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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding in a popular coffeeshop

344 replies

Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 17:34

Ok - so I am entirely prepared to be told IBU and precious. Don't hold back - be my sounding board please MN. I've recently complained to a popular coffeeshop about this incident but I wanted to check here what others think.

I have a ebf five month old baby and a toddler under 2. I tend to spend all day out and about as it's just so much easier than being couped up in the house. Recently I was in a shopping centre - toddler ds was asleep in the pram and baby dd was in the sling and was making it known quite clearly that she needed fed. I was near a popular coffeeshop, which had two tables available - other cafes were all full. As I got in the queue others joined behind me and bagged the free tables - one man put his coat and bag on one and the other had her husband go and sit there. I accept that I could have turned around and spoken to them but this felt a bit confrontational and felt awkward.

When I got to the barista I explained the situation and said I needed to feed my baby and that was really the only reason I was buying a coffee - essentially to 'purchase' a table. The man apologised politely and said there was nothing he could do but I could get a takeaway coffee and sit on a bench. I know many new mums find feeding in public a hugely anxiety inducing issue and I totally understand why. It's extremely stressful having a baby scream at you while you try to latch in a discrete way.

As luck would have it, someone finished up at this point and left - so I did have a table. However, surely it's not just bf mothers inconvenienced by this kind of dog eat dog system where first come first served is not abided by? Those with mobility issues must find it similarly stressful when people behind them rudely nab a table and avoid eye contact with those ahead in the queue.

The coffeeshop in question responded to my message with a token of goodwill of 3 free coffees. So... aibu? Could they have handled this better? Should I pursue it further? Or is three free coffees a sufficient response to this issue?

OP posts:
Cheekypeach · 27/01/2022 20:21

But if he’s done that Caramel, and then they’d said they were disabled etc he would’ve looked like a massive twat.

Gardeningcreature · 27/01/2022 20:22

This is why I miss my local Debenhams. The cafe there was great. Big, spacious, comfortable. Always somewhere to sit.
My local M & S does actually have a sign up staring you must buy your food/drink before sitting down. I have seen them approach table badgers when it is busy and I fully agree with this policy.
The last time I met a good friend for a coffee we started to make our way indoors after being sat outside as it began to rain. I was carrying the tray with drinks & food on. I arrived at the entrance at the same time as an empty handed woman, there was one free table inside that's all. I made sure I went in first and grabbed the table I actually said to her "Excuse me but we already have our drinks so this table is ours."
This thread has reminded me why I don't like mixing with the general public.

Tiredmum100 · 27/01/2022 20:23

[quote Caramelnipple]@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea Ha! Pretty happy to come back - I'm big enough to be told I'm wrong. Thanks for all of the replies - apparently IABU! I guess I've always thought of it as rude to bag a table before buying anything. But, hey - apparently not![/quote]
Yanbu to be annoyed people are bagging a table, I think it's more the fact you want to complain further to the coffee shop. Yabu on that front.

Wrenna · 27/01/2022 20:27

Yabu. Throw something on a table and then get on with it. I wouldn’t expect people to think oh she really needs to feed her baby I’ll let her have the table. How on earth are they supposed to know that?

User79853257976 · 27/01/2022 20:28

I thought it was normal to do it your way, OP. I can't believe how many people think it's okay to bagsy a table. I had to leave a popular cafe today with takeout due to there being no tables available, I didn't actually think to check how many people had skipped the queue. I wonder if the responses would have been different if you hadn't mentioned breastfeeding.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 27/01/2022 20:28

Who made the rule that it was ghastly to take a table then order anyway? Surely it's something that's arrived with crap coffee shops.

It's a stick up the arse mumsnet "rule" that I've literally experienced nowhere in the world across 5 continents, in reality. Single people always have issues eating/drinking/going to the loo where groups don't. It's just the way it is. I've been in that situation many times. Put your own stuff on the table/chair to reserve it first. No one is going to mind. If people all do different things, that's when there is a problem. And very few cafes are going to police this to your satisfaction so you're likely to lose out, and it's really obnoxious and antisocial to angrily barge into others' space just because of some weird made up idea you personally have of "cafe etiquette" that no one else in the shop shares. If you need to share a table with people be courteous and friendly.

Reserve a table before you order if you want to sit down Confused not everyone in the queue is going to be staying, some people will be taking away. People aren't laser focussed on what other people are doing.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 27/01/2022 20:29

@Caramelnipple

I do think quite a few pp have misunderstood though - I didn't expect anyone to give up their table. I expected people to respect the fact that those ahead in the queue should have priority wrt tables.

And I've worked in hospitality - I would certainly have politely explained the situation to someone plonked at a table without buying anything.

But in that situation with you as the staff you couldn't possibly have known if the partner of the person bagging the table was ahead of the mother (you) in the queue or not. Plus, they are buying something.
tootyfruitypickle · 27/01/2022 20:31

I don't understand why you were given 3 free coffees?

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2022 20:31

As luck would have it, someone finished up at this point and left - so I did have a table.

So what are you moaning about? You got a table.

This is often the way it goes in busy cafes.

123feraverto · 27/01/2022 20:31

I recently went to a M&S cafe and they stopped people saving tables and ensured there was a free table before you ordered

I thought that was interesting and very helpful to me as I had my 3 year old and 5 month old with me so not so easy to do takeaway

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2022 20:32

@tootyfruitypickle

I don't understand why you were given 3 free coffees?
The manager freaked out when he saw “breastfeeding” and didn’t want protests on social media.
JudgeJ · 27/01/2022 20:34

@TheOccupier

I don't think breastfeeding gives you a greater entitlement to a seat/table, but as someone who's alone more often than not when I go to a cafe, people bagging tables before ordering is one of my pet hates and I wish cafes didn't allow it. So regardless of BF, YANBU.
A lot of coffee shops do have notices up to that effect but no-one takes any notice and the staff don't do anything about it.
FangsForTheMemory · 27/01/2022 20:35

Self-service places are a nightmare for anyone on their own, because of people bagging a table and then joining a 20-minute queue.

My solution is not to use them. I only use cafes where there is table service.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 27/01/2022 20:36

If there is a rule which is enforced in some way that's much fairer because it takes the uncertainty out. This rule really isn't a universal thing most people think is correct whatever people here think. They're not "bagsying tables" knowingly thinking it's rude. It's perfectly normal behaviour.

JudgeJ · 27/01/2022 20:45

@EarringsandLipstick

If you’re one person and there is a shortage of tables, you sit down and claim the table - leave a few non valuables and then pop up to get coffee. This is just cafe strategy and not in my opinion “queue jumping”.

That's incredibly cheeky.

My dear OH died at the start of the first lockdown and because of the Covid situation I've never been into a coffee shop on my own since. I fully intend to employ the leave a coat etc on a table then go and queue tactic, in the past it was leave OH at a table then go and queue, I don't see a difference, life's difficult enough for me at the moment.
SirGawain · 27/01/2022 20:46

@Caramelnipple

My point is I was on my own and couldn't go nab a seat - it's hardly first come first served. I just think it's very rude to go grab a table when someone ahead of you quite clearly needs one.
How did they know that you needed a table? You could have already got a friend to reserve one, or been buying takeaway.
PinkSyCo · 27/01/2022 20:47

No, I didn't expect the barista to hurry people along - I expected them to appeal to the decency of those behind me in the queue who had took the last table.

You’ve got a voice haven’t you? Why couldn’t you appeal to the sensible people behind you yourself?

Pyri · 27/01/2022 20:47

@tootyfruitypickle

I don't understand why you were given 3 free coffees?
One for her, one for the toddler and one for the baby?
aSofaNearYou · 27/01/2022 20:49

I actually think it's quite a strange system in the first place to walk into somewhere and buy a drink without first establishing there is somewhere for you to sit. You wouldn't do this in a restaurant.

I suspect this is where the disparity of views on whether it is acceptable or not comes from. I can see the other side but at the same time, it's not illogical to think "well I'm only buying a coffee if I have somewhere to sit and drink it". Everyone could choose to get a table first upon entering and it would make a lot more sense.

gogohm · 27/01/2022 20:50

Yabu. Its perfectly acceptable to grab a table whilst you queue.

merrymouse · 27/01/2022 20:52

judgej, absolutely grab a table, and I hope you have some support.
Flowers

FandP · 27/01/2022 20:52

YABVU. You have no more right to a table than anybody else. Bizarre complaint to make

DysmalRadius · 27/01/2022 20:59

Nobody wants to order a meal and then find there's nowhere to sit. Finding a table and having one person sit at it while the other orders is perfectly normal in this kind of set-up and it's ideal for those with anyone who struggles to stand, those who find queueing difficult and a range of other circumstances. If you are on your own/with children or cannot do this for any other reason, then choose somewhere with table service, plenty of free tables, or a sign up making an alternative policy clear.

It seems a bit churlish to go somewhere where the system works for most people and then demand that it is changed to suit you. There are advantages and disadvantages to doing anything in a group vs on your own - you can't always ensure that things work the way you want them to in order to suit your personal circumstances.

Original poster
Caramelnipple · 27/01/2022 21:03

Thanks for the feedback - I'll be sure to enjoy my three free coffee at an appropriately reserved table Grin

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 27/01/2022 21:06

However, as a post menopausal woman, I am happy to confront the table grabber either by putting my food tray on the table or pointing out that I was already in the queue before they arrived and I intend to sit and eat my food in comfort. I'm happy to share a table though.

You just expect to go up and take someone's table while they are sitting there? Nothing stopping you from stick something at the table BEFORE you get in the queue. If you did that at a table I was sitting at you would be told where you could stick your tray and where you could take yourself. Some people are so entitled!

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