Page 15 | To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral

Playingdevilsadvocate · 2022-01-27T06:35:05+00:00

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

SockFluffInTheBath · 27/01/2022 18:45

Reasons for being LC/ NC are complex and often not transparent within families.

A lot of people would do well to remember this before they judge relatives’ relationships.

Travis1 · 27/01/2022 18:52

I’m NC with my mother. It was not an easy decision at all and if I was told tomorrow she had died I would still grieve. Grieve for the mother I thought I had, grieve for the mother I wanted and grieve for the information I wanted from her regarding my biological father that she would be taking to the grave with her. I would most likely still attend any funeral. Not front and centre. I wouldn’t involve myself with her husband but would give my brother support if he needed it.

If you’ve never had a difficult relationship with a parent and been in her position then you cannot comment. Leave your SIL be. She will be grieving too.

Inspectorslack · 27/01/2022 19:01

I agree @Lilifer

It’s a horrible thread

worriedatthemoment · 27/01/2022 22:11

@ChargingBuck I have read thanks my comment was one of the early ones and i also commented about what about the person who has died wishes do they not get a say

worriedatthemoment · 27/01/2022 22:12

@ChargingBuck plus I am also allowed an opinion

worriedatthemoment · 27/01/2022 22:15

@HacerSonarSusPasos what a horrible thing to say she knows she will be dead and something as a young person with dc not fully grown is trying to come to terms with and she doesn't want this family member there as it will upset her dc as well and this person does not
care why they are alive

CourtRand · 27/01/2022 23:32

His funeral is for people to grieve him. She's his daughter and allowed to get closure on the relationship.

Quirkyme · 28/01/2022 00:07

@FinestChicken

It was her father. I expect she had reasons for going NC which felt valid to her regardless of what other people thought. Of course she can go. Anyone can go to a funeral.

Agree

Quirkyme · 28/01/2022 00:12

It's quite nice to see comments where people are empathetic and understanding about the fact that people go NC with their parents.

I have, and whilst I have no qualms about the decision, when I meet new people, in the past - I've been real apprehensive and on edge about how people's reactions will be.

It's heartwarming to know that even without any extra details, people know that there is a backstory, and understand that those of us who do it have been through it and "don't do it just for fun".

Migrainesbythedozen · 28/01/2022 01:37

@Quirkyme

It's quite nice to see comments where people are empathetic and understanding about the fact that people go NC with their parents.

I have, and whilst I have no qualms about the decision, when I meet new people, in the past - I've been real apprehensive and on edge about how people's reactions will be.

It's heartwarming to know that even without any extra details, people know that there is a backstory, and understand that those of us who do it have been through it and "don't do it just for fun".

Yes, as I said, trying to educate others, almost no one goes NC without good reason. Unfortunately this thread shows there is still a large amount of ignorance out there. If a person goes NC, it's because they were wronged and are protecting themselves, and they have every right to grieve that lack of relationship how they want, and that includes at the funeral, and no one has the right to tell them they can't go.

Original poster

Playingdevilsadvocate · 28/01/2022 06:17

So what about the people who go NC with very little reason. Don’t tell me they are not out there because they are. Some people are very hard. My DB tells me about his DW my SIL and the so called reasons why. She’s been very hurtful to her DF mainly throwing her toys out due to him remarrying and her not liking it. As far as the story I’m told, it was far too easy for her to walk away. She left her DF heartbroken. So all of you generalising about how NOONE goes no contact without horrific things having been done to them - get back off your soap boxes and realise that with anything in life there are not always set victims. I do get on with my SIL actually but this is the one thing that made me question the sort of person she is. I still believe that if you don’t want to have contact in life you should leave the funeral to those that did.

OP posts:

CovidCorvid · 28/01/2022 06:47

My mother used to tell people I’d gone NC with her because I couldn’t be bothered to visit her as I was so selfish. She used to write me letters telling me this so I assume she either believed this herself or was just trying to gaslight me. I’m sure her friends and neighbours thought I was the worst daughter ever. What I’m saying is you’re only getting one side of the story. Her reasons may be very different.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 28/01/2022 06:49

@Playingdevilsadvocate

As far as the story I’m told

Ever stopped to consider that the story you were told might not be the full truth? You only have one side of the story, which might have been very carefully edited. Happens all the time.

Anyways, crux of the matter is that you don't get to decide if she attends. Not your circus, not your monkey.

Player001 · 28/01/2022 07:40

@Playingdevilsadvocate

So what about the people who go NC with very little reason. Don’t tell me they are not out there because they are. Some people are very hard. My DB tells me about his DW my SIL and the so called reasons why. She’s been very hurtful to her DF mainly throwing her toys out due to him remarrying and her not liking it. As far as the story I’m told, it was far too easy for her to walk away. She left her DF heartbroken. So all of you generalising about how NOONE goes no contact without horrific things having been done to them - get back off your soap boxes and realise that with anything in life there are not always set victims. I do get on with my SIL actually but this is the one thing that made me question the sort of person she is. I still believe that if you don’t want to have contact in life you should leave the funeral to those that did.

But you don't even know if she's planning on attending the funeral so how can this make you question what kind of a person she really is?

FabriqueBelgique · 28/01/2022 07:43

People don’t go NC lightly, OP. I would assume I don’t know the full story and stay out of it.

ninnynonny · 28/01/2022 07:52

My (ex) sister went nc with our mother 6 years before mum died, then with me, leaving me to do absolutely everything during those difficult last years. When our mother was hospitalised and dying in the last months, ex sister decided to visit and make a fuss with the hospital, whilst still leaving absolutely everything practical to me, probably the toughest few months now my life, whilst she swanned in and out between holidays. I was so upset and angry, making it clear that if she did decide to come to the funeral it would be horrific for all of us. Luckily she chose not to with some pathetic 'thinking I would not wish to make this sad day harder' excuse. I have no sister now and will never ever forgive or speak to her again

coldfeetmama · 28/01/2022 08:08

@Playingdevilsadvocate you can continue to believe what ever you like

You don't have a clue what's gone on in the past

Anyone listening to my family would get a very different story to my own

You do you

LaBellina · 28/01/2022 08:16

@Playingdevilsadvocate

So what about the people who go NC with very little reason. Don’t tell me they are not out there because they are. Some people are very hard. My DB tells me about his DW my SIL and the so called reasons why. She’s been very hurtful to her DF mainly throwing her toys out due to him remarrying and her not liking it. As far as the story I’m told, it was far too easy for her to walk away. She left her DF heartbroken. So all of you generalising about how NOONE goes no contact without horrific things having been done to them - get back off your soap boxes and realise that with anything in life there are not always set victims. I do get on with my SIL actually but this is the one thing that made me question the sort of person she is. I still believe that if you don’t want to have contact in life you should leave the funeral to those that did.

You haven’t heard her side of the story and you are not entitled to keep a child away from their parents funeral. At the end of the day, you’re not his blood. She is.

tigger1001 · 28/01/2022 08:16

@Playingdevilsadvocate

So what about the people who go NC with very little reason. Don’t tell me they are not out there because they are. Some people are very hard. My DB tells me about his DW my SIL and the so called reasons why. She’s been very hurtful to her DF mainly throwing her toys out due to him remarrying and her not liking it. As far as the story I’m told, it was far too easy for her to walk away. She left her DF heartbroken. So all of you generalising about how NOONE goes no contact without horrific things having been done to them - get back off your soap boxes and realise that with anything in life there are not always set victims. I do get on with my SIL actually but this is the one thing that made me question the sort of person she is. I still believe that if you don’t want to have contact in life you should leave the funeral to those that did.

Life is rarely that black and white and the old adage that there are two sides to every story is true here. There may be fault on one or both sides.

Grief is something we all deal with differently and no one else gets to decide whether someone should attend a funeral unless it's invite only. You don't know yet whether she is planning to go or not, and it is possible she doesn't know herself yet either.

Family situations are often complicated and there isn't a one size fits all answer to your question in the op.

ClumsyClaret · 28/01/2022 08:17

@Playingdevilsadvocate you weren’t there, you have only heard one side, it’s not your business, stay out of it!

endlesssighing · 28/01/2022 08:17

@Playingdevilsadvocate

So what about the people who go NC with very little reason. Don’t tell me they are not out there because they are. Some people are very hard. My DB tells me about his DW my SIL and the so called reasons why. She’s been very hurtful to her DF mainly throwing her toys out due to him remarrying and her not liking it. As far as the story I’m told, it was far too easy for her to walk away. She left her DF heartbroken. So all of you generalising about how NOONE goes no contact without horrific things having been done to them - get back off your soap boxes and realise that with anything in life there are not always set victims. I do get on with my SIL actually but this is the one thing that made me question the sort of person she is. I still believe that if you don’t want to have contact in life you should leave the funeral to those that did.

So he remarried?

Is mum dead? Was this woman moved into the family home? Did he leave her mother for this woman? Did he prioritise his relationship with the new wife over her? Did he prioritise her children and grandchildren over his own? Was this woman horrible or interfering?

What part of the remarrying did she ‘not like?’ Dozens of posters have stated why they would want to go to the funeral. You are entitled to your opinion but you sound heinously narrow minded. God forbid your SIL ever finds this thread.

Ineedanightaway · 28/01/2022 08:18

As someone who had no contact with her grandparents due to her mother falling out with them, I was glad I could attend the funeral. She may want to grieve the parents she knew. Not the ones she chose to leave contact with.

LaBellina · 28/01/2022 08:19

God forbid your SIL ever finds this thread.

I hope she does actually. I would want to know about this kind of entitlement.

endlesssighing · 28/01/2022 08:20

[quote HacerSonarSusPasos]@Playingdevilsadvocate

As far as the story I’m told

Ever stopped to consider that the story you were told might not be the full truth? You only have one side of the story, which might have been very carefully edited. Happens all the time.

Anyways, crux of the matter is that you don't get to decide if she attends. Not your circus, not your monkey.[/quote]
This with bells on.

I wouldn’t tell you the full story either. You sound manipulative and pious. This woman is your brother’s wife stop shit stirring so much. It’s nothing to do with you.

pontiouspilates · 28/01/2022 08:26

I think the OP has massively simplified this situation. Relationships are complex. Perhaps the SiL needs to mourn the relationship she didn't have with her Father? Perhaps she needs closure? Perhaps she needs to let go and say a goodbye? It's her Father, she has every right to be there.