To buy clothes for a baby even though I’m not pregnant

[somegirlontheinter]

I’m 29 and very broody. We can’t have a baby yet as we need to save money to raise them, feed them and send them to school. I have £5k in savings. We’d also really like to move up the property ladder. My SO and I need to complete postgrad exams in order to advance in our profession (£2-3k each). We do not share our disposable income and never will do.

I am so looking forward to having a baby one day. Sometimes I see baby clothes that are just so cute, I feel like I have to buy them or I’ll never see them again. I’ve spent probably £2-3k on baby clothes in the 3 years, I’d say around half on sale. My SO is upset because he feels that I’m throwing money away. He’s managed to save quite a bit already which will cover a few years of education. I feel that we are technically saving money by front loading the cost of this necessity. I think it’s such a non issue and it’s quite smart tbh. We have a shared budget of £50k for offspring and I can definitely save this by the time I’m 35 (it will take me 30 months to save £25k). Surely it only matters that I eventually save the money, not that I save it at the same rate as him.

We’ve been together since we were 18 and we’ve always agreed about money and spending. But as we age, he’s becoming very anxious and extra cautious about the cost of having a family and he can be quite stubborn e.g. a child will survive with free education as I did, they don’t definitely need savings accounts from birth etc. He’s taking it a little too seriously because many people don’t save so much before starting a family.

We’ve bickered about this quite a bit and it really winds me up. I feel like the arguments are getting worse about such a minor issue. Is he being unreasonable?

@BrainPotter but that's your experience. It may not be OP's experience. My mum got pregnant accidentally with me while doing her master's and still did extremely well in her career. But I am not my mother! It's just impossible to say how it would be like for OP.. I think OP is just a risk averse person because she has a lot to lose and perhaps no safety cushion.

@somegirlontheinter

Just to clarify, I don’t even have that many items. But one item, like a dungaree set, can be £30 these days! I can always sell them if I’m infertile, I thought.

So 100 outfits at £30 each for a non existent child is still batshit crazy.

@Dubgirl1212

You need to stop buying baby clothes but your SO needs to relax too. If everybody waited until everything in their life was 100 percent perfect nobody would have children.

This

All this saving sounds crazy! Just have a baby already and make it work like everyone else does 😂😂

@kateg27

£3k on baby clothes? I don't think I've spent that on all 4 of my babies combined 😱

I definitely haven’t 😂 dd6 is still wearing hand me downs from her three older siblings.

Anyway I think if you can afford to spend 3k on baby clothes when you haven’t got a baby the you can afford to have a child. Is 50k in savings necessary?

@karlakourt

And babies dont wear dungarees

They really just need comfort. Soft clothes. Onesies mostly

You're really quite clueless. Stop buying stuff you will never use

And you’re unnecessarily spiteful.

My baby wore loads of dungarees and still does as a toddler. They’re warm, he likes them as one set has dinosaurs on and frankly, they’re adorable.

@Flutterflybutterby make it work like the 25% of families who are in poverty or make it work like Carrie Symonds who maybe needs a Tory donor to pay for her nanny (as Boris can't afford a nanny on his PM salary and his million obligations to his children by different women).

I guess OP would fall somewhere in between. Not knowing her exact financial circumstances i.e. her mortgage, childcare costs where she lives, job security, I don't think I can make a guess on how much she needs to not end up in poverty. I can guess that Carrie Symonds can have as many children as she wants as she can probably get someone to pay for it one way or another.

@Flutterflybutterby the sad reality is that many don’t make it work at all.

You and your partner are not compatible.
You're obsessed with having a baby now and he's telling you to wait another 6 years. It sounds like he doesn't want children at all.
I'd reconsider the relationship completely if I were you.

You no longer share the same views on saving/spending.

Baby clothes are not an investment. Dungarees NEVER fit properly. All these fiddly outfits you're buying will likely go unused.

That's enough Internet for today

the sad reality is that many don’t make it work at all.

@RussianSpy101 ? I think most people manage to feed their kids, even if they have to be on benefits etc. I live on a low income/disability payments and get by ok.

Someone only has to be a 'good enough' parent, you don't hear of many kids dying of starvation unless the parent is deliberately neglectful.

I'd like to talk about one part
Should things not work out, with partner, with not managing having babies loss of current lifestyle due to adverse events, or other issues that may come your way. You having spent anything on an uncertainty will become a burden. Be cautious and take steps at a time.

Said with love and experience of people I know in my life.

My baby wore loads of dungarees and still does as a toddler. They’re warm, he likes them as one set has dinosaurs on and frankly, they’re adorable

I love dungarees on LOs so cute DC1 wore loads, DC2 refused from he was about 18mth - 2 hated them.
Although they were both winter boys, beyond the first 12mths I've had very little hand me downs, different builds, older likes long sleeves and trousers, little one t-shirts and shorts!

A "hope chest" full of baby items prepared years in advance of conception is a real thing, but it sounds as if you can tick off having bought the baby clothes for now.
If you keep wanting to get more and more baby clothing can I (honestly, not sarcastically) suggest you take up knitting? It would allow you to manufacture your own baby jackets/hats/socks with your own personal love and care, and as each takes quite a long time to produce relative to shopping, it might prevent you ending up with £10k of baby clothing in stock by the time an actual baby arrives...(although there is a slight risk you might have £10k of yarn).

Off on a tangent a bit but it annoys me when people say "baby clothes just get covered in poo/food/sick and you have to change them 5 times a day". This is not true of all babies. Neither of mine ever had nappy explosions (washable nappies) and even if they did, you can wash the clothes. There's nothing wrong with buying decent quality or higher end baby clothing. It doesn't have to be plain white primark babygros because "they just get ruined anyway"

If you struggle to conceive or have to deal with pregnancy loss, could this enormous stash of baby clothes not become a very painful reminder of what you are hoping for?

Also, where are you keeping all these clothes? Are they not a constant reminder that you can’t ttc yet?

Not dying of starvation, no.
But the numbers of families reliant on food banks isn’t “making it work” in my opinion. Nobody wants that life.
The number of children whose only meal a day is the one they get at school is appalling.

It’s the truth that many don’t make it work. They scrape by with every little bit of help they can possibly get. It’s no life.

The mustard yellow liquid poo with bits of curdlike stuff in does not wash out. Trust me!

@RussianSpy101

Not dying of starvation, no. But the numbers of families reliant on food banks isn’t “making it work” in my opinion. Nobody wants that life. The number of children whose only meal a day is the one they get at school is appalling.

It’s the truth that many don’t make it work. They scrape by with every little bit of help they can possibly get. It’s no life.

That’s not likely to happen to a two parent family where both work and have enough disposable income to spend 3k on a non existent child though is it? It hardly sounds like they’re struggling financially.

@Kanaloa I wouldn't make that assumption... Lots of people who go to food banks never thought they would end up there. I have heard some nurses and teachers also visit food banks, mainly single parents.

OP said in previous post that her deposit for her flat was £60k... Mine was around the same and I live in London..she probably lives in a part of the UK with a high cost of living.

@Kanaloa and if you believe the Mumsnet relationship forum, anyone can become a single parent overnight...

Well in that case no amount of money is enough! Presumably they know how much they make and with £3000 disposable income to spend on baby clothes I’d presume they can afford food and basics.

@Kanaloa can they afford food basics nursrry fees and mortgage for 6 months if both lost their jobs? If so they are in good position to have a baby. I would need far more than 3k for that! So would most people I think esp if you live in the south.

If they both lost their jobs they wouldn’t need to pay for full time nursery would they?

And to be honest if we all stopped our lives in that way and lived as if we were about to be plunged into abject poverty then we’d never live. And if they both lost their jobs and couldn’t afford a mortgage that would affect them just as badly if they had a baby or not.