Page 18 | To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral

Playingdevilsadvocate · 2022-01-27T06:35:05+00:00

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

HacerSonarSusPasos · 28/01/2022 14:48

@Playingdevilsadvocate Good Lord, this is your takeaway from the thread?

You've taken nothing on board and refuse to entertain any opinions different to yours. I don't get why you're even bothering to come back

MrsColinRobinson · 28/01/2022 14:59

@Playingdevilsadvocate I'm out! There doesn't seem to be any way to make you listen and understand. I really pity your sil if she tries to attend and is greeted by you and your closed mind.

tigger1001 · 28/01/2022 15:03

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I still can’t believe people would want to go to the funeral of someone they had hurt and refused to speak to. I would be ashamed to show my face there. I’d also feel disrespectful. This thread has really amazed me. What’s also amazed me is the amount of people who seem to have gone NC with their parents. Some I know will have had very good reasons but surely not all. It’s really sad that this seems to be so common.

Rather than judging your sil for something you don't understand maybe you need to look at yourself and why you seem to be unable to appreciate other peoples circumstances and views.

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 15:04

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I still can’t believe people would want to go to the funeral of someone they had hurt and refused to speak to. I would be ashamed to show my face there. I’d also feel disrespectful. This thread has really amazed me. What’s also amazed me is the amount of people who seem to have gone NC with their parents. Some I know will have had very good reasons but surely not all. It’s really sad that this seems to be so common.

So you haven’t read the thread you started then? So what was the point?

FridayiminlovewithRobertSmith · 28/01/2022 15:20

Call the cardiologist. It appears you have no heart.

Her father had died. She is grieving. You will never understand their relationship. You will never understand their family dynamics. It may be comforting and healing for the family to know how complex her feelings are.

Really none of your business and really distasteful to moralise about this.

torquewench · 28/01/2022 15:29

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I still can’t believe people would want to go to the funeral of someone they had hurt and refused to speak to. I would be ashamed to show my face there. I’d also feel disrespectful. This thread has really amazed me. What’s also amazed me is the amount of people who seem to have gone NC with their parents. Some I know will have had very good reasons but surely not all. It’s really sad that this seems to be so common.

I repeat: your feelings don't matter here.

ThreeRingCircus · 28/01/2022 15:49

OP can't you step back and realise that you don't have the full picture? Acknowledge that you don't know everything that may have gone on between your SIL and her father. I am very close with my family, extremely close but there are certain things that they do not know because I do not wish to tell them. Nobody has all the answers and the best thing you can do is step back, keep neutral and mind your own business.

RedToothBrush · 28/01/2022 15:57

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I still can’t believe people would want to go to the funeral of someone they had hurt and refused to speak to. I would be ashamed to show my face there. I’d also feel disrespectful. This thread has really amazed me. What’s also amazed me is the amount of people who seem to have gone NC with their parents. Some I know will have had very good reasons but surely not all. It’s really sad that this seems to be so common.

It's. No. About. The. Dead. Person.

Funerals are for the living not the dead.

RedToothBrush · 28/01/2022 16:00

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I still can’t believe people would want to go to the funeral of someone they had hurt and refused to speak to. I would be ashamed to show my face there. I’d also feel disrespectful. This thread has really amazed me. What’s also amazed me is the amount of people who seem to have gone NC with their parents. Some I know will have had very good reasons but surely not all. It’s really sad that this seems to be so common.

Also, what qualifications / authority do you have judge whether your sil has 'legitimate enough' reasons to go NC?

The only person who has the right to judge whether they feel like their feelings are good enough is the person who is going NC. Not anyone else.

Not everyone will share the same view.

Lilifer · 28/01/2022 16:17

The OP is showing bad faith here in her last comment.

I'm report this thread now as OP is clearly getting a perverse pleasure from the reaction of genuinely uoset posters on this thread.

Lilifer · 28/01/2022 16:29

Reported. Shame on you Op, you've enjoyed this thread no end it's clear to see.

DrSbaitso · 28/01/2022 16:50

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I still can’t believe people would want to go to the funeral of someone they had hurt and refused to speak to. I would be ashamed to show my face there. I’d also feel disrespectful. This thread has really amazed me. What’s also amazed me is the amount of people who seem to have gone NC with their parents. Some I know will have had very good reasons but surely not all. It’s really sad that this seems to be so common.

I don't have much time for the self righteous moralising on here at the best of times, but considering what you're weaponising here, I'm particularly...unimpressed.

Starting to wonder what your evil SIL would be telling us.

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 16:52

Do tell me OP.

Of those who have recounted here being NC with parents - who have you decided in your head has a good enough reason?

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 16:52

I am not ashamed of any of my conduct towards my father and his wife. Why would their abuse of me cause me shame?

SockFluffInTheBath · 28/01/2022 16:56

@Playingdevilsadvocate

I still can’t believe people would want to go to the funeral of someone they had hurt and refused to speak to. I would be ashamed to show my face there. I’d also feel disrespectful. This thread has really amazed me. What’s also amazed me is the amount of people who seem to have gone NC with their parents. Some I know will have had very good reasons but surely not all. It’s really sad that this seems to be so common.

Some of us have good reasons but some of us probably don’t? In whose opinion? Who decides if the reason is good enough?

Do fuck off OP, and learn to mind your own business you nasty, judgemental busybody.

Lilifer · 28/01/2022 16:56

Guys I would not give this thread any more of your time or energy, Op doesn't give a shit about anyone's feelings or sensitivities here so it's a waste of time 🤷‍♀️

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 17:06

No she really doesn’t.

She feels entitled to judge things she knows absolutely nothing about and based on scant knowledge of half the story.

gorseinon28 · 28/01/2022 17:16

Whilst the person concerned can go, I don't think they should. Visit the grave later, remember them on the day of the funeral in some other way.

MrsColinRobinson · 28/01/2022 17:16

@Lilifer @Inspectorslack thanks to you and the many others on this thread for attempting to provide an insight into this hideous situation, but sadly OP has no interest in understanding anything, she's made her mind up and locked it shut.

TheBareTree · 28/01/2022 17:19

You sound horrible

Lilifer · 28/01/2022 17:20

[quote MrsColinRobinson]**@Lilifer* @Inspectorslack* thanks to you and the many others on this thread for attempting to provide an insight into this hideous situation, but sadly OP has no interest in understanding anything, she's made her mind up and locked it shut.[/quote]

Of course @MrsColinRobinson 😔
Some people (like the op) are incapable of understanding and having empathy in difficult family situations - I find it best not to engage with that.

FangsForTheMemory · 28/01/2022 17:20

I think it's none of your business.

BurntO · 28/01/2022 17:21

I think it’s none of your business, life is complex and it’s her FATHER. As long as there is no drama stay out of it.

nothankyouverymuchly · 28/01/2022 17:28

@Playingdevilsadvocate

So what about the people who go NC with very little reason. Don’t tell me they are not out there because they are. Some people are very hard. My DB tells me about his DW my SIL and the so called reasons why. She’s been very hurtful to her DF mainly throwing her toys out due to him remarrying and her not liking it. As far as the story I’m told, it was far too easy for her to walk away. She left her DF heartbroken. So all of you generalising about how NOONE goes no contact without horrific things having been done to them - get back off your soap boxes and realise that with anything in life there are not always set victims. I do get on with my SIL actually but this is the one thing that made me question the sort of person she is. I still believe that if you don’t want to have contact in life you should leave the funeral to those that did.

'As far as the story I have been told' sums it up for me.

You know nothing. It's none of your business. I am glad that you have strength in your convictions but ... (and I repeat) you know nothing and it's none of your business

But, nicely flounced OP.

BertramLacey · 28/01/2022 17:45

Personally if I was NC with a parent I’d avoid it because I wouldn’t feel that I should go when I’d been awful to them in life and cut them out.

I think you're lucky OP that you cannot see a way in which it may have been the parent who was awful. All you are doing is believing accounts from other people, not from her.

Viewed from the outside, my relationship with my dad may look okay. However, I'm only in contact with him because he's still with my mother. Were that not the case, I would rather cut contact with him. The reasons are many. To an outsider, I might appear cold and hard towards him. For me though I know I have good reasons not to be around him.

I might however choose to go to his funeral. Conflicted grief is some of the hardest to deal with. I know I should feel sad at the prospect of him dying but honestly I think losing my horse was worse. I certainly miss my horse more than I'm ever likely to miss him. So not only will I have to deal with my father dying, I'll have to deal with the fact that I'm not going to miss him and that's not how it should be. If then it helps me to go to his funeral, so be it.

You are not privy to what their relationship was like, not really. She's his daughter. Let her say goodbye however she needs to and just be glad that whatever you experience will be far less conflicted.