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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't/can't get up.

373 replies

Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 17:20

DH is a very deep sleeper who sleeps through alarms and could probably sleep through an earthquake. He works 4 nights a week but always gets his 8 hours in before a shift. This is also a problem when he's off work.

It has become my job to wake him up, the problem is I have to go back in 3 or 4 times before he actually gets up. I wake him, he responds, then as soon as I leave the room he goes back to sleep.

When I return he's wrapped himself back up in the quilt and changed positions.

It's easy to say leave him to it and don't bother but not waking him would impact the rest of the family, me, and also his job.

I've just been to get him up three times for his dinner as requested after he's had his 8 hours sleep.

He's not working tonight so after cooking, cleaning and caring for three children all day including 3mo baby.. I want a bloody break myself.

OP posts:
SmellyOldOwls · 26/01/2022 21:44

Have you got Alexa? Put it in the bedroom and talk to it through the app. Set it somewhere he can't reach it and press the button that turns listening off. Blast music through it, alarms, send messages 'get up it's 7pm' etc all without having to go into the bedroom

MaybeHeIsMyCat · 26/01/2022 21:44

I sleep through alarms, have overslept for work, appointments, you name it

What did I do?
I set 10 alarms on my phone 5 mins apart, all with different sounds. I also have a separate alarm which is set for the time I HAVE to get up and is an old fashioned metal alarm clock from eBay

Birdles52 · 26/01/2022 21:45

I had similar with my dh-although no night shifts.

I told him straight one day-I felt like his mum trying to get a teenager out of bed.

That seemed to shake it out of him.

I like the Alexa idea though. Reckon that’d work.

Kassalah · 26/01/2022 21:45

Try letting him get 9 hours sleep and see if that helps.

SmellyOldOwls · 26/01/2022 21:47

@Beancounter1

No-one seems to have mentioned that 8 hours sleep may not be enough for him. 8 hours may be a kind of average minimum for most people, but some people naturally need more. I need 10 hours per night, always have. Bed by 10pm to get up at 8am.

Change the routine so that he gets to bed earlier. What actual hours does he work and when does he get back home or have to go to work?

Aw the poor little lamb not getting his 10 hours of sleep Sad wonder how many hours OP gets through the night on her own with a baby?
Thevengabusiscoming · 26/01/2022 21:47

He needs to use a REM sleep calculator online. I used to be the same (though I had to get myself up) and doesn’t matter how much sleep I got I would feel terrible and keep falling back to sleep. I wait til the time it tells me to go to sleep and set a alarm for when to wake up. It has changed my life

Goldbar · 26/01/2022 21:48

Get a karaoke machine and have a mini sing song and disco in your bedroom with the kids when it's time for him to get up. Until he gets out of bed. Encourage them to leap around on the bed and dance around the room as much as they want. Some drums/cymbals next to his head would also be good.

It might not make him take responsibility but it will be good fun for the kids and might make you feel a bit less stressed.

Ugzbugz · 26/01/2022 21:48

He would help up because he wouldn't survive on JSA.

He may need more than 8 hours to. I generally need more some nights and always need to snooze 2 to 3 times before getting up. I hate alarms but I have no one to rely on and yep I've turned it off by mistake and slept in!

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 21:48

@AllTheYoungGoodyTwoShoes

If he is not working tonight he should be getting up early after his last night, not sleeping for 8 hours. My DH and I both work shifts including nights, you have to up early to get back into a routine and get on with stuff.
Yes that's what I was expecting him to do.

He sleeps all day then works all night, it's not fair towards me or the children if he spends what little time he does have available - sleeping.

OP posts:
middleager · 26/01/2022 21:48

Screw that for a game of soldiers.
You asked upthread what he would do if you weren't there, but that's the problem, while you are there, he won't do it.

I speak from bitter experience, having allowed myself to be loaded up like a packhorse for 15 years, thinking DH couldn't possibly sort out all the life admin and food shopping etc. Like a martyr I took this on, despite working and doing all.school runs etc. When we met, he was a single guy managing all aspects of his home and life. Yet, he became my third son.

Now I'm nearly 50 and I'm done. Don't be me.

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 21:49

@Goldbar

Get a karaoke machine and have a mini sing song and disco in your bedroom with the kids when it's time for him to get up. Until he gets out of bed. Encourage them to leap around on the bed and dance around the room as much as they want. Some drums/cymbals next to his head would also be good.

It might not make him take responsibility but it will be good fun for the kids and might make you feel a bit less stressed.

We did that this evening, just outside the bedroom door. Music blasting, loud singing, clapping, kids shrieking Grin

No response from him at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 21:51

wonder how many hours OP gets through the night on her own with a baby?

Neither 8 nor 10 I can tell you that much

OP posts:
Tallisimo · 26/01/2022 21:51

Time he took responsibility for himself. He’s an adult, he must know he needs to address this.

Newbabynewhouse · 26/01/2022 21:53

You should not be hindering your day waking a grown man up 4 times!! You have to break the habit...if you tell him you will no longer wake him from now on, he will have to deal with the reuslts of his actions when he doesn't wake on time!! He will find a way then!

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 26/01/2022 21:57

Why dont you swop roles, he looks after the kids and you go out to work?

tkwal · 26/01/2022 21:57

Get an air horn or a very bouncy puppy or just tell him once and let him deal with the ensuing chaos if he doesn't move. Seriously, you're not his Mum , he won't make a habit of being late to work

redeyedmonsterzzz · 26/01/2022 21:58

My downstairs neighbour slept through workmen knocking down a brick wall in my flat. I can hear his alarm on the other side of the building, it is as loud as his fire alarm! Thankfully he gets up at least an hour later than me...

Coconuttts · 26/01/2022 22:01

He sounds like my 13 yo DS!

TatianaBis · 26/01/2022 22:05

Are you really saying that if you didn’t wake him he wouldn’t bother setting himself an alarm and would rather lose his job than get himself out of bed?

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 26/01/2022 22:06

What does he suggest as a solution?

I think this is completely bonkers on your part.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 26/01/2022 22:09

My DF was a famously heavy sleeper. He slept through part of the roof coming down on him when a tree fell on it. He was staying with his parents at the time, and his mother thought he must be dead. Nope - he was completely unhurt, just still asleep.

But he still managed to train himself to get up, with a series of alarm clocks and (this was in the 80s) automatic phone calls, like the ones you can get in hotels.

From your DH's point of view, he has fixed the problem. But he has done so by handing it to you. You need to hand it back. Don't bother finding alarms, setting up Alexa etc. That's counter- productive, because you're reinforcing the belief that it's your problem to fix. Well done for telling him that the problem's got to stop. Now he - not you - needs to work out how he solves it.

Whydidimarryhim · 26/01/2022 22:10

Ummm it’s all about him isn’t it - what he doesn’t want to do. He’s opting out of family life isn’t he. How is his sleeping when he’s not on nights.

SunshineOnKeith · 26/01/2022 22:10

@NatashaBedwouldbenice

What does he suggest as a solution?

I think this is completely bonkers on your part.

This I don't understand why this is your problems to solve? What is he doing to take responsibility for getting up @Mulberr663 ? Has he bought a windup alarm clock and put it across the room or set a repeating alarm?

Why is it your job to manage an adult man?

EveningOverRooftops · 26/01/2022 22:15

If you LTB what would HE do to get himself up?

velvet24 · 26/01/2022 22:16

Blimey its like waking a teenager, hes a grown adult?