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Original poster

To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral

496 replies

Playingdevilsadvocate · 27/01/2022 06:35

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

OP posts:
Ablababla · 28/01/2022 08:27

Why are you negatively judging her for something she hasn’t done yet, where you can’t possibly know the whole story, and which has no effect on you anyway? That doesn’t reflect well on you.

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 08:31

@Playingdevilsadvocate

So what about the people who go NC with very little reason. Don’t tell me they are not out there because they are. Some people are very hard. My DB tells me about his DW my SIL and the so called reasons why. She’s been very hurtful to her DF mainly throwing her toys out due to him remarrying and her not liking it. As far as the story I’m told, it was far too easy for her to walk away. She left her DF heartbroken. So all of you generalising about how NOONE goes no contact without horrific things having been done to them - get back off your soap boxes and realise that with anything in life there are not always set victims. I do get on with my SIL actually but this is the one thing that made me question the sort of person she is. I still believe that if you don’t want to have contact in life you should leave the funeral to those that did.
No one knows the reasons except the two people on the relationship.

It’s like when I tell people my ex was abusive and they go on but he was so nice when I chatted to him at the golf club and he gives money to charity.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 28/01/2022 08:31

As far as the story I’m told

I was going to say "well there's your problem" but if you can't have a shred of empathy after ready some of the harrowing posts on here then you've got much bigger problems than taking one side of the story as fact.

I still believe that if you don’t want to have contact in life you should leave the funeral to those that did

And again, there's a difference between not having contact and not wanting contact...

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 08:31

@LaBellina

God forbid your SIL ever finds this thread.

I hope she does actually. I would want to know about this kind of entitlement.

Yup. Me too.

It’s a nasty nasty thread.

MrsColinRobinson · 28/01/2022 08:38

@Playingdevilsadvocate you haven't read a thing with any thought to understanding have you? You have made up your mind, judged and still don't get that you don't know the intricacies of other's relationships.

You started a thread that many of us find extremely upsetting and triggering, but still you show no capacity for empathy.

@worriedatthemoment you can express your completely clueless opinion but you can't expect no comeback to those who you offend with your ignorance. Just because you know someone doesn't mean you have the first idea what it's like being in an estranged relationship with a parent

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 08:40

So if my ex husband’s current wife tells people he wasn’t abusive to me - does that negate my experience @Playingdevilsadvocate?

worriedatthemoment · 28/01/2022 08:46

@MrsColinRobinson we don't have to agree with you either and you have no idea about any other relationships i have as i haven't stated
Some say they would go some wouldn't but if your not wanted there does that give you a right to go and if its private you would have no such choice

worriedatthemoment · 28/01/2022 08:48

@MrsColinRobinson if you find it triggering its best not to read it as you will always have a variety of opinions incl those who are in similar positions disagreeing, my stance was in my friends position she does not want a family member there and i stand by her on that and think she has the right to that wish

worriedatthemoment · 28/01/2022 08:54

Also some people do go nc lightly
My dh has nc with his dad not through his choice and his dad has been like this most of his life in and out of it
My dh started seeing him again when out dc were born then he disappeared again and not seen or heard from him in 15 years , no argument , no falling out he just goes nc and disappears as that suits him
So for all those telling others don't judge no one does it lightly , well some do, where as others don't and its a hard process

Migrainesbythedozen · 28/01/2022 08:56

[quote worriedatthemoment]@MrsColinRobinson we don't have to agree with you either and you have no idea about any other relationships i have as i haven't stated
Some say they would go some wouldn't but if your not wanted there does that give you a right to go and if its private you would have no such choice [/quote]
@worriedatthemoment Some say they would go some wouldn't but if your not wanted there does that give you a right to go and if its private you would have no such choice

Yes, it does give you a right to go. No funerals are private. And no one can exclude the child from a parent's funeral. A child, more than anyone, has the right to be there.

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 08:58

So if my father’s cunt of a wife tells people that he didn’t want me, my brother, his own brother and sister and my cousins, his best friend from school and others at his funeral - then we would be excluded politely by the funeral director?

I don’t think so.

Migrainesbythedozen · 28/01/2022 08:59

@worriedatthemoment

Also some people do go nc lightly My dh has nc with his dad not through his choice and his dad has been like this most of his life in and out of it My dh started seeing him again when out dc were born then he disappeared again and not seen or heard from him in 15 years , no argument , no falling out he just goes nc and disappears as that suits him So for all those telling others don't judge no one does it lightly , well some do, where as others don't and its a hard process
@worriedatthemoment Again, almost no one goes NC lightly. Almost NO ONE.

What you describe above does not actually qualify as NC. What you describe is your DH's dad being a bit of a loner, a bit flighty. It doesn't sound like he decided to purposely intentionally cut your DH off. It just sounds like that's just how he is. So that does not even come under NC.

worriedatthemoment · 28/01/2022 08:59

@Migrainesbythedozen some funerals are private though

Sartre · 28/01/2022 09:02

I’m NC with my Dad but it wouldn’t be my choice to be this way, I can’t contact him to save myself getting hurt. I tried to get back in touch with him about 5 years ago and we met up twice including once with my DC who had never met him (again, his choice). I had to travel 200+ miles to see him, mind… It was nice seeing him and I thought we could forge a relationship again but he stopped messaging me after the meet up with my DC so I just gave up. I cba contacting him again. It was him who stopped visiting or making contact in the first instance when I was 19 just out of the blue. I have no idea what his issue is at all but I don’t have time for it, frankly.

I have debated the funeral issue lots internally and I think I would go because he is still my Dad and we were close throughout my childhood. He’s an arsehole now but I used to think he was amazing and have lots of great memories.

I think SIL has every right to attend if she wishes, he’s still her Dad ultimately and nothing can change that.

worriedatthemoment · 28/01/2022 09:06

@Migrainesbythedozen tell my dh that does not come under NC then
Because thats what it is and they will never see each other again and he has hurt my dh immensely, I haven't listed every detail ,yet your assuming on this situation, whilst telling others not to
I know of others who have gone NC for silly reasons my auntie did with my nan for a few years for selfish reasons which she admits now and felt awful by how much she had hurt my nan
You can't know everyones situation in the whole world , telling others not to assume whilst you do the same

worriedatthemoment · 28/01/2022 09:10

@Migrainesbythedozen and funerals can be private , look it up
There not all done in a church and also if your NC you have to rely on someone actually telling you when the funeral is
If something happens to my dh dad we will prob never know until after if at all, there is not many people to tell him as he knows no one on his dads side alive anymore

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 09:14

@worriedatthemoment so my dad’s cunt of a wife could lie and deliberately exclude us and you’d think that is ok?

headintheproverbial · 28/01/2022 09:18

God OP you sound pretty heartless.

worriedatthemoment · 28/01/2022 09:19

@Inspectorslack I didn't say I think thats ok did I ? Just thats what could happen as it will likely be the case with my dh and his dad but in my dh case there is no real family he knows to tell him and he has no idea where his dad is , for many people that won't be the case

MrsColinRobinson · 28/01/2022 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

worriedatthemoment · 28/01/2022 09:20

@Inspectorslack is there no chance of seeing your dad because of his wife you think ? Some people change when something happens ( not all i know ) or without being cruel something could happen to her first , illness etc

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 09:24

I’m asking the question to you @worriedatthemoment

My dad’s cunt of a wife could lie to the funeral director and exclude those of us who knew him before she came on the scene - would you think that would be ok? That I be barred by a bouncer-like funeral director from my dad’s funeral on the say so of an abusive lying cunt?

Inspectorslack · 28/01/2022 09:25

There is no chance.

If I went to the house I would be physically assaulted (again).

worriedatthemoment · 28/01/2022 09:26

@MrsColinRobinson im not name calling at all and i have talked in general and in my friends situation i think the family member should not go as thats my friend and her childrens wishes and I stand by that
It was not originally about parents and kids , just if your nC with someone should you go , peoole have mentioned ex wifes etc
I have said i can understand someone going as well if family members also want them there , but me personally if nc I wouldn't want to go and if I knew i wasn't wanted by the person that had died and it would cause immense distress to their children I think it would be appropriate not to go as in my friends case ,what is nasty about that
Many threads are triggering to someone and if they are that bad you sometimes have to leave thread as not all the opinions will be the same
You know your circumstances will be very different to others and no two will be the same
Yet your saying noone ever goes nc lightly , well some do
Some go NC and its extremely stressful an hard to maintain and i get some will be grieving for the person they used to be

worriedatthemoment · 28/01/2022 09:30

@Inspectorslack I answered you no I don't think thats ok
I don't think there would be bouncers etc and I don't think many people go down the private route or if it actually means you physically couldn't go legally to be honest , my friend is only looking into them as in her circumstances its very different to yours
Its horrible when someone keeps someone away from their children as it sounds like your SM is doing , I know its easy to say your dad could do xYZ but when someone is controlled by someone else its not always that easy and sometimes people just make the wrong choice
My auntie did excl her parents as was in a controlling relationship so went nC for a while , luckily she got out of the relationship and reconciled just before one of them passed