Pregnant, feel let down by my fiancé and thinking of moving out.

[Firstchilddue2022]

Fiancé and I have been together 2 and a half years. He is 27 and has a daughter from an ex who lives overseas. I'm 33 and expecting my first baby in August. The first trimester is kicking my butt... Literally. I'm currently bed bound with morning sickness and (TMI alert) am not sleeping well due to a huge haemorrhoid caused by gnarly constipation. I'm also coming out in rashes on my arms.

Fiancé and I both work full time and I have always done the majority of the housework. I realise now how much of a mistake that was. Since the morning sickness got very bad 3 weeks ago I've been focusing on trying to work and take care of myself. I hoped fiancé would pick up the slack, at first he did quite well but after a week and a half he started to do much less. Now he will cook a nutritional meal maybe twice a week. He's not done a weekly shop yet only a shop to last a day or two. As a result I've had to order a lot of takeaways and it's definitely not helping my constipation.

I am sleeping almost naked in January because I have no clean clothes to wear since he's doing all the laundry. The toilet is too dirty for me to be sick in and the house is generally not in a good state. He's hardly spending any time in the bedroom with me but he always has a spare 3-4hrs every night to watch TV and get drunk. He's not very good at taking responsibility. He often oversleeps and is late for work, he forgets his mums birthday, he always forgets things when shopping and he doesn't brush his teeth every day then gets excruciating toothache that he doesn't see the dentist for.

I'll admit, we have a housemate who I'm 99% sure has never cleaned the bathroom in the 2 years he's lived here. He's never deep cleaned any part of the house and the state of his windowsill got us in trouble with the landlord (mould).

Fiancé has accepted he has depression and WAS trying to seek help. He admits he has a drinking problem but doesn't think its a problem worth addressing in any serious manner even though he knows it upsets me a lot.

I love him so much. I wanted a baby with him to begin with but after the first pregnancy (which ended in a miscarriage) I realised he wasn't exactly what I considered father material. I realise now that we continued trying because I wanted to be a mum. Now I feel let down again and he seems resentful of me doing so little around the house. I tried to take a bin out this week and vomited. He definitely doesn't understand how miserable my condition is making me, nor how much more I need of him.

Am I fighting a losing battle asking him to step up? Am I being too hasty looking to move out? We're starting couples counseling on Monday and I'm hoping it will help but I don't think he's ready or able to make the fundamental changes I need. Am I being unreasonable?

You knew all of this before you decided to get pregnant. How can it be a surprise to you now?

First, congratulations on your much wanted pregnancy!

Now your situation - and you did ask for opinions by posting, so here's mine:

'I love him so much ...'

It might help to really look at that statement and ask yourself - why? What has he done to deserve that honour?

It can be a red flag when a man has young children he doesn't live with. He either walked out on them, so he now has a habit, or she got them away from him, and you need to know why.

Do you know his ex? Can you have a frank conversation with her, which may lead to hearing things you'd rather not hear - but need to?

The utter lack of consideration and care for you and your needs is only going to get worse when there is a totally dependent new baby in the house.

Depression, alcohol and filth are not an ideal situation. If he cannot or will not look after himself he won't be stepping up to care for you and your baby.

I hope you can see past your initial objections re tenancy agreements, deposits etc - they aren't the issue. Your baby's and your own wellbeing are.

Sounds like he sees you in a mother role.
The issue didn't come to light before because you took him in to your house and looked after him like he was a child. There's a reason he wants to be with an older woman. Did he live with his mother before moving in with you?
Both unconsciously and consciously he'll resent any attempts to 'adult' up.
There's no point hoping he will do a bit around the house, if he has not been called upon to do anything for 2.5 years.
You said you" was reassured by his ability to grow as a person". At age 27 he's supposed to be a grown up person already.
Anyway you know all that already.
It's wonderful that you are getting couples counselling and I wish you all the best for that. There's no more you can do except give him this opportunity for growth and well you never know...

But part of this is you not being frank with people about doing housework and you keeping everything rosy in the garden by doing all the domestic chores, rather than tell the others to do their share.

Have you been to the GP about getting something for the morning sickness? Did you get a prescription for steroid suppositories for the piles? Best of luck, hope you feel better soon.

Oh bless you OP. I know exactly what it's like to realise you've made a bad judgement about the man you've chosen to be your DC's father, and I understand how desperately you want to make it work and to believe that he'll see the light and start caring for you and prioritising you in the way that you need.

A lot of the posters on here are being extremely blunt and harsh, but they're not wrong. I'm so sorry, but he will not change and it will get worse once the baby is here.

In my case, I limped on living in hope and doing absolutely everything for DC and around the house, day and night, until DC was around 12mo. All the while he was slacking off work more and more and getting more heavily into drink and drugs. Then one day I realised I couldn't take it anymore and left him. It was honestly the best decision I ever made, and I wish I'd done it before DC was born.

Trust me, looking after a baby by yourself is much, much easier than looking after a baby whilst doing everything for and carrying around huge amounts of resentment for a useless manchild. And one huge positive to come out of the situation for me was that when it came to meeting my now DH, I had very high standards and knew exactly what I DIDN'T want in a partner and co-parent

Please, do yourself a favour and use the next few months of your pregnancy to get yourself out of this situation and set up on your own. But please also be kind to yourself, you've done nothing wrong assuming that he would behave like a decent human being once you got pregnant and it's not your fault that he's letting you down and not stepping up when you need him most.

You deserve so, so much better and I hope you realise it

Read back what you have written OP.. It's all such a disaster. Why do you "love him so much"? He is a lazy shit who wont do anything to tidy up after himself or help you who is unwell with pregnancy. What happens when the baby arrives? Are you really going to bring baby home to a filthy house with two manchilds sitting in front of the tv drinking every night.

I think you have very low expectations of what a husband should bring into a relationship. You've been a "mother" to him, doing all his laundry, cooking and cleaning up for him while he has sat on his arse. And now you have needs he is nowhere to be found.

Does he have much contact with his child overseas? Does he pay child support? Does he visit?

Dear OP, I am so so sorry for your miserable situation. It sounds awful to be lying in a miserable bed with hemmorhoids with morning sickness and an uncaring fiance. Of course you deserve better!!!! You are a human being!!! Your instincts are right. You deserve to be treated with dignity and love.

Take some of this a little further in your head.

You need to split up, that's clear.

How are you going to feel about allowing your child contact in that house? Would you be happy with his child coming to visit you at the moment in the state it's in? Does the child visit.

What are you going to do when he wants to introduce his new partner after four months to your baby, or take baby to Ireland with new partner to meet sibling....

I’m sorry you don’t feel well, and your BF sounds like a tit but really, lying in bed naked because you can’t do a quick wash? Ordering takeaway instead of ordering a food shop to be delivered? The toilets being thick with shit?

If you move out and go it alone you’d have to do basic housework?

I stop trying to make a point and do a little cleaning everyday for the sake of both you and your unborn child’s health. And start preparing to go it alone if that’s what you want.

Reading posts like this make me forever grateful I was never infected with baby brain. Get pregnant with a dirty, alcoholic loser and then wonder why he's still a dirty, alcoholic loser?

And yes, I am judging, massively. Poor fucking child.

Write a list of what HE needs to do around the house

Write a list of what YOU NEED EMOTIONALLY from him

call your GP and get yourself some anti sickness medication that WILL NOT HARM YOUR BABY( so don't worry about that)

Order yourself some face masks and creams and take care of yourself

Explain to him that he needs to cook and clean while you are struggling with morning sickness otherwise you will use some of the money he uses for alcohol to employ someone to come and clean and cook for you

Dry biscuits or ginger biscuits by the side of your bed and don't get out of bed until you have had them

Camille tea honestly helps with chilling out

Deep breathing - have a look on you tube about hypnobirthing and relaxing

Listen to some chilled out music

If your up and feel I'll take a break or a nap straight away

Eat as much fresh veg and fruit as possible. Maybe even blend it to make smoothies as may be easier with the sickness

Anti sickness bands. I wore them for 6 months

And don't stress

@Iwonder08

I don't know.. I think it is not a completely lost case. It feels he is immature, but I would try to fix things first given you are pregnant and want to keep the baby. Don't expect him to guess(he absoultuley should have done though).. Tell him what is wrong and he needs to do exactly to fix it, I.e. Cleaning, cooking, food shopping etc.

Oh come off it, @Iwonder08!

Firstly, the man is 27. He knows all about dental hygiene, how adulting works, & that it's revolting to leave your shit all over the pan. Telling him - & do you really think OP hasn't done that til she's blue in the face? - is not going to make him change.

Secondly, it's not OP's job to fix her man.
She's got enough on her plate managing her pregnancy, her income, her birth plan & then her baby.

"I love him so much. I wanted a baby with him to begin with but after the first pregnancy (which ended in a miscarriage) I realised he wasn't exactly what I considered father material."

Wow. YABU

But in regards to your situation now, if you don't want to be with him and want to raise a baby on your own, go for it.

@AdultingInTheCountryside

I don’t think you should be having a baby especially in the situation you’re in. It’s selfish to bring a baby into this world if you essentially know you can’t afford to and also with a partner that’s shit. You’re thinking about yourself and quite frankly I find it hard to feel sorry for you.

Nice to see the Eugenics Police out in force.

Don’t waste your energy on trying to change him @Firstchilddue2022 . Find yourself a place to stay, contact GP regarding your sickness cause your health is the most important right now, not teaching a 27 year old bloke basic life skills.*

Seconded, plus - OP don't waste money on couples counselling.
A counsellor won't be able to change your man any more than you can.
If you are hoping for him to suddenly understand why his behaviour is so unacceptable, just because you have attended some counselling together, you are going to be severely disappointed, & regret the money (I have no doubts whatsoever who would be paying for it btw).

Counsellors don't tell people what to do.
They ask questions, & wait for the penny to drop.
You have repeatedly told your fiance what he needs to do. He has signally failed to do it.
This will not change, because he's perfectly comfortable with being a child-neglecting slob, who leaves you in sick misery with no clothes to wear or loo clean enough to vomit into.

Save your cash for you & the baby.

Well he sounds unreasonable and unhelpful of course but if he's genuinely suffering from depression then I think you are also being unreasonable to expect so much.

Depression, my arse.
Couldn't possibly be anything to do with all the alcohol, & being constantly hungover, could it?

& how is it expecting too much to want a b/f who cleans his teeth daily, doesn't leave caked-on shit all over your loo, can cope with a load of laundry, & who doesn't ignore you every evening because he's drunkenly watching TV, @sunsshineshowerss?

@ChargingBuck

Well he sounds unreasonable and unhelpful of course but if he's genuinely suffering from depression then I think you are also being unreasonable to expect so much.

Depression, my arse.
Couldn't possibly be anything to do with all the alcohol, & being constantly hungover, could it?

& how is it expecting too much to want a b/f who cleans his teeth daily, doesn't leave caked-on shit all over your loo, can cope with a load of laundry, & who doesn't ignore you every evening because he's drunkenly watching TV, @sunsshineshowerss?

Where did I say it's expecting too much. I wouldn't put up with it - he sounds hideous but if he's genuinely I'll then there is a reason for the shitty behaviour, who am I or you to say if he genuinely doesn't have depression or not? We've only had One side of the story obvs!!!!

Also she sounds as idiotic and unhelpful as him to be honest. Can work a full time job but can't eat fruit or wash some clothes. But can post threads on mumsnet and order takeaways but can't clean a toilet 🤨

Both sound as lazy and disgraceful as each other - poor baby.

No I wouldn't put up with him but nor would I live in a small house at 33 with a flat mate who does fuck all and an absent father of 2 who has a drink problem and decide to have a baby with them.

🤷🏼‍♀️

@Pippa12

I’m sorry you don’t feel well, and your BF sounds like a tit but really, lying in bed naked because you can’t do a quick wash? Ordering takeaway instead of ordering a food shop to be delivered? The toilets being thick with shit?

If you move out and go it alone you’d have to do basic housework?

I stop trying to make a point and do a little cleaning everyday for the sake of both you and your unborn child’s health. And start preparing to go it alone if that’s what you want.

This 100%

You’re having a pity party. Yes you are pregnant not disabled. You don’t have to spend all day in bed. It takes 2 mins to clean a toilet or put a wash on or like 5 to do an online food shop. Stop moping and just do it. The housemates you live with clearly won’t do it so if it bothers you either pay for a cleaner or do it . Sounds like you’ll be a single mum and have to do it all yourself anyway .

Where did I say it's expecting too much.

In your very first sentence, in the same post you highlighted back to me, @sunsshineshowerss
HTH

@ChargingBuck

Where did I say it's expecting too much.

In your very first sentence, in the same post you highlighted back to me, @sunsshineshowerss
HTH

I realised after I'd sent my reply I had said that 😅

Anyway I still stand by everything.
They both sound pathetic.

who am I or you to say if he genuinely doesn't have depression or not
We're not capable of diagnosing whether he has it.
That's the whole point is - neither is he.
He needs a GP to diagnose for him. However, he hasn't been arsed to see one, despite saying he was going to "do something about it". If he genuinely believed he had depression, he'd be googling causes, symptoms, self-help etc & as a first step. avoiding habitual daily alcohol is a very fast step to seeing if your mood improves.

As he's done none of that, he can't state that he's "has depression", so he's either deluded, or it's just a big fat excuse. My money's on the latter.

No I wouldn't put up with him but nor would I live in a small house at 33 with a flat mate who does fuck all and an absent father of 2 who has a drink problem and decide to have a baby with them.
Bully for you. Aren't you so much smugger cleverer that the person you're giving an unnecessary kicking to.
What are you after - a form prefect badge @sunsshineshowerss?

@ChargingBuck

who am I or you to say if he genuinely doesn't have depression or not We're not capable of diagnosing whether he has it. That's the whole point is - neither is he. He needs a GP to diagnose for him. However, he hasn't been arsed to see one, despite saying he was going to "do something about it". If he genuinely believed he had depression, he'd be googling causes, symptoms, self-help etc & as a first step. avoiding habitual daily alcohol is a very fast step to seeing if your mood improves.

As he's done none of that, he can't state that he's "has depression", so he's either deluded, or it's just a big fat excuse. My money's on the latter.

No I wouldn't put up with him but nor would I live in a small house at 33 with a flat mate who does fuck all and an absent father of 2 who has a drink problem and decide to have a baby with them.
Bully for you. Aren't you so much smugger cleverer that the person you're giving an unnecessary kicking to.
What are you after - a form prefect badge @sunsshineshowerss?

Oh seriously bore off. I was talking to the OP don't know why you have to get so involved 🤣 calm yourself down it's boring. Done now. Not replying to a thread all day. 👋🏻

Girl. Look it's your baby. Do what you need to do. But listen, you are defending him. You clearly love him and want to be with him, just fight the battles with him now. Get him to fix up. He will either fix up or leave. If you don't make changes now you'll never get him to change! Also, had bad morning sickness too. Surly you'll have to clean the loo anyway. You'll need to sort his drinking out as well. As how's is he gonna be a dad when the baby is here. You've got some difficult conversations to have xx

Am I fighting a losing battle asking him to step up? Am I being too hasty looking to move out? We're starting couples counseling on Monday and I'm hoping it will help but I don't think he's ready or able to make the fundamental changes I need. Am I being unreasonable?

If you decide to continue living with a man child(or two) so you need to manage this like you have a child. Give them (both) a schedule to follow with a task each day. They will not work it out for themselves and will need to be told. You will have to do this for both of them. Housemate should at least keep his room clean.

Otherwise cut loose and just deal with the real child.

*AdultingInTheCountryside
I don’t think you should be having a baby especially in the situation you’re in. It’s selfish to bring a baby into this world if you essentially know you can’t afford to and also with a partner that’s shit. You’re thinking about yourself and quite frankly I find it hard to feel sorry for you.

Nice to see the Eugenics Police out in force.*

Bloody hell are you serious?! You’re comparing taking basic responsibility for your future baby to eugenics?! No wonder so many poor kids are born into an absolute shit show only to live with poverty or abuse when there are people out there that feel so entitled to bring babies into the world with no consideration for their well-being It’s utterly irresponsible not to ensure you can provide the basics for a baby that you intend to have, including living in a fundamentally safe home environment. It’s not eugenics, it’s ethics.

Oh seriously bore off.

You asked me a question. I answered it.
Disliking the answer doesn't mean you get to pretend you didn't ask it, or decide that you tagging a question to me isn't so involved, but answering it is.

Good to read that you won't @ me again, so have a nice rest of the day @sunsshineshowerss