Pregnant, feel let down by my fiancé and thinking of moving out.

[Firstchilddue2022]

Fiancé and I have been together 2 and a half years. He is 27 and has a daughter from an ex who lives overseas. I'm 33 and expecting my first baby in August. The first trimester is kicking my butt... Literally. I'm currently bed bound with morning sickness and (TMI alert) am not sleeping well due to a huge haemorrhoid caused by gnarly constipation. I'm also coming out in rashes on my arms.

Fiancé and I both work full time and I have always done the majority of the housework. I realise now how much of a mistake that was. Since the morning sickness got very bad 3 weeks ago I've been focusing on trying to work and take care of myself. I hoped fiancé would pick up the slack, at first he did quite well but after a week and a half he started to do much less. Now he will cook a nutritional meal maybe twice a week. He's not done a weekly shop yet only a shop to last a day or two. As a result I've had to order a lot of takeaways and it's definitely not helping my constipation.

I am sleeping almost naked in January because I have no clean clothes to wear since he's doing all the laundry. The toilet is too dirty for me to be sick in and the house is generally not in a good state. He's hardly spending any time in the bedroom with me but he always has a spare 3-4hrs every night to watch TV and get drunk. He's not very good at taking responsibility. He often oversleeps and is late for work, he forgets his mums birthday, he always forgets things when shopping and he doesn't brush his teeth every day then gets excruciating toothache that he doesn't see the dentist for.

I'll admit, we have a housemate who I'm 99% sure has never cleaned the bathroom in the 2 years he's lived here. He's never deep cleaned any part of the house and the state of his windowsill got us in trouble with the landlord (mould).

Fiancé has accepted he has depression and WAS trying to seek help. He admits he has a drinking problem but doesn't think its a problem worth addressing in any serious manner even though he knows it upsets me a lot.

I love him so much. I wanted a baby with him to begin with but after the first pregnancy (which ended in a miscarriage) I realised he wasn't exactly what I considered father material. I realise now that we continued trying because I wanted to be a mum. Now I feel let down again and he seems resentful of me doing so little around the house. I tried to take a bin out this week and vomited. He definitely doesn't understand how miserable my condition is making me, nor how much more I need of him.

Am I fighting a losing battle asking him to step up? Am I being too hasty looking to move out? We're starting couples counseling on Monday and I'm hoping it will help but I don't think he's ready or able to make the fundamental changes I need. Am I being unreasonable?

It might be better to move out now and get yourself sorted OP. If he turns himself around (actions not sweet words) you can always reconsider but his actions so far are not promising. He sounds lazy and unable to care adequately for himself, let alone you. Let alone a child.

As for the problem drinking. Whilst that happens nothing will change.

He presented himself as very mature when we first got together and a loving father to his daughter

Easiest thing in the world to be a good parent when your child lives in a different country. I'd cut your losses, keep your baby and leave him as I doubt very much it will get better but has the propensity to get a whole lot worse.

Hope you're feeling better soon

Luckily, you have some time before baby is here. So while you're unwell in bed, spend that time getting your shit together. Organise your financials, look at where you could move (with family if possible so you can get out asap) and how much housing benefit is in each area as you'll be entitled to help as a single mother, and just prepare yourself for a fresh start. Hopefully for everyones sake he's a good dad but it doesn't sound like he's even close to being a good housemate and partner. You'll be much happier without the stress of someone so unhelpful and selfish. Congratulations on your pregnancy ❤

Are you wrong to expect more of your partner - no of course not.

Is he going to step up and be all or even some more of what you need him to be - no I'm afraid he isn't.

What would I yell you to do if you were my daughter / friend...

1. Get a GP appointment and insist on help with the vomiting. If you don't there has to be an increased chance that you will loose the baby anyway.

1. Get a wash on of your clothes only.

1. Get an online shop ordered for some premade food that you think you can stomach. Include some ginger (ginger biscuits perhaps) as ginger is good for settling the stomach - it might help for short bursts.

1. Tell the boyfriend he has until Sunday night to give the place a full clean (write him a list if necessary) or to pack his bags. If he's not on the tenancy then you should have no trouble 'evicting' him.

1. If the boyfriend won't clean find a cleaning service who will do you a 1 off clean to get the place back to habitable. Concentrate on kitchen, bathroom and your bedroom. Get them to change your sheets if you can't. Yes it will cost money but the boyfriend and lodger can pay their share. You will need to do this anyway to end tenancy and get your deposit back. Might also be worth asking them for a laundry service to get you back to straight.

All the above will hopefully get you in a better place.

Next once you are stronger, give notice on your tenancy, and look for a place you can afford for you and baby.

@Superhanz. Thank you so much for making that point to FlowerArranger as I was going to post the same thing.

@FlowerArranger The OP is 33, she has already had a miscarriage and is suffering badly from "morning" sickness. I am sure that she would not put herself through all that if she didn't want to have a child. If she was not so certain about it and you had put that thought into her head, and if she was not as intelligent as she obviously is, or if she was naive and very vunerable, you could have encouraged her to come to a very final decision about her pregnancy, without you knowing whether at 33 (and having already had fertility problems) she would find a man worthy of her and within her fertility window, who also wanted to have a child. If you have not got an adult's ability to just not say what you feel on one of the most important decisions of someone elses life, at least point out to that person all the potential pros and cons of that decision.

If you are not knowledgeable enough to do that, then please learn to keep your unasked for opinions to yourself. The OP was not asking for advice about whether she should keep her baby, she was asking for advice about whether she should keep her partner! The OP has made it perfectly clear that she wants this baby, so I hope no-one else here is as crass as FlowerArranger has been.

How can you love someone like this? He sounds vile,please don't bring a baby up in a household like this..kick him out and if you can't hopefully you have somewhere to go even if it's just temp. You need looking after and support. If I had any family or friends in this situation I'd help them for sure so really hope you can find a way out, he's a disgrace.

Ultimately love is an action. If your fiancé claims to love you his actions do not match his words.

I would be bringing up the fact that he is not giving the mother of his child a hygienic place to be sick quite bluntly in the first counselling session.

It is time to prioritise yourself and your baby by moving out. Act fully in the best interests of the two of you. Best of luck

@TatianaBis

Honestly OP I don’t think you love him, you just wanted to love something and he was there.

He’s a receptacle of all your love feelings but he’s not initiator of them.

You really wanted a child and now you’ve got one. But you do need to get out of this environment as it’s not even clean.

This just about sums it up, please stop and ask yourself if you love him OP or if you just love the idea of what you want him to be for you.

I love him so much.

Do you? Really? Why?

Read your OP again, & the huge number of ways in which he shows he doesn't take any care of you. Add his revolting lack of domestic responsibility, daily drunkenness, neglect of his mother (& teeth - uuuurrrgh!) & ask yourself again - how on earth can you be in love with this man?

Maybe you have had the best out of him - the baby you long for.
Maybe that's it, & in time, I hope SOON, you will realise that your feelings for him were misplaced, but you are now a busy mother & don't have time to think anything much of him except "thanks for the sperm donation."

I would move out, if you are in a low income you maybe able to get a place through the HA once baby arrives?

If the house is a dirty as you say it is, how to expect to safely bring a newborn into it? If you end up having a c section or even stitches you won’t be able to clean the house for a while and he obviously isn’t going to do it. Loads of people manage to raise a baby without a partner, you don’t need him and he doesn’t love you or he would be looking after you.

Bloody hell this is depressing.

You may love him but he clearly doesn't love you or he would be seeking help and helping you out with all these tasks. As others have said try to find a rental on your own, see what money help you can get and do it on your own if you must.

@Firstchilddue2022 of this sounds really grim. My DP was a little bit...laddish but he's really stepped up since I've become pregnant. I feel so sorry for you - is there anywhere else you can go? Parents ? Friends?

@Firstchilddue2022

This is my first post. We live in a two bed with our housemate and one bathroom because we're low earners. I don't like being sick in a toilet covered in dried on poop. I can't afford to "get rid" of my housemate and he's on the tenancy agreement so I can't kick him out.

I know this isn't the point, and he's a dirty bastard who should absolutely clean up after himself - but putting some nice strong bleach round the bowl will get rid of everything. Just do that. Squeeze it round before you go to bed and in the morning it'll be good as new.

I also do think you should consider moving out, as hygiene is a major issue. But there's no reason you should have a toilet this dirty, no matter how unwell you are.

Being let down suggests you had expectations he and his mate would go through some miraculous change because you were pg.
That was a bit daft to be honest.
Having a baby is an amazing thing for you, them not so much and I doubt things will change with a baby. Make plans to do it on your own

hes never going to change!! ever. been here got the t - shirt

move on/dump him/raise your standards asap = pregnant or not! even single, you will hve an easier ride than hving this dead weight! get rid!

FFS set your standards higher & get some self respect. Get shot of him! Why do women out up with this shit? Really, I despair at such low standards some women have.

Of course he’s ‘depressed’ and not just a lazy arsehole. Amazing how your housemate is the same - presumably also ‘depressed’ and not just a lazy arsehole.

Honestly I’d cut my losses now if I were you. If he can’t maintain even the barest aspects of hygiene when you’re pregnant, how do you think he’ll do when he has a baby to change? To feed? What’s going to happen when you have just given birth and literally can’t get up - you’ll just be expected to to live in filth?

Well he sounds unreasonable and unhelpful of course but if he's genuinely suffering from depression then I think you are also being unreasonable to expect so much.

If you are managing to work a full time job and are not signed off with hyperemisis or on bed rest or whatever then surely you can manage to stick a load of washing on so you can manage your own hygiene or spend 39 seconds making sure the toilet is clean.

No I don't think you should HAVE to do it all, or much if you are very unwell but sounds like you expect to do absolutely nothing aswell, most people have to do the bare minimum with pregnancy, piles, terminal illness etc, you have to battle through im not saying clean the house or cook a meal every night but the fact you can't order a food shop but can post a mumsnet thread is baffling, you both sound very unhelpful to the situation.

Pregnancy is hard. So is having a baby. Sounds like you both need to prioritise some jobs and work out what you can handle cos by the sounds of it you both have the resilience of an ant. I think you are in for a wake up call when baby comes along.

What a situation to bring a baby into.

Also you sound like teenagers with the way you live and both of your attitudes. Why are you bringing a baby into this situation?
The fact your housemate hasn't cleaned the toilet for 2 years - get some boundaries in place now. Sounds like student accommodation not an adults home.

It makes me so sad that babies are born into these situations.

If he doesn't think cleaning his own teeth is important he's not going to do a child's is he?
You have choices. But sadly I suspect you won't take them, you'll carry on and in a years time you'll post wondering why you're doing everything alone and your fiance is a shit husband. And you'll get upset when everyone says 'what did you expect'.

God its so sad

I'm currently 7 weeks pregnant with twins and I've barely been able to get out of bed for a week except to run to the toilet. My DH is currently providing 90% of the care for our two toddlers, keeping on top of the house (not to my standards but I would never say that to him obv) walking the dog and trying to look after me and be sympathetic.

If he can manage it and look after two kids then your DP really doesn't have much of an excuse. My DH isint a superhero, just a decent man who knows that these things need to be done in life, after the kids are in bed he's happy to relax with a couple of beers and play a game in the laptop to unwind.

Sorry OP but you're in dangerous territory here. Unless he really sorts himself out (and work out an arrangement to get rid of the manky flatmate) then you will be better off as a single mum.

I speak from experience- you’ll be much better on your own, so you can prepare for life as a single mum. The resentment of him doing nothing when you’re exhausted with a baby (and later with a child) will be excruciating.

@Briarshollow

Oh my, what a set up. Your partner/boyfriend is an alcoholic, he doesn’t brush his teeth, you live in a tiny house with a housemate and only one bathroom, it sounds like it’s all in disarray and you’re sick as a dog from pregnancy and he’s doing nothing.

I think you probably need to kick him out, he sounds frankly, disgusting. Your desire for a baby has not just clouded your judgement, I think it’s obscured it. Be prepared to do this alone because he doesn’t sound like a clean and decent person, let alone a good father. How often can he possibly see his existing daughter?

I’m sorry if this is too direct but your situation sounds truly awful.

Agreed.