Pregnant, feel let down by my fiancé and thinking of moving out.

[Firstchilddue2022]

Fiancé and I have been together 2 and a half years. He is 27 and has a daughter from an ex who lives overseas. I'm 33 and expecting my first baby in August. The first trimester is kicking my butt... Literally. I'm currently bed bound with morning sickness and (TMI alert) am not sleeping well due to a huge haemorrhoid caused by gnarly constipation. I'm also coming out in rashes on my arms.

Fiancé and I both work full time and I have always done the majority of the housework. I realise now how much of a mistake that was. Since the morning sickness got very bad 3 weeks ago I've been focusing on trying to work and take care of myself. I hoped fiancé would pick up the slack, at first he did quite well but after a week and a half he started to do much less. Now he will cook a nutritional meal maybe twice a week. He's not done a weekly shop yet only a shop to last a day or two. As a result I've had to order a lot of takeaways and it's definitely not helping my constipation.

I am sleeping almost naked in January because I have no clean clothes to wear since he's doing all the laundry. The toilet is too dirty for me to be sick in and the house is generally not in a good state. He's hardly spending any time in the bedroom with me but he always has a spare 3-4hrs every night to watch TV and get drunk. He's not very good at taking responsibility. He often oversleeps and is late for work, he forgets his mums birthday, he always forgets things when shopping and he doesn't brush his teeth every day then gets excruciating toothache that he doesn't see the dentist for.

I'll admit, we have a housemate who I'm 99% sure has never cleaned the bathroom in the 2 years he's lived here. He's never deep cleaned any part of the house and the state of his windowsill got us in trouble with the landlord (mould).

Fiancé has accepted he has depression and WAS trying to seek help. He admits he has a drinking problem but doesn't think its a problem worth addressing in any serious manner even though he knows it upsets me a lot.

I love him so much. I wanted a baby with him to begin with but after the first pregnancy (which ended in a miscarriage) I realised he wasn't exactly what I considered father material. I realise now that we continued trying because I wanted to be a mum. Now I feel let down again and he seems resentful of me doing so little around the house. I tried to take a bin out this week and vomited. He definitely doesn't understand how miserable my condition is making me, nor how much more I need of him.

Am I fighting a losing battle asking him to step up? Am I being too hasty looking to move out? We're starting couples counseling on Monday and I'm hoping it will help but I don't think he's ready or able to make the fundamental changes I need. Am I being unreasonable?

He is lazy, uncaring and abused alcohol. Your living conditions sound grim and YANBU to want to leave, counselling may change some of his habits or communication style but I doubt he will come out of it a different person.

Its fundamentally wrong to be pregnant and ill and have to look after two lazy dirty men.

Is there anywhere else you can stay for a bit while you think about things?

Lastly you can take lactulose for constipation, you can get it over the counter and it's safe in pregnancy, it really helped me (my doctor prescribed it but is cheap enough just to buy without a prescription)

The early stages of pregnancy can be really tough and for me I must admit the housework did slide when it was left all to DH, but not basic things like the toilet being clean, having clothes etc. he loves me and there is no way he would let me live like an animal. He was also by my side when I was sick and in pain, making me food when I could manage it. That’s what a partnership should be. Not getting drunk and leaving you to rot with no clean clothes! I’m appalled at his treatment of you. You say you love him, but does he love you? Would you let someone you love suffer like he has let you?

Here we are again. Pitifully low standards. I honestly weep for what’s happening to the women on here - it’s like someone has blinded them to reality

This. And the saddest thing is the children growing up thinking that this is normal.

Tell him now that at the end of the tenancy you will be moving out and into a nice clean one bed flat for you and the baby. Make it clear that he will not be coming, but if he cares enough about you and your child he will use these two months to step up and show you by his actions, not his words, that he does care and can change. Then you might - might reconsider.

But he won’t. They never do. So expect to be going it alone and mean it.

@VenusClapTrap

Tell him now that at the end of the tenancy you will be moving out and into a nice clean one bed flat for you and the baby. Make it clear that he will not be coming, but if he cares enough about you and your child he will use these two months to step up and show you by his actions, not his words, that he does care and can change. Then you might - might reconsider.

But he won’t. They never do. So expect to be going it alone and mean it.

Absolutely this ^^

Personally though, I could never forgive how he’s treated you, even if he turned on a sixpence tomorrow and miraculously transformed into partner of the year for the next two months. He is spectacularly uncaring.

Are you sure you want to have a baby with this man and in this circumstance?? If you are in the first trimester, there is still time to leave, and to change your pregnancy.

@Firstchilddue2022

I'm sure there are many good fathers with poor dental hygiene. But no I didn't know that before I got pregnant it was a recent discovery after we went away for a weekend and several days later I noticed his toothbrush was still in his bag.

I laughed out loud at this.

I am not sure this post is real.

In case it is, YABU for bringing a child into this uncertainty and filth.

@Mummytobe93

This is scary *@Firstchilddue2022* - for the sake of your baby PLEASE start making plans for when the tenancy agreement is due.

This man is not going to change - he doesn’t care about your health & well-being, making you starte at his and his mates dried up shite as you’re being sick in the toilet!

Once the baby is here there will be even MORE laundry, shopping, cleaning to do - all that with you sleep deprived. You will have just enough energy to take care of you and the baby, not additional two adults. Also, I don’t think a health visitor will appropriate this sort of condition…

Have you got any friends/family who can help you?

Absolutely this @Mummytobe93

He can't look after himself, he's choosing not to contribute to the household, even when his partner is sick.

Parenting, lack of sleep, less money etc can cause challenges even in strong healthy relationships. He is only going to be worse when there's a small baby dependant on your both. You will end up doing everything

I also think this is fixable. Yes the op is in a bad situation, but she’s a 33 year old woman who has time to make changes.

Yes this drunk and waster isn’t going to change. Yes life will become very difficult with a new baby in the home.

But she’s only got two months on her lease. She needs to now prioritise her child and herself, find affordable accommodation, work out benefits, child care and basically how to cope.

The current situation is unsustainable, but with a little thought and a lot of action she can resolve this so she can have a stable home environment for her child.

Hi OP not sure why ppl are being quite so harsh. In your situation, fertility-wise etc, it's understandable that you chose to be optimistic about your partner.

The famously noisy 'LTB' brigade on here don't tend to take into account that there's a whole process of trying, negotiating, grieving involved in getting to the point of leaving. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this while pregnant, instead of looking forward to the baby.

That said, it doesn't look good for your future with this man. He needs to sort out his depression, and his drinking, and his lack of care and effort, for his home and for you.

I'd seriously consider finding somewhere for just yourself and the baby, putting him on notice that he has to sort himself out before you can function as a couple.

But whatever you do, don't blame yourself. You were just hoping for the best.

Chuck loads of neat bleach down the toilet now and leave it half an hour - it will do the job on the poop

In your situation, fertility-wise etc, it's understandable that you chose to be optimistic about your partner

Hahahahaha!

In other words women who want babies will choose the next available guy no matter what they're like.

It sounds like, in reality, you can't move out for two months as you'd then be liable for two lots of rent. You're moving in two months anyway as you need somewhere suitable for your baby. You'll probably feel a fair bit better by then, in terms of morning sickness anyway.
So, it's about making a plan for then. In fairness, if you live alone, you'll have to do the laundry, cleaning etc but only for you and the baby.
It's also worth looking at the cocts - can you afford to live alone on maternity leave? Do you have family support? Ue this time to plan what you need. Don't waste money on takeaways you may need for a deposit on a new place (you may not get this one back if your housemates leave it dirty), and order an online shop.

Your partner is upset that your not cleaning the house whilst your feeling ill and vomiting? He drinks and now is telling you he is depressed, funny that his depression stops him caring about you but not enough to be pissed off at the house being dirty as you havent cleaned it...funny that..he sounds like a dreadful partner. He has now shown you he is ...

One a different note why have you been acting like a housekeeper for these two adults?

*costs

if the tenancy ends in two months, that sounds like a natural break.
good luck with getting the deposit back if poor hygeine has led to problems with damp.
don't renew and saddle yourself wiht these two lazy gits for a further period.

Get out while you can. Otherwise you absolutely will end up being cook, maid, cleaner, servant to two grown men who can't be arsed, whilst trying to manage a baby. It's untenable.

He doesn't love you, if he did, he wouldn't treat you like this. You deserve better than someone who won't even brush their teeth for days at a time, but can sit and drink.

You won't have the time, the energy or the inclination to tolerate it once you are exhausted from late pregnancy and new baby. If you stay, hormones will cleave you to him initially once the baby is born. But after a day, week, month or so of the exhaustion, whilst living in a hovel surrounded by dirty men, you will want to protect your baby and escape.

If he won't brush his teeth, he's not likely to start getting up in the night, sterilising dummies and changing nappies.

Both your fiancee and lodger are not going to change now. They partern is too set in now. I suggest you give notice on this flat and get a studio flat or 1 bed for you and baby. Thats the only way you will stay sane. You dont have to break up with your fiancee. He needs to get himself together then you can rethink living arrangements. Its only going to get 100 times worse if you stay like this. You can come off the tenancy and the fiancee can go on?

@Firstchilddue2022

The property isn't suitable for a baby. Noisy neighbours and its too expensive for me to maintain on my own. Also. Can't just kick my housemate out.

You need to move out and let them stay. You have enough time to sort this before baby comes

I've never met someone who doesn't brush their teeth every day. Sounds vile. No wonder you feel so sick. You need to be realistic here and go it alone. This is not a good environment for a baby.

He can’t be trusted to clean his own teeth, drinks, can’t put a wash on and doesn’t clean the loo. Get rid of him, your baby deserves better.

You’ve been together for 2.5 years, that’s absolutely no time at all.
How long have you been engaged for?

You definitely need to remove yourself from this situation, he sounds awful.

You had a baby with a man who already has a child oversea who I assume doesn't see and got pregnant in a relatively new relationship. I think its a case of leaving and carving your own life for you and your child.

2 things

A) Get to the GP and don't take no for an answer. My friend had the most horrendous morning sickness. Well, it wasn't just morning sickness it was hyperemesis. She worked her way through various drugs finally ending up on ondansetron which helped sufficiently to enable her to work. No-one needs to be bed-bound with morning sickness these days unless they have a GP who is out of date as far as drugs available are concerned or they're not pushing enough to get treated by their GP.

B) much as you want to be a mum, what you're actually heading for is being a single mum and that's a whole different ball game. Even if you marry this prince amongst men (NOT !) you'll effectively just be a single mum to a small child, and to the 2 slovenly teenage minded man-children that you're living with.

Your fiance also presumably already has to provide financial support for his first child.

At 33 I don't know if I'd have a termination but if I were 5 years younger and in your current situation I would.

Just make sure you go into it with your eyes wide open and realise that you'll be a single mum in all but name.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh. It's kindly mean't.