To buy clothes for a baby even though I’m not pregnant

[somegirlontheinter]

I’m 29 and very broody. We can’t have a baby yet as we need to save money to raise them, feed them and send them to school. I have £5k in savings. We’d also really like to move up the property ladder. My SO and I need to complete postgrad exams in order to advance in our profession (£2-3k each). We do not share our disposable income and never will do.

I am so looking forward to having a baby one day. Sometimes I see baby clothes that are just so cute, I feel like I have to buy them or I’ll never see them again. I’ve spent probably £2-3k on baby clothes in the 3 years, I’d say around half on sale. My SO is upset because he feels that I’m throwing money away. He’s managed to save quite a bit already which will cover a few years of education. I feel that we are technically saving money by front loading the cost of this necessity. I think it’s such a non issue and it’s quite smart tbh. We have a shared budget of £50k for offspring and I can definitely save this by the time I’m 35 (it will take me 30 months to save £25k). Surely it only matters that I eventually save the money, not that I save it at the same rate as him.

We’ve been together since we were 18 and we’ve always agreed about money and spending. But as we age, he’s becoming very anxious and extra cautious about the cost of having a family and he can be quite stubborn e.g. a child will survive with free education as I did, they don’t definitely need savings accounts from birth etc. He’s taking it a little too seriously because many people don’t save so much before starting a family.

We’ve bickered about this quite a bit and it really winds me up. I feel like the arguments are getting worse about such a minor issue. Is he being unreasonable?

You sound bonkers
Wait until you are actually pregnant

We do not share our disposable income and never will do This concerns me a bit. What happens if your salary takes a massive hit when you're on maternity leave, or have to go part-time when you return to work?

Who is going to pay nursery fees?

We have a shared budget of £50k for offspring What? People don't save everything for a potential baby up front. They pay for things as and when they are needed, over the 20 years or so until they are fully financially independent.

I can definitely save this by the time I'm 35 You're leaving it a bit late then, because that's the age at which womens' fertility starts to decline quite rapidly. And is it just you saving or is he saving too?

Are you quite sure he's not using money as a way of postponing a baby - possibly indefinitely? Are you quite sure that he actually wants to have children?

Don't waste money now save it for when you have your baby, when you have your baby there will be different styles out and your clothes might be old fashioned.

YABU. If you were more careful with money could you not try for children that bit sooner? The longer you wait the more likely you are to run into problems having children so why not save that money and aim to TTC a year sooner if your looking forward to having children that much? I don’t mean that to sound harsh, but saving that money with an aim of moving a dream closer may help. Might stop your partner moaning too!

I think another posters idea of a pintrest board is a great one, you could make it into seasonal wardrobes and things like that too.

@HeyBlaby

You'll be gifted nearly all the baby clothes you need for the first 6-9 months from experience (and I don't have a large social circle)

If you don't share finances what will happen when your pay drops whilst on mat leave?

@HeyBlaby - never had kids myself but agreed - most of my best/close friends with babies and kids were gifted everything they needed for the first year or so and my NDN gifted my SIL (DB's wife) loads of baby/boy clothes for her son, which included up to 5 years old - everything from underpants to swim suits! And a maternity swimming costume. And toys! Very kind but means she hasn't had to think about lots and DNephew at 3.5 is in age 5 clothes anyway.

YABU. Seems silly if you're trying to save money.

Pinterest board is a really good idea. I don't use it nearly as much as I could but lots of friends who were expecting posted cute baby clothes/outfits there.

@toppkatz

We do not share our disposable income and never will do This concerns me a bit. What happens if your salary takes a massive hit when you're on maternity leave, or have to go part-time when you return to work?

Who is going to pay nursery fees?

We have a shared budget of £50k for offspring What? People don't save everything for a potential baby up front. They pay for things as and when they are needed, over the 20 years or so until they are fully financially independent.

I can definitely save this by the time I'm 35 You're leaving it a bit late then, because that's the age at which womens' fertility starts to decline quite rapidly. And is it just you saving or is he saving too?

Are you quite sure he's not using money as a way of postponing a baby - possibly indefinitely? Are you quite sure that he actually wants to have children?

By disposable income, I mean everything after our shared expenses including things like nursery fees.

We are both saving £25k each for mat leave, pregnancy related costs, nursery fees, material goods for the baby etc

Tbh I can’t realistically have a baby before mid 30s because I have a lot of professional commitments I’ve got to get through first. I really don’t want to be studying for exams when I could be bonding with my child instead.

We both agreed on the budget, it seems like a responsible thing to do rather going in head first without anything saved.

More than anything else, you don't know what season your baby will be born in, or the size they'll be at birth. With my first baby, I spent about £100 on newborn outfits and babygros. She arrived early and tiny and I had to buy all new things as nothing I'd bought for my 'summer newborn' fit until she was about 3 months old - by which time it was October and they still weren't any good. And that was just £100 wasted. Now imagine £3k wasted.

I don't think you're unhinged or batshit or any of those things, I think you're wishing for a life you haven't got yet. Personally if I were you I'd be discussing starting a family earlier than your timeframe, as that's clearly where your heart lies. But are you entirely sure that's also what your partner wants? Because he seems to be setting quite a high bar for when it'll happen. And why is it only up to him?

You are being unreasonable to think a time will come when you can afford a baby. It won’t come, because no one, even the rich, can really ever afford it: babies and children are crazy money pits. Whenever they come you will throw all the money you have at them...

So just make the best decision for you. Young women now are incredibly blessed in that they can choose a time to have their children. They are also deeply challenged, because they are encouraged to wait for the best time, which pretty much never comes.

There is always your best friend’s wedding when it would be inconvenient to have a newborn. Or that performance evaluation you want to pass first. Or the degree. Whatever.

Having a child is always a leap of faith where ever you are in your career or your relationship or your finances.

But because you know you want a baby you are making a future nest for it, with lovely baby stuff. That’s a sweet and natural instinct, but it is just displacement activity - giving you something else quickly to substitute for what you really want. I think that it might make you sad in the long term. You will fold and unfold the piles of baby stuff, wash them once a year to keep them fresh, and keep postponing what you want...

It think what I am saying is, don’t substitute buying baby clothes for a real baby. It’s a hard saying, I know. If you don’t want a baby now, the simple rule for yourself is, you don’t want a baby. So don’t buy for a baby you don’t want (even if the stuff is on sale).

When you and your partner are ready to accept a baby there will still be sales and beautiful things to be had at a bargain.

The Pinterest board sounds like a great way to channel your yearnings.

But sounds like you really need to talk and agree a time line.
. Is it 35 because he wants the child's education saved for before you ttc or because of career progression? Do you know how your fertility health is given you're going to be nearing 40 potentially TTC?

What are the professional qualifications you need to get-apologies if I missed you say that?

Why can’t you do those now?

You've probably had enough of being called bonkers now so I'll just recommend this Reddit message board www.reddit.com/r/waiting_to_try/

It's for people waiting to try for a baby, I found it helpful a few years ago. It has people in a variety of situations / timescales so you may find some kindred spirits and a different outlet for your energy.

Sorry I missed the part about you being mid 30s before you start to try and conceive. I do hope you understand that that's quite late to leave it, especially if you have problems conceiving. Are you ok with the idea that it may never happen?

@somegirlontheinter

Just to clarify, I don’t even have that many items. But one item, like a dungaree set, can be £30 these days! I can always sell them if I’m infertile, I thought.

This is a really insensitive and immature comment OP. Kindly suggesting you seek some therapy for yourself.

I think it’s crazy and I can totally understand why your partner isn’t happy. It’s a strange thing for you to do. Have you spoke to your gp about this need you have.

I didn’t receive any clothes as gifts for mine so everyone is different! Also I would say these threads can be unbalanced as many people don’t spend that much on clothes but if you can afford it it is up to you! The issue is more that you’re trying to save money so it’s counterproductive and not knowing the season or sex of the baby could render the stuff useless. Eg if the 30£ dungarees are from Trotters etc, those are pretty boy/girl specific!

@zealouslemur

You've probably had enough of being called bonkers now so I'll just recommend this Reddit message board www.reddit.com/r/waiting_to_try/

It's for people waiting to try for a baby, I found it helpful a few years ago. It has people in a variety of situations / timescales so you may find some kindred spirits and a different outlet for your energy.

Thanks for this! Just typed in baby clothes into the search bar and seems like I'm not the only one.

I'm really sorry to say this but I knew you had grown up poor as soon as I read your opening post. It's a stereotype that seems to be true. It's only the working class who tend to spend money on baby clothes- all lovely brands and new outfit everyday. The middle class children are all in hand me downs and a the same grubby clothes every week.

And honestly where are you taking your toddler in these lovely outfits? They are going to be at nursery getting paint and sauce all down them.

You've said you'll need to go back to work after just a few months of mat leave as you can't afford not to work. Surely you'd rather have a couple of extra months with your baby than a wardrobe full of outfits?

I have two children who have been well dressed since they were born with way too many clothes and especially more than they needed nice occasion clothes when they were babies and I never even came close to spending that much.
Also for perspective I had the money to spend and wasn't trying to save it.
Your partner is right to be pissed off you need to give your head a wobble.
There are always cute baby clothes, they will not disappear just because you haven't bought them. I think you need to put a rational head on otherwise you will never afford a child.

You're bonkers not just unreasonable.

I think I agree with the suggestion you are financially not on the same page as your partner....and I agree that it is ridiculous to spend money on a baby that's years away. You could have had a few nice holidays and time away with the money you've spent on it all!

Babies don't cost that much really, when they're babies. Second hand or donated or gifted items are not difficult to source. A stable home and a loving relationship between the parents is far more important than anything else.

Honestly, if you have the stable home and loving relationship, just have a baby!

@tiktok

I think I agree with the suggestion you are financially not on the same page as your partner....and I agree that it is ridiculous to spend money on a baby that's years away. You could have had a few nice holidays and time away with the money you've spent on it all!

Babies don't cost that much really, when they're babies. Second hand or donated or gifted items are not difficult to source. A stable home and a loving relationship between the parents is far more important than anything else.

Honestly, if you have the stable home and loving relationship, just have a baby!

But this is exactly what I said to him as my argument. We haven't travelled in 2.5 years. Prior to the pandemic, we were spending £2-3k on at least two holidays a year, which is truly ridiculous as the items I have purchased will actually have some use.

I would also worry about buying too many older clothes, when my daughter got to about 18/19 months she had definite ideas about what she would wear.

Some pretty clothes are so impractical that you will hate putting them on and off. I bought loads of baby dresses for my first DD but they looked really uncomfortable for her.

Firstly I think you're being unreasonable but I also think you know that.

However I do get the poor upbringing and hoarding behaviour. I still do it now but not with clothes!

Every payday I buy so much food because I'm scared of running out. Been there and it's not fun however I have a child and I'm single and it all gets used.

I do feel for your partner a bit too. If it comes to the time when you've saved your £50k for a baby I'd feel pressure to perform knowing there was a cupboard booming with baby clothes in the house.