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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy clothes for a baby even though I’m not pregnant

565 replies

somegirlontheinter · 26/01/2022 16:28

I’m 29 and very broody. We can’t have a baby yet as we need to save money to raise them, feed them and send them to school. I have £5k in savings. We’d also really like to move up the property ladder. My SO and I need to complete postgrad exams in order to advance in our profession (£2-3k each). We do not share our disposable income and never will do.

I am so looking forward to having a baby one day. Sometimes I see baby clothes that are just so cute, I feel like I have to buy them or I’ll never see them again. I’ve spent probably £2-3k on baby clothes in the 3 years, I’d say around half on sale. My SO is upset because he feels that I’m throwing money away. He’s managed to save quite a bit already which will cover a few years of education. I feel that we are technically saving money by front loading the cost of this necessity. I think it’s such a non issue and it’s quite smart tbh. We have a shared budget of £50k for offspring and I can definitely save this by the time I’m 35 (it will take me 30 months to save £25k). Surely it only matters that I eventually save the money, not that I save it at the same rate as him.

We’ve been together since we were 18 and we’ve always agreed about money and spending. But as we age, he’s becoming very anxious and extra cautious about the cost of having a family and he can be quite stubborn e.g. a child will survive with free education as I did, they don’t definitely need savings accounts from birth etc. He’s taking it a little too seriously because many people don’t save so much before starting a family.

We’ve bickered about this quite a bit and it really winds me up. I feel like the arguments are getting worse about such a minor issue. Is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
somegirlontheinter · 26/01/2022 21:58

@PurplePansy05

I also think there are incosistencies in what you've said about your and your OH's spproach to money.

So you've saved a lot but yet you spent £3k on a child that doesn't exist. You could've invested it for your future child/ren and get £13k back. Or £30k. Or whatever sum. It makes no sense, as people have already explained. Also, baby clothes go on sale multiple times a year, every year, you do know this, right?

Secondly you say your OH's and yours attitude to spending was the same but it doesn't sound like it - you then said he was buying a lot for a few years and only more recently started saving whereas you've been more careful. Then in another post you said you were actually spending yourself too. Then you said you have £50k in savings. Then you said you'd have to return to work quickly after maternity leave.

None of these things add up.

Uhhh right, I do get a bit annoyed with posts like these so here we go

"I also think there are incosistencies in what you've said about your and your OH's spproach to money."

So you've saved a lot but yet you spent £3k on a child that doesn't exist. You could've invested it for your future child/ren and get £13k back. Or £30k. Or whatever sum. It makes no sense, as people have already explained. Also, baby clothes go on sale multiple times a year, every year, you do know this, right?

Secondly you say your OH's and yours attitude to spending was the same but it doesn't sound like it - you then said he was buying a lot for a few years and only more recently started saving whereas you've been more careful. Then in another post you said you were actually spending yourself too. Then you said you have £50k in savings. Then you said you'd have to return to work quickly after maternity leave.

None of these things add up.

I never said I've saved a lot. I said we have both previously saved a lot, but recently spent it all on a deposit for a flat.

Of course, I could have invested the £3k but I didn't. Now I have the benefit of hindsight.

I said my SO's attitude to spending was the same as mine years ago but it has very recently changed - basically during the pandemic. Prior to this, he spent a lot more than I did but I was happy to splash out on holidays.

So it's pretty simple really, I have no reason to lie on the internet lmao

OP posts:
Newbabynewhouse · 26/01/2022 21:59

Sorry OP i think you are being U... well done for trying to do the right things but i think you are waaaay over the top here.... not many people save up to have a family..great if you can but if its causing arguments and stress..dont bother! My personal opinion is that children who go to mainstream school can end up better adults than those from private education.. you definitely dont need to spend all thsy money on clothes, hand me downs are perfect and dont mean you love your child any less..just have a baby and stop waiting for the right time before its too late...

Original poster
somegirlontheinter · 26/01/2022 22:00

@PurplePansy05

I also think there are incosistencies in what you've said about your and your OH's spproach to money.

So you've saved a lot but yet you spent £3k on a child that doesn't exist. You could've invested it for your future child/ren and get £13k back. Or £30k. Or whatever sum. It makes no sense, as people have already explained. Also, baby clothes go on sale multiple times a year, every year, you do know this, right?

Secondly you say your OH's and yours attitude to spending was the same but it doesn't sound like it - you then said he was buying a lot for a few years and only more recently started saving whereas you've been more careful. Then in another post you said you were actually spending yourself too. Then you said you have £50k in savings. Then you said you'd have to return to work quickly after maternity leave.

None of these things add up.

My other post was sent too early

I never said I HAVE £50k in savings, I said we are AIMING for that.

It does add up, if you take the time to actually read.

OP posts:
cafedesreves · 26/01/2022 22:01

£3k?!?!??

cafedesreves · 26/01/2022 22:03

When you do have your baby you can get so much 2nd hand... don't waste your money now x

Goldbar · 26/01/2022 22:06

It's a bit odd, but it's clearly not the worst thing in the world to do.

With the benefit of hindsight, what I would have spent more money on pre-DC was not baby clothes but holidays, eating out and other experiences. We've always been careful with money, but actually it would have been nice to have had a few more of those experiences (and we could have afforded them pre-DC!) which are 100 times harder with a baby in tow. For example, we always wanted to visit Alaska and never got round to it and of course that's not really a trip most people would take a very young child on.

Hopefully you will have a baby soon but don't forget to live in the mean time and make the most of what might turn out to be your last few baby-free years.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 26/01/2022 22:10

I wouldn't put having a baby off till 35 so I could save 25K each, that's a risky strategy. The qualifications are more to the point. Is there any way you can finish qualifications quicker? You could throw yourself into that, it gives you a focus and means you're moving forward, which might help with the urge to buy. The purchases to some extent may be a way for you to feel like you're getting closer to your goal. They're not productive, but they will be filling a need. I think the knitting is a good idea, both as a displacement activity and as a way for your baby to have something special and unique. But my biggest focus would be finding a way to bring that TTC date a year or 2 earlier.

PurplePansy05 · 26/01/2022 22:10

OP, perhaps you could give up on being silly and find time to read yourself - I've posted a couple of lengthy messages of support on here before querying some incosistencies arising from your own posts which are confusing - perhaps you could also express yourself clearer.

Or perhaps I should stop wasting my time on people like you on the internet, I'll take my own advice and go to bed. Grin

cherrybonbons · 26/01/2022 22:13

If you're spending £3k on baby clothes then you need to scrap your plans and start trying for a baby now.

kateg27 · 26/01/2022 22:13

£3k on baby clothes? I don't think I've spent that on all 4 of my babies combined 😱

Rosenborg · 26/01/2022 22:15

I kind of understand this 😂. I love baby clothes and brought absolutely loads for my DC (once I was pregnant not before!). They are so small and cute so I can understand why you like to buy them. I still look at baby clothes now when I'm in the shops cause they're so adorable.

However I think £3k worth is excessive!

I also think waiting to TTC to save up money isnt a good idea. Just crack on! And in the meantime indulge your love of baby clothes by buying them as gifts for babies that are actually born.

Good luck OP 🙂

onlychildhamster · 26/01/2022 22:15

@KurtWilde The thing is if OP only had a few k in savings, got pregnant, her partner lost his job and they were struggling financially, perhaps needed benefits; people here would probably be saying how they should have planned better before having a baby. And OP couldn't get a job on account of being 8 months pregnant etc. What kind of thoughtless people bring a child into the world when they can't afford to heat their home or pay the mortgage? There would be plenty of posters making fun of her. However if OP had 50k, while that kind of sum might seem over the top to some, I don't think that would be much of a concern as it probably would be sufficient to tide their little family of 3 over until either of them found jobs and would probably be enough to pay for some childcare if OP wished to go back to work after maternity leave.

yes waiting means that your fertility declines. I am also 29 and I know my fertility is declining. Something like 10-15% of people are infertile, I am familiar with that stat. But I also know that if i didn't have my 24k saved up, there is a 100% chance I would lose my home if we lost our jobs. would be harder with a little one. At least as a couple without savings, i could go live with my MIL and rent out my flat to pay the mortgage (though in a recession who knows what kind of renters I can get with a 2 bed flat in z3 north london). That option is less likely with a little one. Both options are a gamble in a way.

However, if I find out that I am infertile at 35, I would know that its something that I couldn't necessarily control even if i started TTC when I got married at 22. After all I have been using the withdrawal method since I was 21 and have had no pregnancies for the past 8 years. If I struggle financially with a little one on account of not saving beforehand, I know that its because of my own decisions. And unlike some women in the UK, i have the opportunity to save for my future. Its not like I had no choice! I really don't approve of the Daily Mail approach of mocking mothers with money troubles and constantly questioning why people have children they can't feed etc etc etc; but at the same time, making certain decisions that would mean you are in that situation despite not having to is something quite different!

momonpurpose · 26/01/2022 22:16

Between this post and the friend not celebrating my pregnancy thread this just cannot be real right??? It's just too out there

onlychildhamster · 26/01/2022 22:16

@KurtWilde and just to be clear What kind of thoughtless people bring a child into the world when they can't afford to heat their home or pay the mortgage?

I do not think this, but a lot of posters would say stuff like that, I have seen it. Its quite brutal really. The media is constantly splashed with stories like this.

iRun2eatCake · 26/01/2022 22:25

@somegirlontheinter

Just to clarify, I don’t even have that many items. But one item, like a dungaree set, can be £30 these days! I can always sell them if I’m infertile, I thought.
Not if they're out of date and unfashionable
Gilly12345 · 26/01/2022 22:28

I’m sorry but I have never heard of anyone buying baby things/clothes BEFORE they have conceived.

Stop spending money on baby clothes and start living.

BrainPotter · 26/01/2022 22:29

@somegirlontheinter i had a similar experience in wanting to wait until I was at a certain level in my career before trying for children. I got there and then had fertility issues. Lots of IVF later and we have our beautiful babies, but guess what…I’ve had 2 promotions since returning from maternity leave. I thought my career would halt after children but it doesn’t, it’s still an important part of your life. My advice to my younger self would be to try for children sooner as there really is no such thing as the perfect time!

onlychildhamster · 26/01/2022 22:32

@somegirlontheinter as a fellow 29 year old wannabe mum who also owns a flat, is the 50k separate from the house deposit if and when you upgrade? Upgrading can be a lot of money. It will take me probably £250k-350k extra to buy a 3 bed flat. If you want a house, that could potentially set your savings goal back.

I mean in a way that's why I am going for a 3 bed flat cos I get the space I need but at the same time, I can hopefully do it in a shorter time so I can TTC sooner! I have thought of waiting until I have the baby but it would be much harder to save post baby!

LazySundayPlease · 26/01/2022 22:32

Hi OP, I agree with many of the points made.

Can I just mention that before babies, I also thought they needed lovely branded clothes.

The reality is, it's nice to have one fancy outfit from the brands you mention that fits them at a time (if you can afford it) but the majority of their clothes being from Next, M&S, Supermarkets, etc. is totally fine, still looks lovely and MUCH more affordable than Boden, White Stuff, etc! Toddlers get everything messy, muddy, sticky, covered in poo!

Also, you have no idea whether it will be winter or summer when a baby you haven't conceived yet is in a certain size, you may never get to use them!

I totally understand that you are longing for a child but I think, as you already have said, stop shopping for now. Keep your favourites though! Sell the rest.

Hightemp · 26/01/2022 22:32

Oh bless you. I as a Mum and grandma can understand your excitement.
I just want to gently say that you need to wait until you are pregnant and take a deep breath before going on a shopping trip !

dinkdink · 26/01/2022 22:35

Sounds like you plan almost everything, I think you just can’t or shouldn’t plan some things to a certain extent but that’s just my view

karlakourt · 26/01/2022 22:36

You have an obsession. Totally unhealthy

Babies grow so quickly. They only wear their clothes for 5 mins anyway

2lilcherubs · 26/01/2022 22:37

I cant help feel if your partner is insisting on saving 50k before having a baby he is delaying or maybe unsure about having a baby.

2-3k on baby clothes is very excessive and not "normal" a baby wont know if its wearing a designer outfit at £30 in the sale or a babygrow from a £10 multi pack... and when you're a zombie from lack of sleep and changing baby for the 5th time that morning you'll not care either.

DueyCheatemAndHow · 26/01/2022 22:37

Just take a step back.

If you've decided you need x amount to have a child, and you're desperate to have a child, then why work you delay that by spending money on the non existent child?!

Or you don't actually think you need that money - hence you are spending money like its water - and you are so desperate to have a baby - then just have the baby!

You are overcomplicating this so much. And I'm talking as someone who made a spreadsheet for deciding a carseat

karlakourt · 26/01/2022 22:38

And babies dont wear dungarees

They really just need comfort. Soft clothes. Onesies mostly

You're really quite clueless. Stop buying stuff you will never use