Partner asked me how much money I have

[DPsavings]

Should I be honest?

DP and I have been together nearly 18 months and tonight we talked about finances and how we are for credit/savings

I have no debt except a 30% mortgage on my house and about 80k in savings (which would pay off the mortgage should I wish to).
I have a decent defined benefit pension.

Don’t know why but I just feel a bit sketchy about sharing this. AIBU?

@StellaGibs

Some of these posts are either satire or plain crazy off the back of two posts with minimal info 🤣

There are some vivid imaginations!

That's a big ask from him. How's he doing money wise? Any ideas?

If in doubt, don’t.

You don't feel comfortable telling him so don't. I have zero idea how much DH has in savings. I know it's a shedload more than I have and I trust him to use it for both of our benefits if he ever needed to, but it's his money. I have no interest in it. I make my own.

@Dubgirl1212

Do not tell him about the 80k savings. Myself and DH are together 22 years, very happily married, 4dc,no issues. I have 16k saved that he knows nothing about. My parents seperated when I was 12 and my mother had nothing saved, had to work 3 jobs. She aways told me to have my own secret stash. I have other savings that DH knows about just not the 16k which I keep adding too.

My two sisters also have secret savings too.

@Dubgirl1212

I agree that all women should have a safety net, but I'm uncomfortable with secret savings. Genuine question, how would you feel if your DH had secret bank accounts that you knew nothing about?

You've been together for 18 months and are talking about moving in together so that sounds pretty serious.

It's important at that stage that you both have an idea of finances, but obviously don't add him to your mortgage. That is more of a marriage level of commitment than an 18-month relationship.

I have zero idea how much DH has in savings. I know it's a shedload more than I have

Then you don't have zero idea, in fact you have a pretty good idea! I would not want to set off down the road of a serious relationship with someone without knowing that they were solvent and responsible with money, so I'd be asking the same questions @DPsavings's partner is.

The poster should really speak to a solicitor on all this. If he moves into her house that she owns and it has a mortgage and they are unmarried (marriage makes a massive different legally in England) then it would be best to sign a short cohabitation agreement a solicitor can draw up making it clear he has no rights to the property etc. She should also make sure he does not pay some of the mortgage or property repairs but instead pays for things like food and other bills to avoid the risk of an equitable right arising in her property.

if they marry it is totally different.

@DPsavings

We started talking about it in the context of maybe moving in together (him moving in with me) talked about maybe adding him to the mortgage

No !!!!!

Touting for business @Xenia? 😉

DO NOT PUT HIM ON YOUR MORTGAGE.

Only do stuff like this if you have the protection of marriage and he has equal assets so that in the event of a split, a judge would tell you to both take out what you put in.

Always look at peoples motives for doing things even if you love them to bits. This way you will be saved a lot of expensive heartache down the line.

B, no. I don't do family or property law although my post above is probably reasonable in its guidance so just posted to be helpful.

Also putting a property into joint names where it has a mortgage usually means stamp duty has to be paid which is why many couples even married ones do not put the property into joint names until they sell that one and buy one together. However in the marriage case in such an event register the the Land Registry the spousal right of a non owner over the matrimonial home (not relevant to cohabitants)

I’m quite surprised at everyone saying the OP shouldn’t tell him about the savings.

Does it also apply to debts? So you’d be ok with your partner hiding £80k of debts because it has nothing to do with you.

Trust is essential in a couple. Hiding stuff like this from the start doesn’t send the right signals. For a start, if a partner was doing that to me, I’d think they thought I was just a gold digger. It would change the way I look at them really.

so it isn't about how much money you have! It is about how much money he has. If you want to add him to the mortgage then he should be giving you 1/2 your deposit and equity to balance the backlog of equity and then paying 50% mortgage so it is fair. At no point does it matter how much money you have in savings for this scenario, you don't feel comfortable sharing the info so don't.

@Dubgirl1212

Do not tell him about the 80k savings. Myself and DH are together 22 years, very happily married, 4dc,no issues. I have 16k saved that he knows nothing about. My parents seperated when I was 12 and my mother had nothing saved, had to work 3 jobs. She aways told me to have my own secret stash. I have other savings that DH knows about just not the 16k which I keep adding too.

My two sisters also have secret savings too.

Why are they secret savings? If you split you will have to declare as savings are normally seen as matrimonial property from the marriage.

@Pky45, savings are not in bank accounts. Can't be traced. Would not declare them. Plenty of men don't declare income when they seperate.

I would tell him jack shit.

Is he a cocklodger in waiting?

@TrufflesAndToast

I fully agree that adding him to your mortgage while unmarried if he hasn’t paid into the house is bonkers. HOWEVER the double standards on here are laughable. There have been countless threads where a man is torn to pieces because the girlfriend posts that he won’t put her on the mortgage etc. Of course it’s different if you’re married or if the woman (or man) has given up a lucrative career to have children and care for them but there are so many cases where that’s just not the case, the woman just seems to expect the man to provide her with security and MN is always on her side. It’s quite astounding reading some of the posts on this thread e.g. ‘why should he get to piggyback onto your home ownership’ ….Ive literally never seen a woman on here who wants a slice of the man’s assets be accused of piggybacking her way to home ownership Even where the woman has always earned a pittance it seems to be accepted that she has a right to half of everything the man has just because she has had a baby. The assumption is always there that if she hadn’t had that baby she would be on six figures as a banker by now. I’m all for women looking after themselves financially just how men usually do but honestly, it needs to work both ways!!

Yep, fully agree, the double standards brigade are out in full force

@notanothertakeaway,i honestly wouldn't mind. Everybody deserves their right to privacy.

My mil and fil are married 45 years. Always had seperate bank accounts. Neither of them know what's in the others bank account. They are very comfortable and well of.

My own mother and her partner of 25 years are the same. Seperate finances.

Just echoing what everyone else is saying, do not even think about adding him to the mortgage. No matter how nice a guy he is, how he would never fuck you over.......you just never know. I was with my husband for 25 years, we bought a house together, then I bought him out and the house was put in my name, and he bought his own place in his name and we lived in that. We split and I moved back to my place, and I'm so glad I kept it. I am fiercely protective of it now, and there is no way I would ever add anyone onto the mortgage. I've worked blood sweat and tears to keep it going, spent loads on refurbishing it, why should anyone else benefit from that, apart from my kid. I have been with my current fella for just over four years now, we have had many an argument about him moving in (well him wanting to, me saying no way) as he was living with his parents when I met him. I told him for his sake as much as anything else and regardless of whether we ever live together or not he needs his own place which he has now bought and moved into. Never ever rely on anyone financially or put yourself in a venerable position by risking your own home for a man.

So in a nut shell, do not add him to your mortgage. If you really want to live together you would be better keeping your place and renting it out and then buying somewhere with him where you put equal amount in. That's the only way I would do it.

What's with all secrecy? If you can't trust your partner or husband why are you with them?

Maybe he also has a good amount in savings and is set up well financially and he is wanting to check you are too.

Maybe he is after your cash. You can tell him it exists, it doesn't mean you should give or lend it to him etc. |So when he says he wants to be on your mortgage, say no, if he asks to borrow money, say no, if he suggest you invest in some scheme of his mates, no. And if you saying no to any of this creates an issue then you know he is not for you.

One step at a time. If you're wary of sharing this info, then that's where you are in your relationship. Explore why, by yourself, or with him too. That's the emotional relationship part.

Listen to every wise comment here about protecting your assets! That's the practical safeguarding your financial independence part.

[quote Dubgirl1212]@Pky45, savings are not in bank accounts. Can't be traced. Would not declare them. Plenty of men don't declare income when they seperate.[/quote]
Well, This is the daftest thing I had read today, secret untraceable money, it’s like something off NCIS.
If someone did this to me & I got even a sniff, you would be back in court before you could say “lied on divorce papers “

@washingmachines4

so it isn't about how much money you have! It is about how much money he has. If you want to add him to the mortgage then he should be giving you 1/2 your deposit and equity to balance the backlog of equity and then paying 50% mortgage so it is fair. At no point does it matter how much money you have in savings for this scenario, you don't feel comfortable sharing the info so don't.

But even with this scenario, in the event of a split the BF gets half the equity that the OP had built up. Equity he has not sacrificed other options to obtain.

I wouldn't have an issue with telling him about my savings but as he has asked the question, it's right that he discloses his savings first.