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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop giving work colleague lifts to work?

516 replies

strawberrylaces1 · 27/01/2022 05:58

I have been at my workplace for 5 years, and a few months one of my colleagues moved house, to my area.

I drive to work each day, and when we were having a chat about her moving, she mentioned the idea of car sharing to work, with her contributing towards the petrol costs. I thought this sounded ok.

At first this worked fine, she gave me petrol money and it was quite nice having the company. But for the past month or so, she’s not given any petrol money, I’ve mentioned it a couple of times and she’s given rubbish excuses about how money is short at the moment. (Which makes no sense, as if I didn’t drive her, she would have to pay for public transport!) She also mentioned that she is saving for a holiday so the financial hardship claim doesn’t really add up Confused

Another thing which is really getting under my skin is that she’s completely stopped saying thank you. When we get to her house and she gets out, she just says goodbye. I know this might seem petty, but I find it incredibly rude.
I get the impression she feels entitled to a lift since we live close by.

AIBU to stop giving her lifts entirely? I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. I am on annual leave until Monday so I want to cut off this arrangement before I’m back at work.

OP posts:
WetLookKnitwear · 27/01/2022 11:51

“I agree! Surely it’s a nice thing to do and costs you nothing.“

Running a car has a cost to it
The colleague isn’t even saying thanks for the lift. That genuinely would cost nothing.

notthatonethisone · 27/01/2022 11:52

I just read the title and thought yes yanbu

It's only been a few months. She's stopped paying. Stopped saying thank you. Thinks she can not pay you because she's planning a holiday. She's shown what she thinks of you. She sees you as a free taxi

Just ditch her. Say it's not working for you.

No apology needed.

phishy · 27/01/2022 11:52

Hi OP, will you be telling her today that it doesn’t work for you anymore?

OpheliaHardon · 27/01/2022 11:54

I'd like to say I'd tell it to her straight, but I know I wouldn't. I'd invent a reason why I couldn't do it any more. I wouldn't carry on with the lifts, though.

godmum56 · 27/01/2022 12:00

I think you have to decide what you want....if you would carry on if she paid you then tell her that she needs to pay the arrears and in future you want money up front...if on the other hand you don't want to do it any more then I wouldn't raise the arrears but just say that it no longer works for you and you won't be doing it once you are back from leave. Her cash shortage is not your problem, it certainly wouldn't ne a bus driver's problem!

CustardySergeant · 27/01/2022 12:01

@MooSakah

The thank you wouldn't bother me after so long to be honest, she probably sees you as a friend. The lack of money and making excuses is not on though.
So you don't say thank you to your friends? Why on earth not? Confused
Blackberrybunnet · 27/01/2022 12:08

I agree with other posters about asking for the money or stopping the lift. However - don't do it by text. You have had a friendly relationship for 5 years. Speak to the woman at least! Texting is a complete cop-out, and rather rude, if you ask me.

MooSakah · 27/01/2022 12:17

So you don't say thank you to your friends? Why on earth not? confused I do and I think its a bit off. I just wouldn't be bothered by it, it's only the lack of money too that would really bug me

Blossomtoes · 27/01/2022 12:20

@NewPapaGuinea

I’d be upfront and say tell her if she’s not going to hold up her side of the arrangement then the lifts will stop. Put the ball back in her court.
This. Talk to her. Why is MN so averse to having simple conversations?
Museumland · 27/01/2022 12:28

To be honest I think it's an awkward arrangement. If I am incurring the cost of driving to work anyway I wouldn't expect someone I was offering a lift to, to pay me for it. But I also wouldn't want to be wedded to that arrangement. I would drop the arrangement just saying no longer working and will let you know when if I can offer a lift.

TigerLilyTail · 27/01/2022 12:32

This. Talk to her. Why is MN so averse to having simple conversations?

To be fair, the op said she has spoken to her a few times about it. I guess she is worried about issues at work, so wanted some opinions before making a decision about how she can further approach the issue.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/01/2022 12:32

A short text saying, something like 'just want to give you some advance warning that I won't be able to offer lifts to work any more. See you Monday' ... If she replies asking 'why?' you can just say that it's not convenient anymore

This ^^
The only slight snag is that she may still push with a "Why isn't it convenient?", in which case I really would mention the money ... nothing wrong with being honest, and when she insists that of course she'll start paying again immediately, it can be shut down with a polite "No thank you"

RachelGreeneGreep · 27/01/2022 12:33

Just leave without her on Monday.

Blossomtoes · 27/01/2022 12:36

Come on. She sees the woman every day, how weird is it to text when you can talk? A simple “You’ve broken our arrangement to pay me for petrol, do you want to give me the money or make different arrangements?” isn’t that hard surely?

Howshouldibehave · 27/01/2022 12:38

It basically boils down to her saying she could pay you, but she’d just rather not!

Folklore9074 · 27/01/2022 12:42

@pictish

I’d never agree to car share in a month of Sundays - too binding by far. There are so many variables in a day…sometimes I don’t go straight home after work, sometimes I’m running late in the morning or want to go in early.

Her lack of thank you wouldn’t particularly bother me but being married to the lift arrangement would.

I would just say that it’s nothing personal but you’re finding it too much of a bind and you no longer want to be restricted by being the daily driver.

Yep, this. I wouldn't get into the financials of it at all.
MarshaBradyo · 27/01/2022 12:44

Yep I agree don’t get into money

Just rip the plaster and text it’s no longer working for me etc

abbey44 · 27/01/2022 12:49

Presumably, as you've been on annual leave, she's had to find an alternative way of getting to and from work for that time, so just let her know that you're not going to be going back to the lift-sharing when you return to work. There have been plenty of suggestions on the thread, and I think it'd be totally ok to text her to tell her so she won't be expecting you on Monday morning.

SunshineCake1 · 27/01/2022 12:52

Some real pushovers on this thread. What's with the kisses at the end of the message and the I'm afraid, sorry comments.

coodawoodashooda · 27/01/2022 12:54

@MarshaBradyo

Yep I agree don’t get into money

Just rip the plaster and text it’s no longer working for me etc

Totally.
coodawoodashooda · 27/01/2022 12:54

She's scoring an own goal.

Feedingthebirds1 · 27/01/2022 12:55

@Blackberrybunnet

I agree with other posters about asking for the money or stopping the lift. However - don't do it by text. You have had a friendly relationship for 5 years. Speak to the woman at least! Texting is a complete cop-out, and rather rude, if you ask me.
Not five years. A few months. And the passenger is already going back on the arrangement that SHE suggested.
WetLookKnitwear · 27/01/2022 12:55

“Hi, I can’t do the lifts any more, sorry” the less you say the better especially if you do it by text (where it may get misinterpreted)

Gonnagetgoing · 27/01/2022 13:03

Years ago when I was younger (early 20s) a colleague offered me lifts part way to work - there was a bus that went approx 10 minute ride to just round the corner to her house and I got that or walked there, as we started at 8.15am (factory with offices) I'd have had to get at least 2 buses there in the morning and HR officer asked colleague and it was fine. She often dropped me home in the evening or I made my own way. Never asked me for money and I didn't think to offer but gave her gifts at Christmas. It was for a year's maternity cover though and the person going on maternity was a bit of a prickly character anyway (e.g. everyone bent over backwards to help her).

In this case I'd say this in person rather than via text and give a couple of options unless you're so annoyed you just want to end it, which is fine too.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 27/01/2022 13:03

@Iamtired123

If you live in the same area its not as if it costs you extra petrol money to give her lifts ? You shouldn't have accepted the offer of petrol money in the first place !
It does cost the OP more money. Maybe not much but it does.

Also, OP pays for insurance, MOT, tax, possible finance for her car for her convenience. That can add up quite considerably and if you're accepting a regular lift then you should definitely pitch in for fuel.

You could argue it the other way if you really wanted to. The fuel for the journey costs £3 (or whatever). The person accepting a lift should pay the whole lot as that is what it would cost (at a minimum) without the OP. But that would be ridiculous.