To buy clothes for a baby even though I’m not pregnant

[somegirlontheinter]

I’m 29 and very broody. We can’t have a baby yet as we need to save money to raise them, feed them and send them to school. I have £5k in savings. We’d also really like to move up the property ladder. My SO and I need to complete postgrad exams in order to advance in our profession (£2-3k each). We do not share our disposable income and never will do.

I am so looking forward to having a baby one day. Sometimes I see baby clothes that are just so cute, I feel like I have to buy them or I’ll never see them again. I’ve spent probably £2-3k on baby clothes in the 3 years, I’d say around half on sale. My SO is upset because he feels that I’m throwing money away. He’s managed to save quite a bit already which will cover a few years of education. I feel that we are technically saving money by front loading the cost of this necessity. I think it’s such a non issue and it’s quite smart tbh. We have a shared budget of £50k for offspring and I can definitely save this by the time I’m 35 (it will take me 30 months to save £25k). Surely it only matters that I eventually save the money, not that I save it at the same rate as him.

We’ve been together since we were 18 and we’ve always agreed about money and spending. But as we age, he’s becoming very anxious and extra cautious about the cost of having a family and he can be quite stubborn e.g. a child will survive with free education as I did, they don’t definitely need savings accounts from birth etc. He’s taking it a little too seriously because many people don’t save so much before starting a family.

We’ve bickered about this quite a bit and it really winds me up. I feel like the arguments are getting worse about such a minor issue. Is he being unreasonable?

Why do you need to save £50k to have a baby?

Why do you have so many expensive baby clothes before you even have a baby?

I'm so confused!

This has to be a wind up

It's just such a waste. You've no idea how big your baby might be. You could well have spent 1.5k on clothes that never get used at all.

It actually makes me feel a bit queasy

I think you need some help, this is an addiction.

I am really confused about this. Firstly, it sounds like you're in that place when you are focusing your thoughts on having kids. You need to understand if you want to postpone it, that's your choice, but it will be difficult emotionally - from personal experience. This issue stands out for me, not so much buying clothes which I think is secondary to this.

Secondly, and I don't say this lightly, I too spent a long time at university, taking follow up exams and progressing my career and then got pregnant easily in my 30s and my life seemed picture perfect. Only to have 3 miscarriages in a row and everything coming crashing down. I have my beautiful son now, and I am not saying this to scare you, OP, I am saying this for you to be aware that your wait may be unexpectedly longer than you envisage now. We just don't know these things, ever. As long as you have your eyes open, it's entirely your choice of course.

Baby clothes are not a good investment, let me tell you, my son has a big wardrobe now and I sold some of them, they never sell for anywhere near the original price, even discounted. I buy ahead too on sales, but he is already here and I know what suits him and what brands are actually my favourite too. So, in the nicest possible way, stop buying now.

Finally, you do not need £50k for maternity leave. You really don't. I believe you may be too focused on the sense of security, particularly financial, because of your background. But honestly, no one needs this kind of money for this. If you have it, you're honestly in an extremely good position.

As a professional and a mother I will tell you as well, whilst there are better and worse times career-wise for having a baby, I absolutely believe that if you have your qualifications sorted, you will get where you want to be regardless. In hindsight you'll find that your career may have slowed down a bit because of maternity leave etc. But in a grand scheme of things, you have 30+ years of working ahead of you and no one, absolutely no one will remember whether you took a break at 29 or 35 or both. It doesn't really matter. It might matter if you want to build up a good relationship with your employer to enjoy more flexibility. But in the post-pandemic world things are looking more flexible for many professionals anyway. And the same goes for your partner - who I assume doesn't need to worry about childbearing, so why can't he step up more and provide you with a comfortable environment sooner? (and frankly it sounds you have this environment already, but you don't perceive it this way). You may want to have a word with him and agree your shared priorities. I'm massively career driven, but children are a huge blessing and definitely a priority now. Think about what really matters to you now. xx

You are majorly overthinking this.

It’s great you’re both planning ahead financially, but I think you’re being a bit OTT about how much is needed to raise a child. Clearly if you’re spending that much on clothes for a baby that doesn’t exist yet, then your fairly financially secure anyway.

I think the coming from poverty thing is interesting. I grew up poor and I’m massively strict with spending and struggle with “ waste”, my brothers the opposite though and love spending.

@coconuthead DH and I have a policy that we need to have £24k in cash for 1 year of basic expenses if we lost our jobs. We have £1k mortgage etc. If childcare is £1k (I know its much more full time, but say part time hours), and you probably can't cancel it immediately if you lose your job, thats £36k you would need saved up. And the additional £14k is to account for other expenses that OP and her husband may have like a car lease and also other baby related expenses? and also for maternity lave

I mean, I don't have a goal of saving £50k to have a baby, but probably its a good idea to have enough money in savings to pay 1 year of mortgage and basic expenses + childcare as well as maternity leave. Our mortgage may be higher then to account for bigger flat, so can quite imagine needing £50k in savings by that point... I think it is quite a lot, probably more reasonable to have £35k in savings given that we need £24k as a couple!

So you've all that money for absolutely nothing whatsoever other than to reduce your ability to stay at home with your baby/reduce your deposit .

A baby doesn't need a tenth i op f that amount of clothes and stuff.

This is seriously obsessive and you need to be careful, my dear, that your partner doesn't think the same!

Stop it!

If you are certain that you want children, then think about starting sooner rather than later. You sound like you are in an excellent financial position already, and waiting until you are 35 to try for your first is a bit of a gamble, fertility wise.

Babies aren't babies very long and so there is absolutely no point in spending £3k on baby clothes. And I say that as someone who was quite happy to occasionally splash out on Baby Boden etc.

But kids books instead! Far more valuable and great to have a wee library set up!

I don't understand why you think you need a years mortgage cushion?

@coconuthead DH and I also don't drive so no car leases or any expensive commitments. but I would not feel comfortable having less than £20k in the bank... Even at our poorest where our food budget was literally 20 euros a week and we could not afford ikea delivery (so carried ikea furniture home on the bus), we had £10k in savings. I think we even spent a few weeks in a shared hostel as a young couple cos we couldn't find a rental flat we could afford (in our early 20s). At that time, we had a more flexible budget, so I can't imagine having less savings now that we have a 300k mortgage!
Even after buying our flat in 2019, we had maybe £12k in the bank (needed a 15% deposit) and it still felt tight, I was worried we could not afford furniture!

So if OP has a baby and a big mortgage for a family home, i guess that might be why she thinks 50k is a good amount?

@DueyCheatemAndHow if you both lose your jobs and there is a bad recession? During bad recessions, it can be quite probable it takes a year to find work....We haven't experienced that in years but it may happen.. We do £1k per month mortgage overpayments so that probably does build up a cushion too. I wouldn't want to lose my home!

you have a terrible habit, stop it.

I dont think I have spent that amount in my sons entire life and he is 12, what are you thinking, maybe if you had a massive collection of dolls I might be able to understand (if you were rich).

but baby cloths for a baby you dont have, I got the cheapest shit money can buy from ASDA and Primark as they last five seconds before they get thrown up on, shitted on etc and stained forever, even baby dribble stains.

@onlychildhamster but you could spend your life thinking that? Why a year? Why not 2?

And you can't be that worried if you're spending nuts amounts on clothes!

Doesn't the fact that so many people are confused tell you that this policy of yours is unusual?

YABU buying so many baby clothes that might never get used (even if you do have a baby, a baby is not going to use thousands of pounds worth of clothes, they grow quick!) but also the mad rules you’ve set yourself around even trying for a baby. And … if you genuinely need all that money just to even have a baby then why on earth are you wasting thousands on clothes???

I think other posters are right, you need counselling

Thanks everyone. There are quite a few extremely insightful posts, often lasting a few paragraphs, sorry I haven't replied to each one individually, but I am so grateful for your replies. You know who you are! It's been helpful for me to rethink things and understand what's underpinning my actions.

I'm not crazy. I'm not in an abusive/controlling relationship but thank you so much for asking as you never know and maybe those replies will resonate with someone reading this post.

I just didn't think it was a big deal. Some people spend £300 pm on a car...some people spend £100+ on alcohol per week on a night out. I still don't think it's as criminal as some are making it out to be. Again, there have been quite a few extremely helpful replies and I am super grateful (I'm looking up knitting patterns and creating a pinterest board).

I've got lovely pieces (all are at least 12mos sizes btw) from mini boden, jojo, white company etc that I think I'll probably just gift to pregnant friends and sell on eBay. I will keep a few of my favourites though.

On the savings issue though, I think it's pretty logical and it would help me to feel financially safe.

Anyway thanks again everyone!!

I don't even understand how this works. Put aside the sheer illogic of buying 3k worth of clothes for a baby who doesn't exist, and you're trying to save for and can't afford yet and think practically. How do you know which month you will have your baby? Will you need summer things at 12 months or jumpers? Will your baby always be a size behind in clothing or two ahead because they are so long.

@DueyCheatemAndHow I am not the OP. I have never bought baby clothes in my life. I was just saying I can imagine why OP thinks she needs £50k in savings because even for me with zero debt and no car and a £1k mortgage, we need £24k. Let alone a family of 3.

Most people I know have far more savings than 24k!

Just have a baby. You will manage on salaries of that kind. I've raised four and half of that was as a low salaried single parent. It's good to have savings for childcare costs but otherwise smal babies are as expensive as you make them.

OP you are being very Unreasonable!

I’ve never heard of anyone doing this

• they are babies for a twinkling of an eye, and you won’t know size or gender of baby

The main costs of having a child are childcare costs, not clothing. Also, I’d not pay for a “ Private “ education either, unless the local schools are really dire. A baby is a person, not an accessory.

But- I bought a grooming brush for a horse from Olympia long before I had one, so I know how you feel in a way. I used to lustfully look at the beautiful classic English tack at Giddens and wish I had a horse to buy for .

TBH if your going on about having a baby at 35 and planning it all from 18 years old, saving for a school, bank accounts for a baby etc, honestly I think your barmy, what on earth even makes you think you can have a baby at 35 have you even tried.

honestly if I was your other half I think I would be running for the hills, sorry op but its OTT

@onlychildhamster I'm so sorry!! I'm going to blame my covid addled brain.

However - surely you see that that is unusual? Surely most people don't have that much in savings?!

That is a crazy amount of money to spend on baby clothes.

@DueyCheatemAndHow www.cnbc.com/2019/10/18/minimum-amount-of-money-you-need-in-an-emergency-fund.html

General rule of thumb is 6 months. I think a year is good in times of high inflation like now. Also boiler fund and fund for repairs need to be a few k.

Don't get me wrong I know that it's ideal, I'd just he interested to know average savings accounts!