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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy clothes for a baby even though I’m not pregnant

565 replies

somegirlontheinter · 26/01/2022 16:28

I’m 29 and very broody. We can’t have a baby yet as we need to save money to raise them, feed them and send them to school. I have £5k in savings. We’d also really like to move up the property ladder. My SO and I need to complete postgrad exams in order to advance in our profession (£2-3k each). We do not share our disposable income and never will do.

I am so looking forward to having a baby one day. Sometimes I see baby clothes that are just so cute, I feel like I have to buy them or I’ll never see them again. I’ve spent probably £2-3k on baby clothes in the 3 years, I’d say around half on sale. My SO is upset because he feels that I’m throwing money away. He’s managed to save quite a bit already which will cover a few years of education. I feel that we are technically saving money by front loading the cost of this necessity. I think it’s such a non issue and it’s quite smart tbh. We have a shared budget of £50k for offspring and I can definitely save this by the time I’m 35 (it will take me 30 months to save £25k). Surely it only matters that I eventually save the money, not that I save it at the same rate as him.

We’ve been together since we were 18 and we’ve always agreed about money and spending. But as we age, he’s becoming very anxious and extra cautious about the cost of having a family and he can be quite stubborn e.g. a child will survive with free education as I did, they don’t definitely need savings accounts from birth etc. He’s taking it a little too seriously because many people don’t save so much before starting a family.

We’ve bickered about this quite a bit and it really winds me up. I feel like the arguments are getting worse about such a minor issue. Is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/01/2022 18:50

The money you're wasting on baby clothes now could be saved and could go towards tests and fertility treatment if you do have problems.

I doubt that you would want to have lots of baby clothes but not be able to afford help to have a baby possibly by yourself if your SO doesn't hang around.

lunar1 · 26/01/2022 18:51

Apart from anything else, toddlers can get very strong opinions very quickly on what they will and won't wear.

teaandchocolate1 · 26/01/2022 18:53

You know you can get cheap clothes on Facebook marketplace.

I'm due at the end of February and we've just spent 30 pounds on a baby girl clothes bundle, containing clothes from 0 to 12 months.

Excellent value for money.

Red01 · 26/01/2022 18:56

Op you sound like me 10 years ago, someone who has never spend any time with a baby. I didn't even know what the vest thing was. The other side of two children, I can tell you - please stop. They grow so fast, they poop or puke over overything. I would literally take three spare babygros when I left the house, that is now much poop on clothes there will be. As other posters have said, you will want clothes you can get them in or out of fast. And NOTHING that does up at the back (honestly, someone bought me a sleep suit that did up at the back!!!!). Try and stop now, and if you can't then please speak to your doctor.

On the positive side, it shows your OH loves you - he's spotted this atypical behavior and brought it up with you, which can't be easy for him.

katepilar · 26/01/2022 18:56

I think you are BU when at 29, being a stable relationship you want to wait another 6 years to start trying for a baby. Especially so if you are on hormanal contraceptives.

WutheringHeights66 · 26/01/2022 19:00

Nuts, the stuff you’re buying now you might hate when any baby is eventually conceived and born. What a bloody waste of money.

Mangofandangoo · 26/01/2022 19:00

Op this is very odd behaviour Confused

Normando91 · 26/01/2022 19:03

In the kindest possible way… this is batshit!

DollyDingleberry · 26/01/2022 19:03

OP I did this, secretly, for YEARS.

I had 15 miscarriages in 10 years and looking back, I really really needed help. I was grieving not for the babies I lost but for the hope I lost along the way each time one of them died. Whenever I saw baby clothes I loved, I bought them because for the journey from the rails to the till it allowed me a few moments of fantasy and hope and warmth. I felt like a mother shopping for her baby and that most mundane of things was like sunlight. I had a ritual where I took them to the loft and put them away with the rest of my collection, but I’d get the others out to look at them before I came back out of the loft.

Miraculously and quite unexpectedly, 10 years on my DS was born perfectly healthy and wore many of the clothes I’d bought for him over the years (but very few of the fiddly outfits! Blush). As he’s grown through them I’ve donated the lot to a charity that pass them on to local families in need via the food bank. You will not make your money back or even a fraction of it so drop that, you’re using it as a rationalisation for irrational behaviour and it’s not ok.

Fundamentally here, your issue isn’t money or your exams or anything like that. It’s that you and your DP are misaligned on having children. You know you can study and raise a baby (you want to get your exams out of the way so you can bond with your child yet are happy to shorten mat leave so you don’t have to save - you’re fully aware that’s crackers). You both know you do not need £50k to raise a child. You both know there’s no actual ‘barriers’ to this other than each other. Your maternity leave will cost less than you think btw (I’m the sole earner in my house and 8 months of mat leave cost me £12k with me paying all the bills, mortgage, food etc. I had £20k saved).

You KNOW that once you have the money and the exams are done there will be another reason not to have children, which is why you’re buying clothes to cling to hope and your DP is right to be concerned for you.

There is never a perfect time to have children, but there’s always the perfect excuse not to. If your DP is trotting out those excuses you need to have a deeper conversation than money and school fees.

HopingForMyRainbowBaby · 26/01/2022 19:03

You seem to believe that if by some chance you are infertile and unable to conceive, that getting rid of the baby clothes will be easy. It won't be. Same as if you are lucky enough to conceive but then miscarry, have a stillbirth or lose the baby after it's born. The only thing all those baby clothes are going to do is break your heart and completely mess with your head because they'll just be a constant reminder of what could've been. I'm also of the don't jinx something before you have it opinion

PattyPan · 26/01/2022 19:04

That would be a ridiculous amount to spend on clothes for a baby you have in your arms, let alone one that isn't even born or guaranteed to be born. You need to direct your focus elsewhere. You could do stuff that would be helpful to your life as a parent, like take a first aid course, learn to cook if you don't already, likewise drive, or even something like photography. I actually think you would have been better off spending the money on a holiday as it would have given you something else to look forward to and plan for.

Also I am a huge advocate for financial planning and have got into arguments about it on here before but waiting until you have saved £50k is insane. Yes you should make sure you have a few k saved - at least a 6 month emergency fund and enough to top up your income to what you'll need while you're on maternity leave. Nursery fees would be a bonus. Waiting 6 years while you save up such huge amounts of money I think is really not worth the detriment on your mental wellbeing.

KitKat1985 · 26/01/2022 19:05

Yeah that's mental sorry.

worriedatthemoment · 26/01/2022 19:08

I think 2-3!k is a huge amount to spend in baby clothes even if you have a baby

Foxglovers · 26/01/2022 19:09

If you want a baby that badly you should have one now. There’s never a right time and I wish I’d had mine a bit younger tbh

WonderfulYou · 26/01/2022 19:12

Are you sure you actually want to have a child? Because if you've agreed not to have one until you've both amassed a specific amount in savings, you're actively pushing that date back significantly by your spending. On the hypothetical baby who won't come into existence until you stop blowing cash on baby clothes.

I agree.
Saving up for a baby - yet keep spending thousands on unnecessary items so won’t ever have enough.

Tiredalwaystired · 26/01/2022 19:18

Hi OP. I do agree with others that it might be time for counselling. This is not normal behaviour.

From a practical perspective clothes are going to be probably the least of your worries in terms of expenditure. You will get so many gifted to you if and when the time comes that these just won’t be necessary. You’ll also get hand me downs (take them - £30 dungarees on a new born will last for exactly one photo before they are pooed or puked on, then may not get worn again as they grow so fast. If you’re going to get clothes at least bypass the baby phase and get stuff that lasts more than a fortnight! Which they won’t wear because it doesn’t have the up to the minute paw patrol equivalent on it.

Children are living breathing individuals and it feels like you are expecting to have a doll to dress.

You do need to stop now, get some help and if you want to carry on planning put your money away for things you will really need to spend money on - whether it is education, clubs and societies or kit and equipment (again when the time comes second hand is king!)

Clothes costs are a tiny tiny fraction of what you need. What your child will need when the time comes is love, affection, time and patience. All harder to achieve than even cash sometimes.

I hope you’re ok x

username1293948 · 26/01/2022 19:20

£2-3k on clothes for a baby that doesn’t exist? You are insane

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/01/2022 19:24

I can't imagine spending that much on an actual babies clothes.

I think you need to find someone who isn't your partner, or family, to talk about this with. This is not a normal way to act.

caoraich · 26/01/2022 19:28

As someone who has had to sit many expensive professional exams, I do see the logic in getting through these before children. But the clothes spending is bananas. I have a 3 year old and haven't spent 2k on her clothes her whole life. I grew up pretty poor too...

We chose to have our family while still in training but with at least a few exams behind us (we are doctors) - due to risk of declining fertility and other employment factors. We certainly had nothing near what you have saved and it's been fine. You sound like you're higher earners than us too... honestly this whole plan seems really back to front.

Lovemusic33 · 26/01/2022 19:28

If you can afford to spend 3k on baby clothes then you can afford to have a baby?

I bought baby things before getting pregnant with dd but we bought 2nd hand from car boot sale, car boot sales tend to only be in the summer so I wanted to get a few bargains before I got pregnant in the winter (which I did). I probably got all DD’s clothes for the first year for under £100, some 2nd hand and some new. No way would I spend 3k….or £30 for a pair of dungarees.

If you wait until you can afford a child you will probably never have one. Maybe sell the 3k of clothes you have to add to your funds?

Bobholll · 26/01/2022 19:31

How rich is this OP? I recon absolutely minted with a very expensive life style 😂 Who needs £50k to get them through a maternity leave that will be over ASAP 😂£30 for some dungarees 😂 where are you shopping? Certainly not Sainsburys or H&M like the rest of us! Even Zara or Next don’t charge £30 for some baby dungarees!

This post is a hoot!

PattyPan · 26/01/2022 19:31

As you said you were at uni for 7 years are you both doctors?

BringYourOwnBoris · 26/01/2022 19:33

@Foxglovers

If you want a baby that badly you should have one now. There’s never a right time and I wish I’d had mine a bit younger tbh
This.
EIIa · 26/01/2022 19:34

If you were that sensible you’d be getting married with all that cash rather than buying a load of tat op.

Go and check out the relationships board if you think it’s unnecessary for your child security....

Folklore9074 · 26/01/2022 19:34

Definitely YABU. I mean I guess its your money if you want to waste it fine. But those clothes with haunt you if you have trouble conceiving. And if not babies grow so quickly and you have no idea if you will have a large baby or a really small baby. Also when you are sleep deprived and covered in baby sick you just want to put them in the easiest thing possible not these faffy cutesy outfits. I get the clothes are cute but £3k??? Come on, that could have been so much better spent.