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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy clothes for a baby even though I’m not pregnant

565 replies

somegirlontheinter · 26/01/2022 16:28

I’m 29 and very broody. We can’t have a baby yet as we need to save money to raise them, feed them and send them to school. I have £5k in savings. We’d also really like to move up the property ladder. My SO and I need to complete postgrad exams in order to advance in our profession (£2-3k each). We do not share our disposable income and never will do.

I am so looking forward to having a baby one day. Sometimes I see baby clothes that are just so cute, I feel like I have to buy them or I’ll never see them again. I’ve spent probably £2-3k on baby clothes in the 3 years, I’d say around half on sale. My SO is upset because he feels that I’m throwing money away. He’s managed to save quite a bit already which will cover a few years of education. I feel that we are technically saving money by front loading the cost of this necessity. I think it’s such a non issue and it’s quite smart tbh. We have a shared budget of £50k for offspring and I can definitely save this by the time I’m 35 (it will take me 30 months to save £25k). Surely it only matters that I eventually save the money, not that I save it at the same rate as him.

We’ve been together since we were 18 and we’ve always agreed about money and spending. But as we age, he’s becoming very anxious and extra cautious about the cost of having a family and he can be quite stubborn e.g. a child will survive with free education as I did, they don’t definitely need savings accounts from birth etc. He’s taking it a little too seriously because many people don’t save so much before starting a family.

We’ve bickered about this quite a bit and it really winds me up. I feel like the arguments are getting worse about such a minor issue. Is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:
CorneliusBeefington · 26/01/2022 17:29

@KurtWilde

Sorry I missed the part about you being mid 30s before you start to try and conceive. I do hope you understand that that's quite late to leave it, especially if you have problems conceiving. Are you ok with the idea that it may never happen?
I was wording something similar to this post. The later you leave it, the more difficult it may be to conceive. That's without the increased liklihood of issues for the baby.

If you are in a stable, happy relationship. And have a job which gives you maternity pay. I'd advise you to start TTC as soon as possible. You may be fortunate and get pregnant quickly, but it also may take a long time to fall pregnant /stay pregnant. And when I say that if you struggle to conceive, you will spend a long time resenting your past self for holding off on trying.

blessings2022 · 26/01/2022 17:29

I think you have some growing up to do. You sound utterly ridiculous.

theqentity · 26/01/2022 17:29

Thing is, babies shit all over their clothes. And you. And they don't sleep.

They're not dollies you dress up.

They're absolutely exhausting, and will take you to the brink, mentally.

It's easy to say 'everyone says that', but that's because it's true.

TwinkleToesStrikesAgain · 26/01/2022 17:30

£3k is two months nursery fees. I think that might be a better way to save your money, rather than using clothing as a commodity.

user1493494961 · 26/01/2022 17:30

Barmy.

Original poster
somegirlontheinter · 26/01/2022 17:30

@JustWonderingIfYou

I'm really sorry to say this but I knew you had grown up poor as soon as I read your opening post. It's a stereotype that seems to be true. It's only the working class who tend to spend money on baby clothes- all lovely brands and new outfit everyday. The middle class children are all in hand me downs and a the same grubby clothes every week.

And honestly where are you taking your toddler in these lovely outfits? They are going to be at nursery getting paint and sauce all down them.

You've said you'll need to go back to work after just a few months of mat leave as you can't afford not to work. Surely you'd rather have a couple of extra months with your baby than a wardrobe full of outfits?

IMO when you grow up poor, almost everything is forbidden. So when the poor child grows up and has more money than their parents do, expensive items that were forbidden are even more attractive.

Honestly hadn't thought about your third paragraph, makes a lot of sense.

I will just try and sell the majority of the clothes I have. They're all well known brands and I think they'll be reasonably easy to sell and get at least some of the cost back as tags are still attached.

OP posts:
gettingolderandgrumpy · 26/01/2022 17:31

No op it’s too much . Spend your money on child free holidays or save if you want to you’ve plenty of time to buy baby clothes it’s much more exciting when your pregnant. Your putting too much pressure on yourselves on planning it will happen when it happens look at all the threads on those ttc and a lot of those are years older . enjoy these child free years and I say this as someone who was a young mum.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 26/01/2022 17:32

But this is exactly what I said to him as my argument. We haven't travelled in 2.5 years. Prior to the pandemic, we were spending £2-3k on at least two holidays a year, which is truly ridiculous as the items I have purchased will actually have some use.

We had 5 days in Boston for under £2k when I was pregnant. I'd honestly argue holidays and memories from those before you have children are more valuable than £30 dungarees.

tiktok · 26/01/2022 17:32

Travel has not ceased entirely in the past two-three years. I may have missed your explanation of why you haven't been away, sorry.

Holiday, time away and shared fun are part of preparing for a baby, IMO....they consolidate your relationship :)

Frankly, it's crazy to spend that amount on clothing that your baby will probably not even wear. Donate it to a charity, maybe one that supports real babies, not ones in your head. I'd even suggest donating the clothing you already have to a charity....there are places everywhere collecting good quality baby clothes for families who have literally nothing.

LooseVsLose · 26/01/2022 17:32

YABU

Trust me when I say all the planning and desire in the world won't mean you are able to have children anyway. You won't know whether or not you/your OH are fertile until you start trying, and if you're leaving it to mid-30s you may not even be together.

If you're that broody use some of the cash to investigate fertility and see if children are even an option for you.

Sorry, but only strangers are able to be this blunt. It comes from a good place.

Embracelife · 26/01/2022 17:32

Please see your gp
And a counsellor

Original poster
somegirlontheinter · 26/01/2022 17:33

I really should've added more context about my SO. When we started working 4-5 years ago, he was living pay check to pay check. I was saving £1.5k a month and he was spending on cars, going out, expensive clothes, a £1k WATCH etc etc. I don't know of anyone who spent 100% of their disposable income on tat.

He's only just suddenly settled down now as we approach our 30s and the roles have reversed a little. It's not like I'm a crazy spender and he can't trust me.

OP posts:
2holibobssofar · 26/01/2022 17:34

If you really want a baby, don’t waste your fertile years prioritising studying and working.
Mid 30’s you are much more likely to struggle to conceive and you will feel you have wasted your earlier years

Regularsizedrudy · 26/01/2022 17:34

It sounds like you and your partner are already minted and could have a baby tomorrow if you wanted… but he is delaying. Ask yourself why.

TheWormThatTurned · 26/01/2022 17:34

£2-3K on baby clothes?? This has to be a wind up or a typo. I hope it's the latter.
I bought the odd piece here or there when we were TTC, but you'd have to really being trying hard to spend into the thousands. Crikey.

WeatherwaxOn · 26/01/2022 17:37
  1. Whilst I understand the attraction of getting 'nice' baby clothes, you've spent massively, as there is at present no baby to wear them.
  2. It sounds as though the items you have purchased are high-end, which again, although lovely, is still going to get puked/pooped/pissed on by the baby.
  3. There is never a good time to have a baby. If you're feeling broody to such an extent now, you need to review your plans with your DP. The need a bigger house/better job argument is something that can keep being recycled again and again - it's not a valid reason not to start trying if you're that desperate to start a family.
Hugasauras · 26/01/2022 17:38

By the time your baby is here, the clothes you've bought will be 9/10 years old if you bought some 3 years ago! Obviously they're just baby clothes so it doesn't actually matter, but if you're concerned so much about their clothes that you are spending this amount of money before they are here, it seems weird you will then want to dress them in clothes that have been sitting in storage for almost a decade Confused

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 26/01/2022 17:38

OP you have been incredibly open on this thread which is to your credit.

It also sounds like you and your partner have really different attitudes to money.

I would 1000% urge you to talk about financial attitudes in depth before you marry and have children. Differences in attitudes and behaviours towards money is a massive relationship strain. Don't underestimate how much you will need to pull together when you have a child.

Allpenguinsarepingus · 26/01/2022 17:39

OP, how do you feel about knitting? You could make cute baby jumpers, cardigans and blankets and little hats and booties. It’s no cheaper than buying baby clothes, but it’s much much slower, so you can spend 6 months knitting a baby blanket out of £50 of wool rather than spend 500quid shopping in the same timeframe. Obviously it’s still a displacement activity. But less destructive. I also think you should try to revise your plan to wait til 35 to ttc. Is there any way you could take a year out before then?

MrsHGWells · 26/01/2022 17:39

OP I deeply sympathise with you, however my best advise is next time you see a cute outfit, put the money into an account to spend when you are pregnant.

This way you will achieve your saving goal faster (& also create an emergency fund if something happens (eg longer May leave required);
Baby clothes will always lure you to spend money because they are small and cute and filled with romantic notions of babyville.

Firstly, buying £2-£3k is borderline ridiculous and I can see why your SO is annoyed. Not to mention storing all the garments.

You don’t know the three S’s: sex; size and also, season your baby will be born.
Also- what if you have prem, fertility issues, multiples? Your babies will never have matching outfits buying 10yrs early?

Seriously now focus on your accreditation, saving and enjoying lots and lots of unbroken sleep and bedroom practise.

sanbeiji · 26/01/2022 17:39

@somegirlontheinter

I really should've added more context about my SO. When we started working 4-5 years ago, he was living pay check to pay check. I was saving £1.5k a month and he was spending on cars, going out, expensive clothes, a £1k WATCH etc etc. I don't know of anyone who spent 100% of their disposable income on tat.

He's only just suddenly settled down now as we approach our 30s and the roles have reversed a little. It's not like I'm a crazy spender and he can't trust me.

If I was your partner I wouldn’t be concerned about the money, but the baby shaped hole you’re trying to fill.

And what happens if you never get your wish. Honestly, go for a fertility check as pp have said.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 26/01/2022 17:40

OP, I think the baby clothes are just a symptom of what's really wrong. I think you're buying to make up for not doing what you really want: to have a baby.

Why wait till you're 35, when your (though not your partner's) options will start being restricted by age if you don't conceive quickly? You don't need a pile more money now. Do what you really want instead of throwing money away on consolations.

sanbeiji · 26/01/2022 17:40

Also 7 years of uni.
Are you a doctor OP

ConstanceL · 26/01/2022 17:42

Firstly I think you need counselling, and secondly it doesn't really sound like your partner wants children, so I can see why he is concerned. How have you spent that much on children's clothes by the way? Have you bought them clothes all the way until they are 15, or are you wasting money on designer clothes?

Samanabanana · 26/01/2022 17:42

That is an insane amount of money to spend on baby clothes, even if you have a baby. I'm with your DH here