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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy clothes for a baby even though I’m not pregnant

565 replies

somegirlontheinter · 26/01/2022 16:28

I’m 29 and very broody. We can’t have a baby yet as we need to save money to raise them, feed them and send them to school. I have £5k in savings. We’d also really like to move up the property ladder. My SO and I need to complete postgrad exams in order to advance in our profession (£2-3k each). We do not share our disposable income and never will do.

I am so looking forward to having a baby one day. Sometimes I see baby clothes that are just so cute, I feel like I have to buy them or I’ll never see them again. I’ve spent probably £2-3k on baby clothes in the 3 years, I’d say around half on sale. My SO is upset because he feels that I’m throwing money away. He’s managed to save quite a bit already which will cover a few years of education. I feel that we are technically saving money by front loading the cost of this necessity. I think it’s such a non issue and it’s quite smart tbh. We have a shared budget of £50k for offspring and I can definitely save this by the time I’m 35 (it will take me 30 months to save £25k). Surely it only matters that I eventually save the money, not that I save it at the same rate as him.

We’ve been together since we were 18 and we’ve always agreed about money and spending. But as we age, he’s becoming very anxious and extra cautious about the cost of having a family and he can be quite stubborn e.g. a child will survive with free education as I did, they don’t definitely need savings accounts from birth etc. He’s taking it a little too seriously because many people don’t save so much before starting a family.

We’ve bickered about this quite a bit and it really winds me up. I feel like the arguments are getting worse about such a minor issue. Is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:
GrannyMack63 · 26/01/2022 18:04

So, setting aside the money you've spent how can you possibly know what will fit and when. You might find yourself with clothes that are out of sync with size and season. Plus unless they are all unisex then potentially 50% of them won't suit.

DaveGahansRealWife · 26/01/2022 18:06

Many would consider that bad luck to do ahead of time.

bubblesbubbles11 · 26/01/2022 18:07

I have not read the whole thread.
But I think what you are doing is crazy.

I know some new mums love to dress up their baby. But I for one (and I know many many others) found that once my newborns had arrived they pretty much lived in baby grows for ease of nappy change / laundry etc.

OP your posts read like a person who literally spends all of their life savings and then takes out a loan to spend more on a wedding to someone they don't know too well.

Clothes (and the "fairytale wedding") are often mistaking the wood for the trees.

I think your time would be better spent doing something like making friends with someone with a newborn and ask to watch them look after that newborn or maybe volunteering at a local hospital on the maternity ward or similar (if that is possible) just so you get a clear idea how much time you would really have to put your baby (once you get one, if you get one) in all the different outfits you have bought.

Lemonsandlemonade · 26/01/2022 18:08

If this is real YABU for lots of reasons, after 5 years of trying and a round of IVF I’m luck I got my miracle I know of many people who try for many more years etc.

Don’t take for granted that TTC and having a baby will be easy. Also will you still like the clothes in a few years of it took you that long to conceive? Fashions change. Also how do you buy things when you don’t know the sex of this hypothetical baby.

godmum56 · 26/01/2022 18:10

its not smart. Its not normal. From my professional experience, such spending is a red flag for a stress related mental health issue.... I seriously think you should look at getting help.

www.verywellmind.com/shopping-addiction-4157288

Tullig · 26/01/2022 18:13

Are you sure you actually want to have a child? Because if you've agreed not to have one until you've both amassed a specific amount in savings, you're actively pushing that date back significantly by your spending. On the hypothetical baby who won't come into existence until you stop blowing cash on baby clothes.

In the nicest possible way, I think you should sell the clothes you've amassed, and invest the proceeds in therapy. You sound as if you have a very fixed inner narrative about your life that is no longer working for you, and that would benefit from being interrogated.

christmaslights4 · 26/01/2022 18:14

i think it's a good idea of yours to buy some in advance so you don't have to buy them when you do actually have a baby, but i think 2-3k is a bit much just on clothes

DueyCheatemAndHow · 26/01/2022 18:15

God I was about to say YANBU - I bought a Winnie the Pooh book before I was pregnant.

But 2-3k??? How? This is crazy. Your baby may never fit into them

This is madness

WeWashEverythingExceptLaundry · 26/01/2022 18:17

There's a lot going on here.

I can't help feeling that your spending is, at least in part, some kind of rebellion against your partner's strictures and decrees re what needs to be saved up before you can think about having a child.

Whose idea was the completely separate finances? His, I take it?

WonderfulYou · 26/01/2022 18:20

I’ve spent probably £2-3k on baby clothes in the 3 years

I actually think you need some therapy OP.

The maternal instinct is a natural instinct but sometimes it can become too much and almost becomes an addiction.
Just like when people are obsessed with their weight, cleaning, having things in a certain place etc - they are conditions which often need help.

I don’t ever see baby clothes as I don’t have a baby so you must be looking for these to find the special pieces.

I’m really surprised your partner has stayed with you as you’re essentially choosing your obsession over him.

I absolutely love the idea of knitting!!

PinkSyCo · 26/01/2022 18:20

You are crazy to have spent so much money on baby clothes when you’re not even pregnant!!! I can’t believe you think you are being smart, when that money could have gone into your savings account and possibly earned interest. Half of those clothes you’ve bought will probably never get worn anyway. Have you considered that babies are different ages in different seasons and that usually lots of clothes are bought by friends and family as gifts for baby so that you have clothes coming out of your ears. Plus you’ve taken the fun of buying clothes for the baby when you actually are expecting one, though I’m guessing that the fact that you already have thousands of pounds worth is not going to stop you buying more. Confused

Jumpalicious · 26/01/2022 18:21

@SummerHouse

DS is 12. I doubt that I have spent 3k on cloths in his lifetime.
This… op 💐
CaMePlaitPas · 26/01/2022 18:21

You could have put that 3k in an account to support them at school or something.

3k for baby clothes when they barely stay the same size for 4 weeks is absolutely insane.

veevee04 · 26/01/2022 18:21

Baby clothes are a waste of money my DD used to fidget in anything but a vest and sleep suit which cost pennies to buy if I have a second I won't be wasting clothes they grow out of in 3 months.

DePfeffoff · 26/01/2022 18:23

@somegirlontheinter

Just to clarify, I don’t even have that many items. But one item, like a dungaree set, can be £30 these days! I can always sell them if I’m infertile, I thought.
No baby needs a #30 dungaree set. It'll only get puked and weed on within a few minutes of being put on. Honestly, you need to wait till you have a baby, you'll have a much more realistic idea of what they need then.
peachesarenom · 26/01/2022 18:23

I had a baby at 35, I advise trying to start earlier, it'll give you a lot more options when you consider how/if you want to grow your family x

Disneyblueeyes · 26/01/2022 18:24

Erm

What?

Sausagesausagesausage · 26/01/2022 18:25

I think you need some help with your baby obsession and your spending. If this was reversed and a man had done this we'd all be telling you to run for the hills or asking if you've got the ick yet.

Kudupoo · 26/01/2022 18:25

Buying baby clothes isn't getting you closer to having a baby, that's a false impression, saving the money is. There will always be baby clothes you will love our there, now and for the rest of your life probably, you can keep them all. It's a much better feeling buying them for an actual baby too.

I think you are absolutely crazy to wait until you're 35. I had a long uni degree, demanding professional job, currently doing shift work on a heavy rota, professional exams looming, high childcare costs (both DC under 3). I have an absolutely wonderful, strong bond with my children and I wouldn't have been without them these last few years however difficult the juggle has been.
Waiting until a perfect career moment and losing half your thirties just isn't a sensible plan IMO.

You will bond with your baby. Save money to create time with your baby, don't waste it on coloured cotton and feel the distance between now and then lengthen. Be brave and suck up the juggle of demanding work with a baby. You want a baby.

Kudupoo · 26/01/2022 18:26

Can't* keep them all

KurtWilde · 26/01/2022 18:26

@WeWashEverythingExceptLaundry

There's a lot going on here.

I can't help feeling that your spending is, at least in part, some kind of rebellion against your partner's strictures and decrees re what needs to be saved up before you can think about having a child.

Whose idea was the completely separate finances? His, I take it?

Agreed. I think there's more going on here than just buying baby clothes.
Eightiesfan · 26/01/2022 18:27

You do realise that imaginary baby will most likely outgrow most items before you have had a chance to dress them in all those fabulous outfits. Plus I’m pretty sure you will have made the same mistake I made before I had children. I went bonkers when my sister had a baby and bought all kinds of what I thought we’re super gorgeous outfits for my niece, only for my sister to very gently point out that none of them were very practical as her DD1 was in babygrows much of the time! I learnt a lot from that lesson, though I wish she had the intervention before I spent all that money!

Phrenologistsfinger · 26/01/2022 18:27

I have baby clothes, maternity clothes and a cot but no baby as we had multiple losses. Now on round 2 of IVF. Thing is no idea what to do if we can’t have kids as it will break my heart to get rid of them. So I think dial it back as even if you want one desperately, having one is not guaranteed!

Also ttc can take years so don’t wait for an arbitrary amount of savings. Also non-NHS IVF costs £5-10k a go and each round has only a 30% chance of success. Don’t wait too long.

hulahooper2 · 26/01/2022 18:28

Yabu , you may never have a child , you may not have a child of the sex you are buying g for , you may have a small/large child , the clothes you bought may fit out of season , and no child needs that much spent on clothes , and I say that as someone who could afford to spend that much

Changechangychange · 26/01/2022 18:28

@sanbeiji

Also 7 years of uni. Are you a doctor OP
That’s usually 5-6 years, so more likely something like vet or architect.

OP if you are a doctor, the registrar years are the traditional time to have kids, for very good reason. Much harder professionally to take a full year of leave as a consultant. Way harder to go part time afterwards as well.