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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't/can't get up.

373 replies

Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 17:20

DH is a very deep sleeper who sleeps through alarms and could probably sleep through an earthquake. He works 4 nights a week but always gets his 8 hours in before a shift. This is also a problem when he's off work.

It has become my job to wake him up, the problem is I have to go back in 3 or 4 times before he actually gets up. I wake him, he responds, then as soon as I leave the room he goes back to sleep.

When I return he's wrapped himself back up in the quilt and changed positions.

It's easy to say leave him to it and don't bother but not waking him would impact the rest of the family, me, and also his job.

I've just been to get him up three times for his dinner as requested after he's had his 8 hours sleep.

He's not working tonight so after cooking, cleaning and caring for three children all day including 3mo baby.. I want a bloody break myself.

OP posts:
Just10moreminutesplease · 26/01/2022 22:18

I’m like your husband (except for the sulking and blaming other people for my problems). My mum said I was impossible to wake even as a baby.

Alarms very rarely wake me up and I’ve slept through burglar alarms, fire alarms, a toddler jumping on me, and my own baby crying. It’s embarrassing and concerning in equal measures.

The only thing that reliably wakes me up is needing a wee so I used to down lots of water before bed when I was at university. My alarm tends to work better if I’m desperate for the loo!

My husband very kindly wakes me up now, but he has the patience of a saint. To be fair, I wouldn’t dream of being as rude as your husband and I’ve given him express permission to throw water over me but he’s too nice for that Grin.

In all seriousness though, he can’t hold you responsible for getting him up and sulk if he’s late. He needs to find a solution himself or accept you’re not going to give him a gentle wake up.

2lilcherubs · 26/01/2022 22:18

tell him he cant stand having to wake him. he knows you wont let him sleep in to long so he's using you as his snooze button.

he wont lose his job for being late once... so if it where me id tell him you arent waking him and to use an alarm and leave him. he wont enjoy the feeling of being panicked and rushed when he oversleeps then he wont do it any more.

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 22:20

@Strictlyfanoftenyears

Why dont you swop roles, he looks after the kids and you go out to work?
Ha I've said this myself!

He won't have it, he wouldn't stop working. He'd lose the plot being stuck at home all day so he says.

I'm wanting to get back into work by the time baby is a year old as I did with the older ones.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 22:22

@TatianaBis

Are you really saying that if you didn’t wake him he wouldn’t bother setting himself an alarm and would rather lose his job than get himself out of bed?
Oh he'd set the alarms, he just wouldn't wake up to them. Dead to the world apparently.
OP posts:
TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 26/01/2022 22:22

Sorry OP I have no advice, but you do have my sympathy, I really don't know how you are coping at all.
I just wanted to suggest one health thing you can try to check at home, seeing as he won't go to see the Dr; do you know what neck size he takes in shirts, because a sleep specialist told me that anyone who takes a size 18.5 or larger, will almost certainly have sleep apnea. So if his neck is that size, I wonder if the fear of having sleep apnea would make him go to see his Dr? If it was diagnosed, he would probably be supplied with a CPAP (Constant Positive Airway Pressure) machine, which usually makes a massive difference to the sufferers quality of sleep - it's just a thought though.

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 22:24

@NatashaBedwouldbenice

What does he suggest as a solution?

I think this is completely bonkers on your part.

I told him tonight he needs to get his shit together and asked what he proposes the solution is. He said he doesn't know. If he's got any decency he'll buy himself one of those alarms mentioned up thread. I'll happily send him the links.

Until then, it'll have to be Alexa with the mic muted or a repeat of tonight's finale - reverille blasted on our big speaker placed on the night stand.

I'm not doing the usual routine of going in to him 2,3,4 times anymore though.

OP posts:
Kinko · 26/01/2022 22:25

Get a sonic bomb alarm clock (£39 on amazon).

It's an alarm clock for the hard of hearing. Had it over 10yrs and it's not let me down yet! It flashes, vibrates and makes the most horrendously loud alarm noise.

Put it to the other side of the room. It's a horrible noise to wake up to - but it does work!

readyshreddiescook · 26/01/2022 22:25

Your enabling him. He’s using your fear about him being unemployed to indulge himself. He’s behaved this way with every other person in his life. He’s selfish.

Put up with it or do something drastic. You just seem to be full of excuses as to why you won’t actually tackle the problem head on - which is to leave him to sleep through and not get up for work / dinner.

My husband (then boyfriend) was like this and it did my head in and we rowed about it constantly. In the end, I just left him in bed - yes, he got in trouble at work but after a couple of times, all of a sudden he managed to get up for work. It just takes a couple of reprimandings at work to make him see sense.

Leave him to face his own consequences as he’s clearly not scared of you - but being in trouble with his boss might actually sort him out.

Hightemp · 26/01/2022 22:26

I do think working unsociable hours messes up with sleep patterns. Just wake him up making lots of noise outside his room beforehand!

amusedbush · 26/01/2022 22:27

I know people have mentioned medical issues like OSA but have you considered narcolepsy? Most people (including me until a few years ago) think it's a disorder that makes people randomly fall asleep when triggered by certain things but that's not always the case. I've known people with narcolepsy and a lot of the time it causes excessive sleeping. Like, dead to the world sleeping for 18 hours a day and still feeling tired.

I feel your pain with regard to having a DH who won't see a doctor though. Mine doesn't even have a GP and hasn't had any sort of check up or medical procedure since he was a small child due to a crippling phobia.

Redwinestillfine · 26/01/2022 22:28

Tell him it's stressing you out and e needs to get himself up then leave him. He will only be late once.

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 22:29

@Whydidimarryhim

Ummm it’s all about him isn’t it - what he doesn’t want to do. He’s opting out of family life isn’t he. How is his sleeping when he’s not on nights.
When he's off for the night he stays up all night watching films or playing a game on the PC, that's his leisure time when me and the DC are in bed.

I will give him some credit in that when he's off he does do bulk of the night feeds but that's only because he's up anyway.

If he wasn't already awake and watching films or gaming there's no way he could be depended upon to get up with the baby.

He goes to sleep around 5am then gets up at 10.30 - 11.00am. We spend the late morning and early afternoon doing whatever then he goes back to bed to sleep before his shift.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 22:32

@EveningOverRooftops

If you LTB what would HE do to get himself up?
Tis a good question.

Just before we moved in together he missed our eldests first scan because he couldn't wake to his alarms. He was genuinely devastated about that, so I would hazard a guess that if he lived alone he'd be very late for work if not lose his job completely.

OP posts:
saraclara · 26/01/2022 22:34

Have you tried the pulling the duvet off thing yet? My mum used to do it to me. I hated it, but I couldn't just roll over and pull it over my head any more, and as she'd put it on the landing I had to get up.

Blueuggboots · 26/01/2022 22:37

Old fashioned bell topped alarm clock in a metal biscuit tin......

EveningOverRooftops · 26/01/2022 22:39

My ex missed the 20 week scan different reason ( thought it was a good idea to go out on the piss the night before and come back at 4am. I did LTB, somethings couldn’t be forgiven. He’d also sleep through anything)

Hmm if he’s missed important things like this already then he needs someone to give him a bollocking as to how this is going to affect his kids and their things too. On top of your rage

Missing a class assembly/football match/party because he overslept is going to teach your kids dad makes promises and doesn’t keep them so they won’t trust him to follow through.

This is just a skill he hasn’t learned and hasn’t cared enough about the people around him to learn to be reliable.

Curiousmouse · 26/01/2022 22:44

Does he smoke weed?

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 22:47

No excuses from me, just reasons.

He's out of line whether he can help it or not and I'm sick of it. Really sick of it.

I've already explained why I've enabled it thus far and that's because we depend on him keeping his job and on the days he's off i expect a hand with the children which is only right.

None of my enabling has been for his benefit. Not one bit.

However, I've put my foot down and said I'm not making myself responsible for waking him personally anymore and I will not be repeatedly coming into the bedroom to check he's getting up.

OP posts:
Snow1n · 26/01/2022 22:48

So is his sleep always broken into 2 bits? When my dh did nights he stayed awake until lunchtime, had his dinner etc then went to bed. He woke then and got up and ready for his nightshift as if he was doing a day shift, then he got 8/9 hours uninterrupted sleep.

TatianaBis · 26/01/2022 22:48

Oh he'd set the alarms, he just wouldn't wake up to them. Dead to the world apparently.

So how many times would he lose his job before finding a solution? Likely only once.

GrazingSheep · 26/01/2022 22:49

So what exactly does he bring to your life? Very little from what you have said here ...

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 22:49

I have tried the pulling the duvet from him yes, he just rolls over and back to sleep.

does he smoke weed?

No, never. He is totally straight edge. Doesn't like nor do drugs and only ever has the odd drink on special occasions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 22:51

@GrazingSheep

So what exactly does he bring to your life? Very little from what you have said here ...
Plenty, but people don't tend to post about the good parts when they're having a rant do they?
OP posts:
Ourlady · 26/01/2022 22:51

Take the duvet, take the pillows, open all the windows and curtains and leave him to it.

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 22:54

@Snow1n

So is his sleep always broken into 2 bits? When my dh did nights he stayed awake until lunchtime, had his dinner etc then went to bed. He woke then and got up and ready for his nightshift as if he was doing a day shift, then he got 8/9 hours uninterrupted sleep.
When he's off work the night before yes.

Stays up until 5ish, sleeps until 10.30 - 11.00 then back to bed later on before work.

When he has been at work and due in again the following night he sleeps in one stretch.

OP posts:
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