Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral

496 replies

Playingdevilsadvocate · 27/01/2022 06:35

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

OP posts:
Lifeisaminestrone · 27/01/2022 07:03

My understanding is that legally anyone can attend a wedding and funeral. I don’t think that law has changed.

I studied this a long time ago so please don’t take as gospel!

BABAHOTEL · 27/01/2022 07:03

You can't stop her and you should keep a dignified silence.

Kinneddar · 27/01/2022 07:04

she can’t go wailing at his funeral

I'm quite sure that isn't her intention 🙄

DoTheMerengue · 27/01/2022 07:05

I think you should just attend, pay your respects and not worry about who else is there.

torquewench · 27/01/2022 07:05

@Playingdevilsadvocate

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?
None of that has anything to do with you. Your feeling don't matter in this situation.
IncompleteSenten · 27/01/2022 07:05

Sometimes you don't go to a funeral to pay your respects.

It depends what the person did to you and how it's affected your life. Sometimes you need the funeral to find peace or make it feel real that they're really dead and can't hurt you any more.

dangerrabbit · 27/01/2022 07:07

I imagine she will go to the funeral of her own father to mark his passing and create closure for herself. Not sure it is anyone else's business or indeed place to tell her not to attend. Of course, other family members can decide if they want to acknowledge her on the day, if she is NC with the rest of the family it may be that you all don't interact, but I'm not sure what the benefit would be to the departed of creating a scene at a funeral by telling someone they can't come in.

Inspectorslack · 27/01/2022 07:08

Oh and yes. His wife absolutely should have to encounter me and my brother. And the rest of his friends who were his and my mums and she has cut off and manipulated him into cutting off.

I intend to make her as uncomfortable as possible just by being there.

hullaballoo19 · 27/01/2022 07:10

I'm nc with my dad and would still want to go to his funeral. I'm nc because my dad is quite a toxic person and he started to exhibit his toxic behaviours around and to my dd and I didn't want her to be affected the way I have been. I don't want to be nc, I want him to control his shitty behaviours around us and he's unwilling to. Doesn't mean I won't grieve for him and I will (and already do) grieve for the lack of relationship between us.

Simonjt · 27/01/2022 07:10

@Peas252

I was nc with my dad. I went to the funeral just to make sure the fucker was cremated.
I will be doing this with my parents as well.
earlydoors42 · 27/01/2022 07:11

My DH is NC with his mum but plans to.go to her funeral. She's still his mum. And to the PP who suggested it, no he isn't vile at all. He was diagnosed with complex PTSD from his childhood and needed EMDR after the death of his step dad caused him to have awful flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. He hasn't spoken to her since then for the sake of his mental health.

itsgettingweird · 27/01/2022 07:11

@IncompleteSenten

Sometimes you don't go to a funeral to pay your respects.

It depends what the person did to you and how it's affected your life. Sometimes you need the funeral to find peace or make it feel real that they're really dead and can't hurt you any more.

Absolutely this.

You shouldn't judge her for going NC. You won't know the full story.

You shouldn't judge her for wanting to go to the funeral. You won't know the full reasons why.

But they're her reasons - and she's entitled to do what's best for her.

Rainallnight · 27/01/2022 07:13

My mum was NC with her dad and still went to his funeral. He was her dad. He had behaved terribly and she needed to protect herself but that doesn’t stop someone from wanting to be involved in a major ritual to mark the end of their life.

Icequeen01 · 27/01/2022 07:15

I was NC with my DF for over 25 years and I still went to his funeral. I went to support my DSis who had reconnected with him. I also needed closure.

My BIL also attended both my PIL's funeral even though he hadn't seen either of them for years and had left all their care up to myself and DH. He sat at the back and left as soon as the funeral was over not speaking to anyone.

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/01/2022 07:16

I note that when people frequently go NC with a parent on here, it's always assumed to be the fault of the parent who must've been abusive and the person who goes NC is the innocent lamb.

My uncle was NC with my grandmother. She was a wonderful woman who did everything for him; he was just a spoilt, spiteful cunt who threw his toys out the pram when my grandma didn't agree with him about something.

Luckily he didn't come to the funeral; my mum would've killed him herself.

I actually think your SIL does have the right to attend but depending on the reasons for going NC, she needs to be circumspect and mindful of others. If she's going to get pissed and mouth off or air grievances, she should stay at home.

BABAHOTEL · 27/01/2022 07:17

@THisbackwithavengeance

I note that when people frequently go NC with a parent on here, it's always assumed to be the fault of the parent who must've been abusive and the person who goes NC is the innocent lamb.

My uncle was NC with my grandmother. She was a wonderful woman who did everything for him; he was just a spoilt, spiteful cunt who threw his toys out the pram when my grandma didn't agree with him about something.

Luckily he didn't come to the funeral; my mum would've killed him herself.

I actually think your SIL does have the right to attend but depending on the reasons for going NC, she needs to be circumspect and mindful of others. If she's going to get pissed and mouth off or air grievances, she should stay at home.

So true!
Inspectorslack · 27/01/2022 07:18

If all the people that my dad and his new wife have cut off don’t go, then only the time of his life since he met her will be represented at his funeral.

It is a ritual for his whole life. Not just the last 5 minutes.

Shouldn’t his sister and her husband be allowed to go? His brother? His cousin? They’ve all been gone NC with since this woman came on the scene.

What has it to do with you anyway?

mrsrupertpenryjones · 27/01/2022 07:18

@Peas252

I was nc with my dad. I went to the funeral just to make sure the fucker was cremated.
Yep... i did the same here.
T00Ts · 27/01/2022 07:19

She sounds vile @Inspectorslack Sad I am sending you some extra strength for when the day comes and you have to get her out of your house.

pilates · 27/01/2022 07:19

It does seem hypocritical.

WhosThatBehindTheFlask · 27/01/2022 07:19

Ultimately isn't it up to whoever is paying for the funeral? If they have a public event they will struggle to stop someone attending but as far as I remember, a public event is not mandatory. They could opt for a private funeral which is like any other private event and by invite only.

Inspectorslack · 27/01/2022 07:21

She’s horrendous @T00Ts. She has moved in on him - physically was living in the house less than 2 months after my mum died - and in the 2 years since she has alienated him from absolutely everyone who existed in his life before she came on the scene.

She’s eviscerated every single person from his life. Except her.

Should I let her eviscerating us from his funeral? I don’t think so doll. You won’t get away with that.

BurntToastAgain · 27/01/2022 07:22

You don’t even know that she will attend at this point and already you’re vilifying her.

I haven’t seen my dad in over 20 years. My sister hasn’t seen him in 25. If he died, would I go to the funeral? I don’t know. Maybe.

Anyone is entitled to go to their father’s funeral whatever their relationship was like - or whose fault it is. And everyone else can concentrate on their grief rather than looking for drama.

LubaLuca · 27/01/2022 07:23

The man has just died, there are no funeral arrangements made yet, and you have absolutely no idea if your SIL would want to go to his funeral anyway (let alone wail at it) Confused

Don't get worked up about a 'what if'.

forlornlorna · 27/01/2022 07:23

What did her dad want? Did he ever say what his wishes were regarding having her at his funeral? I say this because my step father was nc with his children from his first marriage, their choice and tbf they had their reasons. He didn't see them for nearly 20 years and when he became ill he asked us not to contact them (wouldn't of known how anyway). And he didn't want them at the funeral. I didn't think it was right but we respected his wishes