To buy clothes for a baby even though I’m not pregnant

[somegirlontheinter]

I’m 29 and very broody. We can’t have a baby yet as we need to save money to raise them, feed them and send them to school. I have £5k in savings. We’d also really like to move up the property ladder. My SO and I need to complete postgrad exams in order to advance in our profession (£2-3k each). We do not share our disposable income and never will do.

I am so looking forward to having a baby one day. Sometimes I see baby clothes that are just so cute, I feel like I have to buy them or I’ll never see them again. I’ve spent probably £2-3k on baby clothes in the 3 years, I’d say around half on sale. My SO is upset because he feels that I’m throwing money away. He’s managed to save quite a bit already which will cover a few years of education. I feel that we are technically saving money by front loading the cost of this necessity. I think it’s such a non issue and it’s quite smart tbh. We have a shared budget of £50k for offspring and I can definitely save this by the time I’m 35 (it will take me 30 months to save £25k). Surely it only matters that I eventually save the money, not that I save it at the same rate as him.

We’ve been together since we were 18 and we’ve always agreed about money and spending. But as we age, he’s becoming very anxious and extra cautious about the cost of having a family and he can be quite stubborn e.g. a child will survive with free education as I did, they don’t definitely need savings accounts from birth etc. He’s taking it a little too seriously because many people don’t save so much before starting a family.

We’ve bickered about this quite a bit and it really winds me up. I feel like the arguments are getting worse about such a minor issue. Is he being unreasonable?

You have spent how much?
That is a very weird way of spending money. Gathering dust on baby clothes. There will never ever be shortage of cute baby clothes and you will be able to buy just as pretty ones when you actually are pregnant.

I feel that we are technically saving money by front loading the cost of this necessity.

This could be seen as bad luck @somegirlontheinter as TTC doesn't always go smoothly. For many of us we never carry to term, even though we assumed like you that it would happen like clockwork.

You're having a baby fantasy. Your DH is right.

Babies are more comfortable in loose light soft- stretchy cotton; they don't need lots of clothes as they outgrow them so fast. You won't have time or inclination for hand washing, or baby ironing, so only choose machine-washable/dryable.

Save your money for really good childcare when you go back to work.

@somegirlontheinter

Just to clarify, I don’t even have that many items. But one item, like a dungaree set, can be £30 these days! I can always sell them if I’m infertile, I thought.

You’re worried you can’t afford kids and have spent £30 on dungarees for a kid that isn’t born yet?! You need some help.. sorry but that’s mad!

Crikey, OP. At first I was going to say that your excitement was charming and I liked how excited you were, then I read you’ve already spent up to £3k on baby clothes.

This is really worrying. Clothes don’t retain any value. That money has gone now. I don’t think I’ve spent that much on clothes and kit for my baby since he’s been born. Not including nappies and stuff. And he’s nearly two. I got all our furniture on Faceache Marketplace and he has had a few things from supermarkets for each stage. I have plenty of disposable but it seemed a silly thing to spend a fortune on as they grow and poo and are serially messy eaters.

Please don’t buy anymore. Save your money for your future. The sooner you reach your target the sooner you can have the baby you’re craving.

There's some harsh replies on here!
Could you do a budget for all your bills now and add on a couple of hundred £ as a future amount ish, then look at how soon you could start trying, realistically you would be much better starting sooner rather than later as waiting 5-6 more years and your fertility will start nose diving especially if you want more than one child, also babies do not need 50k - great if you can save a bit extra for covering mat leave and maybe even a bit for the first couple of years in nursery but I wouldn't keep saving towards a never ending goal, it also seems like you earn a decent amount so why would you need to be back to work so quickly?
Are you certain your partner actually wants children? As it seems he is the one adding a time scale, I'd be worried he will keep extending the time line and keep you dangling in hope, if so you won't forgive him or yourself for taking it away from you as if you are already so broody you will get more and more broody it doesn't go away it just gets worse.

I hope you are OK and not too upset about all the 'your crazy' posts, it's not a normal thing to spend on but it's your money and you're an adult.

@somegirlontheinter I'm not gonna go on about the 2-3k on clothes. You've had plenty of posts on it already and you've already admitted that you understand it is excessive.

But I feel so sad reading your following posts, it sounds like you really long for a baby but you're held back by this timeline and savings figure. I'm not gonna blame your partner because I imagine you decided this together based on logical thinking (especially if you've both been tied up in studying so much I imagine logical thinking makes the most sense). The problem is that desires of the heart aren't always logical and don't fit into that ideal world idea you may have.

I think you really need to have a think (first by yourself and then a chat with your partner) to discuss this. In 6 years time when you've done all your exams and saved the money and decide to go ahead, how will you feel if it just doesn't happen for you? Will you be glad you put it on hold for those reasons? Is your career something you really want or do you see it as a means to getting your true desire of a family.

I understand the "I don't want the stress of studying for exams with a baby". Because I also have exams to do for my career and at the minute they're on hold (my DD is almost 2) but I would have time to study if I wanted to do it now because my DH would give me time to.

Financially, you genuinely just make it work when you decide to have a baby. We were "okay" financially when we decided, in that we probably had the same amount of savings you have now. I can honestly say we haven't struggled, outside of those initial start up costs and reduction in income for a short time we've still been able to save a reasonable amount (long term for our DD and short term for things that need doing in the house/Christmas kinda thing). We just have a million different savings pots and ringfence money for different things. Once you've got all the initial bits babies aren't that expensive in my experience, and you only have to look on Facebook marketplace to see people selling baby bits in their troves for cheap, they tend to be in decent shape because babies spend so little time using them. If you're going to have a savings aim, I'd make it to give you extra money in maternity rather than an arbitrary £50k for the sake of it.

Just have a think, are you delaying it because you want to? Or because that's what you've decided and now feel obligated to stick to it?

That is literally crazy.
I have twins and probably haven't spent that much altogether.
Plus when you have babies, you realise they spend at least 6 months in basically babygros, all the fancy outfits are just hanging gathering dust.
Plus they poo and sick and spit on them all day and so you don't ever want to spend ridiculous sums on them. Next do a pack of 5 for about 25 quid!

OP I am worried about you.
I feel like you are ready for a baby and your partner isn’t - I am wondering if he set this very high savings goal knowing it will be too hard and that you may never get there which gets him “off the hook”. I am wondering if your buying clothes is a way of dealing with grief.
Are you in a controlling relationship?
Speak to someone you trust - a GP or nurse or a trusted family member. Good luck.

I think you should get therapy asap. If you ever have a child, they are likely to be messed up by the pressure alone of being the much obsessed over child. You risk smothering them, which can stunt a child’s emotional development and potential.

I would also seriously review your plans to not ttc until 35. You will tear yourself to shreds and ruin your marriage if you don’t manage to fall pregnant. So spend your money on therapy and on checks on your and your dh’s fertility. Even if everything is ok with both of you, it still doesn’t guarantee pregnancy, especially as fertility drops from 35+.

I think you’ve had some useful ideas to stop this very self destructive obsession of buying clothes. My dd started to have fixed ideas of what she wanted to wear from 15 months, ergo you really don’t know how much will be worn. And as has already been pointed out, you’ll get a lot less than you paid, perhaps 1/3 of the cost so this self-destructive hobby is also very expensive.

What a ludicrous idea, I can’t believe some of the nonsense I’m reading here lately

@LunaTheCat

OP I am worried about you. I feel like you are ready for a baby and your partner isn’t - I am wondering if he set this very high savings goal knowing it will be too hard and that you may never get there which gets him “off the hook”. I am wondering if your buying clothes is a way of dealing with grief. Are you in a controlling relationship? Speak to someone you trust - a GP or nurse or a trusted family member. Good luck.

Gosh. Cross post. That hadn’t occurred to me. You may be correct.

You need help.

You sound absolutely crazy op I'm sorry, I understand wanting a baby and feeling broody (I am at that stage right now) but spending that much on baby clothes for a non existent baby insane

Also, you have enough money to have a baby. There is never the perfect time, or perfect amount of money. But one thing that is true is that fertility drops after 35, I know people hate bringing it up but it must be said. Don't wait to start trying until you are 35 as you may have issues.
I would say start sooner rather than later.

@gogohm

I didn't spend £3k in total, mine are adults!

Same here and my DS is 20 years old now.

OP, I think you would benefit from some counselling about why you are doing this.

Your money, your choice. But it's a stupid choice.

Oh op I can't believe the replies on here! If this what you want to spend your money on do it -most people have a vice and I think if you look at what most people spend on coffees, take aways, cigarettes, alcohol or even drugs it's probably going alot less than 2-3k in year so enjoy your money and do what you want with it so long as you are happy x

I'm a similar age to you and have no children yet and I do get it. I see cute clothes/cute toys that I love and want to buy them to set them aside for when I have kids of my own. But I dont. Styles and fashions will change and when I get around to having children, there will still be cute outfits in shops that I want to buy.

Plus £3k sounds like a lot of money to be spending, especially when babies/toddlers are going to grow so fast.

Maybe not most people but lots if people my post should read

I think buying clothes for baby that you aren't even actively trying for and by the sound of it, no where near close to actually having is absolutely ridiculous OP

Addiction to shopping for a targeted type of item that represents a life you wished you had, but don't have now and have no certainty you will ever have, is a sign, I would say, of deep unhappiness.

Sorry but you are completely crazy. All a baby needs in the first few months are sleep suits. They are comfortable. Outfits such as dungaree sets may look cute but are totally impractical in reality. They grow out of things so quickly. You don’t know what month a possible baby would be born so how can you plan for the relevant season and that’s even if you are lucky enough to get pregnant and have a successful birth. Please stop this. It would be crazy for someone who was a millionaire but you can’t have a baby because you say you can’t afford it. Absolute madness!

It sounds like you would really like to have a baby now but your partner wants to wait for the absolute perfect timing, when you are possibly past 35 and less fertile...