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Original poster

Pregnant, feel let down by my fiancé and thinking of moving out.

303 replies

Firstchilddue2022 · 27/01/2022 05:14

Fiancé and I have been together 2 and a half years. He is 27 and has a daughter from an ex who lives overseas. I'm 33 and expecting my first baby in August. The first trimester is kicking my butt... Literally. I'm currently bed bound with morning sickness and (TMI alert) am not sleeping well due to a huge haemorrhoid caused by gnarly constipation. I'm also coming out in rashes on my arms.

Fiancé and I both work full time and I have always done the majority of the housework. I realise now how much of a mistake that was. Since the morning sickness got very bad 3 weeks ago I've been focusing on trying to work and take care of myself. I hoped fiancé would pick up the slack, at first he did quite well but after a week and a half he started to do much less. Now he will cook a nutritional meal maybe twice a week. He's not done a weekly shop yet only a shop to last a day or two. As a result I've had to order a lot of takeaways and it's definitely not helping my constipation.

I am sleeping almost naked in January because I have no clean clothes to wear since he's doing all the laundry. The toilet is too dirty for me to be sick in and the house is generally not in a good state. He's hardly spending any time in the bedroom with me but he always has a spare 3-4hrs every night to watch TV and get drunk. He's not very good at taking responsibility. He often oversleeps and is late for work, he forgets his mums birthday, he always forgets things when shopping and he doesn't brush his teeth every day then gets excruciating toothache that he doesn't see the dentist for.

I'll admit, we have a housemate who I'm 99% sure has never cleaned the bathroom in the 2 years he's lived here. He's never deep cleaned any part of the house and the state of his windowsill got us in trouble with the landlord (mould).

Fiancé has accepted he has depression and WAS trying to seek help. He admits he has a drinking problem but doesn't think its a problem worth addressing in any serious manner even though he knows it upsets me a lot.

I love him so much. I wanted a baby with him to begin with but after the first pregnancy (which ended in a miscarriage) I realised he wasn't exactly what I considered father material. I realise now that we continued trying because I wanted to be a mum. Now I feel let down again and he seems resentful of me doing so little around the house. I tried to take a bin out this week and vomited. He definitely doesn't understand how miserable my condition is making me, nor how much more I need of him.

Am I fighting a losing battle asking him to step up? Am I being too hasty looking to move out? We're starting couples counseling on Monday and I'm hoping it will help but I don't think he's ready or able to make the fundamental changes I need. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
NotNowAlan · 27/01/2022 07:32

The problems didn't really come to the fore until I started having morning sickness. translates as: while I was doing everything for these two men - cleaning, cooking, laundry etc - I could pretend I was in a good relationship. Now I really need some care and support and I can't do everything, they refuse to step up and do even their fair share and it's obvious my partner doesn't care about me at all.

Your partner doesn't want an equal relationship, he wants a mummy to run around after him, tell him he's going to be late for school, remind him to brush his teeth. How can you possibly be attracted to this man child?

This is only going to get worse when the baby arrives. You need to start putting yourself first - think long and hard about what's best for you and the baby, and start planning your escape.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 27/01/2022 07:33

If you only have 2 month left on tenancy then I would start looking for a place to live alone. Start reviewing your finances and plan for going it alone.

Then have one last honest talk with your partner, you will be even more vunerable after giving birth, your baby deserves to be in a safe clean environment. But honestly from what you said he is unlikely to step up.

PermanentTemporary · 27/01/2022 07:33

Do an online shop because someone needs to buy better cheaper food. Just notice who is having to step up and in what circumstances.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 27/01/2022 07:38

If you can order a takeaway, then why can't you order a Tesco delivery?? Plan a weekly shop and shop online. Much cheaper than takeaways.

Then draw up a rota for household chores and insists that everyone sticks to it.

MrsToothyBitch · 27/01/2022 07:38

I would start planning for living elsewhere beyond the end of this tenancy, sorry. He sounds like he will be very hard work and not especially helpful. It's tough by yourself but it's also half the work, if you see what I mean. You've also seen him parent now- think hard about naming him on bc.

That said, have you spoken to him about needing to keep on top of this stuff? He might need some pointers to get started. I'd start by issuing a time table of what you want done when and to what standard. If he has 3-4hrs to get drunk every night, he has time to do 30 min-1hr housework. I was really cross reading that. Do an online shop but tell him to put it away, too. If he can't stick to this stuff, I really would think twice about continuing to live with him.

MrsToothyBitch · 27/01/2022 07:40

If he has 3-4h spare he also has time to cook.

tara66 · 27/01/2022 07:45

''Landlord only allows two tenants'' you say - so DP isn't even supposed to be in the flat (+ the other tenant doesn't do any cleaning either). Could you and DP be evicted if LL finds out you are breaking terms of lease? If you are so ill who is going to look for other accommodation?? Can you go to relatives alone?

heyitsthistle · 27/01/2022 07:50

If I were you I'd vomit on your fiance and the housemate. At least then they'd probably put a wash on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2022 07:50

With 2 months on the tenancy, you would be best to hand your notice back and discuss the security deposit with the ll. Is the whole amount lodged in your name? You’ve been naive on this score if you haven’t asked for half from the current ‘best man’ flatmate. You may have to negotiate this with the ll and appeal to their better nature, especially due to the current cleanliness. Your fiancé can stay if your flatmate agrees. Otherwise he will have to leave or take on the tenancy.

Gazelda · 27/01/2022 07:51

You can't continue to live in this situation OP. What are your plans when the tenancy finishes? Do you think you'll get your deposit back?

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 27/01/2022 07:54

You made a selfish choice lumbering your child with this waste of air as their father, poor kid is stuck with him for the rest of their life, but what's done is done. Start thinking of your child now. Sling them both out, get a new normal lodger. Stop dripping over how you luuurve this twat, and get moving on making a decent home and life as a single parent, because if you think he'll be any sort of father, you are deluding yourself.

Yeah, I'm being mean, but I've seen the horrible lives some kids live because of their parents choices.

You have time to make the best of it for your baby.

Rosebuud · 27/01/2022 07:59

I'm sure there are many good fathers with poor dental hygiene

I’m sure there are, no matter how disgusting it is. But the key point is this man already has one child who he must barely parent, financially or emotionally . He is also incapable of properly caring for himself and his home environment.

It doesn’t really matter though, what matters is you recognise yoire doing it alone, even if him and his mate are in the property. So as said, thinking through all the financial implications, coping financially on maternity leave, space for the child, child care, protecting them from a father who is a drunk, a hygienic and safe home where a child can be accommodated.

You’re only ten weeks, so have a little time, but not much, and only two months left on the tenancy you need to make plans to move to more suitable accommodation when that ends, something you can afford alone.

This is critical, because the relationship is going to end, babies are very very all consuming and exhausting, this bits the easy bit, and it will be difficult for you to find a lodger with a baby in the house.

Have you started looking for other properties, understood what benefits you can get, how you will deal with child care so you can work?

Just sit and think these things through now.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/01/2022 08:01

It’s never going to get any better than this. Your desperation has led you here unfortunately. You need to leave.

2DogsOnMySofa · 27/01/2022 08:02

He's showing you who he is op. Do you really want this man as a role model for your child? It won't get better when the baby arrives, infact it will only be amplified. You'll end up with 2 people to look after (or maybe 3 if you count the roommate)

In your shoes I'd leave when the tenancy is up, take your deposit and find somewhere else to live. If you still want to be in a relationship with this man you can still do that, but you won't be cleaning up dried on shit every day.

Merryoldgoat · 27/01/2022 08:03

Here we are again. Pitifully low standards. I honestly weep for what’s happening to the women on here - it’s like someone has blinded them to reality.

Rosiiiiie · 27/01/2022 08:10

Oh OP what a shitty situation to be in! I have no doubt you can parent alone. Plenty of women do it everyday and do an amazing job of it!

From a practical point of view, how is your financial situation? Realistically, you can raise a baby in a one bedroom flat for his/her first year or so. They don’t need their own space and they don’t need much (I raised my son in a one bedroom for his first year).

Pregnancy is so tough! I hope things pick up for you in the second trimester!

Mix56 · 27/01/2022 08:12

You deserve better than this.

Mummytobe93 · 27/01/2022 08:13

This is scary @Firstchilddue2022 - for the sake of your baby PLEASE start making plans for when the tenancy agreement is due.

This man is not going to change - he doesn’t care about your health & well-being, making you starte at his and his mates dried up shite as you’re being sick in the toilet!

Once the baby is here there will be even MORE laundry, shopping, cleaning to do - all that with you sleep deprived. You will have just enough energy to take care of you and the baby, not additional two adults. Also, I don’t think a health visitor will appropriate this sort of condition…

Have you got any friends/family who can help you?

RantyAunty · 27/01/2022 08:13

I think it would be wise for you to move out and with only 2 months left on the lease, it would be a good time to.

When you're feeling a bit better, can you look around for a share with another woman or single mum?

It'd be a much better environment.

Mummytobe93 · 27/01/2022 08:14

Will appreciate*

gamerchick · 27/01/2022 08:18

This is your bloke. They rarely change so you have ear choices.

Stay and put up with it. Once you're back on your feet, all of this can become a dream as you'll be able to take back the reins. You'll need a plan for giving birth though as you know you're on your own with the necessaries.

Or you can live seperately, leave him there and get your own pad for you and your baby and definitely not let him wheedle his way in.

Or ditch the scruffy bugger and go it alone.

He's not going to suddenly step up. They never do.

Good luck.

Mummytobe93 · 27/01/2022 08:23

I’m not sure how it works exactly but could you qualify for social housing?

HollowTalk · 27/01/2022 08:25

You know that feeling you have for him? That's not love. Seriously, it's not.

sometimespeopletakethepiss · 27/01/2022 08:27

Sounds like you might need to get used to the idea of single parenting unfortunately. A baby will make this type of guy a thousand times worse.

Iwonder08 · 27/01/2022 08:34

I don't know.. I think it is not a completely lost case. It feels he is immature, but I would try to fix things first given you are pregnant and want to keep the baby.
Don't expect him to guess(he absoultuley should have done though).. Tell him what is wrong and he needs to do exactly to fix it, I.e. Cleaning, cooking, food shopping etc.