To say that if you’ve gone no contact you can’t go to funeral

[Playingdevilsadvocate]

My SIL has gone NC with her DF. It’s been a couple of years now. He’s just died. I don’t know what she plans to do regards funeral yet but I feel that if she didn’t want anything to do with him in these last years of his life, she can’t go wailing at his funeral with his grieving family. They all know how she’s behaved towards him and they don’t want a bar of her. She should have thought of this moment before she cut him off! Should his widow (not her dm) have to encounter this person who caused her dh so much pain, at his funeral where she will be grieving her dh? Thoughts?

@worriedatthemoment stop putting words in my mouth. My point to you is simply if you aren't in this situation you don't have any idea how you'd feel. Yet you continue to bang on about others you know and what you THINK you'd do.

You haven't a clue.

Don't bother responding, I'm really not interested in your uneducated opinion of an extremely emotional situation.

I said “bouncer-like funeral director”. I didn’t say there would be bouncers.

If it’s not ok in my situation, how can you
Know if it’s ok in any situation? My dad and his wife tell people a load of lies about me and my brother.

And actually @worriedatthemoment what @MrsColinRobinson said in her last post.

You have NO idea what it’s like if you aren’t the person in the situation. Are you personally NC with a parent or parents? Unless you are you won’t get it. And that’s not to be rude, it’s just a fact. (And your DH being in the situation doesn’t count)

@Inspectorslack but this is an open forum and i commented on an individual situation which i have a right to do
Others on here think the same
I never said generically that all situations were the same
I stand by my friends situation and her but people on here said she would be dead up not up to her , I found that quite insulting and no one knows that situation yet thought they could comment
Yes each sutuation is different which is why some on here say no they wouldn't others yes
And we are all allowed an opinion wether that opinion is the same as others or not and opinions change and sometimes you read threads and it can change your opinion
Yet i have been name called and all sorts by a person on here who thought it was ok to judge my situation but told me not to judge others, i have said several times situations are all different
And it wasn't exclusively about parents and kids to start with

You’re not answering my question.

@Inspectorslack What to be name called by people again
My situation is very different to many of yours and complex and in a fixing situation which is all I will say on it at the moment

I still believe that if you don’t want to have contact in life you should leave the funeral to those that did.

When my FIL died, his sister came to the funeral. They hadn’t talked to each other for years after falling out about some inheritance.
I don’t think anyone had an issue with her being there, let alone my MIL, DH and his dsis.
Actually MIL was happy to see them and some contact with her SIL again…

Not everyone thinks your way….

What do you mean by “in a fixing situation”?

I’ll say again. You have no idea.

Also. I haven’t called you any names.

@Inspectorslack no you haven't said im not going into the situation as i don't want to as its a public forum and i don't want it scrutinised by others whilst still working it out
My only stance on this was in my friends situation which Is family but not parent/ child , where i think her rights and dc feeliNgs should be upheld and in that case the family member should stay away and I stand by her on that , I also still feel for me if NC i wouldn't go , I never said that was right for everyone , family dynamics are very different and everyone has to make there own choice / choices
In my dh case I doubt he will get an option as he will prob only find out after as his case is different and its is NC despite people telling me it isn't . This time his dad has been NC for 15 years despite my dh trying to contact , get a message to him . His dad has nit responded not to birth of grandchildren or when dh was very ill etc etc , so I don't see how that isn't no contact be it his dads choice originally by now dh will have nothing to do with him as he has chosen to walk away for all this time

You have no idea.

And you haven’t answered me by what you mean by “a fixing situation” which is a term I haven’t heard and I’m asking to understand what you mean.

You seem to think that those of us who have gone NC have done so for spurious reasons - in the overwhelming majority of cases this is not the case.

Why should I be excluded from my dad’s funeral? It seems to me that what you’re saying is that I shouldn’t be allowed to grieve him at his funeral. And I disagree absolutely with you.

I am nc with both of mine. I will not be going.

And I still haven’t called you any names despite your offensiveness.

Without knowing what happened between her, her df and the step mother who knows, perhaps the step mother was a total dick and the df took sides against his daughter?

@Inspectorslack

Whatever the rights and wrongs of any family quarrel, it is only convention, not law, that says there has to be a funeral for the deceased. There is also no law that relatives of the dead be immediately informed.

However, equally, there is nothing to prevent you holding your own memorial service in a place and time of your choosing, for your own side of the family.

As your situation is complicated by property rights issues, I would suggest seeking legal advice.

Seriously, being the one who hasn't gone NC and has to pick up the pieces and deal with my mum who genuinely could not understand why - and the reasons were so spurious on my ex sisters side - basically she wanted a posh middle class family to fit her posh middle class aspirations and didn't get it - is hideous. Imagine trying to explain to a poorly old lady that she wasn't deemed 'good enough'; imagine trying to cope with a dying woman who was in massive confusion whilst that bitch swanned in, shouted at hospital staff and tried to turn my relatives against me for apparently being the 'golden child' (hahaha); imagine having to give the ex sister her inheritance that my mum had saved for years and that she
had assured she didn't want ('her bloody money'). Clearing her home, working full time and seeing ridiculous cards from the witch 'on holiday but will visit on our return'; Dealing with all that and then being told 'People go NC for a reason' is really shit

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@Inspectorslack

Whatever the rights and wrongs of any family quarrel, it is only convention, not law, that says there has to be a funeral for the deceased. There is also no law that relatives of the dead be immediately informed.

However, equally, there is nothing to prevent you holding your own memorial service in a place and time of your choosing, for your own side of the family.

As your situation is complicated by property rights issues, I would suggest seeking legal advice.[/quote]
I don’t need any more legal advice on the position re the property rights thanks.

@Inspectorslack except I haven't said that have i not once
I said i wouldn't go thats my opinion on my circumstances
I also agree with my friend on her circumstances as i know them
I don't know yours or others and it would be your choice what you do ,
Some on here have said they wouldn't go and thats their choice
The post was about peoples opinions and what they would do etc , we can only answer based on what our own circumstances or situations we know of
Only you know what is right for you
What a stranger thinks is irrelevant you have to do whatever is right for you and your situation

And how rude are you to minimise what has been done to us (me and my brother and my father’s family of origin) as a “family quarrel”.

I do understand the law on funerals you know. Is there anything in what I’ve posted that indicates I don’t understand it?

@IncompleteSenten I never said it was you who called me names
You haven't you have asked valid questions and given me thought

Mind your own business is my main thought.

Anyone is entitled to go to a funeral, and there's nothing wrong with anyone going as long as they aren't disruptive.

I'm NC with both my parents, to hear them tell it I'm a nasty piece of work, lazy, self-centered, and don't give a shit about anyone except myself. The reality is I spent my entire childhood trying to live up to their impossible expectations, being emotionally and psychologically abused by them, and being the scapegoat in a massively fucked up extended family dynamic. It took years to gather the strength to walk away from it all, and even longer to be strong enough to start processing the trauma caused by my shitty childhood. I can't say I love them, but when the time comes I'll probably go to their funerals, and grieve the loss of the parent/child relationships I should have had. The point is family relationships can be complicated and messy, and it's really not anyone else's place to say how the people involved should deal with it.

@Playingdevilsadvocate

So what about the people who go NC with very little reason. Don’t tell me they are not out there because they are. Some people are very hard. My DB tells me about his DW my SIL and the so called reasons why. She’s been very hurtful to her DF mainly throwing her toys out due to him remarrying and her not liking it. As far as the story I’m told, it was far too easy for her to walk away. She left her DF heartbroken. So all of you generalising about how NOONE goes no contact without horrific things having been done to them - get back off your soap boxes and realise that with anything in life there are not always set victims. I do get on with my SIL actually but this is the one thing that made me question the sort of person she is. I still believe that if you don’t want to have contact in life you should leave the funeral to those that did.

"So all of you generalising about how NOONE goes no contact without horrific things having been done to them - get back off your soap boxes and realise that with anything in life there are not always set victims."

Has anybody here actually posted this? I myself used 'broadly speaking', which is a bit of a stretch to read as 'absolutely every'. Your dislike of your SIL was so clear in your OP that of course that invites people to put forward the alternative view.

Look at what you've written here. "My DB tells me" and "As far as the story I’m told". So you haven't even personally witnessed this, it's a story that is coming to your ears via the filter and biases and beliefs of another person (maybe multiple people?). Who themselves may not have personally witnessed it either, so they're filtering an already filtered narrative to you.

This heartbroken dad - are you close to him? See him regularly? Talk often? Or, as your brother's wife's father - he's more of an acquaintance? I'm guessing the latter.

I could construct all sorts of alternative narratives from the few details you've given here. I could use those details to paint a picture of a total psycho bent on destruction, or of a Family Scapegoat who finally had the courage to protect themselves from a toxic family - or anything in between. Your dislike of her could be personally merited or could be the result of a toxic family badmouthing her endlessly and this reaching you through the mouth of your just as toxic/ wanting to justify the reasons for his divorce/gullible/emotionally blind/soft-hearted brother.

I DON'T know the truth of the matter, and frankly, NEITHER DO YOU.

If you were at all interested, you would talk to this woman who you claim you do get on with" and hear her side of the story - something that you do not appear to have done. Instead, you have chosen to "question the sort of person she is" on the second/third/fourth-hand accusations of a bunch of near-strangers.

Slow handclap.

@Migrainesbythedozen yes, I agree with you, there has been a lot of ignorance in the comments. I was choosing to focus on the ones that were more understanding in my response :)

Noticed now the OP made a comment after my comment basically calling us "victims" on "soap boxes"

There isn't any point educating people about it to be honest.

@Playingdevilsadvocate

So what about the people who go NC with very little reason. Don’t tell me they are not out there because they are. Some people are very hard. My DB tells me about his DW my SIL and the so called reasons why. She’s been very hurtful to her DF mainly throwing her toys out due to him remarrying and her not liking it. As far as the story I’m told, it was far too easy for her to walk away. She left her DF heartbroken. So all of you generalising about how NOONE goes no contact without horrific things having been done to them - get back off your soap boxes and realise that with anything in life there are not always set victims. I do get on with my SIL actually but this is the one thing that made me question the sort of person she is. I still believe that if you don’t want to have contact in life you should leave the funeral to those that did.

You seem to take a lot of things at face value.

According to my family I ran off with a coke-head! I don’t think I’ve even met a coke-head and have always been scared of hard drugs.. so that’s how ridiculous it is. But I don’t expect them to tell the truth when people ask why I’m not around because what actually happened is they became physically violent. Of course they have to make me look like the bad person.

Nobody goes around saying they were shitty to people.

I still can’t believe people would want to go to the funeral of someone they had hurt and refused to speak to. I would be ashamed to show my face there. I’d also feel disrespectful. This thread has really amazed me. What’s also amazed me is the amount of people who seem to have gone NC with their parents. Some I know will have had very good reasons but surely not all. It’s really sad that this seems to be so common.