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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop giving work colleague lifts to work?

516 replies

strawberrylaces1 · 27/01/2022 05:58

I have been at my workplace for 5 years, and a few months one of my colleagues moved house, to my area.

I drive to work each day, and when we were having a chat about her moving, she mentioned the idea of car sharing to work, with her contributing towards the petrol costs. I thought this sounded ok.

At first this worked fine, she gave me petrol money and it was quite nice having the company. But for the past month or so, she’s not given any petrol money, I’ve mentioned it a couple of times and she’s given rubbish excuses about how money is short at the moment. (Which makes no sense, as if I didn’t drive her, she would have to pay for public transport!) She also mentioned that she is saving for a holiday so the financial hardship claim doesn’t really add up Confused

Another thing which is really getting under my skin is that she’s completely stopped saying thank you. When we get to her house and she gets out, she just says goodbye. I know this might seem petty, but I find it incredibly rude.
I get the impression she feels entitled to a lift since we live close by.

AIBU to stop giving her lifts entirely? I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. I am on annual leave until Monday so I want to cut off this arrangement before I’m back at work.

OP posts:
Ineke · 28/01/2022 18:14

If you find it hard to tell her no more lifts then call in at a petrol station on the way back from work before dropping her off home, fill the car up and then say, would you mind getting the petrol this time. If she objects, then you are freely and without judgement from her able to say, that you don’t feel it is right to be giving her lifts if she gives nothing towards the cost of the travel.If she agrees, do that once every month on pay day!

Ineke · 28/01/2022 18:25

As an aside, I have a friend who lets me park in her drive whenever I need to go into town. Car parks are approx £2.50 an hour. It has saved me a fortune, and is not a problem for friend who has a big car space. Never the less, I will always ask before hand, and also will always say thank you and every now and again give a bunch of flowers as am very grateful. If I was being picked up and dropped off to and from work I would feel incredibly ungrateful if I didn’t either pay towards petrol or do/give something in return, even if it was a small thing such as a coffee and sandwich at work just to show gratitude. Some people have no concept of give and take, manners, or gratitude and think that they are so special that it’s a privilege for you to be giving her lifts. YANBU, tell her that you are no longer comfortable with the arrangement if the petrol station ploy doesn’t give her the hint.

Allycott · 28/01/2022 18:29

Plumbuddle - I hadn't thought of that ie, if there's an accident. If course she will claim off you. Will she contribute to your premiums there after? Maybe she'll go for a "had an accident not your fault" kind of claim. Tell her to fuck right off. Forget the petrol money owed and keep it simple.

Fagashlil81 · 28/01/2022 18:37

I’m going to interject as a person who gets a lift to work. I live over the road from my colleague. I do drive but I can’t afford a car/insurance. I get a lift to and from work. I’d be absolutely screwed if I didn’t have her. She knows I’m eternally grateful for the lifts and I say thank you all the time. She’s never accepted money as we are going from the same start and finish each time so there’s no extra petrol costs.

She’s moving in the next few months and I’m building her a big hamper of her favourite chocolates that will also have a costa voucher in to show my appreciation.

If the arrangement doesn’t work for you anymore then stop.

Mirw · 28/01/2022 18:39

You were doing her a favour. She is being a CF. You stop with the favours. If not, get a Contract from her in writing and tell her if she doesn't keep to it you will take her to the small claims court.

joanne2020 · 28/01/2022 18:42

I’m not going to be giving you a lift anymore
If she ask why say ‘I don’t want to’

Catastrophejane · 28/01/2022 18:43

I know lots of people have suggested giving excuses that it doesn’t work for you, but I’d lean into the discomfort and actually say why it’s a problem for you.

Why not say ‘ I don’t want to continue with this arrangement if I’m no longer getting help with petrol costs. I agreed to car share because I was helping a friend, but it ties me down and means I can’t change plans at the last minute, stay late or go straight to events after work. The help with the petrol justified the reduction in flexibility.’

It’s pretty direct, but remind yourself how rude and inconsiderate she is being to you. At least it’s honest and calls her out on her behaviour.

Ineke · 28/01/2022 18:44

Or, ask her what the bus fare to and from work is, and then say, that seems fair to pay that amount to you for a lift to her door, there and back in a warm comfortable car, especially when the weather is bad.

coodawoodashooda · 28/01/2022 18:51

@Fagashlil81

I’m going to interject as a person who gets a lift to work. I live over the road from my colleague. I do drive but I can’t afford a car/insurance. I get a lift to and from work. I’d be absolutely screwed if I didn’t have her. She knows I’m eternally grateful for the lifts and I say thank you all the time. She’s never accepted money as we are going from the same start and finish each time so there’s no extra petrol costs.

She’s moving in the next few months and I’m building her a big hamper of her favourite chocolates that will also have a costa voucher in to show my appreciation.

If the arrangement doesn’t work for you anymore then stop.

How will you get to work?
Hawkins001 · 28/01/2022 18:55

Manners cost nothing, and your doing the favour in saving on public transport costs, the person is taking the biscuit, and the tin, based on what you have wrote , op

Jeannie88 · 28/01/2022 18:56

Oh sth I've learnt in life is of you help someone a couple of times it's then expected and then some people unfortunately just become so come so used it that it isn't appreciated. That's why know I stop myself before offering favours and think of long term implications. Harsh I know but that's the reality of it. Imagine being an aunt who gives a nice a tenner every time she sees her, it becomes the norm and if she stops doing it, is not nice anymore. Just my experience of giving then it becomes expected.

Insanelysilver · 28/01/2022 19:04

She’s taking the lifts and you for granted now. The excuse of being hard up is a weak one as she’d have to pay for transport if she wasn’t taking advantage of you.
I’m not a fan of confrontation but I’m also not a fan of being mugged off so I’d probably say I was leaving later or earlier or wanted to have some time to meditate or think about an imaginary book i was writing lol
But definitely put an end to it ! X

I’ve often observed that people don’t seem to appreciate services that are free.

SnozPoz · 28/01/2022 19:16

You're going to the gym before/after work now aren't you so can't do the lifts

Bleachmycloths · 28/01/2022 19:26

Think of any other fairly casual arrangement - window cleaner, gardener. If you stopped paying they’d stop cleaning your windows, mowing your lawn. Do the same she is in the wrong.

Unsure33 · 28/01/2022 19:30

@Catastrophejane

I know lots of people have suggested giving excuses that it doesn’t work for you, but I’d lean into the discomfort and actually say why it’s a problem for you.

Why not say ‘ I don’t want to continue with this arrangement if I’m no longer getting help with petrol costs. I agreed to car share because I was helping a friend, but it ties me down and means I can’t change plans at the last minute, stay late or go straight to events after work. The help with the petrol justified the reduction in flexibility.’

It’s pretty direct, but remind yourself how rude and inconsiderate she is being to you. At least it’s honest and calls her out on her behaviour.

Yes l this is the bit people take for granted . You might want to work at home for the day or different hours or leave early. But people think oh they are doing that trip anyway why should I pay?

It infuriates me .

A relative of mine gave someone a lift everyday for a year and she was the same never paid had to be chased and when he said no I am not doing it anymore she said oh I guess he does not need the money so now I am stuck with no transport! What an insult . It was never about the money it’s the inconvenience and good manners to pay .

I actually go out of my way every day to take a relative to and from work and no offer of petrol money . And I am getting increasingly annoyed but don’t want to cause a family argument.

WTAFhappened123 · 28/01/2022 19:33

This happened to me! My boss openly suggested I give a new work colleague (who didn’t drive) a lift to and from work everyday without evening discussing it with privately. I felt pit on the spot and agreed rather than make it awkward. It took me 20 minutes out of my way actually going past my house! She never gave me money for petrol and never said thank you! It’s so odd how people think you have to do this?! I had loved my alone time driving and always wondered why she took a job without knowing how she’d get there. A few months after i was tasked with doing the shift patterns - I made sure I was always on the opposite shift to her so we couldn’t ‘car share’. She stopped speaking to me at work and her husband had to drive her! Strange entitled woman! Confused

Tomitma111 · 28/01/2022 19:40

I know the feeling I had a neighbour whom I was friendly with but in the end I felt as though I was her personal taxi driver, without the pay. No matter what I was doing she felt as though I had to drop everything to run her to her appointments and pick her kids up. I stopped it by claiming that with the price of petrol going so high I was putting myself on a budget and only using the car for necessities, she didn't even offer to put money towards the petrol.

sashykins · 28/01/2022 19:41

Could you simply say that you’ve had a think about it, and on reflection, your commute is the only quiet time you get to unwind and be alone. Maybe offer another weeks worth of lifts to give this person time to sort out alternative transport, so that you leave it on less awkward terms?! It’s certainly a tricky one.

DishwashDogsDickens · 28/01/2022 19:41

I am a big fan of honsesty

Say you were happy to help - despite the reduced flexibility. However - her refusal to keep to the bargain is making you uncomfortable with the trust in the arrangement

That’s it !
She can either wise up and contribute or go back to walking

To be fair car shares are better for the environment if buses aren’t an option … but nobody is entitled

Babyghirl · 28/01/2022 19:44

@Unsure33
It won't be you causing the argument thou it will be the relative, just cause you are related means nothing they should have the destiny to offer you something.

phishy · 28/01/2022 19:46

[quote Babyghirl]@Unsure33
It won't be you causing the argument thou it will be the relative, just cause you are related means nothing they should have the destiny to offer you something.[/quote]
Agreed. @Unsure33 just say it doesn’t work for you anymore.

Gbtch · 28/01/2022 19:47

Just tell her you will not be giving her lifts from Monday and enjoy your freedom from this commitment.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 28/01/2022 19:47

If it’s just the money I’d tell her you feel a bit taken advantage of and you need a standing order set up for x amount per month for there to not be any hard feelings. If you don’t have enjoy her company just say you need some alone time and unfortunately the arrangement cannot continue. Don’t feel guilty you’ve done nothing wrong at all.

sanbeiji · 28/01/2022 19:48

@restingbitchface30

If you aren’t going out of your way at all I’m not sure what the problem is. If you have to go out of your way a little then she’s taking advantage slightly. I get a lift from my friend/colleague 3 days but he goes straight past my house. I’m not giving him money because he doesn’t go out of his way at all. I’ll buy him a few beers once in a while as a thank you. But I guess I only get a lift 3 mornings a week (never after work) and we are friends outside of work.
Ah, the naivety of non-drivers... classic. 'No problem for the driver, they're going there anyway'.

Picking someone up even if you literally have to stop for 5 secs is a chore. You have to be on time, have someone else in the car, and as pp said insurance risk.

Fair enough you buy your friend a couple of beers, but picking anybody up is effort and thus a favour which one should be grateful for.

KeepingAnOpenMind · 28/01/2022 19:50

Why are you even asking