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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy clothes for a baby even though I’m not pregnant

565 replies

somegirlontheinter · 26/01/2022 16:28

I’m 29 and very broody. We can’t have a baby yet as we need to save money to raise them, feed them and send them to school. I have £5k in savings. We’d also really like to move up the property ladder. My SO and I need to complete postgrad exams in order to advance in our profession (£2-3k each). We do not share our disposable income and never will do.

I am so looking forward to having a baby one day. Sometimes I see baby clothes that are just so cute, I feel like I have to buy them or I’ll never see them again. I’ve spent probably £2-3k on baby clothes in the 3 years, I’d say around half on sale. My SO is upset because he feels that I’m throwing money away. He’s managed to save quite a bit already which will cover a few years of education. I feel that we are technically saving money by front loading the cost of this necessity. I think it’s such a non issue and it’s quite smart tbh. We have a shared budget of £50k for offspring and I can definitely save this by the time I’m 35 (it will take me 30 months to save £25k). Surely it only matters that I eventually save the money, not that I save it at the same rate as him.

We’ve been together since we were 18 and we’ve always agreed about money and spending. But as we age, he’s becoming very anxious and extra cautious about the cost of having a family and he can be quite stubborn e.g. a child will survive with free education as I did, they don’t definitely need savings accounts from birth etc. He’s taking it a little too seriously because many people don’t save so much before starting a family.

We’ve bickered about this quite a bit and it really winds me up. I feel like the arguments are getting worse about such a minor issue. Is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ploppy1322 · 26/01/2022 19:38

Oh no no that's too much to spend on clothes you'll use for 5 minutes if you're actually pregnant. Hon you have no idea what will happen, if you want kids get started. My DH and I waited until I was 35, then spent 6 years desperately trying to conceive, eventually having a child through IVF at 41, you can't plan your life in this much detail, live it and have a baby if you want one but stop buying bloody baby clothes!

GatoradeMeBitch · 26/01/2022 19:40

There will always be new beautiful clothes. Not entirely the same, but I spent a fortune buying a wardrobe for my ideal weight as an incentive. It took me 10 years to get to that size, and by then I wouldn't have chosen most of that clothing over what was in the shops. But I had it so I had to grudge wear it.

Stop buying clothes, find other (ideally free) ways to scratch that itch. It might be a good idea to try chatting to a counsellor.

AutomaticMoon · 26/01/2022 19:44

Are you sure you don’t want to have your baby now?

Hugoslavia · 26/01/2022 19:48

I became incredibly broody and bought baby clothes years before I had children (I did work in a baby clothing shop at the time). It wasn't a huge amount (around £100 worth), but I used to get them out and look at them all the time. Both my babies wore those clothes and now they are still folded up nicely back in their box.

purpleheart12 · 26/01/2022 19:49

Hi, I totally understand your longing for a baby. Being broody can completely take over your life. But buying baby clothes when your not even pregnant is just not a sensible thing to do. You never know what will happen and you may well end up not being able to have children and seeing all those clothes would just destroy your metal health. I'm afraid your partner is right on this one you need to stop. All the best for your future.

historically2 · 26/01/2022 19:49

Sorry but I don’t understand how you can be so desperately broody but still want to wait until 35 to have children? How are you going to make it that long if you’re already doing something that most people on this thread deem to be pretty crazy just to get through the broodiness? I don’t understand how you can be so broody but still want to risk your fertility and wait..

Most parents would say there’s no perfect time and if I was as broody as you are I’d probably choose having a child over the career stuff.

I’d sort of understand you a bit more if you were unable to have children or TTC and collecting baby clothes but this I don’t understand

Ratched · 26/01/2022 19:51

I must confess, I have not read the full thread.
All I wanted to say is that there is NEVER the right time, financially to have a baby. Must emotionally.

We bought the house, bought the car, had the holiday then had the babies. Poor as church mice, but happy
If we had waited for the right time financially/workwise I would have been near retirement age when I conceived😃

Twinkleylight · 26/01/2022 19:52

That money would have been better off in a savings account or for when you actually do have children. Or better off spent on counselling, there is something not quite right about your thinking.

CaveMum · 26/01/2022 19:55

Agree with other posters, whose decision was it to set a saving’s goal? Was it really a joint decision or did your partner come up with it and you agreed in order to be able to see a baby in your future? You know that most people will never see £50k in savings in their lifetime, you must realise that 99% of the population have a baby with some, or no, savings - you cut your cloth accordingly.

Have a long hard think about your relationship, does he always set goals like this? Are you married? You do know that having a baby without being married puts you in a financially precarious position?

Quackpot · 26/01/2022 19:56

@somegirlontheinter

Just to clarify, I don’t even have that many items. But one item, like a dungaree set, can be £30 these days! I can always sell them if I’m infertile, I thought.
Babies need soft babygrows and vests. Not dozens of uncomfortable outfits like dungarees and jeans
IWasFunBeforeMum · 26/01/2022 19:56

When you plan God laughs. Don't set it all for your life, you'll only be disappointed when things go off track.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 26/01/2022 19:57

You have developed a slightly bonkers obsession with items because you want to have a baby now, the collecting is weird but wanting a baby is fine and natural. Talk to your partner clearly and work out how to make that happen, surely he loves you and has an interest in you being happy? If he isn't willing to support you quite reasonably having a baby a few years earlier than his supposed ideal, then I'm sorry but I don't think he will be ready later either. Babies are easier with some money as a buffer, but you will get maternity leave or SMP and you can go back to work at least part-time with a nursery or nanny fairly early; they don't need £50k. Work through with your partner how to have the baby you long for, and if that isn't with him then leave and find someone who actually wants to start a family.

Caramelnipple · 26/01/2022 19:58

I take it you've mainly bought gender neutral things? If you do get pregnant, it's very possible you'll feel compelled to buy gender-specific things... Thus spending more!

Caramelnipple · 26/01/2022 19:59

I would add that even I was desperately broody but not in a place to TTC I did buy a pack of three babygrows in a sale and a cute wooden Noah's ark... But I felt a bit crazy even doing that!

Ihaveoflate · 26/01/2022 20:00

As indicated by many of the responses her, the issue really isn't about baby clothes. I think you have quite an unhealthy compulsion and you would really benefit from some talking therapy to unpick what's really behind this behaviour.

So yes, YABU but you surely know that.

thebigpurpleone · 26/01/2022 20:01

Jesus Christ that is insane money to spend on baby clothes.

Lostmyway86 · 26/01/2022 20:04

I have a 15 month old and 2.5 year old and don't think I've spent more than £200 on clothes between them their entire lives, what with hand me downs, second hand bits and presents.

That amount is seriously insane! It's great that you're budgeting but seems pretty pointless if you've spent money like that. I also think you're overthinking it a bit, babies don't cost much if you're frugal about it.

birdglasspen · 26/01/2022 20:07

It shouldn’t come as a surprise if you spend anytime on here that babies can be hard to come by, not everyone gets pregnant very easily. Wait till you have kids or save money incase you need treatment. I probably spent less than £50 a year at first as we were given so many presents and second hand clothes(which were as good as new as babies aren’t in them
Long!) you aren’t saving money just spending a baffling amount on clothes which will be outdated (wouldn’t concern me but you sounds pretty into clothes!) and spewed, dribbled on constantly by a baby who just wants a comfy baby gro not a mini me outfit!

Westerman · 26/01/2022 20:12

Are you sure your partner wants children? To set a predetermined budget ahead of even trying to conceive has some sense to it, but you also need to consider your fertility, which is dropping every year. And you'll never save every single penny ahead of time that you going to need to spend on kids. Their expenses don't stop at 18.
But, in all kindness, please stop spending more money on baby clothes. It's a waste.

onlychildhamster · 26/01/2022 20:13

Oh OP. I am going against the grain and I feel you.

I have never bought baby clothes in my life. I have been known however to drag DH to the baby clothes section to look at baby clothes to imagine myself buying them. I have tried out prams in the pram selection of John Lewis; the nice sales girl came over and i told her I was shopping for a friend!

I have looked up primary school catchments and bought the flat in the right area for the non existent baby. Cos you know, future proofing in case we can't upgrade to a 3 bed flat and need to stay here.

I will probably have a baby around 35 like you. I find the broodiness has improved, i don't look at baby clothes as I used to 3 years ago.I still spend too much time on mumsnet though, it was because of my broodiness that I even joined. Focus your mind on goals that you need to get done before having your baby i.e. career, studies, savings. I think broodiness is an instinct, its something a lot of women feel even after they have had multiple babies. Ultimately though, its different for every woman when they want to conceive, you alone know whats right for you.

Pollypocket81 · 26/01/2022 20:13

I feel sad reading your post. I get that you're broody and possibly feeling trapped in your life choices at the moment.

Whose choice is it that you have to wait to try to conceive until you've saved a certain amount? I guess it's ultimately yours but that your not entirely happy with that choice/feel cooerced or you wouldn't have posted here.

The money spent on the clothes might have been better spent on bringing forward trying to conceive by a couple of months.

onlychildhamster · 26/01/2022 20:13

Oh and like you OP, I am 29. I married at 22!

Antsgomarching · 26/01/2022 20:15

I found when I bought in advance for DD (because of pandemic, where I am there was limited on-line shopping etc) she basically didn’t fit into the clothes that were appropriate for the weather. I ended up with loads of clothes she never wore.

Honestly I don’t think this is healthy at all. I did look at baby clothes when we were TTC but I really think you should talk to somebody about this. You are investing a lot into a future that hasn’t happened yet. It’s fantasising, and thats fine if it doesn’t affect your day to day living but it’s costing you money and causing conflict in your relationship.

BigYellowHat · 26/01/2022 20:18
  1. Your savings would go up a lot faster if you weren’t buying clothes for a non-existent baby.
  2. Don’t put it off if you want a baby as you might have fertility problems and regret it
  3. Use the £5K now to pay for your postgrad if it’s that important
  4. Who on Earth saves up for a baby (no-one!!)

YABU!!

redandwhite1 · 26/01/2022 20:18

Spending that amount is unnecessary and if you stop you'll get to that end goal (of actually having a baby) so much quicker

Plus what are you buying as it must be all gender neutral and you really don't need that much as the moment it's born (or you find out the sex) you'll spend even more on pink
/ blue!!