To remind Ex-MIL of ExHs role in parenting?

[Negative12hoursthenPositive]

ExH has contact with DD for 24 hours EOW. He takes her back to his parents despite not living with them, that’s his choice and I never got involved. It has obviously caused issues during lockdowns etc as he refuses to to take DD to his own house.

Both Ex-PILs are immunosuppressed for different reasons. There’s been a huge outbreak of covid in DDs class so I was testing her daily due to that but then been doing extra tests (2 times a day) in the 48 hours before contact.

DD tested positive on Monday at 5am (she’d woken up feeling awful and insisted on a test). I’d tested her less than 12 hours earlier (6pm) when she came back from contact and she was negative, not even a faint line on the test.

Ex-FIL has now tested positive.

Ex-MIL has sent me a huge ranty text telling me I am disgusting, I knew they were vulnerable and yet I still insist on contact for a break from her and I must have known DD was positive before she went to contact. Apparently this is further evidence that DD should be living with them as I can’t “risk assess or think of anyone but myself”.

Apart from the fact that I feel like I hardly see DD in term time due to contact and school and after school activities (that I wouldn’t stop as DD loves them) so would never expect a break from her, WIBU to point out that ExH knew the risks? He’s on the school mailing and test message lists just like me, he gets the same close contact emails and reminders about daily tests as I do. He is also on the class whatsapp group like me and knows that the girl DD sits next to (she’s sat next to the same child for all of Year 1 and since Year 2 started) tested positive on Friday, after DD had sat next to her all day. He knew the risk and has cancelled contact before when he felt the risk to his parents was too high.

There’s a CAO in place, the judge decided the level of contact for ExH not me or ExH. We’ve been back to court once since the order was made over another issue which Ex-MIL also blames me for.

So WIBU to reply to Ex-MIL and remind her of her sons role in all this? I’ve kept more than my side of the bargain when I agreed to test DD twice a day in the 48 hours before contact. I promise she was negative before she went and 12 hours before she tested positive. I would never let my covid positive child go to school/contact/activities.

Also WWYD about this going forwards if I am going to be blamed?

She may be 'ex mil' but she's their grandmother.

I wouldn't send back any nasty messages. Just keep it factual.

I’m extremely Covid cautious because of household health status. I would be tempted to send an expletive filled message to your MiL.

But never send anything that could be used against you in court.

So send a nice simple reminder that her son has all the information necessary to make informed decisions and all communication should be directed to him.

@TempName01

Your tosser of an ex should see responsibility for testing your dd before he visits his parents, I would stop doing it now if I were you. Totally his choice to visit them (because he can’t be arsed to parent), does he leave her there while he goes out?

@TempName01 He doesn't leave her with his parents for more than an hour or two from what I can tell, I think it's more so he's never on his own with her.

I would reply along the line of
I tested my daughter every 12 hours before contact with her father. It is his choice where he takes her and whether he tests her.

@Calennig

I'd e-mail back:

I test my daughter daily and she was negative before contact.

I follow the court order and make DD available every second weekend between 10am Sat and 10am Sun where your son does that contact is beyond my control.

Your son has access to same school e-mails as I have so was fully aware of the covid risks.

I have more than done my part with testing before contact and find the tone your e-mail very offensive - if you have issue with my DD being at your property that is something to take up with your son.

I'd keep it factural but firm it's nothing to do with you and in fact you've made more effort than needed- and keep all e-mails in case needed for future.

I think this is the best reply .

Keep it factual .

And keep her message for further reference .

I’d have added, how many tests did she do at yours?

So what about the following?

The fact that their lazy son takes DD to their house for your ex MIL to look after as he clearly can't be bothered to parent his own child during contact weekends?

Or that she's enabling him to be a shit parent by not say no?

Or the 12 day break out of every 14 day period her darling son has from his daughter?

Or that it could have been your her or your ex or even your FIL who are the source of the Covid not your DD as she or your ex could be a symptomatic?

If she tried to take you to court for custody of your DD the judge would tell her to do one as there's no basis for this and would likely question why your DD isn't staying with her dad.

I take it he leaves her with his parents and doesn't stay but merely visits during his contact weekends.

There's no point trying to send a rational response. She blames you because DD gave them Covid and that's a reason DD should be there FT?

Just tell her you're ordered by the court to allow contact and it's up to ex where that takes place.

@Negative12hoursthenPositive It sounds like DD caught it from FIL!!!!!

@Negative12hoursthenPositive

I went with

"Hi (Ex-MIL), Sorry to hear (Ex-FIL) has covid. (DD) tested negative 5 times between Thursday morning and Saturday morning when (ExH) picked her up from me. She did not test postive until 5am Monday. (ExH) is on the school mailing lists and gets the same information as me Re close contacts, I do not get to decide where he takes DD during his contact times, so it is him you need to discuss this with if you feel you both have been put at unnecessary risk. Kind regards Negative"

Sorry just saw your reply that sounds fine .

I am sure they are panicking a bit about having covid but like you say it’s not your fault.

@CoastalWave

She may be 'ex mil' but she's their grandmother.

I wouldn't send back any nasty messages. Just keep it factual.

And? She's a pretty shit one on the evidence here, causing potential upset for her grandchild's primary carer. Unable to see her own son's faults. OP has been factual and unemotional in her response which shows her daughter's best interests are at the forefront of her mind unlike the grandmother who appears to want to point score.

@Alonelonelyloner

Good grief.

She sent you a ranty text blaming you. Just send her one back saying;

'Hi, sorry you have Covid in the house. I test my daughter daily. I have at no point made the decision to send her into your home. Ever. I kindly suggest you take this up with your feckless son. Regards, Disgruntled EXDIL.

This is brilliant!

@Negative12hoursthenPositive

The reason we've been in court since the order was because ExH wanted to change DDs Nursery and School so they were closer to his parents house, he got laughed out of court. But Ex-MIL says it's my fault because I could of "Just agreed it to keep the peace" despite the fact that the school they wanted is over 3 miles from me, yet the one she goes to is on the same road we live on.

I think your MIL also needs reminding it's her son who's your DD's other parent and not her.

One day when your daughters a teenager she'll start asking questions about why her dad doesn't bother with her.

I think you need to stop testing her. By doing it you're signalling (to stupid people) that you are somehow responsible for her covis status. Pass the responsibility back to her father. You make DD available for contact as stipulated in the court order. He can then sort out whether or not she's a risk to his parents.

That's a good message OP but I would block her now to be honest. You just do not need to have any contact with these people.

He's a twat and she's a twat. Wouldn't give it a moment's more headspace.

Twat's gonna Twat and all that.

Maybe leave it until exFIL is over it? If the worst happened with him I think you would feel pretty awful about an angry text. Not saying she's in the right but she's probably frightened and worried at the moment. Saving your anger till next week won't hurt.

Sorry just realised you replied.

@ancientgran

Sorry just realised you replied.

@ancientgran I'm not unsympathetic to her, but it's always me she blames. It's my fault me and ExH split (even though he was violent and I was told to either leave or lose DD - according to Ex-MIL its not ExHs fault I provoked him), it's my fault he has so little contact (I follow the court order, ExH took me to court, I actually offered more contact than he was awarded in court but according to Ex-MIL DD should be with her dad), its my fault DD goes to the school near me (even though their choice was impractical, I'd have compromised on one between the two of us but they wanted their choice with no compromise) and it's now my fault that Ex-FIL has covid (even though I did everything I was asked to).

I'm fed up of being the scapegoat with that family. I get she's worried but if she'd asked me politely if I'd tested DD I'd have responded politely.

Well handled OP You are far more the better person and lady than I could ever be! Mine would be something along the lines of "Seriously you daft bat? Do you really think I would do that to you?Cos if you do you want your head read" Your dealing with it was first class,Don;t give them a seconds more thought . You have got this handled!

If I were her I'd be embarrassed at raising such a shit human being. She sounds awful.

Do you need to have anything to do with exMIL? If not block her and get on with your life. You have no obligation to speak/contact her ever.

IBU to point out that ExH knew the risks? He’s on the school mailing and test message lists just like me, he gets the same close contact emails and reminders about daily tests as I do. He is also on the class whatsapp group like me and knows that the girl DD sits next to (she’s sat next to the same child for all of Year 1 and since Year 2 started) tested positive on Friday, after DD had sat next to her all day. He knew the risk and has cancelled contact before when he felt the risk to his parents was too high.

I'd clean this up and send it to her. This is 100% on her son, not you. And say so.

but if she'd asked me politely if I'd tested DD I'd have responded politely.

I'd say your response was incredibly polite under the circumstances @Negative12hoursthenPositive You stuck to the facts and wished ex-FiL well.

@Negative12hoursthenPositive

The reason we've been in court since the order was because ExH wanted to change DDs Nursery and School so they were closer to his parents house, he got laughed out of court. But Ex-MIL says it's my fault because I could of "Just agreed it to keep the peace" despite the fact that the school they wanted is over 3 miles from me, yet the one she goes to is on the same road we live on.

I'd have laughed and pointed out that it's not the Woman's Job to keep the peace.

You have primary custody for very good reasons. He can fucking keep the peace and accept what is best for his child.