To ask for help re missing clothes drama?!

[joggerdrama]

24 y/o dd is autistic, she is high functioning but has a few sensory issues and struggles with mental health. She is fairly picky about clothes she’s wears and goes through periods of having a “comfort outfit” when her mental health is low. Recently her comfort item has been a pair of puma joggers.

Last night she did some washing and put said joggers in. I actually saw her taking them off and putting them into the washing machine so whether or not they were hers they’re the ones she’s been wearing. I came home from work today to her absolutely distraught because she went to take her clothes off the clothes horse and her joggers were missing, ds’ gf had hung some of her washing, and she is now wearing the same pair of joggers. I talked to gf and she says they’re hers, both dd and ds’ gf can show me proof of them buying the exact same joggers in the same size.

Dd wants me to make gf give them to her but I’m not willing to do that without any proof they aren’t hers. Gf emptied out the wardrobe and drawers to show me and dd that whilst she does have 2 pairs, they’re 2 different sizes so the joggers she’s wearing are definitely hers.

Dd is breaking her heart over this, saying she can’t go out with her friends today without them and she’s gonna call in sick to work at the weekend as she can’t wear anything else. She’s even gone as far as saying she wishes gf would go back to her own house and when I said that this is her home now she said well she wishes she’d just drop dead then (which I spoke to her about dw). She’s now crying her eyes out in her room and saying she wishes she was dead.

To save all this hassle I thought I’d just buy dd a couple of new pairs but they’re £35 for just one pair!! And then almost £6 for next day delivery to guarantee they’re here before she goes to work. I just can’t afford that right now and pay day isn’t for another 10 days! Dd also can’t afford to replace the joggers and she doesn’t get paid til the 15th.

I don’t know what I can do to fix this. I can’t demand gf hand over the joggers because they might belong to dd can I? But due to dds autism she probably isn’t going to move on from this for a while.

Just want to add after all that before anyone says anything due to how “dramatic” she’s being, I say dd is high functioning as that’s how she’s been labelled but I’ve suspected for a while she isn’t as functioning as she appears to be but has just adapted due to no-one suspecting autism until she was 13/14 and not getting an official asd diagnosis until she was 18.

I know everyone is keen to vilify the gf but think she was pretty heartless to go out in them when your dd was in such distress.
Isn't true, gf just happened to be out of the house, or is she not allowed to leave while suspected of this theft?

I'd ask DS to buy his gf a new pair now and you'll reimburse him, then hopefully GF will hand over these ones.

I’m not attempting to vilify the GF btw, tbh I feel a bit sorry for her that she has to live with her in laws to be when she’s of an age to have a place of her own. I am just wanting to understand more clearly the succession of events and context.

Agree with @Mummyoflittledragon. No-one forced the GF to empty out drawers and find receipts,maybe she was trying to justify taking the freshly washed pair,which may or may not be hers. In the grand scheme of things, a kind person would at the very least agree to sharing the joggers until the lost ones are found. GF can't presume they're hers.

That rent is very cheap, if she's being treated like a family member she should act like one.

Gfs clothes were still wet when I got in so the joggers can’t have been in her wash but whether or not she took them from dds washing I don’t know (although I suspect that’s what has happened now) as I’ve decided to leave it now as dd has calmed down and I don’t want to risk upsetting gf anymore over this.

@joggerdrama

Lots of replies that I’m super thankful for but can’t reply to all rn!

To clear some things up;

Gf isn’t paying more rent, I can’t see where I said that but I may have made a mistake if I did say it. She pays the same amount as dd and ds pay, which is 150 a month.

Dd and gf both do their own washing. Dd because of her autism buys hers own washing power and softener and gf because she just prefer to do her own. Gfs wash and dds wash were 2 separate washes. We don’t have a tumble dryer so dds washing was hung up around 9pm last night, no idea when gf did hers as I wasn’t in at the time. Despite doing their own washing I do occasionally end up taking it off the airer for them so it’s very possible I gave a pair of joggers to the wrong person.

Dd didn’t say any of this stuff to the gf she’s very timid normally and I actually was the one dealing with it because of how anxious she got. It started with her just telling me she’s stressed and upset because her joggers were missing and gf was wearing them. It was after I spoke to gf and she insisted they were hers that dd got upset, gf wasn’t even in the house at the time and dd has since apologised to me for saying those things and said she didn’t mean it she just couldn’t see straight and once she calmed down she realised how horrible she was being. Surprising dd isn’t a horrible person, she just gets overwhelmed and acts out without thinking of it.

Yes dd and gf are both adults but dd has asd so doesn’t always think and act the same way a NT adult would. She also has anxiety which is why she came to me instead of asking gf herself.

As for no one having money to replace them, it's little over a week before pay day for me so my disposable income is limited, due to both dc being old enough to buy their own stuff I don’t budget for their clothing anymore. Dd works 24 hours a week on minimum wage. Gf is at uni, not working, and ds works full time but why would they buy a new pair when it’s dd who’s currently without?

I’ve helped dd look and she definitely doesn’t have her pair in her room.

I’ve spoken with gf and unfortunately she doesn’t want to hand over the joggers as they are apparently one of only 2 pairs she has atm (not including the other size she has)

Soooo She’s got only two pairs She never noticed the other was missing until now? Your DD has been wearing them near constantly apparently, surely she’d have noticed and asked for them back?

Why would she just take them off the airer ??

So confused

Where’s your son in all of this

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

I’m not attempting to vilify the GF btw, tbh I feel a bit sorry for her that she has to live with her in laws to be when she’s of an age to have a place of her own. I am just wanting to understand more clearly the succession of events and context.

She doesn’t HAVE to live with her in-laws(? They’re not married)!

She probably doesn’t want her meal ticket to disappear hence the turning out of drawers etc but really why take clothes off the airer…?

Anyway we’ll never know and it’s solved but really…:

I totally sympathise with you joggerdrama, I have 2 teenage dds ( 1 who is autistic) who are both the same size and used to argue over which clothes where who's, so now I use a permanent marker and put their initials in the clothes somewhere - this has stopped the majority of the arguments,

You saw your dad poor the joggers in the way so either gf did also put a pair in the wash and there must be another pair around or she she didn't put a pair in the wash and had knowingly taken the pair DD was wearing, possibly because she thought DD had previously stolen them, so that does seem rather dishonest.
Regardless neither can prove they belong to them so options

1 -one person gets them and pays half the cost of a replacement
2 -no one gets them, sell them on context and split the proceeding which they can put towards the cost of replacement
3- they agree to share e.g 1 week each

From DD's perspective 1 is probably best with her getting them but in the interest of fairness you could toss a coin to see who keeps them.

Ok so they weren’t in GF’s wash. When did she last see her pair?

GF isn’t being very helpful is she? There’s a 50/50 chance that the lair she has taken are actually your DD’s.

I understand the stress OP, I have 2 teens with autism and they often find something they are comfortable wearing and will refuse to wear anything else, I often end up having to buy several pairs of the same trousers or trainers (Nike). Could you possibly buy some from somewhere like Next then you won’t have to pay until next month, also lots of shops now allow you to pay in 3 or 4 instalments, I have had to do this a couple times.

If the GF’s clothes were still wet then clearly the ones she has taken are the ones that DD has been wearing and washed and not hers. I think it’s therefore ok to ask her a) how long she has been missing them for b) does she think DD has been wearing her joggers for all that time then?
Does your DD stay elsewhere ever? Is it possible she left hers behind somewhere-or is it more likely that GF has left hers somewhere?

I feel a bit sorry for her that she has to live with her in laws to be when she’s of an age to have a place of her own

I don’t mean to get defensive but she doesn’t have to live here, she moved out to go to uni but can go back to her mums at any time, she just chooses to live here as she doesn’t have a great relationship with her mum and prefers to be with ds. As for being “of an age to have her own place” she’s only turned 20 this month and isn’t working, her own place isn’t feasible right now.

@joggerdrama

I didn’t ask gf to show me a receipt or empty her drawers, she did that herself. I’d just told her what dd had told me and asked if there was a chance she’s accidentally taken them thinking they were hers.

Buy them from GF in lieu of rent for a week?

Soooo, what has she been wearing up until now? How did she not notice they were missing? She sounds a little sneaky tbh, taking them off the airer and on her way.

These are adults - leave them to work it out themselves, and for god's sake charge them more than £150 a month rent each - are you feeding them on that too? If you can't afford £40 for joggers what are you going to do if the boiler breaks?

As for your DD, she doesn't sound "timid" to me. She sounds spoilt and manipulative, regardless of her ASD. If the joggers were so essential, why didn't she buy a backup pair?

Does GF know of Dd's attachment to the joggers? If so, knowingly taking them was a dick move.

Tbh if DD earns £800 a month and only pays £150 rent, she can afford too replace them herself!

Maybe the gf hasn't wanted to make drama so far and hasn't said or done anything until now?

@joggerdrama

I feel a bit sorry for her that she has to live with her in laws to be when she’s of an age to have a place of her own

I don’t mean to get defensive but she doesn’t have to live here, she moved out to go to uni but can go back to her mums at any time, she just chooses to live here as she doesn’t have a great relationship with her mum and prefers to be with ds. As for being “of an age to have her own place” she’s only turned 20 this month and isn’t working, her own place isn’t feasible right now.

What, you think the majority of uni students live with their parents..???

No, they buy and cook their own food.

Maybe dd is entitled, maybe not, but this very rarely happens. I don’t know she doesn’t have a back up, I’ve told her she should get some when she gets paid, but I guess until now she didn’t realise how essential the joggers were.

I think it's pretty obvious gf knows she didn't wash them, and what is more likely is that she thinks DD took her joggers and grabbed them back when she had the chance.

Glad it's sorted for now OP :)

@TheOccupier

These are adults - leave them to work it out themselves, and for god's sake charge them more than £150 a month rent each - are you feeding them on that too? If you can't afford £40 for joggers what are you going to do if the boiler breaks?

As for your DD, she doesn't sound "timid" to me. She sounds spoilt and manipulative, regardless of her ASD. If the joggers were so essential, why didn't she buy a backup pair?

Yeah this OP. £150 a month rent is too little unless they also contribute to the food shop etc. And yes, uni student counts as an adult. That's what student loans and PT jobs are for. Crikey

What, you think the majority of uni students live with their parents..???

No ofc not??? But her whole uni got kicked out of their accommodation due to covid and haven’t been allowed to return yet, hence why she’s living at home.

Have you looked on vinted and eBay to see if anyone is selling the exact same joggers? They'd be a lot less than £40 there