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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't/can't get up.

373 replies

Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 17:20

DH is a very deep sleeper who sleeps through alarms and could probably sleep through an earthquake. He works 4 nights a week but always gets his 8 hours in before a shift. This is also a problem when he's off work.

It has become my job to wake him up, the problem is I have to go back in 3 or 4 times before he actually gets up. I wake him, he responds, then as soon as I leave the room he goes back to sleep.

When I return he's wrapped himself back up in the quilt and changed positions.

It's easy to say leave him to it and don't bother but not waking him would impact the rest of the family, me, and also his job.

I've just been to get him up three times for his dinner as requested after he's had his 8 hours sleep.

He's not working tonight so after cooking, cleaning and caring for three children all day including 3mo baby.. I want a bloody break myself.

OP posts:
notordinary · 26/01/2022 21:14

@RampantIvy

DD has CFS and sleeps through alarms. Obviously shift working won't help, but could there be undiagnosed medical issues that cause him to sleep so deeply?
This
BFPDec21 · 26/01/2022 21:16

Are you sure it's not a medical issue? My DH is like this and it is most definitely medical.

No solutions, I just feel your pain!

kagerou · 26/01/2022 21:16

Try calling his mobile phone if he sleeps near it, repeatedly, and maybe change the ringtone to something horrendous every so often to keep him on his toes.

That way you don't need to go upstairs too.

MananaTomorrow · 26/01/2022 21:21

[quote Mulberr663]@SecretDoor

He scored 11 on that screening test, but puts it down to the fact he's a night worker.

He's now moaning saying he hasn't got sleep apnoea he's probably just sleep deprived over the course of the years. He gets more bloody sleep than I do.[/quote]
To be fair, working nights DOES have a huge impact in the body as the quality of sleep people get during the day is never as good as if they are sleeping at night. So the same number of hours of sleep doesn’t equate the same amount if rest/recovery iyswim.

However, not everyone who sleeps nights can’t get up.
And his ‘issues’ predates him working nights, so…..

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 21:23

I've no way of knowing for certain whether it's a medical issue or not because the man hasn't stepped foot in a doctors surgery for 7 odd years.

His head would need to be half hanging off before he would.

There's another issue I've been pushing him to have looked at for years but he refuses.

To the best of my knowledge there are no medical conditions but who knows really.

OP posts:
romdowa · 26/01/2022 21:24

My oh was like this , I had to wake him several times to get him up. A few months back I left him sleep , he was late for work when he finally woke and had to face his boss for being so late. Amazingly he got himself a better alarm and it was never an issue again. I told him he had to sort it as I was done being his alarm clock.

Dotty1969 · 26/01/2022 21:25

not read the whole thread, only your messages
You are enabling him!
You, and everyone before you have been trying and it STILL doesn't work!
Wake up! Stop!! Let him be late!
You say you love him etc, but to be honest, he sounds like a arse!
He's a grown man!!

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 21:28

I've told him tonight that it ends now and I'm not going to be getting him up anymore so he needs to sort his shit out and feel the consequences of his actions if needs be.

The thought fills me with dread as I know for sure that he was spoken to about lateness last year when he wouldn't/couldn't get out of bed. There was a disciplinary scheduled but he claimed it was written off.

OP posts:
Beancounter1 · 26/01/2022 21:29

No-one seems to have mentioned that 8 hours sleep may not be enough for him. 8 hours may be a kind of average minimum for most people, but some people naturally need more.
I need 10 hours per night, always have. Bed by 10pm to get up at 8am.

Change the routine so that he gets to bed earlier. What actual hours does he work and when does he get back home or have to go to work?

UndertheCedartree · 26/01/2022 21:29

When you sleep in the day it is never the same as sleeping at night you just don't sleep properly. And then it's a nightmare to get back into being awake in the day. That's my experience, anyway so I have some sympathy. However, he is an adult and needs to find a way to wake himself. It can't be solely down to you. It drives me up the wall having to keep waking my teen up so I have sympathy for you too.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 26/01/2022 21:29

I've been married a long, long time. My DH was (unbeknownst to me) his mammy's little Prince when we got married. He expected this sort of treatment too. Sod that for a game of soldiers. I am not here to wait on him hand and foot. I am a SAHM so do all the wife work and I let him know timings. After that it's time for him to turn up or not.

Before anyone starts on me then YES OBVIOUSLY if he has been up through the night on some sort of emergency I will support him but apart from that it's not my job to get him to work/the dentist/etc on time. Particularly work. He is highly qualified and highly experience ]do in what he does. He got there without me and he functions at a high level there without me. He doesn't need me buzzing around at home to keep him there.

Incidentally, DH is late for many things but not for care home visits to his mam, golf tee off times or meetings with two important clients. That's because experience has taught him that those things won't wait for him. You arrive on time or you miss out. That's showed me that for him being late is a choice and a clear indicator of priorities.

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 21:30

I have been enabling it yes, for mine and the children's sake. Not his.

When your home and bills depend on his share of the money then it's extremely worrying when that is put in jeopardy.

I think most people would sooner inconvenience themselves than risk falling into debt.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 26/01/2022 21:31

One of my kids is a bit like this. It’s not the same with a teenager, but it’s still bloody annoying to have to go in 3 times to make sure they get up.

What I’ve agreed with mine is that I will wake them and they will get out of bed then and there. Bringing in a warm damp flannel to wipe their face with has also helped.

They still need me to get them up (they just sleep through alarm clocks). But I only have to go in once and wake them, I’ve made it their responsibility to actually get up.

What I would find infuriating about your situation, OP, isn’t so much that they’re a deep sleeper and find it hard. IT’s that they are taking no responsibility for making it as easy for you to help them as they can. It’s really entitled to not be looking into alarm clocks, possible medical issues, ways to mitigate, etc. and simply expect you to keep on doing the work and putting up with them checking out of their family responsibilities too.

I would be asking them why they think it’s okay to put it all on you.

UndertheCedartree · 26/01/2022 21:32

So I agree he needs more than 8 hours sleep if 8 hours is what he would need at night.

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 21:33

@Beancounter1

No-one seems to have mentioned that 8 hours sleep may not be enough for him. 8 hours may be a kind of average minimum for most people, but some people naturally need more. I need 10 hours per night, always have. Bed by 10pm to get up at 8am.

Change the routine so that he gets to bed earlier. What actual hours does he work and when does he get back home or have to go to work?

Work at 9pm until 7am, four times per week. He has two consecutive nights off (Sunday and Monday) back in Tuesday then off again Wednesday.

He gets home at around 8 has something to eat and a shower then goes to bed until 4, 5 or 6.

OP posts:
estellacruella · 26/01/2022 21:35

my sister's boyfriend literally sleeps every second he isnt working he starts at 5am till 2pm and goes to bed the second he gets home gets up around 10pm for something to eat then goes straight back to bed he does this sunday to friday only day he is up and about is a Saturday. he doesn't even have a very physical stressful job i think he is just lazy qnd does it too avoid dealing with day to day life

HollaHolla · 26/01/2022 21:35

TBF, I am a really deep sleeper (partly medication for another condition, which makes me sleepy - and chronic pain, so I'm exhausted.) I sleep through alarms a couple of relatively significant earthquakes (in NZ/Greece), hate getting up, etc. BUT I live alone, so I've no other options, but to find strategies. I have 4 alarms, for mornings when I have to be up early, 2 or 3 the rest of the time. I set them at 5-10 min intervals, and the last two far enough away from the bed, that I have to get up to switch them off. I'd suggest that - or if he doesn't get up, he misses dinner, or the likes. I'd still work at getting him up for work, as you probably can't afford for him to lose his job.

When I lived at home, my Mum used to come and take my duvet away to make me get up for school, so it's always been an issue!

Briony123 · 26/01/2022 21:37

Pull the covers off and leave them on the landing.

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 21:38

@UndertheCedartree

So I agree he needs more than 8 hours sleep if 8 hours is what he would need at night.
Don't most of us need atleast 8 hours?

Unfortunately 3 children and other responsibilities don't always permit it.

Imagine if I wouldn't or couldn't get out of bed and left the baby to scream with hunger all night? It wouldn't wash.

He has an obligation to be a present parent as much as if not more than a night worker (which he could switch but won't)

OP posts:
Christinatherabbit · 26/01/2022 21:38

I have no solution but would love one myself for my DH who I have the same issues with 🤦‍♀️

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 26/01/2022 21:40

@Mulberr663

I have been enabling it yes, for mine and the children's sake. Not his.

When your home and bills depend on his share of the money then it's extremely worrying when that is put in jeopardy.

I think most people would sooner inconvenience themselves than risk falling into debt.

You are right. Most people would absolutely rather inconvenience themselves than risk their job (see my earlier message about my husband). I'm sure your husband is the same. One bollocking from a boss or a lost contract from an important client is a life lesson learned and will help him get up on time in the future. You are not his mum!
Tomlettegregg · 26/01/2022 21:40

@Beancounter1I'm sorry but most people can't afford 10 hours sleep. I don't know anyone with kids who can get up at 8am unless the kids go to bed at 10pm which is the same time as your own bed..

Of course it's not ideal to get little sleep but i would imagine 8 hours is more than 80% of the population

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 21:40

@Christinatherabbit

I have no solution but would love one myself for my DH who I have the same issues with 🤦‍♀️
Relieved im not alone but gutted for those of you who have to deal with it to.

It's like water torture to me at the moment. Drip drip drip. Constant and grating.

OP posts:
Fallsballs · 26/01/2022 21:43

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet but have you considered this could go on for years if you keep enabling him ? Can you imagine your future with another few decades of this ?

AllTheYoungGoodyTwoShoes · 26/01/2022 21:44

If he is not working tonight he should be getting up early after his last night, not sleeping for 8 hours. My DH and I both work shifts including nights, you have to up early to get back into a routine and get on with stuff.