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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral

496 replies

Playingdevilsadvocate · 27/01/2022 06:35

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 28/01/2022 17:52

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I still can’t believe people would want to go to the funeral of someone they had hurt and refused to speak to. I would be ashamed to show my face there. I’d also feel disrespectful. This thread has really amazed me. What’s also amazed me is the amount of people who seem to have gone NC with their parents. Some I know will have had very good reasons but surely not all. It’s really sad that this seems to be so common.
I cant believe that, having never been in this position, you have such a strong opinion on any of it.

I can't believe that your emotional range doesn't stretch far enough to get that grief and grieving is different for everyone.

Or even that some people need to go NC for their own well being. I lost my mum 8 weeks and 1 day ago. I am in that place where I am jealous of anyone thats got mum still living. Even if that mum is shit. They still have chance to see or speak to them. Its irrational jealousy on my part. But I can still accept and understand that although they have the chance, the best thing is for them to not take that chance.

I can still grasp, that if they dont take that chance, they can still grieve deeply when that person is gone. And I wouldn't judge them.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 28/01/2022 17:55

My mum tells everyone that she has no idea why I've gone no contact with her. She doesn't understand how I can be so hurtful and deprive her of a relationship with her beloved grandchildren. Everyone thinks I'm an evil bitch because she is so lovely. As a result I'm actually NC with my entire family.

Truth is that my mother is sly, manipulative and not very nice at all. All these people who think she's lovely don't realise that as soon as they walk out of her door she'll be being nasty about them. I've never heard her say a genuinely nice thing about anyone, every. As a child I was neglected and I can't remember ever being told 'I love you' by her. I've been in therapy almost my entire adult life because of her. It took 40 years to reach a point where I could walk away for good, for the good of my children. Her toxicity was starting to affect them.

Darker · 28/01/2022 18:16

People who are cut off by a family member are unlikely to put their hands up and say that it’s a totally reasonable response to a bad situation.

I accept that I am excluded from extended family life because of how I’ve been portrayed. I’m not interested in setting the record straight. Far too painful for me and would only cause more pain to others.

But I will never forgive the people who turned their noses up at me when I have attended family funerals. It’s not the time or the place to play out these narratives. I’m still a person and the dead person is still part of my story, just one with a very different perspective.

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 18:34

There’s nothing I can do or say to change peoples views If they are daft enough to believe the lies that have been told about me.

DrSbaitso · 28/01/2022 18:46

It's such a fairytale that deaths bring people closer together or heal rifts. If you weren't close before, they just drive you further away and people frequently exploit them to further whatever self righteous narrative suits them. How dare this bitch/bastard not do what I want when SOMEONE HAS DIED!!!

Sickoffamilydrama · 28/01/2022 19:19

I'm an ex funeral director (work in a different part of the industry now) and it happens regularly that families don't want someone coming to the funeral.

As has been said most places where funerals take place are open to the public. I'm surprised that some funeral directors have said they would keep the unwanted party out, if you think about that how are they going to keep someone out? They have no legal powers and they would be absolutely stupid to try, it only needs to get briefly physical like one touch and they could have an assault charge against them.

We used to explain to families we couldn't stop people attending and offer to not release any funeral details out to anyone who asked.

Sickoffamilydrama · 28/01/2022 19:30

Also I don't believe having a "private" funeral would prevent someone unwanted from attending.

Funeral staff could ask someone to leave but most would actually try and smooth things over and get on with the ceremony.

Another factor why I know most funeral directors would try not to get involved in any drama is crematoriums particularly run on very tight schedules and are often fully booked so if they don't do the funeral to time the family could run the risk of not having a funeral that day.

PrincessNutella · 28/01/2022 19:32

It's her father, not yours. Stay out of it.

JacquelineCarlyle · 28/01/2022 19:51

I haven't spoken to my dad in over 15 years but I'd go to his funeral if he died. It would be closure of sorts for me - I wouldn't be ashamed to go at all and wouldn't care what anyone else thought of me being there. FWIW he was a complete fucker but I've no doubt the story he tells people would make me seem heartless and cruel.

BunnyRuddington · 28/01/2022 19:54

I was nc with my dad. I went to the funeral just to make sure the fucker was cremated

I was just thinking this is the exact reason I shall go to my "D"M's funeral when I read your post.

Me and my siblings have already got it planned so that she can't divide us after she's gone.

Cyw2018 · 28/01/2022 20:05

I'm no contact with my mother, my DB would probably minimise my reasons for being NC, but that is because he is and always had been the golden child. That is not my DB fault, he had no choice in his position as golden child in the same way as I had no choice in being the scapegoat, and he will be damaged to some extent from his upbringing too, just in a different way to me. Therefore my DB and the brother in OP situation will be far from a reliable judge of the relationship or situation.

As for the funeral, I'm still not sure whether or not I will attend my mother's funeral when the time comes, however the opinion of relatives and hangers on really shouldn't have to be a factor in an already heartbreaking decision.

And it really is heartbreaking knowing at some point I will have to accept with absolute certainty that I will never know what it is to feel a mother's love.

MulticolourTulips · 28/01/2022 20:15

I still believe that if you don’t want to have contact in life you should leave the funeral to those that did

I'm pretty confident OP has never had a parent die. I wasn't NC with my mother, but she wasn't a very good one. I don't know, maybe she had experiences that made her uncaring and selfish. However, nobody who has not lost a parent can have any remote idea of the feelings it can churn up. The sil has every right to attend her father's funeral and this narrow minded judgy Jenny come lately should wind her neck in. And take a look in the mirror, to see what almost everyone here has been looking at. Ugly.

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 20:23

@Sickoffamilydrama can I ask you with your funeral director hat on.

If an estranged adult child turned up to a funeral would you refuse them admittance or otherwise turn them away?

Sickoffamilydrama · 28/01/2022 20:35

[quote Inspectorslack]@Sickoffamilydrama can I ask you with your funeral director hat on.

If an estranged adult child turned up to a funeral would you refuse them admittance or otherwise turn them away?[/quote]
We might quietly ask them to leave but also reliant on is recognising them or them being pointed out. Another option we used to use was get them to go into a part of the chapel that was slightly hidden, which works in one chapel bit not in the tiny ones.

It would also depend on timing if timing was tight we would literally have less than 5 minutes to get everyone in the chapel so might not have the time to get embroiled in an argument.

I do think personally that it's a very difficult position to put funeral directors in as most are very kind people who want to help so don't want to upset either party and get involved.

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 20:38

Thank you @Sickoffamilydrama

It wouldn’t be a cremation but a church service. Would that make a difference?

Dogdayafternoonz · 28/01/2022 20:41

She can go to her fathers funeral if she wants. Keep your shitty beak out!

goawaystormy · 28/01/2022 20:44

OP: AIBU

Everyone: yes

OP: no I'm not! Here's the massive drip feed why. And also you all have very sad lives for thinking differently than me

Sickoffamilydrama · 28/01/2022 20:47

@Inspectorslack

Thank you *@Sickoffamilydrama*

It wouldn’t be a cremation but a church service. Would that make a difference?

Again most churches are large enough that people can sit away from each other and most church wardens wouldn't want to get involved in any kind of argument.

It's a very difficult position to be put in and you do really have to treat each on differently a bit like drunk mourners it's a balancing act of trying to prevent a big scene detracting from the funeral and trying not to let anything escalate. Emotions run very high at funerals and it would be really unprofessional of a funeral director to get embroiled in something that ended up in a physical altercation which is where trying.to remove someone could lead.

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 20:57

Thanks again @Sickoffamilydrama

Any sort of physical altercation wouldn’t come from me but is most likely to come from the wife.

There would be me, my 3 kids and 2 of their partners, my brother his wife and their two kids, my aunt and her husband and my two cousins and my uncle and my cousin. So not just me.

Also likely to be friends of his who want to come too.

ifoundthebread · 28/01/2022 20:58

@Peas252

I was nc with my dad. I went to the funeral just to make sure the fucker was cremated.
This is my way of thinking also, the day has yet to come for me though. But I will be there even though I've not spoken to him for nearly 20 year.
dramaqueen · 28/01/2022 20:58

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I still can’t believe people would want to go to the funeral of someone they had hurt and refused to speak to. I would be ashamed to show my face there. I’d also feel disrespectful. This thread has really amazed me. What’s also amazed me is the amount of people who seem to have gone NC with their parents. Some I know will have had very good reasons but surely not all. It’s really sad that this seems to be so common.
Count yourself lucky you’ve never had to go NC with a parent. You know fuck all about it in reality, keep your opinions to yourself and leave her be.
SpaceshiptoMars · 28/01/2022 21:09

@Inspectorslack

Thanks again *@Sickoffamilydrama*

Any sort of physical altercation wouldn’t come from me but is most likely to come from the wife.

There would be me, my 3 kids and 2 of their partners, my brother his wife and their two kids, my aunt and her husband and my two cousins and my uncle and my cousin. So not just me.

Also likely to be friends of his who want to come too.

With this level of drama pending, your SM would have to be incredibly obtuse to hold a funeral at all. Direct cremation all the way, unless your Dad is chairman of the local rugby club.
Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 21:10

There won’t be a direct cremation. I can guarantee it.

juice92 · 28/01/2022 21:39

As someone who made the decision to go NC, I can tell you it is not done easily and there could be very many reasons that you aren't aware of that led to that. I'm not saying that he was wrong or that she was right, but it may go deeper than you realise. At the same time, she should still be able to go to the funeral, as she will still have her own grieving to do, which could be more complex due to the lack of contact. I think she does have a place at the funeral, but if she causes a scene should be asked to leave.

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 21:45

To be clear. When my dad dies.

I have no intention of causing a scene. But I will go (along with my family).