over and ask you to order, let them take your order and pay when you leave

…is the worst & most entitled advice ever

Poppins2016 · 27/01/2022 19:49

@Justwingingit2005

I hate those who grab tables before they've brought anything.

I agree, in theory, however I've found it so tricky/infuriating when I've queued and ordered food to eat in (knowing a table is free at the time of ordering) only to find that the table has been taken by people 'reserving' before queuing to order, that I've adopted the 'if you can't beat them, join them' mentality. Dealing with a tray of food, a 3 year old and a baby in a pram while waiting 20 minutes for a table to become clear is not an experience I would willingly risk repeating...

It would be great if shops could adopt and advertise a policy, e.g. find a table first/ queue first, and then stick to it...

aSofaNearYou · 27/01/2022 19:52

I agree that it's frustrating but don't think it was on the coffee shop to compensate particularly.

This behaviour is annoying but not as annoying as people that sit on larger tables than they need when they don't have to and it's busy!

EmoIsntDead · 27/01/2022 19:59

Holy entitlement, Batman

TrashyPanda · 27/01/2022 20:03

@ClaudiusTheGod

YABU for writing ‘needed fed’.

It’s ‘needed TO BE fed’.

Depends where you are.

It’s absolutely standard here.

BabyInTheJungle · 27/01/2022 20:03

I've also adopted the 'if you can't beat em join em approach'. Although I will assess the table situation as I enter a cafe and if I think it's going to be remotely busy I'll probably look elsewhere if I possibly can.

I have fed DD lately in the M&S changing room and just on a bench in the shopping centre. Not ideal but the cafes were busy and I couldn't face the stress and jostling for a table.

BabyInTheJungle · 27/01/2022 20:04

Agree on 'needing fed' being normal here too. It's often corrected on MN but it's just part of daily parlance in this neck of the woods.

Namechangenumber1 · 27/01/2022 20:05

The entitlement people show just because they have a baby is ridiculous. YOU had a baby, YOU chose to ebf, YOU choose to be out all day, but when other people don't immediately read your mind in a coffee shop, you complain? Jesus.

PinkSyCo · 27/01/2022 20:08

Fuck me talk about entitled! Wtf did you expect the poor barista to do? Order those who were taking too long over their caffe latte and their cinnamon swirl to vacate the premises because there was a breastfeeding mother in town?
If you find feeding so hugely anxiety inducing stay home once in a while instead of aimlessly traipsing around all day.

Original poster

Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 20:09

@EmoIsntDead

Holy entitlement, Batman

OP posts:

Hugasauras · 27/01/2022 20:11

Just standard for one person to grab a table while the other queues isn't it? Otherwise you'd end up with whole families in the queue!

I'd have just dumped my stuff and pram and then queued. That's what everyone else seems to do!

Original poster

Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 20:11

@pinksyco Thanks for the suggestion, but no I won't stay home all day. No, I didn't expect the barista to hurry people along - I expected them to appeal to the decency of those behind me in the queue who had took the last table.

OP posts:

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